The End of Chase.

Oh hey there sexy people.

I have been away for a bit. I'm not even sorry. It's that time of year where everything is crazy super busy yet nothing really happens.

I've been snowboarding pretty much every weekend except the weekend of my company Christmas party. That weekend was pretty much a write off.

If you remember I had invited Chase to my company Christmas party. I had assumed at that point we were still "dating". However if you follow me on twitter you'd know that she put me in the friend-zone about 4 days before the party. This wasn't all that surprising considering the complete lack of intimacy that was going on between us. She felt the need to put that out there before the party though. Nice. I'd only told people at work that my plus one, was a girl I was dating. I told her to fuck off... just kidding. I, of course, still brought her to the Christmas party. We had a good time. She got really, really drunk. However, she wasn't the worst one by far. The chick that passed out in her own puke in the bathroom was probably the worst. Wait, it might have been the girl that puked the whole 45 minute limo ride home. Either way, Chase just got to the point she needed to pass out. Everyone from work really liked her. There was one awkward moment when someone was trying to convince me to ask Chase to be my Girlfriend. I just had to laugh and shake my head. "It isn't going to happen."

The night ended relatively simply, limo dropped Chase off at her place and me at mine. There was a bit of a problem the next day with a missing purse and picking up car from other side of town but that was to be expected.

This next part probably isn't going to earn me any new fans, but at least I'm honest.

I will, in all likelihood, never see Chase ever again.

Why?

Well, I don't have time for more friends. To be honest I rarely see the friends I already have. I'm OK with this. I'm busy, they are busy, but because we are friends we know this. We understand this, and we stay friends and see each other when we can.

Chase and I don't have mutual friends, don't have the same hobbies, and no real reason to hang out with each other except to enjoy each others company. I like her, but she isn't what I'm looking for (ie. a relationship). I'm not going to burn any bridges, no matter how pretty the flames would be. I'm just not going to put any effort into it. Let the bridge rot and decay over time and eventually get swept up in the river of time.

I guess it is completely back to the drawing board on the dating aspect, a clean slate if you will. January is a new month, a new year and may involve a new tactic or two for finding love.

It hasn't all been bad news. I'm making progress on the fitness front. I haven't lost any more weight since the last post, but I haven't put the weight back on. Which is awesome considering the time of year it is. I've instead managed to put on a bit of muscle and slim down at the same time. January I'll be kicking it into overdrive to co-inside with the relaunch of dating.

I'm thinking of posting progress pictures on here if people are interested. I know I'm fascinated by the changes people make. Let me know, some how or another whether you think this would be neat or if I'm just vain and think people care. I'll let you decide how to tell me.

As for this blog, through thorough analysis I've come to learn that my most viewed post is The one about Online Dating Profiles. Which I didn't really write as a How To. It was more a frustrated rant about one aspect on online dating but it seems to be getting loads and loads of traffic. The last two months have been my highest traffic months ever, and I haven't even posted anything. I may need to start brainstorming more rant style dating posts. Stay tuned.

I'll eventually figure out what I'm doing with this blog and with it my life but in the mean time. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanza, and a good Festivus for the Restofus.

Later Days,
Hero.

Shape Up: I've Lost Ten Pounds.

There once was a man who decided that he needed to change things. Those that have been reading my blog for a while know that I have dominantly been focused on just a few things; dating, sex, booze, and adventure. 

Since my last post the dating thing has pretty much stagnated. Partly on purpose, slash, lack of time. I've been seeing Chase still. We haven't even kissed yet so I have no idea what the fuck is going on and for once I'm not analyzing it. If we end up just being friends, cool. If more, awesome. If it fizzles and dies, I'm going to be OK as well. She has been more attentive and wanting to hang out more and more which I think is a good sign. She is coming as my date to the company Christmas party so there is that.

Back to the point about me not having time. It is true. I've become a gym rat. I work out a fair amount. I started a weight lifting program and it had been working wonders. Then I paired it with calorie counting and diet management. I'm proud to say that I've lost ten pounds. I feel fantastic. If you're like me or me before, I always had a hard time sticking to a program or diet because it was so hard to keep track of everything. Then I realized that this smart phone I had in my pocket could be used for a greater good. I found a couple of apps that have changed the way I function. 

Firstly there is my weight training app. www.jefit.com It has revolutionized how I go to the gym. If anyone is trying to get into shape by lifting weights check out this app. As far as diet goes I use Myfitnesspal.com and I've learned a lot about what I've been eating and where my calories have been coming from and going. The combination of these two apps have changed my life and because I've lost ten pounds the fairer sex has started to notice too. I must stay focused though and not get complacent. I want to become a sexual object to women. For once in my life I want them to objectify me.

I've also been spending my weekends on the ski hill. I have been enjoying it immensely. My first trip up to the hill was eventful to say the least.

I got drunk.

Then I got more drunk. Went to a party, had a riot. Left party, went to a pub where I sat next to this cute girl. She was there all by herself so we got to chatting. we ended up making out by the creek for a while and enjoying the picturesque surroundings in the Canadian Rockies. It really was quite romantic. She then took me back to where she was staying and we had mad passionate monkey sex in the shower and just about everywhere else. I woke up in the morning, went back to where I was staying and passed the fuck back out. Needless to say I didn't get any riding in on the second day. It took me almost 7 hours to recover to the point I could drive back to the city. Good times.

I've been out a couple more times since and so far my seasons pass has been a wise investment.

I'm sure I'll have some more adventures to write about and I'll keep you posted on the Shape Up too. 

Later Days,
Hero.

Growth: Been thinking.

I think it is time for another personal growth update.

As most of you know I've been dating a whole bunch as of late. The main point of this was to find someone that I may be able to form a long lasting loving relationship. The other point of dating was to work out some of my issues avoiding emotional attachments.

I'm CURED.

No I'm not. I'm really, really not. I have, however come to terms with the fact that I am the way I am. Sure I'm aware of issues that I have and can work on them when they become a problem. When being the operative word here. Let me explain.

While dating, I've met a couple different types of women which is fantastic. Firstly I'll start with Chase. Chase is emotionally distant even compared with me. Surprisingly though, this seems OK with me. Sure it was different for me at first to adjust to the fact that she isn't progressing as fast as I was used to with other women I've dated but now that I've come to terms with being on her schedule I don't mind at all. I get it now, her style of dating is more suited to me anyway. It would be absolutely perfect if we were a little more physically intimate but meh it isn't that important of a detail at the moment.

Secondly while dating Curls, who is a lovely girl, I purposely turned off my avoidance techniques to see how it would go. It went well, whenever my brain or instincts were telling me that I needed to run I would power through and ignore them. This resulted in her spending the night (no naked time) on our second date. While it was happening I was all for it, most of it. However, now that it has been a couple of days and I've let it stew in my brainspace, I know that she is the wrong type of girl for me. She is the polar opposite of Chase. She is attentive, texts often, and wants to spend a bunch load of time together. She is a huge fan of PDA which I'm really really not. Don't get me wrong I'm no PDA prude; holding hands, hugging, even the odd kiss is OK. With Curls though it was every 15 minutes she wanted to have a make-out session. I'd tell her no, or I'd give her a short kiss. She would pout playfully, till she got her way. It made me uncomfortable.

She even wanted to sit on the same side of the booth when it was just the two of us. I ... No... I don't think I'm physically able to do that.

So what have I learned from all of this. That my avoidance techniques that I've built are somewhat there to help me with comfort and screening out women that are more conducive to what I want in life.

The next thing that I came to realize over the last little while. I seem to be attracting women I'm not attracted to. Part of this is because I've been a little out of shape for ... let's just go with, awhile. How can I expect to attract the fit active women, when I look like a doughy boy? I can't, it is unrealistic of me to think so.

So I'm actually going to take the advice of many people and just let things happen on the dating front. I'm not going to push it or try and force something into place. I'm not going to over analyze myself and everything else going on. Who am I kidding, of course I am, but I'm not going to let it distract me from being me. Even more importantly I'm not going to let it distract me from being the better me.

So as far as dating goes it is probably going to slow down. I don't know what I'll write about, perhaps adventures. I could turn it into my workout/diet blog. I don't know I'm sure I'll think of somethings to write about. My life is far from boring most of the time so stay tuned.

Later Days,
Hero

My weekend Monday: Last hurrah.

I had a decently phenomenal weekend.

Friday I had my birthday party and the saying "It's my birthday I can cry if I want to." was partly true. I had a decent amount of people that were supposed to show up. They RSVP'd and everything. They didn't show. I was drunk and a little distraught at this. When I say drunk, I mean, loser pissed. My friends did a fantastic job of feeding me enough booze. I ended up having a great time but I did throw a bit of a tantrum. Which I of course had to apologize for the next day.

Chase ended up coming and actually stayed for the whole evening. I was pleasantly surprised by this. She even texted me to tell her when I got home and that I made it home safe. I was already home and asleep by then but I appreciate the sentiment. The only downside was that the whole evening is a little fuzzy, so I have no idea how mine and Chase's relationship has progressed or knowing me when I'm drunk, regressed. I will figure that out later.

Saturday was a write off. The good/bad thing about it was the Vet cancelled our date. I ended up staying home in my PJ's all day and nursing about 30 water bottles. Went to bed super early and was glad for it. This was the second date that the Vet has cancelled on me so I'm beginning to think that it just isn't going to happen. C'est la vie.

Sunday, I woke up and got ready to go out with Curls. She is most definitely interested in me. The day was good. We spend the whole day together. We started with lunch where we sampled different kinds of beer and had pizza. After which we went to the football game and drank more beer. The game was good and we had a lot of fun. We shared our first kiss when the local team won the game. So much fun we didn't want the date to end. So we went out to a pub for some snacks and more beer and a lot more kisses.

Which made me uncomfortable, but I communicated it maturely. "I'm not a huge fan of PDA." Was received with a pout, then ignored as she kept asking for kisses. "sigh"

By the time we made it back to my place, where she parked her car, she was in no shape to drive home. I told her she could stay in my bed or on the couch. She opted for my bed. We cuddled, kissed and teased. In the end though, I rolled over and went to sleep. I did have to be up early this morning. She woke me up at 2 am to let me know she was hung over as fuck. I got her some water went back to sleep. This morning wasn't awkward at all, other then she was a little hung over and felt gross. Which is understandable.

Now onto the bad news. I'm going to go sober till spring. Not dry, but sober. I'm going to be focusing on snowboarding for the winter months and drinking is going to take away from that. Dating might as well, so we'll see how it goes dating women that don't snowboard. It is a huge sticking point for me, and not something I'm going to change.

Later Days,
Hero.

Holy Crap. Dating Machine!

Do I ever have a bit of things to talk about. I'll have even more after the weekend, which is why I think I should do this before it happens.

Let's start with Chase. The date we had on Monday was a bit more involved than the others before. As in we actually got out of the chairs for more than bathroom breaks. We played a bit of pool. That wasn't what made the date more interesting. No, instead I took a bolder step. Tonight I'm having my birthday party get together thing. I invited her. The conversation that followed was weird.

Chase: "I'll come, but what will you introduce me as?"

Me: "Whoa, putting me on the spot aren't you, I'll introduce you as Chase."

Chase: "but what if someone asks? Like I don't know if you ... I mean, what are we?"

Me: "We are dating."

Chase: "Well..."

Me: "Fine what would you want me to introduce you as?"

Chase: "I think we are friends that get together for drinks and dinner sometimes."

Me: "Well, I'd like to think we aren't in a relationship if that is what you're worried about, but I haven't written that off as a possibility. We are still getting to know each other, so dating; where we figure out if we are emotionally, romantically, or physically interested in each other."

Chase: "Well yea, I just don't like the term 'dating' I think it implies a certain ... I don't know."

Me: "So what are we? Seeing each other? Hanging out?, Dating?"

Chase: "I don't know..."

Me: "I'll just introduce you as Chase and if anyone asks what we are I'll say 'I don't know'. I have to go to the bathroom."

While in the bathroom it occurred to me that she may have been trying to "friendzone" me.

Me: "When you said you wanted me to introduce you as my friend were you trying to hint at that is all you want, friendship?"

Chase: "I... uhhh."

Me: "My turn to put you on the spot."

Chase: "No, that wasn't what I was hinting at, I just don't know. I didn't want things to be awkward."


So, the Chase saga continues and I still have no idea what the fuck she wants, whether it is friendship, mad passionate monkey sex or something in between. She did agree to come to my birthday. We'll see if she shows up.

Next, I went on a date with a new girl, lets call her Curls. We started chatting on Tuesday, I think, and we went out last night. It was a lot of fun, started out just as a basic coffee date and turned into dinner and drinks. We joked around, and I had another typical first date, where there was loads of conversation and laughs.

What made this kinda cool was that she was very forward with actually perusing a romantic relationship. After the date was over I get a text message from her regarding my profile. Where I hint at bonus points if they can guess the character that said my favorite quote. I'm pretty sure she cheated and Googled it but she demanded the points anyway. She asked what she could cash them in for. I told her a football ticket for Sunday. She said only if it came with a date and a kiss. Aww, how could I say no? So I now have another date with her on Sunday and I know I'm at least getting a kiss. Woot!

The Vet, contacted me a bit throughout the week and we have set up a date for tomorrow afternoon. It's the time of year that the Taboo sex show is in town. I went to it last year with the Doctor. It was a fantastic time and figure it would be a good way to transition to the more physical side of things. I suck at reading those cues and figure if the subject matter is right in front of me I might not miss them. Should be a good time.

However tonight, I think is going to be a telling point as to whether Chase and I are worth continuing on past this point or if we are going to be stuck in the platonic dating netherworld also known as the friendzone.

The Friendzone: It's like the twilight zone, but without the cool theme music or imaginative story lines. It features the "Dashboard confessional" as a soundtrack and it's only rated PG.

I'll be sure to tell you about my weekend. I may even live tweet parts of it. Follow me on twitter damn it.

Later Days,
Hero.

Post Date Blinks: Vet.

As those of you that follow me on Twitter know I had a first date Saturday night. It went splendidly well.

First off I'll tell you a bit about her. She contacted me through POF. I have recently updated my profile and it seems to be working a bit better. I took out most of my about me and replaced it with a whole bunch of nothing really. I don't get it but it seems to be working. I've been contacted way more since I changed it. It reads like this: (the old one is here)


I'd like to think I'm a well rounded individual with normal aspirations, then I talk to other people and the goal of riding an armored unicorn into combat, wielding excalibur isn't as common as I thought. 

In actuality I'm a pretty normal guy just looking for love. If I find it awesome, if not I'll survive. I'd really like someone I can go snowboarding with this winter. I'm planning on riding a lot. Even if there is no romantic interest I'm always looking for people to go to the hill with.

Other than snowboarding, I like a good beer with good company.

Favorite quote: "In a universe so full of wonder and amazing things, humans have managed to invent boredom." Terry Pratchett. If you can name the character that said it you get bonus points.

If you're interested in getting to know me a little more feel free to send me a message.

So far the ladies seem to love the unicorn part. Apparently completely showing my random nature is better than full disclosure. Who knew? 

Anyway she contacted me, we had a couple messages back and forth of witty banter and getting to know each other a bit and I took the leap and asked her out, within hours of first contact. We met, and I was a little disappointed that her pictures didn't give the full nature of her voluptuous stature. I love a woman with curves though and as the night wore on I found that my first reaction was true. She is cute, super cute.

We had great conversation and found that we have some things in common. Not a whole lot though because for the last seven years of her life she has been focusing on school. Fair enough, I just hope that when she is done, ie next spring, that she may develop some more hobbies and the such that are in line with my own. Hard to say after just one date. She was intellectually stimulating as her education is completely different than mine so we ended up being able to chat for hours. Eventually though it was getting late so we finished up the date, I walked her to the car, we hugged and I asked her if I could see her again this week. We agreed on a movie night. She just needed to check her schedule to make sure it would work.

When I got home I had a text from her saying she had a great evening. Overall: I'd do it again. 

One thing though, I'm learning that my skills as a conversationalist may be skewing my sense of how successful the date is. I mean I can talk for hours to just about anyone. I may be over gratifying how successful the dates are based on something that I would succeed at regardless with whom I'm on the date with. I guess only time will tell. 

My question to the lady readers I have: "How successful would you rate a date where he makes you laugh, and time flies because of good conversation? Is there other key factors I'm not taking into account? (ie physical contact, as I'm not good at reading non-verbal cues.) 

Lastly an update on Chase. I have a date with her tonight. I have a feeling it isn't going to go anywhere; not on my account but on hers. Hopefully there is a bit more development here and that we don't just end up platonically dating. I have no idea how to progress the dating to be more intimate when I know she is adverse to mushy shit.

As always I appreciate the comments, they're my crystal meth. If you want to have a conversation feel free to tweet at me or send me a message on my facebook page. I will definitely respond.

Later Days,
Hero

Go with the Flow

When you go with the flow, you end up in a sanitary sewer... I think that's how that saying goes.

The thing with Chase is over. I haven't heard from her in a week. Mind you, I haven't sent her anything since Sunday but I would think 3 texts over 3 days from me is enough. She's done. I'm not that surprised or even disappointed  I learned a few things about myself and dating her. It didn't really sink into my brainskull area till I was talking to a friend about her relationship.

I went into dating Chase knowing we didn't really have anything in common other than we were people, liked beer and food, and presumably sex. Never got that far. After the first date, and reading the book I figured out that she was even more avoidant than I am. So what exactly did I learn? 

Firstly, the go with the flow part up top is true. If you go with the flow you end up where you end up. In life, and dating, especially dating, you need to have a rudder. I think people get so excited that they are going on a date with someone that they find attractive that common interests go out the window. This got me to thinking, I'm dating to find someone that I can form a long lasting relationship with right. I mean I enjoy dating for the sake of dating as long as the conversation is good  but that isn't my end goal.  I want someone to spend the rest of my life with. Marriage? Meh, maybe if she wants it. So what do I want in a long lasting relationship? I know I posted something like this before so Let's revisit it. The full thing is here.

the juicy stuff is this.

What I want from a woman.

• intelligence, I think this is by far the most important thing. 
• knowledge, this is something that came up on the date. I don't want to have to explain everything. In fact I'd like to learn from her. 
• to be attracted to her. This is pretty self explanatory. 
• her to be passionate, about anything. 
• her to have life goals, generally just progressing through life
• a sense of humor
• love
• trust
• respect
• all the usual stuff that comes from a healthy relationship
• her to not want children

I want to go over this list again. Firstly "intelligence" I think this doesn't apply nearly as much as it used to. I simply require someone with curiosity and ability to hold a conversation.

 "Knowledge" seems like even less of a requirement than intelligence. I like talking and explaining things, I just don't want to have to explain things multiple times.

"Attractive" yup still vitally important. One thing I've learned since publishing this first post is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My standards are not necessarily high or low, they sure are unique though. 

"Passion" After dating for the past year and a bit this holds truer than before. Holly mother of god there are some boring people out there, with no drive determination or passion about anything. I find it a little bit unattractive. This isn't necessarily a deal breaker though as long as she is capable of passion. 

"Goals" This one is also important but not nearly as much as before. The longer I spend in adulthood the more I realize people have no fucking clue what they are doing. Myself included. If you were to ask me what my 5 year plan is, it's be vague and filled with rough guesstimates. 

"Humor" No shit. Must be able to laugh at just about anything because I say some pretty offensive shit at times. 

"Love, trust, respect," Pretty much one and the same and all reliant on each other. Pretty self explanatory as well. If it isn't, we have bigger issues. 

"Childless and no plans on pushing one out." Yup still there. I went to a grocery store on a Sunday afternoon and that was enough to remind me that No I really don't want children.

Looking back I wasn't too far off. I was lacking though. Something that other people have said isn't that big of an issue. Common interests. Every single girl I've dated in the last year has had a grand total of zero of my major interests in common. I know it isn't mandatory but it definitely makes it easier. I'd even be willing to have a secondary thing in common, like video games. I think this goes back to the passion thing. Most of the women I've dated never had an interest in much of anything, The Doctor did but that is now coming up on a full year ago. The rest had nothing that they could identify as a hobby. It is becoming more and more apparent as I try and communicate with women from dating sites. There is a fuckload of boring people out there. 

The next thing I want to throw out there as a thing to take into consideration is life goals. Do you want to live in a city, on an acreage, in a condo, or a house, own a dog, or a cat, and so on. So here is my life goals. These things tend do be fluid and change as you progress through life.

I don't want a house, I'm more than fine with minimalist living in a condo. I'd much rather less clutter than owning stuff. This doesn't stop you from owning toys like quads, a boat, and the like, it just means you have to store it. Shucks.

I'm more of a dog person than a cat. I don't hate cats but if I had a condo and only one pet was allowed it would be a dog.

I plan on living in the city, I have zero desire to move outside to the suburbs or to any of the neighbouring towns.

I enjoy beer, wine, liquor, fine food and the rest of the culinary delights.

I one day plan on having both season tickets to the Calgary Flames, and the Calgary philharmonic orchestra.

I want to travel, but I want to be able to afford it as well as the rest of the things I want in life. It isn't all that high on my priorities which seems odd to almost everyone I talk to.

I mean how fucking hard should it be to find someone that matches some of these traits and needs. Lately all I've been finding and dating are polar opposites of this.

I know the type of women I want exist, I read their blogs all the time. I haven't given up hope but I am getting pretty flabbergasted.

Later Days,
Hero

What the Fuck Wednesday: Chase

Yesterday I was involved in a nice little twitter chat with http://www.singleswarehouse.net/ and a couple other bloggers about communication. Which brought to light how much I've been rationalizing Chase's communication or lack thereof.

I'll try and have a conversation with her via text and that just doesn't happen. Most times it takes several hours and sometimes it takes her days to respond. At first I was perfectly fine with this; it went well with my avoidant behavior. It's been almost a month now though and we've been on three whole dates. I'm fine with moving slow but this is ridiculous. What the fuck is the point?

During the chat yesterday I was told that we may just be on different pages. Which is fair, we may be. I was also told that I should talk to her about it. Now I'd love to but I have a feeling that doing so over text isn't exactly kosher. This involves setting up a date, which is like pulling teeth. Not because we don't have time for each other, that's never been a problem. She just doesn't respond to messages in time to set things in motion so a lot of the time my week fills up with friends and other activities by the time I'm able to find out when she is available. Most of the time I've been able to either squeeze her in or shuffle stuff so that we can have some time. This is just getting more and more frustrating, to the point now that I'm not sure I care.

One point of the chat struck me like a high five to the face. I don't know if it was a demographic thing, or even a generation thing but phoning people seems to be very important. I never phone anyone. I mean like EVER. I just don't like it, never have. I don't even phone my mother and she gets mad because of it. When I'm sick, I email into work to let them know I'm not coming. I literally never phone anyone. I don't really answer my phone either. Not out of discomfort on that one, I just never seem to hear it. During the chat though it seemed to be this huge deal that the guy actually phones girl. Who knew. I guess I may have to give it a try.

This newly required skill, I don't think is going to be used with Chase. I just don't see it happening. It may be my avoidant nature or it could be that it just isn't working. Either way I'm sick of chasing and not getting anywhere. Like I said what the fuck is the point? I'm getting nowhere but frustrated.

Later Days,
Hero

For Fucks Sake: Clarification.

I should clarify something. Token pointed out that I should stop reading dating columns. Honestly I read them because they are funny. I'll read anything. Today I read all about the ingredients on the hand soap in my office bathroom. I also read about a penguin that happened to be knighted and is a member of the norwegian royal guard. He is called Colonel-in-Chief Sir Nils Olav. Hilarious.

I was also told that I'm trying too hard to find love. Honestly if I didn't try it just wouldn't happen. I wouldn't notice when a girl is hitting on me. I wouldn't ask anyone out. Nothing. I'd eventually get a cat... or thirty. I think it is different for men and women. Women are told the best way to find love is to not try. This doesn't work for men with the double standard that the man has to be the one that asks out the woman. I could be as sexy as all hell and hang out in all the grocery stores and never get a date. Unless it's with the security guard. So yes, I have to try and no it isn't all I do. I do have a job, and hobbies. They just don't make all that interesting blog material.

This is work, unless you're interested in how you get your gas, this is pretty boring.

As for my situation with Chase, I post about my doubts and insecurities. It helps me sort out my thoughts and stops me from over thinking everything all the fucking time. I know we are only at the get to know you phase and everything is going according to plan. Slightly slower than I'd like but we're both grown ups and have a busy schedule so a date a week seems to be all we have time for. It also keeps things slow and allows us to get used to the idea of each other. We are having a lot of fun and I'm not all that worried about it. If I didn't post anything though my blog would be even more of a ghost town than it has become. Seriously, where'd all my readers go?

This is relevant to the intro of my last post. I loved it. 

Anyway, all is well. Happy Friday everyone.

Later Days,

Hero.

PS. I started writing another book. Silly I know because the first one isn't done but meh, it's fun. 

Here's the link. Class One Order

Post Date Blinks: Women are confusing.

I'm beginning to realize I really do not understand women nearly as well as I thought I did. I didn't think I understood them that well to begin with so you can understand how distraught this makes me.

I totally understand buddy.

My confusion about Chase has been slowly building since the beginning, but it reached a new level yesterday. We were trying to figure out the next date. Going back and forth about day and time and then finally we arrived at a consensus. I'm not confused yet. Now the "what do you want to do?" part of deciding came. I had been trying to figure out things we could do together that wouldn't be too expensive because I went slightly over budget on the weekend. I figured I could amp up the intimacy a bit at the same time. I thought I was being super clever. I suggested a evening stroll through a park sipping on some hot chocolate and Bailey's.

I got a response I wasn't expecting. "That sounds too mushy... sorry."

I actually laughed.

We ended up just going out for a pint because our schedules didn't match up as much as we thought they would. The date was good, plenty of laughs, more good conversation and again it felt like I could talk to her for hours more but we had to end it because I had a birthday party to go to again.

One of the things that came up, when I asked her what she meant by too mushy, that confused the fuck right out of me was that her favorite movie is "The Notebook". That's right the Nicolas Sparks novel turned into arguably the most romantic, mushy, emotional, movie ever made. So I told her that. Her rebuttal, "No, it's not. It's cute."

So apparently there is a fine line between mushy and cute. It's apparently up to me to figure out where this line is and not to cross it.

She agreed to actually go on a walk and drink hot chocolate with me because I assured her I'm not the mushy type, she said she figured when I laughed about the mushy comment.

God damn it every single dating advice column I've ever read has said, "Woo her with compliments and confidence.", which I'm not sure if she is ok with or not. She never really acknowledges my compliments.  "Women no matter what they say love receiving flowers." This I have no idea if that would fall onto the cute side or the mushy side. The list of mushy shit goes on and on. Honestly, so many mixed signals from things that are supposed to help out with this sort of thing.

I'm going to have to figure this intriguing specimen of the female species out. FOR SCIENCE!!!!

Honestly though any and all advice would be appreciated.

Later Days,
Hero

Growth: Games of Life and Love.

In my last post I decided to call the girl I went out with a couple times Chase, because I'm sure if I want her I'm going to have to chase her.

It's come to my attention lately while I was browsing dating profiles online that there is a startling amount of people that claim they don't play "games". I was at first excited because I don't want to date someone addicted to World of Warcraft. Then I realized they were probably talking about emotional games, which made me more excited because I, like most people, do not enjoy drama. In fact I thought to myself, "I don't play games either."

However, believe it or not, I do.

Don't believe me? Let me explain.

Since I realized that I'm going to be the one that has to chase after Chase, one thought has been persistent in my mind and at first I thought it might be my avoidant nature. I don't think it is. I don't want to be the only one investing in this. I want her to initiate contact. I want to feel like she wants to go out with me. This alone makes it not part of my avoidant behavior. So without a real conscious effort I started playing a "game". Let's see if she will be the one to contact me. A game we both lose I think.

I went and looked in the book to see if it had any advice. It did. "Effective communication is key." Well no shit. I want her to communicate with me. I don't think that is what the authors meant though, because I kept reading. I should, instead, initiate contact and communicate what I would like from her. This just seems so cold. I think that if she is interested she should be showing some, you know, interest. She could however be doing what girls in the movies do and be waiting, holding her breath, for my call. Do women really do that?

I'm reminded of the move/book "He's just not that into you". Does it work both ways? Is there a double standard? What are the signs that "She's just not that into you"?

With all of these doubts in my mind I realized something. I like this girl, she seemed to like me. I should just text her. I've been letting my fears and doubts rule my actions. Why should I require the validation of her texting me. The book says that secure type people don't bother with worrying, they just do and either it works or it doesn't. I contacted her.

Holy Crap, I think I'm making progress.

Later Days,
Hero.

Post Date Blinks: The Chase.

I've come up with a nickname for her. The girl I went out with last week. I'm going to call her "The one I'm going to have to chase." or just "Chase" for short. I don't care if it is a boys name.

I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to be the one that chases. I've never ever really had to do that. Most of my other relationships just sort of fell into my lap. That may have been the problem but maybe not.

Through reading that book I've learned how to spot someone else's attachment style. I'm pretty sure Chase is an avoidant like myself. I could be wrong I mean it is only the second date. I actually hope that I'm wrong otherwise this may not work at all. The book says avoidants never end up dating each other because well they end up avoiding each other, mutually.

So far I'm the one that does all the initiating. I mean normally, especially in the old days, it is the guys job to court the woman he wants. It makes sense then, at least a little bit, that I'm the one asking her out, I'm the one making plans, I'm always the first to text. It doesn't mean that I like it.

I'm not one for being able to carry a text conversation anyway so trying to come up with things to talk to her about via text is irksome. In person we can talk for hours, in fact I had to end the date earlier than we both wanted because it was getting late again and she had to take the bus home. I offered to drive her but she politely refused.

I need to therefore decide If I'm going to be the one that is OK with chasing her, with doing the old fashioned courting. I have no idea what is considered proper courting technique anymore. I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go. I just have to remember that I want this, and anything worth doing takes effort. The avoidant side of me immediately says "Well it shouldn't be hard, if she was the one it would just work." I'm having to stifle that little voice and say, "She could be the one, it just might take a bit of work." Working towards intimacy goes against my natural instincts though, so I'll fake it till I make it.

I'm sure someone normal wouldn't be over thinking this as much as I am. In fact I've had several people tell me to stop thinking and just enjoy it. I'm going to try.

We have loosely set a date for next week. She has agreed to let me take her to the comedy club.  Should be good times. Till then, I have Junior's birthday party this weekend and that should be more than enough to distract me and perhaps give me another good story. His birthdays usually do.

Later Days,
Hero

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Torn.

This become relevant later.

Reading that book may have done more harm than good.

Let me explain.

I know I have an avoidant type of attachment pattern. I knew about that before I started reading the book. Now, however, I have a fuck load of knowledge about other peoples attachment styles and it's running rampant in my head.

Therefore, When it comes to the new girl I just went on a date with I'm over analyzing everything. I mean the book says a whole bunch of things that secure type of people do, so I'm doing my whole fake it till you make it approach. I'm trying to fake being secure till I am. Sounds like a decent plan, right?

First, lets start with my post date blinks post. Haven told me that I should try and be honest with my feelings. Just put them out there. I did. It made me remarkably uncomfortable. I wanted to just scream at myself to man up and quit being so pathetic. Terrified I wouldn't see her again. What the fuck was I thinking? Then I turn to myself and I say:

 "Self, shut the fuck up. Being vulnerable is what we are trying to work for, remember."

"Yea but, I don't want to seem needy."

"Who the fuck cares?"

"She might."

"Then she wasn't the one."

"That is a direct quote from the book used to demonstrate avoidant behaviour."

"You know what, you think you're so smart. Fuck you, Self"

"Not if I fuck you up first."


For fuck's sake, I think I have more issues than previously thought because I'm just sticking my head down this emotional rabbit hole and Alice is nowhere in sight.

Later Days,
Hero

Post Date Blinks: I think it went well.

I have no idea what to nickname her. She was absolutely gorgeous. Her eyes caught my attention... constantly.  She seemed a little bit awkward at first but as the conversation flowed she got better. It didn't take long, maybe five minutes.

The date was supposed to be today, but she wanted to move it to yesterday. I was fine with that because I have plans later this evening but was going to cram in the date anyway. We were supposed to meet up for gelato, but last minute she upgraded to dinner. We agreed on sushi.

The sushi was delicious the conversation was better. We laughed a lot. I have no way to describe it other then it just seemed to flow well. So well in fact that we sat at the restaurant long after we were done eating. I suggested we go for dessert. The gelato place was too far to walk so we went around the corner to this nice little coffee place. Where she ordered cider and I had a coffee. (dumb move on my part because I couldn't sleep at all last night) We also agreed on sharing a dessert. Which ended up having coconut in it so she ended up getting dessert. That's ok, I'm watching my figure. Again conversation flowed so well that we lost track of time. What was supposed to be a dinner date turned into three and half hours of good times.

We made loose plans to hang out again on Monday. I'm an airhead though and forgot that this weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving and I have dinner plans out of town. Fuck. I was just so excited to see her again that I completely forgot.

I woke up this morning and couldn't wait to send her a message. I did though because seven a.m. is a little early for messages. I sent her a message this morning and haven't got a reply back yet and my brain went into overdrive over analyzing everything. Did I talk too much? I tend to do that. Did I come on too strong? I may be overcompensating for the avoidance issue. Did we not have enough in common? And a million other questions. The fact I'm doing this means I actually like her. I'm, for once, wanting more and am terrified I won't get it.

Then something else clicked into my head. She told me that she searched for the quote that is on my dating profile. The one about boredom. Well, if she googled it and my blog came up as a result, what if she found this. She still agreed to go out with me even knowing that I may be the author of this blog, she may know more about me than most of my close friends and family. I don't know how to feel about this. Strangely, if she is ok with me after reading my blog then, wow. If I'm just a curiosity, then it's harsh. I honestly have no reason to believe that she found this blog other than my strange, cynical, worst case scenario mind jumping to conclusions. She's probably just busy at work.

Later Days,
Hero.

Ps. As I finished writing this she responded. Tragedy averted, at least for now.

Growth: I'm done the book.

I'm a little disappointed with the book. It opened my eyes to a lot of things regarding attachment. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can point at every single person I know and say what type of attachment style they have.

Strangely enough, or not so strange, most of my friends have an avoidant attachment style. Except Junior, I don't know what he has but it doesn't matter he's happy with his girlfriend.

So why am I disappointed in the book? Well, I kept reading and reading but I never got any answers. The book bashed a bit on avoidants saying "If anyone was unfortunate enough to have been in a relationship with them, we hope you aren't now." Ouch book, ouch. Be fucking nice.

As I kept reading the book it went into details as to how an anxious individual can become less anxious and more secure. Talking about communication. Goes back to when I dated the Doctor and she told me I needed to text her more for her to feel validated. She was an anxious. I am avoidant so I told her to get bent. I'm an asshole. The book says if I actually had her emotional well being in mind I would have agreed to it. I guess that is why it never worked.

The book goes on and explains how secure type attachment people magically know what their partner needs emotionally. Then explains that magic is just being really good at reading non verbal cues and open communication.

The book, obviously went into way more detail than I am here. I kept reading hoping that I'd eventually get to a chapter on how avoidants can become more secure and less in the "Don't fucking touch me." behavioural column and more into the "I love you" behavioral column.

I've concluded that the authors of the book never intended for an avoidant to read it. They seem to think that avoidants are the way we are and we don't think anything is wrong with it.

Well, to be honest, I know that when someone starts getting too lovey dovey with me that I run for the hills. I say brutal things. I become a distant, non-communicative asshole. Here's the kicker though, I FUCKING HATE IT.

This last weekend I had the opportunity to have a sit down with a different ex girlfriend of mine. (by the way keeping ex-gf's around is a sign of being avoidant. As long as I have them in my life, or pine after them I'm avoiding my present opportunities or even sabotaging them. The more you know) The ex-gf I talked to and told her that I've recently figured out I have an attachment avoidant behavioural pattern looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Well, no shit." This is the Ex that I lived with for 8 months, and dated for almost 3 years.

Looking back at the relationship I see that she was an anxious type and I was avoidant. The fights we had were her trying to get me to show that I cared about her but were actually just pushing me away because I would automatically just think "We're fighting, this means we don't work."

Avoidants tend to believe in "the one" that will just work, and if anything goes wrong in a relationship they use that as an excuse to just fucking bail, like I did.

I guess I did learn a fair bit about myself and what behavioural patterns I use to avoid emotional commitments but like I said there was nothing in the book about how to overcome this shit. I still recommend that every single person should read it. Click on the picture below for details.

I'm still not entirely sure how I'm supposed to go about fixing this issue but at least now I've got my foot in the door and can work on it. I have a date this Thursday with someone new so perhaps I may be able to work on it actively instead of just in my head. I'm sure I'll write up a "Post date blinks" post after.

Till then,
Later days,
Hero.

Growth: reading, learning.

I started reading a book. It wasn't the one that the article suggested. It was a book I had actually picked up as a joke gift to my mother that I later decided not to give her because it might actually hurt her feelings. It's called "The invisible presence." How a man's relationship with his mother affects all his relationships. I made it about fifteen pages in before the spiritual mumbo jumbo about finding the warriors way got to me and I had to put it down.

I then went out and bought the book the article recommended, "Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep - love.", and so far it is fucking fantastic. It has a different tone than I expected.

The first part of the book breaks down how we need attachments and how they evolved with us as a species to give us a survival advantage. It explains that there are three basic types of attachment behaviors: avoidant, anxious, and secure. There is no finger pointing or saying one is evil or anything. More so explaining that different people require different types of behaviors to meet there emotional needs.

The book also gives you a link to an online test, which I thought was pretty transparent but was still worth taking. I recommend it for everyone. You can find it here. It allows you to see what your attachment style is. Turns out I'm not as avoidant as I could be, but am still very avoidant. On a scale of 1-7 I was a 5.25.

The one part of the book that blew my mind almost instantly was the situational stress test they talked about. It is an experiment that was performed on a child because child to mother attachment is surprisingly similar to that of regular adult attachments. They took the child and mother put them in a room filled with toys. The child would venture out from the mother and explore the room. The mother would get up and leave the room and the child would freak the fuck out and go to the door and cry. The mother would come back and  console the child and eventually the child would go back to exploring. The part that blew my mind was that the same parallels could be drawn to adults. The child could only develop and grow, becoming more independent and growing it's strengths when the emotional/physical attachment of it's mother was there. This means that as adults we may not reach our true potential without some sort of attachment to be dependant on to encourage us to grow and actually be stronger. Seemed so paradoxical in my mind before but now it just seems to make sense.

I'm still reading and working away but I wanted to give you guys an update.

Turns out, I'm not a lost cause.

Later Days,
Hero.

Growth: Step one, Research.

Since my last post when I divulged my lack of emotional availability I've been doing some research. I honestly had no idea how to go about getting over my cold personality.

What I've found rings all too true. I think I have something called an "attachment avoidance pattern". The article I read, (Full article here) listed some words and phrases that collectively capture, on the surface at least, the various dimensions of "characterological coldness":

• aloof, apart, stand-offish
• impersonal, disengaged, un-involved; closed, shut-down
• detached, distant, remote
• haughty, or projecting superiority (though, if these narcissistic features are present, they could reflect the individual's outward demeanor, or self-deception, far more than how--deep down--they actually see themselves)
• self-absorbed; insulated, passively withdrawn
• emotionally unavailable, inaccessible, unresponsive, indifferent, un-invested
• unfeeling, unemotional, affection-less; unsmiling--straight-faced (or stone-faced)
• cold-hearted--as in "cold fish" or (even worse) an "iceberg" or "ice queen"
• lacking in empathy and compassion
• untrusting, wary, guarded;
• angry, hostile; critical
• excessively independent and self-reliant

These describe me surprisingly well. When I post something on Facebook like this: "It's not that I don't care, I'm just fresh out of fucks. I don't have a single fuck to spare." The comments I get are generally "Classic Hero right there." or "This is not surprising." My friends and family have just accepted that this is the way that I am. I don't accept it though, so I kept reading.

"These traits are not to be confused with introversion." I don't think I'm worried about that.

The article goes on to explain that developmental psychology has explained this behavior as stemming from my childhood. They say it is caused by a lack of emotional bond between the primary care giver, ie. the mother, and the infant. Given my relationship with my mother this also holds true. 

The defense mechanism instilled into the child from the emotional detachment from the mother is to protect themselves from the painful sting of rejection. Basically I can't get hurt if I don't but myself out there, this is apparently learnt in infancy. I have a distinct memory of wanting to cuddle with my mother as a child and having her push me away. I saw the same behavior from my mother with my brother who is 18 years younger than I am. The article says this on the subject, "For to insistently "bother" her for love and have their efforts repeatedly dismissed only functions to contribute to the fear that they may be unlovable--and so expendable. It's only reasonable that children regularly rebuffed in their attempts to establish a stable, secure attachment with their mother would actively strive to reduce to a minimum their expectations for succor and support." The child becomes "preciously pragmatic (another word commonly used to describe me)" and learns to walk the fine line between proximity to the mother and yet virtually evading any risk-fraught chances of intimacy. 

This whole rejection of intimacy as a child becomes an ingrained personal trait, a learned coping mechanism eventually turning off the "activation of the attachment circuitry." 

To summarize a bit the article says "So in the case of the avoidantly attached child, inborn intimacy-seeking behavior is replaced by behavior stressing separateness and independence--qualities that the child recognizes as strongly preferred by her." the mother.

Once an adult I, apparently, took this learned behavior with dealing with a lack of intimacy with my mother and figured, subconciously, that it should apply to everyone. Some of the consequences in adulthood again ring so true. "Disconnected from many of their own feelings, such individuals frequently struggle to pick up on the nonverbal cues of others, to sense what they're feeling. Fundamental social awareness and sensitivity is lacking in them (if you're a long time reader you'll know this is so true), for never having been properly attuned to maternally, their feeling (vs. thinking) side has never adequately developed." as well as "Given that the amount of shared emotion between them and their caregiver was seriously wanting, and also that they frequently felt compelled to shut down any spontaneous expression of feeling they feared might be received negatively, the very capacity for avoidantly attached adults to experience positive emotional states--such as enthusiasm, excitement, pleasure, and delight--may be dwarfed."

I remember one Christmas when I was a teenager, my mother complained that I lacked enthusiasm and excitement. She even went so far as to accuse me of knowing what she had gotten me. Which, in my family, if it had been the case the gift would have been returned. I started that day to "fake it till you make it." I have since learned how to actually feel excitement and enthusiasm, or at least feel the possibly numbed version of it. 

The article says that it isn't surprising that I find close relationships unexplainably uncomfortable, as well as dependancy on others and to go so far as to trust them would be terrifying. I mean how could I when my original relationship had betrayed me from the very beginning. Therefore, "being so emotionally sealed off from others virtually guarantees that they won't be sufficiently "available" to be vulnerable to such a threat."

I started to think here though that if this was such and ingrained trait why do I feel like I'm missing something in my life. Couldn't I just be happy with the little emotional contact I've been getting. Then I kept reading, "Yet, it must be added, this chronic self-insulation also forever denies them their heart's deepest desire--the loving connection that so painfully eluded them originally." Ah, OK, that makes sense. 

Hey, remember when I said, "I've carried that metaphor as far as a I can without making myself gag." Yea, well here is another quote from the article that hits home and by home I mean right in the testicles. "In fact, as the "dismissive adults" they've become, they're even likely to think and speak pejoratively of anything so touchy-feely as, say, sharing, love, or togetherness." 

Apparently this behavior is passed down from parent to child generation after generation. Could this explain why I don't want children. Maybe, I'm male so I don't have the wiring of maternal instinct and desire that women have. I would be willing to bet though that my sisters, who don't want children either, have the same issue. 

The article has a disclaimer that these behaviors can turn into narcissistic personality disorder, or schizoid personality disorder. I read the description of these I can say without a doubt that I don't have the schizoid one, and I can say that I lean towards the narcissist side but I haven't actually crossed over to the full disorder. 

I'm far from fixing this problem, but I think I may be on the right track to get there. I may need to go get the book they recommend in the article. I'll do some more digging but keep you posted. 

Later Days,

Hero.

Unexpected... like seriously.

This weekend I ended up doing a little bit of soul searching. I didn't exactly set out to soul search but I ended up catching a glimpse of it it, my soul that is. The slippery bugger exists, which is more than I could say before.

When I say soul, I don't mean the metaphysical soul that people tend to think goes to heaven. No, I mean my humanity. My empathy and compassion. I have been wondering what has been bothering me as of late and this weekend I think I found out what it is. I'll start at the beginning.

Friday night I set out to have an adventure. Perhaps have something new to post as an "I did something stupid" post. That didn't end up happening. I had a whole lot of fun, but it was surface fun, passing in moments. It seems, lately that is all that I've been having is surface fun. Don't get me wrong I enjoy my life. I'm not depressed or anything like that. I've been rock climbing, hiking, camping, sky diving, and white water rafting. So, I would say I've had an awesome summer. Anyway, back to Friday night. I met some people, had some fun but at the end of the night it was still just me and Token. Walking home I decided that I wanted some Chinese food. We swung by the Chinese food place and you won't believe what happened next.

I had the unique experience of having a nice little sit down with the CLR. That's right the cute little redhead. You can read about some of our escapades here, here and the end of it here. Turns out the reason she stopped calling me is because the last night we hung out, I was an insensitive asshole, I was drunk, and she figured if I was interested in her I'd call. Well I didn't call. Back then I rationalized it as I wasn't really available. I was working 10 hour days. Looking back now though, I just wasn't feeling it. I ended up being totally honest with her. I mean I had nothing to lose so I came clean about everything. Dating multiple people, which she admitted she was doing as well. I came clean on lacking empathy and mostly just not giving a fuck. During the whole conversation the same things kept catching my attention.

They were the same things that my ex, the one that I went to go visit a couple of times, the one I was trying to get to move here, kept saying. She said "It's been ten years and it feels like I don't know you." This was after she didn't think I could do auto repairs and actually laughed at the thought of me doing them. Little did she know that other then the electronics in a vehicle I can fix most things and those that I don't know how to I can figure out with little help. This was apparently a side of me she didn't even know existed. How could someone I care about so much be so far away emotionally.

I let these little brain waves settle into my mind sometime Saturday morning. There it sat stewing away, simmering down and condensing into something. I didn't know what exactly till I was sitting at home Sunday night. I was browsing through my blog reel when I came across my friend Haven's blog and there, right in the title was my little conundrum spelled out in plain English. "The power of Vulnerability and listening to shame." It called out to me and I immediately clicked on it and went on reading. Haven has a link to a Ted-talk in there and it was exactly what I needed to hear. “This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee..."

I lack vulnerability. I am untouchable by other people. I numbed myself to it. Don't get me wrong I have faults I feel sadness and unease but I don't ever, ever let people see it, never mind know that it exists. The lady in the talk points out that you can't just selectively numb one type of emotion, you have to do them all to get any. I need to experience the vulnerability of being human in order to build human connections, which I haven't allowed myself to do for as long as I can remember.

I'm a self proclaimed asshole for fuck's sake. My moniker is Not the Hero. I think one of the things that really got me going on this soul search happened earlier on Friday. I sent out a tweet, I meant it mostly as a joke but it is only funny if there is a grain of truth in it. This is what I said, "I'm an asshole and a narcissist with zero self worth. How do you think everyone else rates?"

Looking at this with fresh, and sober eyes I still find it amusing but in light of my recent self discovery, it saddens me. Then the more I think about it, it scares me.

I'm terrified that I won't be able to fix it. I have no idea where to start to get back to the more human side of my personality. I'm lost in my own world of asshole behavior, and a lack of giving a fuck about anything.

I've built impenetrable walls of sarcasm, snide remarks and an air of superiority that I used to take comfort in. I used to feel like I was king of my castle and everyone should be jealous of how awesomely fortified I was. I could never get hurt and it was fantastic. I always figured that I'd find someone and invite them into my fortified emotional state and we could be happy together in there, guarded away from everyone else. I think I was wrong though, no one wants to come in, never mind stay. They may come have a peek at it but all they see are the stone walls and parapets and then turn away. My walls that were supposed to protect me from pain are now trapping me in my loneliness.

I've carried that metaphor about as far as I can before I make myself gag. Honestly though, I have no idea how to become more emotionally available. Not just faking it either, but to actually let my guard down.

Step one is realizing you have a problem right?

Step two might be adjusting my paradigms?

Step three?

Later Days,
Hero.

Kicking Ass and Taking Names.

These last couple weeks have been pretty intense. Nothing exciting however.

I've been trying for once to actually get back into shape. I am sick of being a little doughier than I like. I found a fantastic dieting company that cooks and delivers the food to your house. Yay, it's like eating out every meal like I was but slightly cheaper and way way more healthy.

I've been swimming to get my cardio better because I tried to go on a hike about 2 weeks ago and had to turn back not even an hour in because it was kicking my ass. I felt like mold.      We then went and did the responsible thing and went to the best micro brewery around and drank beer all afternoon. I know, probably didn't help with the whole out of shape thing.

I found a new app to help me do some weight lifting to put on muscle. It's called jefit. I love it. Who needs a personal trainer with this thing. I do have one problem though and this is probably why I am not a ripped massive body builder because I love lifting weights, endorphins are fantastic. The problem is I get sore. Not just regular sore, debilitating sore. Like after leg day I can't walk. I've been told it means I'm lifting too much weight but when I cut out the amount of weight I'm lifting I don't get a workout. I've been told it gets better as you work out more. I've yet to see it get better ever in my life. Then I was told I was missing something from my diet, but since I'm on a structured diet from a fitness company that shouldn't be the case either. It's my biggest problem when it comes to getting into a routine. If it takes me a week to recover from one day in the gym it's kind of hard to get into a rhythm.

So that pretty much takes up my days of the week. I've been trying to find a house to move into with Vegas and Token but alas we can't find anything. We aren't all the picky either but apparently things don't stay on the renters market for longer than a day. If you don't get it first you're fucker'd.

I went out last Friday and you'd never guess who I ran into. The same chick that had gotten me punched in the face. I tried to apologize for being an asshole but she was equally as unreasonable as she was before. I ended up just leaving that bar for a bit went to a different bar then came back and she was still looking at me like she wanted all the terrible things in the world to happen to me. I was later told by a guy that knew her that she was just legit style crazy. I still didn't like it. She wouldn't let me apologize again so I ended up just ignoring her. The night got to a point that I was drunker than I was comfortable with, which is something that never happens to me. I actually ended up stumbling home. I never stumble. Weird.

There you are all caught up on my life at the moment. Really exciting ya? I know, I feel like uber lame sauce.

Which actually gets me thinking. Why am I feeling out of sorts? Why am I not out and about doing stupid things and enjoying my last legs of summer? I have no fucking clue.

I may go out this weekend and do some remarkably stupid things just to see if it is still as fun as it used to be. I think that part of the problem is I can't find my set point for being drunk lately. I've been over shooting the mark by a whole fuck load. I may have to scale it back a bit and see how that goes.

Who knows if I really do manage to get into this fitness kick I may actually start going completely sober. I'm pretty sure everyone I know would die of shock if that were to happen but the look on their faces would be priceless.

Eventually I'd like to get to a happy enough place to start dating again. That would be nice.

Later Days,
NtH

What the Fuck Wednesday: Asshole.

I'm going to premise this post by saying I almost got a black eye this last weekend.

Enter stage left, myself, Mr. Not the Hero himself. In his true to form self. Drunk. I had somehow managed to only eat popcorn for dinner Friday night, but decided that doing ridiculous amounts of shots and drinking PBR would be a great time. Oh did I mention I was also in a rock bar. I don't been just any rock bar, but live music, screaming skin head, rock bar. I didn't do half bad, I actually knew people there. I played pool. I was actually having a great time. However, I eventually lost the guy I was there with and ended up a little bit loser pissed. I remember everything but I lost my filter at some point. Nothing of importance happened till after the bar had closed.

I'm outside smoking and I see this girl. She's cute, fashionable, and sad. I go over and sit down next to her on the steps. This is how the conversation goes.

NtH: Hi, you doing alright?

Her: Yea, I'm fine.

NtH: OK, How's your night going?

Her: I said I'm fine.

NtH: Oh Come on, I was just trying to be nice.

Her: Fuck off.

NtH: Fine, go fuck yourself.

I didn't get up and move though. She started glaring at me. I didn't give a fuck, I lounged out on the steps and crossed my legs. I was people watching and completely ignoring the girl sulking next to me. She got up, stormed away from me and told me to leave her alone. I just waved and smiled. She yelled at me to stop looking at her. In doing so she managed to catch the eye of a fat, drunk ass, native, bitch... I mean super nice vigilante. She looked at me walked over yelled "Douche Bag" and just started fucking swinging. She actually landed some punches. I had no Idea what to do. I stuck my hands in my pockets and ran toward the bouncer. I got there with the chick hot on my heals. "Can you just let me in so this drunk bitch will stop punching me in the face." Luckily I knew the manager of the bar and the bouncer vouched saying that I didn't actually do anything wrong. I said I didn't want to call the cops I just wanted to wait inside till the crazies were gone. I was fucking wasted and bringing police into it wasn't going to help me out at all. I sat inside for about 30 minutes till they left.

I went outside bought a bag of chips at a Mac's store notorious for junkies (crack Mac's) and then offered the junkies chips whenever they asked me for change. Surprisingly enough when the cop showed up he asked me what I was doing, "Eating Chips, watching junkies.", he just told me to go home. I made it home around 5 am.

Now that you know the story, I'll tell you why it was only "almost" a black eye. I don't bruise easily. Nobody said a word about it the next day because you couldn't see it. It was sore but it never bruised and never swelled.

The only thing that even remotely bothers me about this night was, and this has been happening a lot lately and I think people need to understand the difference between these things, is the vigilante decided that I was a "Douche bag" before trying to cave my face in. However the problem is that I wasn't being a douch bag. I was being an asshole. These things are not synonyms.

You can be a douche bag, and an asshole, sure, but being an asshole does not automatically put you into column A.

To be a douche bag you don't even have to be an asshole. Most of the time said douche bag is an asshole but he is unaware of it and being said asshole is more a side effect of what makes him a douche bag in the first place. Arrogance and stupidity.

Arrogance combined with stupidity is what makes them wear the ed hardy, affliction, and other "I'm a fighter" brand clothing. It's what makes them think that getting the tribal armband is still bad ass. It's what makes them lift the fuck out of their trucks yet never leave the city. It's what makes them rice out their Sunfires with fake air intakes and massive spoilers. Fake tans, HGH and new fucking hair cuts. Use the suffix ski: Broski, brewski. It's what happens when an entitled nitwit, that was never told no, is allowed to run amok without consequences.

I get called arrogant at times, and at times I can come across that way, I know. It's something I don't like about myself and I'm working on it. Overcompensating for insecurities or something like that. If you believe the head shrinkers out there.

Here's the key point that separates me from being a douche bag. I don't look arrogant I just sound arrogant sometimes. (You try not to sound condescending when telling someone that the titanic was an actual ship that sank and not just a movie) I'm smarter than the average bear and I know it. That's the fucking problem.

However, being an asshole is still just what it is, being an asshole.

I lived up to my moniker once again.

Later Days,
NtH

Perhaps I don't exist.

Now I know I do exist in a physical sense as in I can interact with physical objects and such but there is a small problem I keep running into,
technology has no idea I exist. Either that, or it is being a royal asshole and just ignoring me. I'm the guy that walks into automatic doors because they refuse to open for me. I have been known to go unnoticed by motion activated lights and automatic bathrooms are a nightmare.

I was using an auto flush toilet and before I was finished it decided that instead of a toilet what I actually needed was a beday. In case your eating while reading this that is as much detail as you get but it definitely put a damper on my day. Especially since, once I got ready to wash my hands, none of the taps would acknowledge me and actually turn on. Eventually I got one to work by waving toilet paper in front of the sensor. Why toilet paper you might ask. Well, because the fucking paper towel dispenser was also automatic and again ignored me. I eventually got it all figured out. I had someone else wave their hand in front of the paper towel dispenser so I could dry off my hands.

This isn't the end of it either. I recently acquired a tablet to replace my dead PC. I also have the same problem with my smart phone. Touch screens only work for me sometimes. Logging into my phone is a problem especially when it locks itself out for 30 minutes after enough tries. My tablet is just frustrating to use. I also have a problem using the touch screen in my sisters new car. I couldn't even adjust my own fucking climate control.

All of this I've been able to deal with, with surprising grace and only a handful of full blown tantrums. The problem seems to be getting worse. I block out wi-fi and cellular service. I'm not kidding, if I get too close to someone who has only a couple of bars on their phone, they will lose service completely. My phone only works to send and receive when it is far enough away from my body. I have to use hands free, but not bluetooth because, guess what, I block that shit too.

I went to go see my doctor about it and he told me I'm imagining it. That there is no physical precedent for this to be happening and if I was the only one noticing these things I'd probably just drop it. But I'm not. Every one that is around me long enough points it out. It is getting ridiculous. I think my personal magnetic field is all wonky, scientific term there, and that I fuck with the wavelengths and currents for whatever is needed for all of these things to work.

I'm not saying I've developed some sort of mutant power because it doesn't work all the the time. Just when it is the least convenient time possible. 

Seriously fed up with technology these days.
NtH

PS. It took me 3 attempts to publish this.

Soft Core Friday: I'm back.

I'm lonely.... not really.
I've recently learned that this has become a line guys have been using to try and get ladies. I don't get it. I mean, I get it as a guy but I also like to think I understand women. I'm sometimes wrong but I get by batting way over five hundred. The whole problem with announcing that your lonely to the woman you are trying to swoon is this. You sound pathetic. The guys brain is thinking "If she likes me and thinks I'm lonely she will automatically want to fix it." This is how a guy's brain works. It irritates women to no end how we always want to fix things. Women as a whole don't suffer these urges so "I'm lonely" has the opposite effect than you had hoped. She will probably be less inclined to come over and touch your man bits.

This got me to thinking, what would be a good line or thing to say/text to a woman to convey that you're interested in her and want her, like now. "I want to rock your body with orgasms till you weep." was the first thing to pop into my mind. It seems rather effective at conveying the general intent but lacking a certain finesse and unless you've already had some sexy time with said woman this is just going to come across as... hmm, let's see "rape-y".

There is the ever ready line "Want to come over and watch a movie?" I'm not going to lie and say I've never used it because I have. It has worked many times but it has also back fired almost as many times and ladies, that's just cruel. Nothing like sitting through the first half of "how to lose a guy in ten days" only to realize that your lady friend literally just came over to watch a movie. Ladies if a guy ever asks you to come over and watch a movie, he usually wants to touch your naughty bits. If you come over and sit as far away from him on the couch it is like setting a plate of cookies just out of the reach of a five year old. He may even cry a little. If you didn't want to even cuddle why the fuck did you come over. Watch a movie by your self at your own god damn house. Movie watching isn't exactly engaging.

So now I'm stumped. What would be a good straight forward, to avoid watching chick flicks, and non creeper way of telling a woman that you want to have sexy times with her. You could try being dapper, "By chance ,fair lady, would you like to go gallivanting in my chambers wearing naught but your bloomers?"  I love it! I somehow don't think this would be particularly effective.

Indubitably! 

 There is always the most straight forward way possible and it is kinda creepy but I mean if you think you're at a point where you think sex could happen then it should work. I can't claim in as my own but I've loved it ever since the show first aired. I wish they never cancelled it but Rocko from Undergrads may have said it best. "Can I offer you sex, in exchange for, sex?"

On a more personal note, my life has gotten back to some semblance of order and I actually have time to write and you know, think. I will be posting more often again. I can't promise it will be good but I will be posting. I of course owe a huge shout out to random girl for the soft core friday theme she started oh so long ago. I've also started a new writing project, a novel. I'm trying to decide if I should start a new blog space for it and to do a "Live write" Where everything I write just gets added to the blog every time I write something new. I think it would be interesting. I'll give you guys more details soon.

Later Days,
NtH

Why I hate guinea pigs.

Hello again my lovely readers. I know these last six months I've been a terrible blogger. My life just hasn't been that interesting. I've been working 10 hour days and weekends. This is about to change, which means I'll have more time to do other things. Interesting things. Like go on a road trip. More on that later. It includes the reason as to why I hate guinea pigs too, so hold your horses.

The most exciting news, I guess, is I'm moving. Nothing huge just out of the place that I share with my sisters. This isn't me getting kicked out like every one I tell seems to automatically assume. No, this is a mutual thing. They approached me and asked if I would be willing to move out. We reached an arrangement that works financially and it looks like I'll be moving out at the end of September. I was rather excited. Then I started looking for a place. There is a way that I could scrape by and find a nice place for me, myself, and I but it doesn't look like I'll have any disposable income. That isn't fun. So I got to thinking. I could find a room mate. Sadly all my best mates have all moved into new places recently and have signed leases so I'm plum out of luck on living with a friend. I suppose I could live with a stranger.... woot. No. Been there done that filed for a restraining order and had him kicked out of university. Fun. No. I don't think I'd like to live with a stranger but it is still an option. The other option that popped into my measly little brain was live with a girlfriend. Fuck, I'm still single. So I sat down on my cloud rock (if anyone gets that reference you'll earn my undying respect) and realized I kind of already do have a girl with whom I could jump into that stage of relationship. The ex that I dated and have gone to see a couple times that moved back to BC to get away from the psychotic waste of oxygen that she had been dating. You know the one, I'll post links tomorrow when I am at work in the office and not writing this on my tablet laying in bed eating peanut butter toast. Classy, I know, and I'll hate myself around 3 am when a crumb scratches me and wakes me up. I kid, I'm OCD about my bed I only eat over the covers.

This leads to the road trip part of the post. I went to see her again to try and convince her to move back here to be with me and live happily ever after, or something like that. She reads this so everything in this post you know to be the truth. I'm not going to go into to much detail because I don't want to over share anything she doesn't necessarily want the world to know about. The trip was a lot of fun. She wasn't feeling all that up to snuff but I had a good time with her anyway. I could spend the rest of my life laying on a couch with her watching sponge Bob square pants and nothing else and I'd be happy. If that isn't love I don't know what is. Part of the reason I went to see her was because I missed her, part because she was a little sick, and part to gauge how likely she would be to move here.

When I got there I found out her roommate's kids have a pet guinea pig. You ever hear what one of those things sound like. I know the sound well. I hate it. The good thing was it was quiet at night. Little bastard tried to bite me too but that was my fault for putting my fingers in the cage.

I don't know if she is going to move here. I really have no clue. I hope she does. I do know that visiting her reminded me of how much I actually miss her.

Later days
NtH

What the Fuck Wednesday: Busy.

Let me premise this by saying that busy doesn't do my weekend justice.

I took Friday off of work to hang out with a Girl, we'll call her Shorty cause she is really tiny. The plan was go to one of the many stampede breakfasts that go on here then watch the parade then spend the rest of the day together just chillen, drinking and generally having a good time.

Well, because I happen to live downtown and the parade is downtown getting to my house was a bit of a challenge for Shorty. An hour after she said she was going to be there she showed up. She did keep me posted as she was driving so I knew what was happening. We ended up missing the breakfasts and were kind of rushed to find a spot to watch the parade.

The parade: what a bunch of wasted time wrapped up in a sardine can type of uncooked bacon covered ball of goose shit. I'm not even holding the parade to to that high of a standard. (my home town of 3800 people had a better parade) The floats all 5 of them were nothing special. The marching bands were laughable, they all played the same arrangement and I'm 99% sure that wasn't on purpose either. The rest was repetitive. horse drawn carriage followed by people on horses. The only thing in the parade that was even remotely worth it was the armed forces part of it. Canadians don't get to see our armed forces that much so it was cool to see the tanks and such driving by.

The rest of the day was nothing that special. We drank some beer and had some food over the course I figured out that I couldn't ever be more than friends with her. That evening we went out dancing and met up with Vegas and Token. All fine and dandy, however this city doesn't have anywhere near enough Cabs so we ended up walking back to my place where her car was; 20 blocks or so.

Queue up the random strange black guy with a thick foreign accent. He was walking the other direction about a block from the gas station by my house, this is important. He sees shorty and immediately turns and starts talking to her and then starts walking with us. This doesn't inherently bother me but I take up a nice position right behind them as they walk and chat. He "only" groped at her once. He walked with us all the way to my house another 5 blocks. I think shorty is going to crash at my place, sleep on my couch or whatever. Nope, instead she is going to drive home. That's fine she hadn't been drinking since like 7 and it was currently 330 am. Next thing I know strange random guy gets in the car with her and is apparently getting a ride to the gas station. Remember the one he was only a block away from when he joined us. WHAT THE FUCK!!! She just says call me in 5 minutes. Yea cause you know, your annoying ringtone is going to stop him from doing whatever he wants to do to you. I'm not impressed with this situation at all. I get into my car, drunk. I know, not OK. I am not OK with drunk driving but in this case of protecting a girl from what I'm sure is not going to be a pleasant experience I stand by my choice. I pull in behind her at the gas station and he isn't getting out of her car. I phone her.

"Hey, What's going on?" I ask.
"Oh just sitting at the gas station."
"I know, I'm right being you."
"Oh, so you are."

Instantly, he gets out of the car, glares straight at me. She drives off and I go back home. Where I phone her again and proceed to ask her if she is suicidal or just stupid.

"Do not ever, ever, fucking ever, let a random stranger into your car at 3 am. Never mind in my neighborhood where I know I have at least one business that is a front for a Lebanese gang."
"Oh I didn't know."
"Didn't know what? That you're a tiny attractive woman that just put yourself in a very compromising position with a stranger?"
"I'm sorry, I'm just a trusting person."
"Fuck, Shorty, You lived here for two weeks before your car was stolen, in broad daylight. Why the fuck would you decide that a random stranger at 3 am is trust worthy?"
"OK you're right, I'm sorry."
"Good because you scared the shit out of me."

Needless to say this put me up way past when I should have been in bed to be able to get up and give Vegas a ride to work. My bad.

Saturday. I know Vegas is pissed at me before I even call him to apologize.

I'm supposed to spend the day with the girl I went camping with. We were going to the Stampede, which was fun but I think I'll just do a post about stampede all by itself. Instead I'm going to talk about what happened with her.

We were socializing in the beer gardens spending 7 dollars for a can of Budweiser and everything is going well. I just sat down with a table of people that as it turns out had graduated from high school with my cousin. Up walks girl.

Now I suppose some back story is going to help out with this part. The weekend we were camping wasn't the first time we slept together. In fact I've blogged about her before. A long time ago here and here and mentioned here, here, here here.

Our Friendship started years ago and progressed to whatever it was before Saturday night. I had already talked to her about the drunken mistake we had participated in the weekend before and had made it clear that we were not dating, nor would I date her.

However Saturday night was something else all together. We went to the beer gardens at the stampede. I was having a riot. It was fantastic. Other than the ridiculously expensive beer but regardless of that I was meeting people and generally being social. I had left J with some friends and went wondering to meet people. I had joined this table of people and found out that 3 of them had actually graduated from high school with my cousin. I was just starting to talk to the cute girl at the table when J cam up and asked to speak with me. I thought maybe something had happened. Someone had told her off, yelled at her, or something. NOPE!.

"You abandoned me!"
"What?"
"You just left me all alone."
"J, you're in the middle of a beer garden surrounded by people."
"Yea but you left me."
"No I didn't I was sitting right there"
"You are supposed to be with me."
"like by your side?"
"well no."
"then what?"
"I don't want you to leave me."
"I'm not allowed to be social?"
"well yea..."

It evolved into her not being independent enough to meet new people by herself and eventually reading the core issue of not wanting me to meet a girl. It caused a massive scene, where she cried and screamed, in the beer gardens. She even used the line "you should know what is wrong". Nothing pisses me off faster than the expectation of super powers. I'm not a fucking mind reader.

When we left shortly after and went back to my place she couldn't figure out why I made her sleep on the couch.

Balls.

Later days
NtH.