Wednesday, August 29, 2012

What the Fuck Wednesday: Asshole.

I'm going to premise this post by saying I almost got a black eye this last weekend.

Enter stage left, myself, Mr. Not the Hero himself. In his true to form self. Drunk. I had somehow managed to only eat popcorn for dinner Friday night, but decided that doing ridiculous amounts of shots and drinking PBR would be a great time. Oh did I mention I was also in a rock bar. I don't been just any rock bar, but live music, screaming skin head, rock bar. I didn't do half bad, I actually knew people there. I played pool. I was actually having a great time. However, I eventually lost the guy I was there with and ended up a little bit loser pissed. I remember everything but I lost my filter at some point. Nothing of importance happened till after the bar had closed.

I'm outside smoking and I see this girl. She's cute, fashionable, and sad. I go over and sit down next to her on the steps. This is how the conversation goes.

NtH: Hi, you doing alright?

Her: Yea, I'm fine.

NtH: OK, How's your night going?

Her: I said I'm fine.

NtH: Oh Come on, I was just trying to be nice.

Her: Fuck off.

NtH: Fine, go fuck yourself.

I didn't get up and move though. She started glaring at me. I didn't give a fuck, I lounged out on the steps and crossed my legs. I was people watching and completely ignoring the girl sulking next to me. She got up, stormed away from me and told me to leave her alone. I just waved and smiled. She yelled at me to stop looking at her. In doing so she managed to catch the eye of a fat, drunk ass, native, bitch... I mean super nice vigilante. She looked at me walked over yelled "Douche Bag" and just started fucking swinging. She actually landed some punches. I had no Idea what to do. I stuck my hands in my pockets and ran toward the bouncer. I got there with the chick hot on my heals. "Can you just let me in so this drunk bitch will stop punching me in the face." Luckily I knew the manager of the bar and the bouncer vouched saying that I didn't actually do anything wrong. I said I didn't want to call the cops I just wanted to wait inside till the crazies were gone. I was fucking wasted and bringing police into it wasn't going to help me out at all. I sat inside for about 30 minutes till they left.

I went outside bought a bag of chips at a Mac's store notorious for junkies (crack Mac's) and then offered the junkies chips whenever they asked me for change. Surprisingly enough when the cop showed up he asked me what I was doing, "Eating Chips, watching junkies.", he just told me to go home. I made it home around 5 am.

Now that you know the story, I'll tell you why it was only "almost" a black eye. I don't bruise easily. Nobody said a word about it the next day because you couldn't see it. It was sore but it never bruised and never swelled.

The only thing that even remotely bothers me about this night was, and this has been happening a lot lately and I think people need to understand the difference between these things, is the vigilante decided that I was a "Douche bag" before trying to cave my face in. However the problem is that I wasn't being a douch bag. I was being an asshole. These things are not synonyms.

You can be a douche bag, and an asshole, sure, but being an asshole does not automatically put you into column A.

To be a douche bag you don't even have to be an asshole. Most of the time said douche bag is an asshole but he is unaware of it and being said asshole is more a side effect of what makes him a douche bag in the first place. Arrogance and stupidity.

Arrogance combined with stupidity is what makes them wear the ed hardy, affliction, and other "I'm a fighter" brand clothing. It's what makes them think that getting the tribal armband is still bad ass. It's what makes them lift the fuck out of their trucks yet never leave the city. It's what makes them rice out their Sunfires with fake air intakes and massive spoilers. Fake tans, HGH and new fucking hair cuts. Use the suffix ski: Broski, brewski. It's what happens when an entitled nitwit, that was never told no, is allowed to run amok without consequences.

I get called arrogant at times, and at times I can come across that way, I know. It's something I don't like about myself and I'm working on it. Overcompensating for insecurities or something like that. If you believe the head shrinkers out there.

Here's the key point that separates me from being a douche bag. I don't look arrogant I just sound arrogant sometimes. (You try not to sound condescending when telling someone that the titanic was an actual ship that sank and not just a movie) I'm smarter than the average bear and I know it. That's the fucking problem.

However, being an asshole is still just what it is, being an asshole.

I lived up to my moniker once again.

Later Days,

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Perhaps I don't exist.

Now I know I do exist in a physical sense as in I can interact with physical objects and such but there is a small problem I keep running into,
technology has no idea I exist. Either that, or it is being a royal asshole and just ignoring me. I'm the guy that walks into automatic doors because they refuse to open for me. I have been known to go unnoticed by motion activated lights and automatic bathrooms are a nightmare.

I was using an auto flush toilet and before I was finished it decided that instead of a toilet what I actually needed was a beday. In case your eating while reading this that is as much detail as you get but it definitely put a damper on my day. Especially since, once I got ready to wash my hands, none of the taps would acknowledge me and actually turn on. Eventually I got one to work by waving toilet paper in front of the sensor. Why toilet paper you might ask. Well, because the fucking paper towel dispenser was also automatic and again ignored me. I eventually got it all figured out. I had someone else wave their hand in front of the paper towel dispenser so I could dry off my hands.

This isn't the end of it either. I recently acquired a tablet to replace my dead PC. I also have the same problem with my smart phone. Touch screens only work for me sometimes. Logging into my phone is a problem especially when it locks itself out for 30 minutes after enough tries. My tablet is just frustrating to use. I also have a problem using the touch screen in my sisters new car. I couldn't even adjust my own fucking climate control.

All of this I've been able to deal with, with surprising grace and only a handful of full blown tantrums. The problem seems to be getting worse. I block out wi-fi and cellular service. I'm not kidding, if I get too close to someone who has only a couple of bars on their phone, they will lose service completely. My phone only works to send and receive when it is far enough away from my body. I have to use hands free, but not bluetooth because, guess what, I block that shit too.

I went to go see my doctor about it and he told me I'm imagining it. That there is no physical precedent for this to be happening and if I was the only one noticing these things I'd probably just drop it. But I'm not. Every one that is around me long enough points it out. It is getting ridiculous. I think my personal magnetic field is all wonky, scientific term there, and that I fuck with the wavelengths and currents for whatever is needed for all of these things to work.

I'm not saying I've developed some sort of mutant power because it doesn't work all the the time. Just when it is the least convenient time possible. 

Seriously fed up with technology these days.

PS. It took me 3 attempts to publish this.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Soft Core Friday: I'm back.

I'm lonely.... not really.
I've recently learned that this has become a line guys have been using to try and get ladies. I don't get it. I mean, I get it as a guy but I also like to think I understand women. I'm sometimes wrong but I get by batting way over five hundred. The whole problem with announcing that your lonely to the woman you are trying to swoon is this. You sound pathetic. The guys brain is thinking "If she likes me and thinks I'm lonely she will automatically want to fix it." This is how a guy's brain works. It irritates women to no end how we always want to fix things. Women as a whole don't suffer these urges so "I'm lonely" has the opposite effect than you had hoped. She will probably be less inclined to come over and touch your man bits.

This got me to thinking, what would be a good line or thing to say/text to a woman to convey that you're interested in her and want her, like now. "I want to rock your body with orgasms till you weep." was the first thing to pop into my mind. It seems rather effective at conveying the general intent but lacking a certain finesse and unless you've already had some sexy time with said woman this is just going to come across as... hmm, let's see "rape-y".

There is the ever ready line "Want to come over and watch a movie?" I'm not going to lie and say I've never used it because I have. It has worked many times but it has also back fired almost as many times and ladies, that's just cruel. Nothing like sitting through the first half of "how to lose a guy in ten days" only to realize that your lady friend literally just came over to watch a movie. Ladies if a guy ever asks you to come over and watch a movie, he usually wants to touch your naughty bits. If you come over and sit as far away from him on the couch it is like setting a plate of cookies just out of the reach of a five year old. He may even cry a little. If you didn't want to even cuddle why the fuck did you come over. Watch a movie by your self at your own god damn house. Movie watching isn't exactly engaging.

So now I'm stumped. What would be a good straight forward, to avoid watching chick flicks, and non creeper way of telling a woman that you want to have sexy times with her. You could try being dapper, "By chance ,fair lady, would you like to go gallivanting in my chambers wearing naught but your bloomers?"  I love it! I somehow don't think this would be particularly effective.


 There is always the most straight forward way possible and it is kinda creepy but I mean if you think you're at a point where you think sex could happen then it should work. I can't claim in as my own but I've loved it ever since the show first aired. I wish they never cancelled it but Rocko from Undergrads may have said it best. "Can I offer you sex, in exchange for, sex?"

On a more personal note, my life has gotten back to some semblance of order and I actually have time to write and you know, think. I will be posting more often again. I can't promise it will be good but I will be posting. I of course owe a huge shout out to random girl for the soft core friday theme she started oh so long ago. I've also started a new writing project, a novel. I'm trying to decide if I should start a new blog space for it and to do a "Live write" Where everything I write just gets added to the blog every time I write something new. I think it would be interesting. I'll give you guys more details soon.

Later Days,

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Why I hate guinea pigs.

Hello again my lovely readers. I know these last six months I've been a terrible blogger. My life just hasn't been that interesting. I've been working 10 hour days and weekends. This is about to change, which means I'll have more time to do other things. Interesting things. Like go on a road trip. More on that later. It includes the reason as to why I hate guinea pigs too, so hold your horses.

The most exciting news, I guess, is I'm moving. Nothing huge just out of the place that I share with my sisters. This isn't me getting kicked out like every one I tell seems to automatically assume. No, this is a mutual thing. They approached me and asked if I would be willing to move out. We reached an arrangement that works financially and it looks like I'll be moving out at the end of September. I was rather excited. Then I started looking for a place. There is a way that I could scrape by and find a nice place for me, myself, and I but it doesn't look like I'll have any disposable income. That isn't fun. So I got to thinking. I could find a room mate. Sadly all my best mates have all moved into new places recently and have signed leases so I'm plum out of luck on living with a friend. I suppose I could live with a stranger.... woot. No. Been there done that filed for a restraining order and had him kicked out of university. Fun. No. I don't think I'd like to live with a stranger but it is still an option. The other option that popped into my measly little brain was live with a girlfriend. Fuck, I'm still single. So I sat down on my cloud rock (if anyone gets that reference you'll earn my undying respect) and realized I kind of already do have a girl with whom I could jump into that stage of relationship. The ex that I dated and have gone to see a couple times that moved back to BC to get away from the psychotic waste of oxygen that she had been dating. You know the one, I'll post links tomorrow when I am at work in the office and not writing this on my tablet laying in bed eating peanut butter toast. Classy, I know, and I'll hate myself around 3 am when a crumb scratches me and wakes me up. I kid, I'm OCD about my bed I only eat over the covers.

This leads to the road trip part of the post. I went to see her again to try and convince her to move back here to be with me and live happily ever after, or something like that. She reads this so everything in this post you know to be the truth. I'm not going to go into to much detail because I don't want to over share anything she doesn't necessarily want the world to know about. The trip was a lot of fun. She wasn't feeling all that up to snuff but I had a good time with her anyway. I could spend the rest of my life laying on a couch with her watching sponge Bob square pants and nothing else and I'd be happy. If that isn't love I don't know what is. Part of the reason I went to see her was because I missed her, part because she was a little sick, and part to gauge how likely she would be to move here.

When I got there I found out her roommate's kids have a pet guinea pig. You ever hear what one of those things sound like. I know the sound well. I hate it. The good thing was it was quiet at night. Little bastard tried to bite me too but that was my fault for putting my fingers in the cage.

I don't know if she is going to move here. I really have no clue. I hope she does. I do know that visiting her reminded me of how much I actually miss her.

Later days