tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1186592720491993632024-03-05T21:55:04.944-07:00A Fallacious ComedyNot the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.comBlogger158125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-90560785916421302712014-05-01T14:28:00.000-06:002014-05-01T14:28:01.330-06:002048God damn this fucking game has sucked away all of my motivation and free time. Sure I've been it a bunch of times but I keep coming back to it. It's like video game crystal meth.<br /><br />http://gabrielecirulli.github.io/2048/ Go here at your own risk.<br /><br />Fuck it. I'm trying to figure out the best way to get back into writing. It's already May and I haven't written more than 50 words. Fuck me sideways with a wooden spoon.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-77704574707631732922014-01-02T16:33:00.000-07:002014-01-02T16:33:11.372-07:00It's a new year. It's now been some hours into 2014 and I find myself staring at my blog and wondering what happened.<br /><br />I know what happened. I lost my motivation to write. I had completely lost my will and desire to write. No fiction, no blog, nothing. I don't know why either but I feel the bug, the writers bug, crawling back into my brainspace.<br /><br />It isn't that I wasn't living a life worth talking about because that just is plain untrue. I've had some ridiculous adventures in the last year and sadly I haven't shared any of them with you. I didn't even jot notes down anywhere to jog my memories into a place that I could write them down if I wanted to. I mean I remember events but not in the detail that I like to write about them in.<br /><br />Sure I could tell you about the women I've dated in the last year but I don't think I will. I've decided that I don't want this to be a "dating" blog. For one; I don't think it is conducive to dating. I know I would be put off a little bit if I learned after a while that the girl I was dating was putting our relationship on blast for the world to see. For two; I think in writing about my dating life it let me super duper hyper critical about everything little thing. Instead of just sitting back and enjoying the ride I was over thinking every god damn action to the point of being neurotic, so I think little things might creep into the blog but there won't be any more "post date blinks" posts.<br /><br />I'm going to write a lot more fiction. I'm sure some of my readers (that are still here) remember that I am <i>still</i> writing a novel or two. I'm going to try and put a little bit more effort into them and get some more readership. Any help with that will definitely be appreciated.<br /><br />I'm going to try and write at least 100,000 <i>new</i> words this year, somewhere, whether it be on this blog or my other novel blogs.<br /><br /><a href="http://theunrighteousseries.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">The Unrighteous Series</a><br /><div>
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<a href="http://classoneorder.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Class One Order</a><br /><br />I plan on sticking to writing this year. It is something I truly miss and makes me happy. Here's to 2014. I look forward to sharing it with you.</div>
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Hero.</div>
Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-58481772821233197212013-06-17T15:13:00.000-06:002013-06-17T15:13:10.748-06:00Silly hat party. <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi60xR9amsXnycd-vRo_8jF1Y_b-ApW-vsLVb5Wd_4ZGJuckBNwbh0ZTWbC1-J1R-MnggZHGqWzwyPmVfvrW8OGhJ6GIzGfsSSdH9Z-c21edg1X8y6l0ZUUb2nvClN-A7NEdmV-UEIO0sdg/s1600/Lamp+party..jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi60xR9amsXnycd-vRo_8jF1Y_b-ApW-vsLVb5Wd_4ZGJuckBNwbh0ZTWbC1-J1R-MnggZHGqWzwyPmVfvrW8OGhJ6GIzGfsSSdH9Z-c21edg1X8y6l0ZUUb2nvClN-A7NEdmV-UEIO0sdg/s320/Lamp+party..jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and my Silly hat. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
These last couple months have been a little bit insane. I've had a couple girlfriends. I've lost 25 pounds. I've went on a couple snowboarding trips and have had a good many adventures. I really wish I could remember all of them. I'm going to try and keep up to date with the blog again. I miss it.<br />
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In the meantime I'll leave you with the story of my last girlfriend.<br />
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We met through a friend of a friend. It started out slow enough on a random drunken weekend. She was the one that actually pursued me.<br />
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She used quotes from a show that is probably the most disturbingly brain scarring thing on the planet. She turned to me and said "Easy now, fuzzy little man peach."<br />
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Its from a skit called old greg.<br />
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I'm so sorry for making those of you who watched that, watch that.<br />
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I knew that she was an awesome girl from the start. We signed up for a citywide nerf battle. I bought her nerf guns instead of flowers. It was fantastic. It didn't last.<br />
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She was trying to figure out her life and decided that I was one thing that she didn't have time for. Kinda sucked. I'll survive and move on.<br />
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I know this isn't much of a post but I've got to get back into the groove of things.<br />
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Later Days,<br />
Hero.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-50107140405747697612013-04-04T12:42:00.000-06:002013-04-04T12:42:42.408-06:00Dating and Independence. Independence. The thing I was told I needed to have as an adult. Being my own man and never really needing someone else. I've pretty much gotten there. I feel free. It's kind of nice.<br />
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The opposite of independence, as far as dating goes is codependence.<br />
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I have a friend that is remarkably codependent with his significant other. For the first year of their relationship they never left each others' side. The longest they were ever apart was the 8-12 hours he was at work. They never got sick of each other, which I find remarkable and good for him. However, he isn't the same guy he was before they started dating. Not massive changes, just subtle ones. At times I envy what he has with his girlfriend, then I snap back into my life and am really quite glad that I am as independent as I am.<br />
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Independence is great in it's own way. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. The only down side of such complete independence is that it is so goddamn lonely.<br />
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What do you do when you're lonely? You try and find someone to keep you company, you date, you have a fling, you have a one night stand, you masturbate furiously. Or you try and fill this void with pets.<br />
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Let's start with the last one. "Getting a pet." This is the usual start to the long life of being the crazy dude with 30 cats. (I have a facebook friend that just recently broke up with her boyfriend and within a month had adopted a kitten. Like clock work.) Having a pet is nice, it's no replacement for that special someone that you can unwind and then truly stave off loneliness.<br />
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"Masturbating furiously" really doesn't solve anything. It is a stop measure. The only things it really adds to your life is an embarrassing browser history and some chafing. This is not a lasting solution.<br />
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"You have a one night stand." Let's be honest here. The only time this happens is when either one or both of the participants are drunk. For me, I'm always drunk when this happens. I usually wake up with no memory of her name, or what part of town I'm in. I usually remember that the sex was sloppy, unsatisfying and altogether not really worth it. Sure they can be fun, if they weren't I wouldn't keep doing it. By noon the following day I'm usually stumbling into my apartment with a headache and an appointment for an std screening.<br />
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Next is "the fling". Flings can be just about any array of pointless coitus with someone you either know you don't have a future with or don't want one with. The perfect example of this would be what I had with the <a href="http://fallaciouscomedy.blogspot.ca/2012/04/when-it-rains-it-pours.html" target="_blank">cute little redhead</a>. Our schedules never matched up, we had nothing in common but we still managed to hang out and have some fun for a little while. There was no emotional involvement whatsoever though. Therein lies the problem. The sex, as decent as it was, never really wowed me. Mostly because we weren't emotionally invested in it. I've had enough sex in my life now to know that sex with someone you're romantically involved with is far superior to that in a fling. So even though you're getting that physical intimacy you're lacking on the emotional intimacy. Flings are great for stemming the loneliness but it never really pushes it back. In a fling you're just lonely with someone else.<br />
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Lastly the only real way to try and get rid of that loneliness is to "date". Being the independent type of individual I am, for the last seven years I've been dating "casually". I've never invested anything more than time and little bit of money into dating someone. Sure I've had some successes but looking back at the dates I've been on most of those turned into flings. I was dating someone just for the sake of dating someone. The ball was in my court though. I set the pace and even how emotionally involved we would be. I know that none of the women I've dated recently came close to what I wanted in a girlfriend. This is probably why I didn't see then what I do now.<br />
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I've been dating someone casually for a little over a month now. However, it wasn't me that set this in place. It was her. She was the one that decided she wanted to date casually. She is just as independent as me and at the time I originally thought, "This will be perfect." I was wrong. I'm used to having the reigns in the relationship and now that she has put this stipulation in place I have no idea what to do. I'm left wondering when to call, text, ask out. I mean, I like the girl and want to spend as much time with her as possible but it's her that wants to keep it casual. I don't know exactly what that means. At first I'd talk to her everyday and I'd try and make plans at least once a week. I felt like I was the only one putting in effort so recently I've stopped and figured a little bit of reciprocation would show that she is in fact a little bit interested. It hasn't gone well. The tables have been turned on me and I don't really like it.<br /><br />I'd figured that casual dating was the way to go when you don't necessarily want to lose your independence. What I hadn't counted on was realizing that independence and loneliness go hand in hand. I've realized while dating someone that is just as independent as I am, that the relationship progression has stopped, and I'm still just as lonely as I was before. True codependence still scares the crap out of me but perhaps, just maybe I'm ready to give up on some of my independence and truly try and find someone to share this wonderful life with.<br /><br />Later Days,<br />
Hero.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-78592691122947582902013-02-14T12:53:00.000-07:002013-02-14T12:53:19.810-07:00Valentines Day & a New Level of Disappointment.Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I hope it finds you happy and enjoying a squish mitten. Whether it's your squish mitten or someone's you love. Whether that is someone you'll love for now or forever. I wish you happy squishing.<br /><br />No matter what you originally thought when you saw the title I actually love Valentine's Day. I don't have a very good track record with them though.<br /><br />Last year was the end of <a href="http://fallaciouscomedy.blogspot.ca/2012/02/wtfw-valentines-day.html" target="_blank">The Russian Saga.</a> Where I actually broke up with her on Valentine's Day. The one before that I was doing snow removal and I spent it chilling outside with a shovel. Real romance right there.<br /><br />This year I've managed to drip down to a new level of disappointment though. Even if I were to miraculously find love sometime in the next 12 hours it wouldn't do me any good. I wouldn't be enjoying a squish mitten no matter what.<br /><br />I'm starting to think I'm cursed.<br />
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I have contracted Mononucleosis. The kissing disease. Was it worth it? No. I got it from sharing a water bottle with my sister. Fuck.<br /><br />So happy Valentine's Day Everyone. I'm going back to sleep. I want to go emotionally eat an entire tub of ice cream but... I'm lactose intolerant and ... you know.... I have no appetite because I have FUCKING mono.<br /><br />Later Days,<br />
Hero.<br />
<br />Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-65790777914485821042013-01-31T15:10:00.000-07:002013-01-31T15:12:38.044-07:00Lock and Key<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I akin women to being the lock of sexual interaction (not a metaphor for vagina either, I'm referring to them as a person it just happens that it matches up so well) They are intricate complex people that have certain levers, pins, and grooves that need to match up exactly in order to unlock. They are the ones that decide what key fits to unlock their sexual desire, whether consciously or subconsciously. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Men, we are the keys (not referring to penis). We can try and shape the key accordingly to fit the type of lock we want but we are still a key as shaped by life and genetics. We have bumps, grooves, pointy bits, and all the other quirks that can men can possibly have. We are sometimes more complex than the lock itself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now, the way society and evolution has set us up in how we find our sexual partners has us men, as keys, running around trying to see if our key matches up to the lock we want to open and women, as locks, mostly let men come to them and together we do a comparison to see if key and lock match up in order to have a sexual interaction.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">With the evolution of feminine empowerment, women are becoming more and more independent; more complex in wants and desires. Which I find incredibly attractive but at the same time I would be lying if I said it wasn't a bit more intimidating than the demur women of yesteryear that just wanted the husband to provide and be a good father. This isn't exactly a problem in itself, the problem is that women have started to take their own sexuality into their own hands but haven't fully grabbed the reigns and really taken control. I mean that men are still by and large the ones that are still required to initiate contact and pursue a woman. As a man that has pursued several women in my life, some to a level of success but far more that I've failed on, this seems like an exercise in futility. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've read a fair amount of articles that men just need to man up, ask out a woman and everything will be copacetic. Most of these are written by women or attractive men. Just walk up to a woman show her that you want to stick your key in her lock (hehe) and voila success. This just isn't the case for success. I am not an incredibly attractive man but I know I have value, I'm confident, and I think as a key I am pretty fucking awesome. I have no problems talking to a woman. I have no problems asking a woman out. I also have no problem dealing with rejection. Which is why I can keep doing it. There are an inordinate amount of men out there that take rejection to heart, especially when they are young, and becomes a developed behavior of fear and anxiety.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I remember how crushed I was in grade 3 when I told a girl that I liked her and wanted to hold her hand and she told me she liked my friend better. Fuck, the memory of the rejection still tingles the feels. Now imagine all the rejection a guy gets as he goes through growing up. Starting young and getting rejected over and over as he goes from primary school to junior high to high school. It doesn't take long to develop an aversion to that brutal punch to the stomach feeling you get when the girl you're crushing on rejects you. In high school the rejections weren't the nice rejections I get as an adult. They were brutal and cutting, often laced with insults, veiled or blatant. I can definitely relate to most men who suffer from anxiety when it comes to approaching an attractive woman they don't know. It is a little frightening. Eventually we don't want to keep trying our key in locks, after trying and getting rejected so many times it become disheartening and daunting.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is what doesn't make sense. I can't see inside the lock to find out if the locking mechanism will let me unlock the sexual interaction. It's only when women get a good look at the key(me) do they decide if it will unlock the fun times and it stands we have men running around trying to see if they are the key that unlocks every lock that they fancy. Picture that for a minute. Seems like a scene from a cartoon. On top of that we have men that are terrified of offering up their true key to women in fear of rejection. There's been to many locks trapped with Acme explosives.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The solutions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">There is an entire community of PUA that are trying to turn men into the skeleton key that will unlock every lock. It isn't an exact science but they are getting better and better at figuring out what women want, at least initially, to get them to take a closer look at the key to see if it will unlock the sexual interaction. There have been some master keys made that unlock a surprising amount of locks but there is still no true skeleton key taht will work on every lock. What is also happening is women are becoming aware that these master keys are being made and they are beginning to recognize them and adjust their internal mechanisms to compromise. (IE. pea-cocking was blatantly called out in the movie 17 again) Besides, it is treating a symptom of the problem but not the problem itself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I thought about it and realized everything is all backwards. When I find a key in my house, a real key that is. I don't run around and try and find the lock in unlocks. It's usually the other way. I see a lock I want to unlock and then I go looking for the key. So why isn't that happening in society?<br /><br />Women, as locks and the independent creatures they have turned into, need to grab hold of the reigns and go out looking for that key that fits. I know some women have but most haven't. By and large women still want the key to come to them. I read on reddit.com the other day, a thread that was asking how men felt about being approached by a woman. By and large there as a massive outpouring of "FUCK YEA YOU SHOULD" and why wouldn't we. It makes sense. As the lock you have a way better understanding of what kind of key will unlock the door to sexual interaction far better than I do as a key.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>This brings up the thread that I read today. "<a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/17l16n/ladies_is_getting_laid_for_you_as_easy_as/">Ladies is getting laid for you as easy as everyone assumes it is</a>?" As of writing this the top comment was, and it was the common sentiment, "The majority of people I <i>could</i> have sex with are definitely not people I would <i>want</i> to have sex with." Which I think is complete and utter bullshit. Either that or her standards are way to high. As a woman if you actively went out and talked to every guy that you found attractive, I'm willing to bet that one of them would be worthy or taking home, if that is what you wanted, or taking out on a date, but you don't do that. You stand around in the little circles of friends (which is even more frightening to approach as a man) and wait for the key to come to you. I get that approaching a guy is scary, that fear of rejection, it sucks, but it is the same fear that is keeping that guy from approaching you. (Unlike men though, the odds are in your favor.) Perhaps we should be meeting in the middle.<br />
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I'm not saying that all the responsibility is on women to find the key that fits. I think it is both the lock and key's responsibility to find each other. I'm just sick of reading about how men aren't what they used to be and of course we aren't, women aren't either. The social dynamic has changed but the dating dynamic is trying to stay the same and it isn't working.<br />
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End Rant.<br />
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Later Days,<br />
Hero.<br />
<br />Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-37358553173197688802013-01-04T00:00:00.000-07:002013-01-04T00:00:09.037-07:00For Fuck's Sake Friday: Free Online Dating SitesFuck it, I'm done.<br /><br />I can't do it anymore. I'm actually going to delete my POF.com profile. Yup, completely gone.<br /><br />I've had the profile since some time in 2007, it is officially the longest relationship I've ever had. Other than Hotmail of course but I mean she doesn't count I only visit her once in a while and never really look after her. She is my neglected mistress. <br /><br />As far as POF is concerned, I've had many iterations of my profile, a varied array of pictures, some remarkably flattering, some silly and I've pretty much run the gambit of the site. I've had some success in meeting women but nothing of substance. Also, when I did actually meet a woman it was never me who initiated contact.<br /><br />Now I understand the concept that I'd actually have to send out messages in order to receive responses and I'll admit that for the vast majority of time my profile has been on that site I never did. This was for a couple reasons.<br /><br />The main reason was, I had nothing to actually put in a message. The profiles on that site are about as interesting as instant Ichiban soup when you lose the flavor packet. If there was nothing interesting in the profile what the fuck am I supposed to send? Especially when at the end of the profile it says <i>"I don't respond to generic messages like hi or hey, how's it going."</i><br />
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Fine, I'll send you a message that reads "I'm super glad that I <b>finally</b> found a girl that says '<i>Friends and family are important.</i>' You're just what I'm looking for." You know I might actually send some of those out just for fun before I delete my profile. Could make for some interesting responses.<br /><br />Another reason, is the blatant 'I'm here for attention' profile. Ooooh look cleavage, I know, I'll message her and I just know that she'll respond. I know that the massive amounts of horny guys on the internet will never message her and we will meet and fall head over heals in love. Oooh look a blatant mirror ass shot.... you get the idea. I can't imagine the shear volume of messages these women must get. I bet they don't even read any of them.<br /><br />Those are the main reasons for never sending messages. The other reasons are the usual things like attraction and common interests. Without those I didn't message either.<br /><br />Lastly, the number one reason I'm leaving is that I actually tried. I spent a decent amount of time sorting through the the boring, obese, illiterate, and attention seeking <strike>whores</strike> women to see if I could actually find a couple worth messaging and I did. I found a whole bunch but it took a fuck load of time. I mean I messaged probably 50 women on that site in the last month and a half and probably spent close to 50 hours to find them. This wouldn't bother me, in fact if it had worked and I got one date out of it I'd consider the effort worth while. You know how many responses I got? Three. Mother fucking, Three.<br /><br />One of those was an outright rejection, the other two fizzled within three messages. Out of those two I stopped responding to one because I think she might have been a lamp disguised as an intelligent woman. The other one just stopped mid conversation, no reason. Just poof.<br /><br />So I'm done. For Fuck's Sake I'm done.<br /><br />So what next then? Go back to the old fashioned way of meeting women? Chasing them in the park. I mean, it worked when I was 12.<br />
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I've tried Eharmony before. That was a crock of shit. When I specified physical fitness as 'high' on my important things list I got large women that liked to walk. I'm 99% sure that the "We match you on personality" claim is bull shit too. I got matched up with an ex whom I had broken up with because I despised her personality. So Eharmony is out. <br /><br />I took a gander at singleswarehouse to see if there were any women on there in my area. There were 17. Not a big enough pool to draw from so that is out.<br />
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Then there is howaboutwe.com. It could be a possibility. We'll see.<br /><br />My sister has had some good luck on Match.com. Maybe I'll try that one. <br /><br />Anyone have any good suggestions for online dating sites?<br /><br />Later Days,<br />Hero.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-21630076234747765552013-01-02T15:38:00.001-07:002013-01-02T15:45:35.945-07:00I got called a Slut.It was by my sister and I deserved it.<br />
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I had a whole bunch of sex in a matter of days. It was awesome. It was drunken debauched with multiple women and fun. I have no regrets. It was a the best way to finish off the great year of 2012.<br />
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This past year has been a relatively calm one in my life. It was a lot of fun. There was a lot of self growth. Reading back over my last year has seen some serious emotional stability come into my life.<br />
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There were many women, Vino, The Russian, Fybro/Red, cute little redhead, Chase, The vet, and Curls. Some of these lasted a while, and some were brief little flashes in the pan. I learned a lot though. I learned what type of woman I'm looking for, as well as what type of man I actually am. Which means this year may actually have even more success in this department.<br />
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Reading back on these last couple months, the ones where I never posted, I see that I've changed my paradigms a fair bit. It's possible I've been out living life, or that I haven't been. Depending on perspective. There haven't been any insane adventures, I mean there have been adventures but nothing that would get me arrested like years prior. I've just been keeping busy doing what I love. I know it isn't very exciting, but hitting the gym, climbing, and snowboarding has made time fly by and I'm in a better emotional place than I think I ever have been before, as well as on my way to meeting last years new years resolution.<br />
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So what does all this mean?<br />
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New years resolutions like I've done in the past? No. They never work anyway and I always forget about them after a month.<br />
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I'm sure this year will bring many many more adventures my way. I'll drag you along for as much of it as I can. First up, recovery for my liver which is still having a very, very hard time getting back to normal after the holidays.<br />
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After that, we shall have to wait and find out. I do have some stuff planned.<br />
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Later Days,<br />
HeroNot the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-38961547928542470462012-12-18T13:19:00.002-07:002012-12-18T13:19:40.583-07:00The End of Chase. Oh hey there sexy people.<br /><br />I have been away for a bit. I'm not even sorry. It's that time of year where everything is crazy super busy yet nothing really happens.<br /><br />I've been snowboarding pretty much every weekend except the weekend of my company Christmas party. That weekend was pretty much a write off.<br /><br />If you remember I had invited Chase to my company Christmas party. I had assumed at that point we were still "dating". However if you follow me on twitter you'd know that she put me in the friend-zone about 4 days before the party. This wasn't all that surprising considering the complete lack of intimacy that was going on between us. She felt the need to put that out there before the party though. Nice. I'd only told people at work that my plus one, was a girl I was dating. I told her to fuck off... just kidding. I, of course, still brought her to the Christmas party. We had a good time. She got really, really drunk. However, she wasn't the worst one by far. The chick that passed out in her own puke in the bathroom was probably the worst. Wait, it might have been the girl that puked the whole 45 minute limo ride home. Either way, Chase just got to the point she needed to pass out. Everyone from work really liked her. There was one awkward moment when someone was trying to convince me to ask Chase to be my Girlfriend. I just had to laugh and shake my head. "It isn't going to happen."<br /><br />The night ended relatively simply, limo dropped Chase off at her place and me at mine. There was a bit of a problem the next day with a missing purse and picking up car from other side of town but that was to be expected. <br /><br />This next part probably isn't going to earn me any new fans, but at least I'm honest. <br /><br />I will, in all likelihood, never see Chase ever again. <br /><br />Why?<br /><br />Well, I don't have time for more friends. To be honest I rarely see the friends I already have. I'm OK with this. I'm busy, they are busy, but because we are friends we know this. We understand this, and we stay friends and see each other when we can.<br /><br />Chase and I don't have mutual friends, don't have the same hobbies, and no real reason to hang out with each other except to enjoy each others company. I like her, but she isn't what I'm looking for (ie. a relationship). I'm not going to burn any bridges, no matter how pretty the flames would be. I'm just not going to put any effort into it. Let the bridge rot and decay over time and eventually get swept up in the river of time.<br /><br />I guess it is completely back to the drawing board on the dating aspect, a clean slate if you will. January is a new month, a new year and may involve a new tactic or two for finding love.<br /><br />It hasn't all been bad news. I'm making progress on the fitness front. I haven't lost any more weight since the last post, but I haven't put the weight back on. Which is awesome considering the time of year it is. I've instead managed to put on a bit of muscle and slim down at the same time. January I'll be kicking it into overdrive to co-inside with the relaunch of dating.<br /><br />I'm thinking of posting progress pictures on here if people are interested. I know I'm fascinated by the changes people make. Let me know, some how or another whether you think this would be neat or if I'm just vain and think people care. I'll let you decide how to tell me.<br /><br />As for this blog, through thorough analysis I've come to learn that my most viewed post is <a href="http://fallaciouscomedy.blogspot.ca/2012/06/what-fuck-wednesday-dating-profile.html" target="_blank">The one about Online Dating Profiles</a>. Which I didn't really write as a How To. It was more a frustrated rant about one aspect on online dating but it seems to be getting loads and loads of traffic. The last two months have been my highest traffic months ever, and I haven't even posted anything. I may need to start brainstorming more rant style dating posts. Stay tuned.<br /><br />I'll eventually figure out what I'm doing with this blog and with it my life but in the mean time. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanza, and a good Festivus for the Restofus.<br />
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Later Days,<br />Hero.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-37083935721412329012012-12-03T13:01:00.001-07:002012-12-03T13:01:56.573-07:00Shape Up: I've Lost Ten Pounds.There once was a man who decided that he needed to change things. Those that have been reading my blog for a while know that I have dominantly been focused on just a few things; dating, sex, booze, and adventure. <div>
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Since my last post the dating thing has pretty much stagnated. Partly on purpose, slash, lack of time. I've been seeing Chase still. We haven't even kissed yet so I have no idea what the fuck is going on and for once I'm not analyzing it. If we end up just being friends, cool. If more, awesome. If it fizzles and dies, I'm going to be OK as well. She has been more attentive and wanting to hang out more and more which I think is a good sign. She is coming as my date to the company Christmas party so there is that.<br /><br />Back to the point about me not having time. It is true. I've become a gym rat. I work out a fair amount. I started a weight lifting program and it had been working wonders. Then I paired it with calorie counting and diet management. I'm proud to say that I've lost ten pounds. I feel fantastic. If you're like me or me before, I always had a hard time sticking to a program or diet because it was so hard to keep track of everything. Then I realized that this smart phone I had in my pocket could be used for a greater good. I found a couple of apps that have changed the way I function. </div>
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Firstly there is my weight training app. www.jefit.com It has revolutionized how I go to the gym. If anyone is trying to get into shape by lifting weights check out this app. As far as diet goes I use Myfitnesspal.com and I've learned a lot about what I've been eating and where my calories have been coming from and going. The combination of these two apps have changed my life and because I've lost ten pounds the fairer sex has started to notice too. I must stay focused though and not get complacent. I want to become a sexual object to women. For once in my life I want them to objectify me.</div>
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I've also been spending my weekends on the ski hill. I have been enjoying it immensely. My first trip up to the hill was eventful to say the least.<br /><br />I got drunk. <br /><br />Then I got more drunk. Went to a party, had a riot. Left party, went to a pub where I sat next to this cute girl. She was there all by herself so we got to chatting. we ended up making out by the creek for a while and enjoying the picturesque surroundings in the Canadian Rockies. It really was quite romantic. She then took me back to where she was staying and we had mad passionate monkey sex in the shower and just about everywhere else. I woke up in the morning, went back to where I was staying and passed the fuck back out. Needless to say I didn't get any riding in on the second day. It took me almost 7 hours to recover to the point I could drive back to the city. Good times. <br /><br />I've been out a couple more times since and so far my seasons pass has been a wise investment. <br /><br />I'm sure I'll have some more adventures to write about and I'll keep you posted on the Shape Up too. </div>
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Later Days,<br />Hero.</div>
Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-37526008575804847392012-11-14T12:55:00.000-07:002012-11-14T12:55:27.508-07:00Growth: Been thinking.I think it is time for another personal growth update.<br />
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As most of you know I've been dating a whole bunch as of late. The main point of this was to find someone that I may be able to form a long lasting loving relationship. The other point of dating was to work out some of my issues avoiding emotional attachments.<br /><br />I'm CURED.<br />
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No I'm not. I'm really, really not. I have, however come to terms with the fact that I am the way I am. Sure I'm aware of issues that I have and can work on them when they become a problem. When being the operative word here. Let me explain.<br /><br />While dating, I've met a couple different types of women which is fantastic. Firstly I'll start with Chase. Chase is emotionally distant even compared with me. Surprisingly though, this seems OK with me. Sure it was different for me at first to adjust to the fact that she isn't progressing as fast as I was used to with other women I've dated but now that I've come to terms with being on her schedule I don't mind at all. I get it now, her style of dating is more suited to me anyway. It would be absolutely perfect if we were a little more physically intimate but meh it isn't that important of a detail at the moment.<br />
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Secondly while dating Curls, who is a lovely girl, I purposely turned off my avoidance techniques to see how it would go. It went well, whenever my brain or instincts were telling me that I needed to run I would power through and ignore them. This resulted in her spending the night (no naked time) on our second date. While it was happening I was all for it, most of it. However, now that it has been a couple of days and I've let it stew in my brainspace, I know that she is the wrong type of girl for me. She is the polar opposite of Chase. She is attentive, texts often, and wants to spend a bunch load of time together. She is a huge fan of PDA which I'm really really not. Don't get me wrong I'm no PDA prude; holding hands, hugging, even the odd kiss is OK. With Curls though it was every 15 minutes she wanted to have a make-out session. I'd tell her no, or I'd give her a short kiss. She would pout playfully, till she got her way. It made me uncomfortable.<br /><br />She even wanted to sit on the same side of the booth when it was just the two of us. I ... No... I don't think I'm physically able to do that.<br />
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So what have I learned from all of this. That my avoidance techniques that I've built are somewhat there to help me with comfort and screening out women that are more conducive to what I want in life.<br />
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The next thing that I came to realize over the last little while. I seem to be attracting women I'm not attracted to. Part of this is because I've been a little out of shape for ... let's just go with, awhile. How can I expect to attract the fit active women, when I look like a doughy boy? I can't, it is unrealistic of me to think so. <br /><br />So I'm actually going to take the advice of many people and just let things happen on the dating front. I'm not going to push it or try and force something into place. I'm not going to over analyze myself and everything else going on. Who am I kidding, of course I am, but I'm not going to let it distract me from being me. Even more importantly I'm not going to let it distract me from being the better me.<br />
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So as far as dating goes it is probably going to slow down. I don't know what I'll write about, perhaps adventures. I could turn it into my workout/diet blog. I don't know I'm sure I'll think of somethings to write about. My life is far from boring most of the time so stay tuned.<br />
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Later Days,<br />
HeroNot the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-12741184604479170032012-11-12T13:33:00.001-07:002012-11-12T13:33:10.630-07:00My weekend Monday: Last hurrah. I had a decently phenomenal weekend.<br /><br />Friday I had my birthday party and the saying "It's my birthday I can cry if I want to." was partly true. I had a decent amount of people that were supposed to show up. They RSVP'd and everything. They didn't show. I was drunk and a little distraught at this. When I say drunk, I mean, loser pissed. My friends did a fantastic job of feeding me enough booze. I ended up having a great time but I did throw a bit of a tantrum. Which I of course had to apologize for the next day.<br />
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Chase ended up coming and actually stayed for the whole evening. I was pleasantly surprised by this. She even texted me to tell her when I got home and that I made it home safe. I was already home and asleep by then but I appreciate the sentiment. The only downside was that the whole evening is a little fuzzy, so I have no idea how mine and Chase's relationship has progressed or knowing me when I'm drunk, regressed. I will figure that out later.<br /><br />Saturday was a write off. The good/bad thing about it was the Vet cancelled our date. I ended up staying home in my PJ's all day and nursing about 30 water bottles. Went to bed super early and was glad for it. This was the second date that the Vet has cancelled on me so I'm beginning to think that it just isn't going to happen. C'est la vie.<br />
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Sunday, I woke up and got ready to go out with Curls. She is most definitely interested in me. The day was good. We spend the whole day together. We started with lunch where we sampled different kinds of beer and had pizza. After which we went to the football game and drank more beer. The game was good and we had a lot of fun. We shared our first kiss when the local team won the game. So much fun we didn't want the date to end. So we went out to a pub for some snacks and more beer and a lot more kisses. <br /><br />Which made me uncomfortable, but I communicated it maturely. "I'm not a huge fan of PDA." Was received with a pout, then ignored as she kept asking for kisses. "sigh"<br /><br />By the time we made it back to my place, where she parked her car, she was in no shape to drive home. I told her she could stay in my bed or on the couch. She opted for my bed. We cuddled, kissed and teased. In the end though, I rolled over and went to sleep. I did have to be up early this morning. She woke me up at 2 am to let me know she was hung over as fuck. I got her some water went back to sleep. This morning wasn't awkward at all, other then she was a little hung over and felt gross. Which is understandable.<br /><br />Now onto the bad news. I'm going to go sober till spring. Not dry, but sober. I'm going to be focusing on snowboarding for the winter months and drinking is going to take away from that. Dating might as well, so we'll see how it goes dating women that don't snowboard. It is a huge sticking point for me, and not something I'm going to change.<br />
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Later Days,<br />
Hero.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-10535804736819558182012-11-09T13:23:00.002-07:002012-11-09T13:23:50.275-07:00Holy Crap. Dating Machine!Do I ever have a bit of things to talk about. I'll have even more after the weekend, which is why I think I should do this before it happens.<br /><br />Let's start with Chase. The date we had on Monday was a bit more involved than the others before. As in we actually got out of the chairs for more than bathroom breaks. We played a bit of pool. That wasn't what made the date more interesting. No, instead I took a bolder step. Tonight I'm having my birthday party get together thing. I invited her. The conversation that followed was weird.<br /><br />Chase: "I'll come, but what will you introduce me as?"<br /><br />Me: "Whoa, putting me on the spot aren't you, I'll introduce you as Chase."<br />
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Chase: "but what if someone asks? Like I don't know if you ... I mean, what are we?"<br />
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Me: "We are dating."<br />
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Chase: "Well..."<br />
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Me: "Fine what would you want me to introduce you as?"<br />
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Chase: "I think we are friends that get together for drinks and dinner sometimes."<br />
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Me: "Well, I'd like to think we aren't in a relationship if that is what you're worried about, but I haven't written that off as a possibility. We are still getting to know each other, so dating; where we figure out if we are emotionally, romantically, or physically interested in each other."<br />
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Chase: "Well yea, I just don't like the term 'dating' I think it implies a certain ... I don't know."<br />
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Me: "So what are we? Seeing each other? Hanging out?, Dating?"<br />
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Chase: "I don't know..."<br />
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Me: "I'll just introduce you as Chase and if anyone asks what we are I'll say 'I don't know'. I have to go to the bathroom."<br />
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While in the bathroom it occurred to me that she may have been trying to "friendzone" me.<br />
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Me: "When you said you wanted me to introduce you as my friend were you trying to hint at that is all you want, friendship?"<br />
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Chase: "I... uhhh."<br />
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Me: "My turn to put you on the spot."<br />
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Chase: "No, that wasn't what I was hinting at, I just don't know. I didn't want things to be awkward."<br />
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So, the Chase saga continues and I still have no idea what the fuck she wants, whether it is friendship, mad passionate monkey sex or something in between. She did agree to come to my birthday. We'll see if she shows up.<br />
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Next, I went on a date with a new girl, lets call her Curls. We started chatting on Tuesday, I think, and we went out last night. It was a lot of fun, started out just as a basic coffee date and turned into dinner and drinks. We joked around, and I had another typical first date, where there was loads of conversation and laughs.<br />
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What made this kinda cool was that she was very forward with actually perusing a romantic relationship. After the date was over I get a text message from her regarding my profile. Where I hint at bonus points if they can guess the character that said my favorite quote. I'm pretty sure she cheated and Googled it but she demanded the points anyway. She asked what she could cash them in for. I told her a football ticket for Sunday. She said only if it came with a date and a kiss. Aww, how could I say no? So I now have another date with her on Sunday and I know I'm at least getting a kiss. Woot!<br />
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The Vet, contacted me a bit throughout the week and we have set up a date for tomorrow afternoon. It's the time of year that the Taboo sex show is in town. I went to it last year with the Doctor. It was a fantastic time and figure it would be a good way to transition to the more physical side of things. I suck at reading those cues and figure if the subject matter is right in front of me I might not miss them. Should be a good time.<br />
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However tonight, I think is going to be a telling point as to whether Chase and I are worth continuing on past this point or if we are going to be stuck in the platonic dating netherworld also known as the friendzone.<br />
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The Friendzone: It's like the twilight zone, but without the cool theme music or imaginative story lines. It features the "Dashboard confessional" as a soundtrack and it's only rated PG.<br />
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I'll be sure to tell you about my weekend. I may even live tweet parts of it. Follow me on twitter damn it.<br />
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Later Days,<br />
Hero.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-15453270847853655612012-11-05T12:51:00.000-07:002012-11-05T12:51:44.388-07:00Post Date Blinks: Vet.As those of you that follow me on Twitter know I had a first date Saturday night. It went splendidly well.<br /><br />First off I'll tell you a bit about her. She contacted me through POF. I have recently updated my profile and it seems to be working a bit better. I took out most of my about me and replaced it with a whole bunch of nothing really. I don't get it but it seems to be working. I've been contacted way more since I changed it. It reads like this: (the old one is <a href="http://fallaciouscomedy.blogspot.ca/2011/09/interlude-thursday-first-new-draft.html" target="_blank">here</a>)<br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'd like to think I'm a well rounded individual with normal aspirations, then I talk to other people and the goal of riding an armored unicorn into combat, wielding excalibur isn't as common as I thought. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">In actuality I'm a pretty normal guy just looking for love. If I find it awesome, if not I'll survive. I'd really like someone I can go snowboarding with this winter. I'm planning on riding a lot. Even if there is no romantic interest I'm always looking for people to go to the hill with.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Other than snowboarding, I like a good beer with good company.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Favorite quote: "In a universe so full of wonder and amazing things, humans have managed to invent boredom." Terry Pratchett. If you can name the character that said it you get bonus points.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If you're interested in getting to know me a little more feel free to send me a message.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">So far the ladies seem to love the unicorn part. Apparently completely showing my random nature is better than full disclosure. Who knew? </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">Anyway she contacted me, we had a couple messages back and forth of witty banter and getting to know each other a bit and I took the leap and asked her out, within hours of first contact. We met, and I was a little </span>disappointed<span style="font-family: inherit;"> that her pictures didn't give the full nature of her voluptuous stature. I love a woman with curves though and as the night wore on I found that my first reaction was true. She is cute, super cute. <br /><br />We had great conversation and found that we have some things in common. Not a whole lot though because for the last seven years of her life she has been focusing on school. Fair enough, I just hope that when she is done, ie next spring, that she may develop some more hobbies and the such that are in line with my own. Hard to say after just one date. She was intellectually stimulating as her education is completely different than mine so we ended up being able to chat for hours. Eventually though it was getting late so we finished up the date, I walked her to the car, we hugged and I asked her if I could see her again this week. We agreed on a movie night. She just needed to check her schedule to make sure it would work.<br /><br />When I got home I had a text from her saying she had a great evening. Overall: I'd do it again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One thing though, I'm learning that my skills as a conversationalist may be skewing my sense of how successful the date is. I mean I can talk for hours to just about anyone. I may be over gratifying how successful the dates are based on something that I would succeed at regardless with whom I'm on the date with. I guess only time will tell. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My question to the lady readers I have: "How successful would you rate a date where he makes you laugh, and time flies because of good conversation? Is there other key factors I'm not taking into account? (ie </span>physical<span style="font-family: inherit;"> contact, as I'm not good at reading non-verbal cues.) </span><br />
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Lastly an update on Chase. I have a date with her tonight. I have a feeling it isn't going to go anywhere; not on my account but on hers. Hopefully there is a bit more development here and that we don't just end up platonically dating. I have no idea how to progress the dating to be more intimate when I know she is adverse to mushy shit.<br />
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As always I appreciate the comments, they're my crystal meth. If you want to have a conversation feel free to tweet at me or send me a message on my facebook page. I will definitely respond.<br />
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Later Days,<br />
Hero<br />
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Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-21314237183948046742012-11-01T20:01:00.002-06:002012-11-01T20:01:49.125-06:00Go with the FlowWhen you go with the flow, you end up in a sanitary sewer... I think that's how that saying goes.<br />
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The thing with Chase is over. I haven't heard from her in a week. Mind you, I haven't sent her anything since Sunday but I would think 3 texts over 3 days from me is enough. She's done. I'm not that surprised or even disappointed I learned a few things about myself and dating her. It didn't really sink into my brainskull area till I was talking to a friend about her relationship.<br />
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I went into dating Chase knowing we didn't really have anything in common other than we were people, liked beer and food, and presumably sex. Never got that far. After the first date, and reading the book I figured out that she was even more avoidant than I am. So what exactly did I learn? </div>
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Firstly, the go with the flow part up top is true. If you go with the flow you end up where you end up. In life, and dating, especially dating, you need to have a rudder. I think people get so excited that they are going on a date with someone that they find attractive that common interests go out the window. This got me to thinking, I'm dating to find someone that I can form a long lasting relationship with right. I mean I enjoy dating for the sake of dating as long as the conversation is good but that isn't my end goal. I want someone to spend the rest of my life with. Marriage? Meh, maybe if she wants it. So what do I want in a long lasting relationship? I know I posted something like this before so Let's revisit it. The full thing is <a href="http://fallaciouscomedy.blogspot.ca/2011/09/what-fuck-wednesday-what-fuck-do-i-want.html" target="_blank">here</a>.</div>
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the juicy stuff is this.</div>
<i><br />What I want from a woman.</i><br />
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<li><i>intelligence, I think this is by far the most important thing. </i></li>
<li><i>knowledge, this is something that came up on the date. I don't want to have to explain everything. In fact I'd like to learn from her. </i></li>
<li><i>to be attracted to her. This is pretty self explanatory. </i></li>
<li><i>her to be passionate, about anything. </i></li>
<li><i>her to have life goals, generally just progressing through life</i></li>
<li><i>a sense of humor</i></li>
<li><i>love</i></li>
<li><i>trust</i></li>
<li><i>respect</i></li>
<li><i>all the usual stuff that comes from a healthy relationship</i></li>
<li><i>her to not want children</i></li>
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I want to go over this list again. Firstly "<i>intelligence</i>" I think this doesn't apply nearly as much as it used to. I simply require someone with curiosity and ability to hold a conversation.</div>
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"<i>Knowledge" </i>seems like even less of a requirement than intelligence. I like talking and explaining things, I just don't want to have to explain things multiple times.</div>
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"<i>Attractive" </i>yup still vitally important. One thing I've learned since publishing this first post is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My standards are not necessarily high or low, they sure are unique though. </div>
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"<i>Passion"</i> After dating for the past year and a bit this holds truer than before. Holly mother of god there are some boring people out there, with no drive determination or passion about anything. I find it a little bit unattractive. This isn't necessarily a deal breaker though as long as she is capable of passion. </div>
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"<i>Goals"</i> This one is also important but not nearly as much as before. The longer I spend in adulthood the more I realize people have no fucking clue what they are doing. Myself included. If you were to ask me what my 5 year plan is, it's be vague and filled with rough guesstimates. </div>
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"<i>Humor</i>" No shit. Must be able to laugh at just about anything because I say some pretty offensive shit at times. </div>
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"<i>Love, trust, respect,</i>" Pretty much one and the same and all reliant on each other. Pretty self explanatory as well. If it isn't, we have bigger issues. </div>
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"<i>Childless and no plans on pushing one out."</i> Yup still there. I went to a grocery store on a Sunday afternoon and that was enough to remind me that No I really don't want children.</div>
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Looking back I wasn't too far off. I was lacking though. Something that other people have said isn't that big of an issue. Common interests. Every single girl I've dated in the last year has had a grand total of zero of my major interests in common. I know it isn't mandatory but it definitely makes it easier. I'd even be willing to have a secondary thing in common, like video games. I think this goes back to the passion thing. Most of the women I've dated never had an interest in much of anything, The Doctor did but that is now coming up on a full year ago. The rest had nothing that they could identify as a hobby. It is becoming more and more apparent as I try and communicate with women from dating sites. There is a fuckload of boring people out there. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The next thing I want to throw out there as a thing to take into consideration is life goals. Do you want to live in a city, on an acreage, in a condo, or a house, own a dog, or a cat, and so on. So here is my life goals. These things tend do be fluid and change as you progress through life.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't want a house, I'm more than fine with minimalist living in a condo. I'd much rather less clutter than owning stuff. This doesn't stop you from owning toys like quads, a boat, and the like, it just means you have to store it. Shucks.<br />
<br />
I'm more of a dog person than a cat. I don't hate cats but if I had a condo and only one pet was allowed it would be a dog.<br />
<br />
I plan on living in the city, I have zero desire to move outside to the suburbs or to any of the neighbouring towns.<br />
<br />
I enjoy beer, wine, liquor, fine food and the rest of the culinary delights.<br />
<br />
I one day plan on having both season tickets to the Calgary Flames, and the Calgary philharmonic orchestra.<br />
<br />
I want to travel, but I want to be able to afford it as well as the rest of the things I want in life. It isn't all that high on my priorities which seems odd to almost everyone I talk to.<br />
<br />
I mean how fucking hard should it be to find someone that matches some of these traits and needs. Lately all I've been finding and dating are polar opposites of this.<br />
<br />
I know the type of women I want exist, I read their blogs all the time. I haven't given up hope but I am getting pretty flabbergasted.<br />
<br />
Later Days,<br />
Hero</div>
Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-14908333068925632422012-10-24T15:10:00.000-06:002012-10-24T15:10:07.961-06:00What the Fuck Wednesday: ChaseYesterday I was involved in a nice little twitter chat with <a href="http://www.singleswarehouse.net/">http://www.singleswarehouse.net/</a> and a couple other bloggers about communication. Which brought to light how much I've been rationalizing Chase's communication or lack thereof.<br />
<br />
I'll try and have a conversation with her via text and that just doesn't happen. Most times it takes several hours and sometimes it takes her days to respond. At first I was perfectly fine with this; it went well with my avoidant behavior. It's been almost a month now though and we've been on three whole dates. I'm fine with moving slow but this is ridiculous. What the fuck is the point?<br />
<br />
During the chat yesterday I was told that we may just be on different pages. Which is fair, we may be. I was also told that I should talk to her about it. Now I'd love to but I have a feeling that doing so over text isn't exactly kosher. This involves setting up a date, which is like pulling teeth. Not because we don't have time for each other, that's never been a problem. She just doesn't respond to messages in time to set things in motion so a lot of the time my week fills up with friends and other activities by the time I'm able to find out when she is available. Most of the time I've been able to either squeeze her in or shuffle stuff so that we can have some time. This is just getting more and more frustrating, to the point now that I'm not sure I care.<br />
<br />
One point of the chat struck me like a high five to the face. I don't know if it was a demographic thing, or even a generation thing but phoning people seems to be very important. I never phone anyone. I mean like EVER. I just don't like it, never have. I don't even phone my mother and she gets mad because of it. When I'm sick, I email into work to let them know I'm not coming. I literally never phone anyone. I don't really answer my phone either. Not out of discomfort on that one, I just never seem to hear it. During the chat though it seemed to be this huge deal that the guy actually phones girl. Who knew. I guess I may have to give it a try.<br /><br />This newly required skill, I don't think is going to be used with Chase. I just don't see it happening. It may be my avoidant nature or it could be that it just isn't working. Either way I'm sick of chasing and not getting anywhere. Like I said what the fuck is the point? I'm getting nowhere but frustrated.<br />
<br />
Later Days,<br />
HeroNot the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-25336863716460191442012-10-19T14:10:00.002-06:002012-10-19T14:10:57.501-06:00For Fucks Sake: Clarification. I should clarify something. Token pointed out that I should stop reading dating columns. Honestly I read them because they are funny. I'll read anything. Today I read all about the ingredients on the hand soap in my office bathroom. I also read about a penguin that happened to be knighted and is a member of the norwegian royal guard. He is called<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nils_Olav" target="_blank"> Colonel-in-Chief Sir Nils Olav</a>. Hilarious.<br /><br />I was also told that I'm trying too hard to find love. Honestly if I didn't try it just wouldn't happen. I wouldn't notice when a girl is hitting on me. I wouldn't ask anyone out. Nothing. I'd eventually get a cat... or thirty. I think it is different for men and women. Women are told the best way to find love is to not try. This doesn't work for men with the double standard that the man has to be the one that asks out the woman. I could be as sexy as all hell and hang out in all the grocery stores and never get a date. Unless it's with the security guard. So yes, I have to try and no it isn't all I do. I do have a job, and hobbies. They just don't make all that interesting blog material.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtfaSDOd-TbHI96fXau1Jb5mm433MS4R55mJZhZ-sbQSetvE7rvmsz6ix4eCOX2fORD2ZF8ZNAaLviKZfRlHkVPs37lJMADXC-uS9CY0kJiQHWc6APqcgQrj04hc-QRDZLDIO3PPrZOtF/s1600/work.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjtfaSDOd-TbHI96fXau1Jb5mm433MS4R55mJZhZ-sbQSetvE7rvmsz6ix4eCOX2fORD2ZF8ZNAaLviKZfRlHkVPs37lJMADXC-uS9CY0kJiQHWc6APqcgQrj04hc-QRDZLDIO3PPrZOtF/s320/work.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is work, unless you're interested in how you get your gas, this is pretty boring.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As for my situation with Chase, I post about my doubts and insecurities. It helps me sort out my thoughts and stops me from over thinking everything all the fucking time. I know we are only at the get to know you phase and everything is going according to plan. Slightly slower than I'd like but we're both grown ups and have a busy schedule so a date a week seems to be all we have time for. It also keeps things slow and allows us to get used to the idea of each other. We are having a lot of fun and I'm not all that worried about it. If I didn't post anything though my blog would be even more of a ghost town than it has become. Seriously, where'd all my readers go?<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFWP3JebEWIsb50JR3I-NbOUjdJXAqojSUX3xGWC4XtRWHpit2nas_CtwEmC3RHZp7FEFMsrRVaxarvE5Iln-7uas13vhlUERtr_FfGYRKV5kird-8I6RuEv2UiE99tkxb7JMhHPStJ0U2/s1600/women.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFWP3JebEWIsb50JR3I-NbOUjdJXAqojSUX3xGWC4XtRWHpit2nas_CtwEmC3RHZp7FEFMsrRVaxarvE5Iln-7uas13vhlUERtr_FfGYRKV5kird-8I6RuEv2UiE99tkxb7JMhHPStJ0U2/s320/women.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is relevant to the intro of my last post. I loved it. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Anyway, all is well. Happy Friday everyone.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Later Days,</div>
<div>
Hero.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
PS. I started writing another book. Silly I know because the first one isn't done but meh, it's fun. </div>
<div>
Here's the link. <a href="http://classoneorder.blogspot.ca/2012/10/chapter-1.html" target="_blank">Class One Order</a><br /><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-51949271500612115392012-10-18T12:42:00.002-06:002012-10-18T12:42:37.782-06:00Post Date Blinks: Women are confusing.I'm beginning to realize I really do not understand women nearly as well as I thought I did. I didn't think I understood them that well to begin with so you can understand how distraught this makes me.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNIp28-ht51cBlEMBprVnvPONslNinwCJLLteoPwS179PnyPxVd0XAIA-ERe-q5v8dfkzJJzZV2LdhwOtNlPDaNz_SN7-In1Fnd1VTD7IvJUyowD1WPYQVv5lDkHxI3Vj8DbmLite0pUA/s400/No+Understanding+Women.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNIp28-ht51cBlEMBprVnvPONslNinwCJLLteoPwS179PnyPxVd0XAIA-ERe-q5v8dfkzJJzZV2LdhwOtNlPDaNz_SN7-In1Fnd1VTD7IvJUyowD1WPYQVv5lDkHxI3Vj8DbmLite0pUA/s320/No+Understanding+Women.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I totally understand buddy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
My confusion about Chase has been slowly building since the beginning, but it reached a new level yesterday. We were trying to figure out the next date. Going back and forth about day and time and then finally we arrived at a consensus. I'm not confused yet. Now the "what do you want to do?" part of deciding came. I had been trying to figure out things we could do together that wouldn't be too expensive because I went slightly over budget on the weekend. I figured I could amp up the intimacy a bit at the same time. I thought I was being super clever. I suggested a evening stroll through a park sipping on some hot chocolate and Bailey's.<br />
<br />
I got a response I wasn't expecting. "That sounds too mushy... sorry."<br />
<br />
I actually laughed.<br />
<br />
We ended up just going out for a pint because our schedules didn't match up as much as we thought they would. The date was good, plenty of laughs, more good conversation and again it felt like I could talk to her for hours more but we had to end it because I had a birthday party to go to again.<br />
<br />
One of the things that came up, when I asked her what she meant by too mushy, that confused the fuck right out of me was that her favorite movie is "The Notebook". That's right the Nicolas Sparks novel turned into arguably the most romantic, mushy, emotional, movie ever made. So I told her that. Her rebuttal, "No, it's not. It's cute."<br />
<br />
So apparently there is a fine line between mushy and cute. It's apparently up to me to figure out where this line is and not to cross it.<br />
<br />
She agreed to actually go on a walk and drink hot chocolate with me because I assured her I'm not the mushy type, she said she figured when I laughed about the mushy comment.<br />
<br />
God damn it every single dating advice column I've ever read has said, "Woo her with compliments and confidence.", which I'm not sure if she is ok with or not. She never really acknowledges my compliments. "Women no matter what they say love receiving flowers." This I have no idea if that would fall onto the cute side or the mushy side. The list of mushy shit goes on and on. Honestly, so many mixed signals from things that are supposed to help out with this sort of thing.<br />
<br />
I'm going to have to figure this intriguing specimen of the female species out. FOR SCIENCE!!!!<br />
<br />
Honestly though any and all advice would be appreciated.<br />
<br />
Later Days,<br />
HeroNot the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-68878699467096216092012-10-15T13:41:00.001-06:002012-10-15T13:41:54.099-06:00Growth: Games of Life and Love.In my last post I decided to call the girl I went out with a couple times Chase, because I'm sure if I want her I'm going to have to chase her.<br />
<br />
It's come to my attention lately while I was browsing dating profiles online that there is a startling amount of people that claim they don't play "games". I was at first excited because I don't want to date someone addicted to World of Warcraft. Then I realized they were probably talking about emotional games, which made me more excited because I, like most people, do not enjoy drama. In fact I thought to myself, "I don't play games either."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv4B5v4RMrFKJ86meFIuAptyh-gsgCzbuJMmQixMVUFGDAzrWi4Gt1ftVZHL7xWpJDUeDGHyCMs0-v2JeXscfIdZeCwLSkeVbD14-P48gTX5oKYKEd9bV8gy_ko0LFc4rmjWvSxyCpEgY/s400/tumblr_m4v17xIsbE1qj6oxv.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv4B5v4RMrFKJ86meFIuAptyh-gsgCzbuJMmQixMVUFGDAzrWi4Gt1ftVZHL7xWpJDUeDGHyCMs0-v2JeXscfIdZeCwLSkeVbD14-P48gTX5oKYKEd9bV8gy_ko0LFc4rmjWvSxyCpEgY/s320/tumblr_m4v17xIsbE1qj6oxv.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">However, believe it or not, I do.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Don't believe me? Let me explain.<br />
<br />
Since I realized that I'm going to be the one that has to chase after Chase, one thought has been persistent in my mind and at first I thought it might be my avoidant nature. I don't think it is. I don't want to be the only one investing in this. I want her to initiate contact. I want to feel like she wants to go out with me. This alone makes it not part of my avoidant behavior. So without a real conscious effort I started playing a "game". Let's see if she will be the one to contact me. A game we both lose I think.<br />
<br />
I went and looked in the book to see if it had any advice. It did. "Effective communication is key." Well no shit. I want her to communicate with me. I don't think that is what the authors meant though, because I kept reading. I should, instead, initiate contact and communicate what I would like from her. This just seems so cold. I think that if she is interested she should be showing some, you know, interest. She could however be doing what girls in the movies do and be waiting, holding her breath, for my call. Do women really do that?<br />
<br />
I'm reminded of the move/book "He's just not that into you". Does it work both ways? Is there a double standard? What are the signs that "She's just not that into you"?<br />
<br />
With all of these doubts in my mind I realized something. I like this girl, she seemed to like me. I should just text her. I've been letting my fears and doubts rule my actions. Why should I require the validation of her texting me. The book says that secure type people don't bother with worrying, they just do and either it works or it doesn't. I contacted her.<br />
<br />
Holy Crap, I think I'm making progress.<br />
<br />
Later Days,<br />
Hero.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-44230140295029466502012-10-10T23:27:00.000-06:002012-10-10T23:27:03.667-06:00Post Date Blinks: The Chase.I've come up with a nickname for her. The girl I went out with last week. I'm going to call her "The one I'm going to have to chase." or just "Chase" for short. I don't care if it is a boys name.<br />
<br />
I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to be the one that chases. I've never ever really had to do that. Most of my other relationships just sort of fell into my lap. That may have been the problem but maybe not.<br />
<br />
Through reading that book I've learned how to spot someone else's attachment style. I'm pretty sure Chase is an avoidant like myself. I could be wrong I mean it is only the second date. I actually hope that I'm wrong otherwise this may not work at all. The book says avoidants never end up dating each other because well they end up avoiding each other, mutually.<br />
<br />
So far I'm the one that does all the initiating. I mean normally, especially in the old days, it is the guys job to court the woman he wants. It makes sense then, at least a little bit, that I'm the one asking her out, I'm the one making plans, I'm always the first to text. It doesn't mean that I like it.<br />
<br />
I'm not one for being able to carry a text conversation anyway so trying to come up with things to talk to her about via text is irksome. In person we can talk for hours, in fact I had to end the date earlier than we both wanted because it was getting late again and she had to take the bus home. I offered to drive her but she politely refused.<br />
<br />
I need to therefore decide If I'm going to be the one that is OK with chasing her, with doing the old fashioned courting. I have no idea what is considered proper courting technique anymore. I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go. I just have to remember that I want this, and anything worth doing takes effort. The avoidant side of me immediately says "Well it shouldn't be hard, if she was the one it would just work." I'm having to stifle that little voice and say, "She could be the one, it just might take a bit of work." Working towards intimacy goes against my natural instincts though, so I'll fake it till I make it.<br />
<br />
I'm sure someone normal wouldn't be over thinking this as much as I am. In fact I've had several people tell me to stop thinking and just enjoy it. I'm going to try.<br />
<br />
We have loosely set a date for next week. She has agreed to let me take her to the comedy club. Should be good times. Till then, I have Junior's birthday party this weekend and that should be more than enough to distract me and perhaps give me another good story. His birthdays usually do.<br />
<br />
Later Days,<br />
HeroNot the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-13129251169686414872012-10-05T15:15:00.002-06:002012-10-05T15:15:55.536-06:00For Fuck's Sake Friday: Torn.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoyB8h6JUNHUZnhVPYdhHKbVDnoAmyDdfY3d9_ShwA-D9fZrSzLLHkvNeMaz_VnQAabwT6fKX_31KDtoI6xPQ9UiuHXs0VV2uBKszKzbwLqFUkihk4CBBjrGA91ev3thoF6I4VCsYDRC2J/s1600/down_the_rabbit_hole4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoyB8h6JUNHUZnhVPYdhHKbVDnoAmyDdfY3d9_ShwA-D9fZrSzLLHkvNeMaz_VnQAabwT6fKX_31KDtoI6xPQ9UiuHXs0VV2uBKszKzbwLqFUkihk4CBBjrGA91ev3thoF6I4VCsYDRC2J/s320/down_the_rabbit_hole4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This become relevant later.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Reading that book may have done more harm than good.<br />
<br />
Let me explain.<br />
<br />
I know I have an avoidant type of attachment pattern. I knew about that before I started reading the book. Now, however, I have a fuck load of knowledge about other peoples attachment styles and it's running rampant in my head.<br />
<br />
Therefore, When it comes to the new girl I just went on a date with I'm over analyzing everything. I mean the book says a whole bunch of things that secure type of people do, so I'm doing my whole fake it till you make it approach. I'm trying to fake being secure till I am. Sounds like a decent plan, right?<br />
<br />
First, lets start with my <a href="http://fallaciouscomedy.blogspot.ca/2012/10/post-date-blinks-i-think-it-went-well.html" target="_blank">post date blinks</a> post. <a href="http://downwardspiralintothevortex.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Haven</a> told me that I should try and be honest with my feelings. Just put them out there. I did. It made me remarkably uncomfortable. I wanted to just scream at myself to man up and quit being so pathetic. Terrified I wouldn't see her again. What the fuck was I thinking? Then I turn to myself and I say:<br />
<br />
"Self, shut the fuck up. Being vulnerable is what we are trying to work for, remember."<br />
<br />
"Yea but, I don't want to seem needy."<br />
<br />
"Who the fuck cares?"<br />
<br />
"She might."<br />
<br />
"Then she wasn't the one."<br />
<br />
"That is a direct quote from the book used to demonstrate avoidant behaviour."<br />
<br />
"You know what, you think you're so smart. Fuck you, Self"<br />
<br />
"Not if I fuck you up first."<br />
<br />
<br />
For fuck's sake, I think I have more issues than previously thought because I'm just sticking my head down this emotional rabbit hole and Alice is nowhere in sight.<br />
<br />
Later Days,<br />
Hero<br />
<br />Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-25232998342345198662012-10-04T13:24:00.000-06:002012-10-04T13:24:20.023-06:00Post Date Blinks: I think it went well. I have no idea what to nickname her. She was absolutely gorgeous. Her eyes caught my attention... constantly. She seemed a little bit awkward at first but as the conversation flowed she got better. It didn't take long, maybe five minutes.<br />
<br />
The date was supposed to be today, but she wanted to move it to yesterday. I was fine with that because I have plans later this evening but was going to cram in the date anyway. We were supposed to meet up for gelato, but last minute she upgraded to dinner. We agreed on sushi.<br />
<br />
The sushi was delicious the conversation was better. We laughed a lot. I have no way to describe it other then it just seemed to flow well. So well in fact that we sat at the restaurant long after we were done eating. I suggested we go for dessert. The gelato place was too far to walk so we went around the corner to this nice little coffee place. Where she ordered cider and I had a coffee. (dumb move on my part because I couldn't sleep at all last night) We also agreed on sharing a dessert. Which ended up having coconut in it so she ended up getting dessert. That's ok, I'm watching my figure. Again conversation flowed so well that we lost track of time. What was supposed to be a dinner date turned into three and half hours of good times.<br />
<br />
We made loose plans to hang out again on Monday. I'm an airhead though and forgot that this weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving and I have dinner plans out of town. Fuck. I was just so excited to see her again that I completely forgot.<br />
<br />
I woke up this morning and couldn't wait to send her a message. I did though because seven a.m. is a little early for messages. I sent her a message this morning and haven't got a reply back yet and my brain went into overdrive over analyzing everything. Did I talk too much? I tend to do that. Did I come on too strong? I may be overcompensating for the avoidance issue. Did we not have enough in common? And a million other questions. The fact I'm doing this means I actually like her. I'm, for once, wanting more and am terrified I won't get it.<br />
<br />
Then something else clicked into my head. She told me that she searched for the quote that is on my dating profile. The one about boredom. Well, if she googled it and my blog came up as a result, what if she found this. She still agreed to go out with me even knowing that I may be the author of this blog, she may know more about me than most of my close friends and family. I don't know how to feel about this. Strangely, if she is ok with me after reading my blog then, wow. If I'm just a curiosity, then it's harsh. I honestly have no reason to believe that she found this blog other than my strange, cynical, worst case scenario mind jumping to conclusions. She's probably just busy at work.<br />
<br />
Later Days,<br />
Hero.<br />
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Ps. As I finished writing this she responded. Tragedy averted, at least for now.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-21981956248776945982012-10-02T12:51:00.001-06:002012-10-02T12:51:11.669-06:00Growth: I'm done the book.I'm a little disappointed with the book. It opened my eyes to a lot of things regarding attachment. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can point at every single person I know and say what type of attachment style they have.<br />
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Strangely enough, or not so strange, most of my friends have an avoidant attachment style. Except Junior, I don't know what he has but it doesn't matter he's happy with his girlfriend.<br />
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So why am I disappointed in the book? Well, I kept reading and reading but I never got any answers. The book bashed a bit on avoidants saying "If anyone was unfortunate enough to have been in a relationship with them, we hope you aren't now." Ouch book, ouch. Be fucking nice.<br />
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As I kept reading the book it went into details as to how an anxious individual can become less anxious and more secure. Talking about communication. Goes back to when I dated the Doctor and she told me I needed to text her more for her to feel validated. She was an anxious. I am avoidant so I told her to get bent. I'm an asshole. The book says if I actually had her emotional well being in mind I would have agreed to it. I guess that is why it never worked.<br />
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The book goes on and explains how secure type attachment people magically know what their partner needs emotionally. Then explains that magic is just being really good at reading non verbal cues and open communication.<br />
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The book, obviously went into way more detail than I am here. I kept reading hoping that I'd eventually get to a chapter on how avoidants can become more secure and less in the "Don't fucking touch me." behavioural column and more into the "I love you" behavioral column.<br />
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I've concluded that the authors of the book never intended for an avoidant to read it. They seem to think that avoidants are the way we are and we don't think anything is wrong with it.<br />
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Well, to be honest, I know that when someone starts getting too lovey dovey with me that I run for the hills. I say brutal things. I become a distant, non-communicative asshole. Here's the kicker though, I FUCKING HATE IT.<br />
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This last weekend I had the opportunity to have a sit down with a different ex girlfriend of mine. (by the way keeping ex-gf's around is a sign of being avoidant. As long as I have them in my life, or pine after them I'm avoiding my present opportunities or even sabotaging them. The more you know) The ex-gf I talked to and told her that I've recently figured out I have an attachment avoidant behavioural pattern looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Well, no shit." This is the Ex that I lived with for 8 months, and dated for almost 3 years.<br />
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Looking back at the relationship I see that she was an anxious type and I was avoidant. The fights we had were her trying to get me to show that I cared about her but were actually just pushing me away because I would automatically just think "We're fighting, this means we don't work."<br />
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Avoidants tend to believe in "the one" that will just work, and if anything goes wrong in a relationship they use that as an excuse to just fucking bail, like I did.<br />
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I guess I did learn a fair bit about myself and what behavioural patterns I use to avoid emotional commitments but like I said there was nothing in the book about how to overcome this shit. I still recommend that every single person should read it. Click on the picture below for details.<br />
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I'm still not entirely sure how I'm supposed to go about fixing this issue but at least now I've got my foot in the door and can work on it. I have a date this Thursday with someone new so perhaps I may be able to work on it actively instead of just in my head. I'm sure I'll write up a "Post date blinks" post after.<br />
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Till then,<br />
Later days,<br />
Hero.<br />
<br />Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-12793690342208869862012-09-26T20:00:00.001-06:002012-09-26T20:00:45.463-06:00Growth: reading, learning.I started reading a book. It wasn't the one that the article suggested. It was a book I had actually picked up as a joke gift to my mother that I later decided not to give her because it might actually hurt her feelings. It's called "The invisible presence." How a man's relationship with his mother affects all his relationships. I made it about fifteen pages in before the spiritual mumbo jumbo about finding the warriors way got to me and I had to put it down.<br />
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I then went out and bought the book the article recommended, "Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep - love.", and so far it is fucking fantastic. It has a different tone than I expected.<br />
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The first part of the book breaks down how we need attachments and how they evolved with us as a species to give us a survival advantage. It explains that there are three basic types of attachment behaviors: avoidant, anxious, and secure. There is no finger pointing or saying one is evil or anything. More so explaining that different people require different types of behaviors to meet there emotional needs.<br />
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The book also gives you a link to an online test, which I thought was pretty transparent but was still worth taking. I recommend it for everyone. You can find it <a href="http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl" target="_blank">here</a>. It allows you to see what your attachment style is. Turns out I'm not as avoidant as I could be, but am still very avoidant. On a scale of 1-7 I was a 5.25.<br />
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The one part of the book that blew my mind almost instantly was the situational stress test they talked about. It is an experiment that was performed on a child because child to mother attachment is surprisingly similar to that of regular adult attachments. They took the child and mother put them in a room filled with toys. The child would venture out from the mother and explore the room. The mother would get up and leave the room and the child would freak the fuck out and go to the door and cry. The mother would come back and console the child and eventually the child would go back to exploring. The part that blew my mind was that the same parallels could be drawn to adults. The child could only develop and grow, becoming more independent and growing it's strengths when the emotional/physical attachment of it's mother was there. This means that as adults we may not reach our true potential without some sort of attachment to be dependant on to encourage us to grow and actually be stronger. Seemed so paradoxical in my mind before but now it just seems to make sense.<br />
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I'm still reading and working away but I wanted to give you guys an update.<br />
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Turns out, I'm not a lost cause.<br />
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Later Days,<br />
Hero.Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-118659272049199363.post-36942660297498403142012-09-20T13:37:00.001-06:002012-09-20T13:38:47.989-06:00Growth: Step one, Research.Since my last post when I divulged my lack of emotional availability I've been doing some research. I honestly had no idea how to go about getting over my cold personality.<br />
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What I've found rings all too true. I think I have something called an "attachment avoidance pattern". The article I read, (<a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201105/cold-people-what-makes-them-way-part-1" target="_blank">Full article here</a>) listed some words and phrases that collectively capture, on the surface at least, the various dimensions of "characterological coldness":<br />
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<li>aloof, apart, stand-offish</li>
<li>impersonal, disengaged, un-involved; closed, shut-down</li>
<li>detached, distant, remote</li>
<li>haughty, or projecting superiority (though, if these narcissistic features are present, they could reflect the individual's outward demeanor, or self-deception, far more than how--deep down--they actually see themselves)</li>
<li>self-absorbed; insulated, passively withdrawn</li>
<li>emotionally unavailable, inaccessible, unresponsive, indifferent, un-invested</li>
<li>unfeeling, unemotional, affection-less; unsmiling--straight-faced (or stone-faced)</li>
<li>cold-hearted--as in "cold fish" or (even worse) an "iceberg" or "ice queen"</li>
<li>lacking in empathy and compassion</li>
<li>untrusting, wary, guarded;</li>
<li>angry, hostile; critical</li>
<li>excessively independent and self-reliant</li>
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These describe me surprisingly well. When I post something on Facebook like this: "It's not that I don't care, I'm just fresh out of fucks. I don't have a single fuck to spare." The comments I get are generally "Classic Hero right there." or "This is not surprising." My friends and family have just accepted that this is the way that I am. I don't accept it though, so I kept reading.<br />
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"These traits are not to be confused with introversion." I don't think I'm worried about that.<br />
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The article goes on to explain that developmental psychology has explained this behavior as stemming from my childhood. They say it is caused by a lack of emotional bond between the primary care giver, ie. the mother, and the infant. <a href="http://fallaciouscomedy.blogspot.ca/2011/08/what-fuck-wednesday-my-childhood-crazy.html" target="_blank">Given my relationship with my mother this also holds true. </a></div>
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The defense mechanism instilled into the child from the emotional detachment from the mother is to protect themselves from the painful sting of rejection. Basically I can't get hurt if I don't but myself out there, this is apparently learnt in infancy. I have a distinct memory of wanting to cuddle with my mother as a child and having her push me away. I saw the same behavior from my mother with my brother who is 18 years younger than I am. The article says this on the subject, "For to insistently "bother" her for love and have their efforts repeatedly dismissed only functions to contribute to the fear that they may be unlovable--and so expendable. It's only reasonable that children regularly rebuffed in their attempts to establish a stable, secure attachment with their mother would actively strive to reduce to a minimum their expectations for succor and support." The child becomes "preciously pragmatic (another word commonly used to describe me)" and learns to walk the fine line between proximity to the mother and yet virtually evading any risk-fraught chances of intimacy. </div>
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This whole rejection of intimacy as a child becomes an ingrained personal trait, a learned coping mechanism eventually turning off the "activation of the attachment circuitry." </div>
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To summarize a bit the article says "So in the case of the avoidantly attached child, inborn intimacy-seeking behavior is replaced by behavior stressing separateness and independence--qualities that the child recognizes as strongly preferred by her." the mother.</div>
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Once an adult I, apparently, took this learned behavior with dealing with a lack of intimacy with my mother and figured, subconciously, that it should apply to everyone. Some of the consequences in adulthood again ring so true. "Disconnected from many of their own feelings, such individuals frequently struggle to pick up on the <a href="http://fallaciouscomedy.blogspot.ca/2011/05/giant-jello-mold-of-nasty.html" target="_blank">nonverbal cues </a>of others, to sense what they're feeling. Fundamental social awareness and sensitivity is lacking in them (if you're a long time reader you'll know this is so true), for never having been properly attuned to maternally, their feeling (vs. thinking) side has never adequately developed." as well as "Given that the amount of shared emotion between them and their caregiver was seriously wanting, and also that they frequently felt compelled to shut down any spontaneous expression of feeling they feared might be received negatively, the very capacity for avoidantly attached adults to experience positive emotional states--such as enthusiasm, excitement, pleasure, and delight--may be dwarfed."</div>
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I remember one Christmas when I was a teenager, my mother complained that I lacked enthusiasm and excitement. She even went so far as to accuse me of knowing what she had gotten me. Which, in my family, if it had been the case the gift would have been returned. I started that day to "fake it till you make it." I have since learned how to actually feel excitement and enthusiasm, or at least feel the possibly numbed version of it. </div>
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The article says that it isn't surprising that I find close relationships unexplainably uncomfortable, as well as dependancy on others and to go so far as to trust them would be terrifying. I mean how could I when my original relationship had betrayed me from the very beginning. Therefore, "being so emotionally sealed off from others virtually guarantees that they won't be sufficiently "available" to be vulnerable to such a threat."</div>
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I started to think here though that if this was such and ingrained trait why do I feel like I'm missing something in my life. Couldn't I just be happy with the little emotional contact I've been getting. Then I kept reading, "Yet, it must be added, this chronic self-insulation also forever denies them their heart's deepest desire--the loving connection that so painfully eluded them originally." Ah, OK, that makes sense. </div>
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Hey, remember when I said, "I've carried that metaphor as far as a I can without making myself gag." Yea, well here is another quote from the article that hits home and by home I mean right in the testicles. "In fact, as the "dismissive adults" they've become, they're even likely to think and speak pejoratively of anything so touchy-feely as, say, sharing, love, or togetherness." </div>
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Apparently this behavior is passed down from parent to child generation after generation. Could this explain why I don't want children. Maybe, I'm male so I don't have the wiring of maternal instinct and desire that women have. I would be willing to bet though that my sisters, who don't want children either, have the same issue. </div>
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The article has a disclaimer that these behaviors can turn into narcissistic personality disorder, or schizoid personality disorder. I read the description of these I can say without a doubt that I don't have the schizoid one, and I can say that I lean towards the narcissist side but I haven't actually crossed over to the full disorder. </div>
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I'm far from fixing this problem, but I think I may be on the right track to get there. I may need to go get the book they recommend in the article. I'll do some more digging but keep you posted. </div>
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Later Days,</div>
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Hero.</div>
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Not the Herohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01560658711479024512noreply@blogger.com2