Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Taking a Holiday Break.

I have at least two pieces of news for you today.

I pulled a booger out of my nose that was so long it actually triggered my gag reflex but cured the tickle that was making me cough.

I am also going to be taking a break from posting till probably the new year. I am going to be super busy at work till the 23rd then I'm off on a mini vacation till the second. I have a busy holiday planned. I drive to my aunts place on the 24th and spend the night then back to Calgary for the night of the 25th then I go to the mountains for a week with the family to snowboard and just relax. I'm looking forward to it. I promise I'll come back and write a whole bunch of cool things. I may even have pictures.

Till then I want to say happy holidays and I hope that all of your respective celebrations bring you lots of joy, smiles, laughter and a sense of love. It is a fantastic time of year and I appreciate each and every one of you that reads my blog, you help keep me sane. Well mostly I guess.

I almost forgot, since I wont see you before, Happy New years as well.

Later days,

This is what I get to look at for the next little bit.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday: Picky Eaters.

Welcome to this weeks edition of WTFW. I'm going to be talking about picky eaters.

There is only one thing I absolutely cannot eat, and that is Coconut. I'm allergic to it. 

There is another thing I don't like to eat, and that would be cooked green beans. Raw green beans I can't get enough of, but the moment you cook them I can't stand em. Weird I know but I'm pretty sure it is a texture thing. 

My mother is a notoriously terrible cook. I never realized this growing up because, well, exposure to food that wasn't cooked by my mother was limited. She would almost cook the green beans to mush, then add butter to them. So I was forced to eat slimy, mushy, green beans. When I mean forced, I mean forced. I wasn't allowed to leave the table till I ate them. When I was about 12 years old I dug in my heals and slept at the kitchen table. I didn't have to eat them after that. 

However, this being said, now that I'm older. If I'm out for dinner and green beans are served I will eat them. I won't enjoy them, but I will eat them. 

One of the things I discovered when I moved away from home was the fantastic foods I'd been missing out on my whole life. Different ethnic foods that I hadn't previously been exposed to are fantastic and that brings me to my point. 

I have dated a couple of picky eaters in my life and deep down inside it bothered me. 

The Doctor is the most recent example of it, partly because of an allergy but I can forgive her for that. She didn't like vegetables and was allergic to wheat. This meant she would eat lettuce, meat, and gluten free carbohydrates. This meant that eating out with her turned into an adventure, never mind trying to cook her a meal. One of my favorite things to do with a girl I'm dating. 

Then there is Junior, he doesn't like vegetables either. So trying to cook a meal for the two of us doesn't work well either. How can you hate an entire food group? Carrots don't taste the same as a green pepper, or brussel sprouts so saying "Oh, I don't like vegetables." is ignorant as fuck.

I grew up with a picky eater as well, my older sister is remarkably picky. Not so much now that she is older and isn't eating my mothers terrible cooking but still picky. 

I don't know what exactly it is that bothers me about picky eaters. Maybe it is the fact that there are people in the world that would kill to eat some of the things that these people flat out refuse to eat and end up throwing out. It could be a symbol for other things in life. If you are picky about what you eat are you just as picky when it comes to things your willing to experience. It could be that I worked at a chef for years and hated modified orders. If you don't like something in the meal don't order it.

When it comes to dating women, I don't think I could date a picky eater. I'm not saying one or two things that they don't like but when there is a list of things, I begin to have an issue with it. What the Fuck is wrong with trying new things? You've got one life to live so why not experience it. This goes for eating new things, trying new activities, and trying new things in the bed room. Without an adventurous attitude I'm afraid life is just too boring for me. So if the woman I'm dating isn't adventurous either, I'm afraid that I'm going to find her boring as well. 

So shut the fuck up, eat the meal the way it is prepared, stop worrying about what you don't like and start worrying about the things you haven't experienced yet. If that doesn't work think about this kid next time you stick your tongue out and make a face at what is placed in front of you.

Son I am disappoint!

Later Days and happy eating,

Monday, December 12, 2011

Quick Update.

I know it's Monday so technically I owe you a "My weekend Monday" post or even a "Hungover Monday" post but this is going to be a little bit more than that.

As my more frequent readers know I've started going in a New Direction, it involved not drinking and losing weight. Well this last week was a non-starter. There were some issues with rule clarifications and eventually a fed up NtH and Token went out and got hammered drunk on Thursday. Which led to me taking Friday off of work then ended up seeing the inside of the Calgary police administration building's holding cells. Don't worry they were completely unrelated events.

I found out I had a warrant out for my arrest for an unpaid transit fine some evil shit. I voluntarily turned my self in and paid the fine. I was going to have to take time off work to do this anyway so Friday was a perfect opportunity to clear my record.

Since the Challenge was postponed everyone involved went out on Saturday to watch the hockey game and have a round of beer before the actual challenge started today.

This is what the beer was served in.
It's called a Tower.
(that's Ginger's ugly mug)

This isn't to say that I wasn't already going to the gym last week because I was. It just means we start over and no one gets their head shaved... yet.

I have been rock climbing more than ever and I can honestly say that I missed it. Wow am I out of shape though. I have no stamina in my hand strength anymore. The skill is still there but I can only climb for about 30 minutes before my hands no longer obey me when I tell them not to let me fall off of the rocks.

On a side note, when Token and I went out on Thursday I met a new girl. Now don't get excited, she is moving away in January for 4 months, so nothing is going to come of it. I must have the worst luck when it comes to women. She was a good kisser though.

My "Family" dinner was last night as well. It is a weekly dinner party my sisters put on. Last night was turkey dinner, it tasted fantastic but when dinner was over I began losing touch with reality. I felt super tired and couldn't form proper thoughts or maintain conversations. Kinda scary, so I left, drove home, (I know I'm smart like that) and promptly fell asleep. I hope being over tired was all it was cause I felt really weird and hadn't experienced that before.

Anyway I think that is all that has happened in the last week.

Later Days,

Thursday, December 8, 2011


(This was originally published back in February before I changed my blog to its current state. I enjoyed rereading it and hope you do too.)

I love to dream.

I don't mean dream dreams, like you get when you're asleep, because let us be honest here, mine rarely make sense. I have a recurring dream where I am Marty McFly from back to the future, and I am fighting terrorists armed with assault rifles and grenade launchers and all I have for a weapon is a giant fly swatter. So no I'm not talking about sleepy time dreams. I'm going to talk about fantasies (except I don't like that word because it has the connotation of sex in there, as in only sex, my fantasies have more than just sex).

So dreams are usually things that are lofty 'out of this world' type things. Like I would love to have sex with Katy Perry but I don't think that is going to happen or I'd love to missile kick Sarah Palin in the ovaries, but I don't think that is going to happen either. So I usually set my dreams somewhere closer to the ground. 

Like I wouldn't mind getting involved in a gun battle as I'm walking down the street.

I'd be walking down the street listening to my music kind of doing a dance, like the dance scene from Spiderman 3.

All of a sudden a car explodes in front me sending me for cover hiding behind a wheelchair access ramp, and then there is SWAT everywhere. One of them throws me a vest and gun then says "You've just been deputized". Followed is an epic gun battle between us and the unknown enemy. I end up flanking the bad guys using a non standardized strategy and just as I'm about to end the battle I notice that the people I was fighting were actually the good guys. I then turn the tides the other way and save the day. I get offered a job on the spot, but turn them down and go back to my usual daily life but with the memory of my heroics. 

I like how I consider that more possible than having sex with Katy Perry. 

I do have a dream that I think is possible. I call it my perfect weekend.

The weekend starts early; I get off work at noon. I have a solo camp out planned. I'm driving myself out to the mountains to do an overnight trek in the mountains just myself. I've got all my gear all set and ready for when I'm done work. I hop in my jeep (not FJ I fucking hate that thing) and drive the 2 hours to get to the trail head. I start my long trek into the mountains. I catch up to some other people on the trail, a couple. I chat with them for a bit. We hike for a couple of hours but they aren't heading to the same place I am so when the trail forks we part ways. I get to my campsite just as the sun is starting to dip below the peaks of the mountains. I set up my tent and get ready to make myself dinner.

 Just as I'm settling down to cook I hear foot steps coming from the trail. A young woman steps into the light of the fire. "Oh it looks like I won't be camping alone." she says. She comes and joins me by the fire and we start chatting, getting to know each other. We share dinner under the twilight (is it weird that, that word has been forever ruined for me) as the stars start to come out. We walk out into a clearing and lay down to watch the constellations take form. I point out Orion, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. She starts to point out constellations that don't exist. We laugh as we make shapes in the stars. I have trouble picturing one of the shapes she is trying to make so she rolls over lays her head right next to mine so that she sees what I see and points the stars out to me. I still don't see it. She rolls up on her side and looks me in the eyes. I laugh because I totally could see it. She leans forward and kisses me on the lips lightly taking me by surprise. She blushes and gets up. "Shit, I totally forgot to set up my tent, and now it is dark." I tell her she can sleep in mine; I'll sleep under the stars. That is what I usually do anyway. The tent is for my shit so it stays dry. So that is what happens I sleep under the stars and she sleeps in my tent. 

I'm awoken the next morning by the smell of breakfast; which is oatmeal, with chocolate chips in it. Over breakfast I ask her what her plans are for the day. She doesn't have any. We decide that we would hike out together. We laugh and smile as we hike our way back to our vehicles. I ask her if I could see her again. She says she has nothing planned for that night. I get her number and tell her she should be ready to go out around seven and dress up. I drive home feeling good, rejuvenated from the mountain air and the hours away from civilization. 

After showering and getting my self back to normal I call her and double check that we are still on for the night and to get her address. I then get dressed in my best and leave to go pick her up. When I arrive at her place she looks stunning. She asks where we are going and why we are so dressed up. I tell her it is a surprise. We pull up the concert hall and I give my keys to the valet. She tells me she has never been here. We go in to watch and listen to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. She is grinning from ear to ear the entire night.  As we leave the concert hall she grabs my hand and leans against me, "That was amazing. What's next?" I shrug a little and admit I didn't have anything planned after this. "How about we go out for a couple drinks" she suggests, "there is a great wine bar by my place." We go and chat for a couple hours till we are informed that the place is closing. I drive her back to her place and get out to walk her, to her door. As we arrive at her door step I turn her to me, grab her hips and pick her up so she is up a stair, almost face to face with me. I raise my hand and tilt her face up to look at mine and lean in and kiss her. She wraps her arms around me and kisses me back. 

This is wear it is no longer PG. Those of my readers that know me in real life probably have never seen this side of me, but here goes. If you don't want to read smut, stop here. 

I mean it, stop if you don't want to read about sex.

I slide my hand up her side and pull her in tight to me. I can feel her soft breasts against my chest, I can feel her pulse racing as our lips part and tongues dart in and out of each other mouths playfully. I pull away slightly grabbing her bottom lip with my teeth pulling on it. I slide my other hand up her side and into her hair, my hand cupping the back of her head and I pull her face to mine again. She stands on her tippy toes to try and get closer to me as her hands explore my broad shoulders and back. Our eyes are closed as we embrace. All I can feel is her soft hair in my hand, her slender back in my other. I can smell her as I try and draw rapid breath through my nose. All I can hear is her soft whimpers of pleasure every time I pull away a little bit to nibble on her lip. This reverie is interrupted as a car honks there horn as they drive by. She pulls away and holds both my hands as she faces me, letting go with one hand to rub the excess saliva off her lips, only to quickly grab my hand again.

"Would you like to come in?" she asks.

"More than anything else," I respond.

She fumbles with the keys, but eventually gets us into her building. She grabs my hand and leads me up to her apartment. Once inside, she turns to me again puts both hands on my chest as I draw her close to me again. She is looking up into my blue eyes and says. "I haven't had this much fun in twenty four hours, ever." I tell her the night isn't over, and pick her up and kiss her; she hikes her skirts up and wraps her legs around my hips kissing me passionately. I slide my hand up her thigh past her stockings, feeling the softness of her skin, my other hand holding her to me around her lower back. I walk forward slamming into a wall where she pulls away and laughs, I take the chance to bury my face into her neck, nibbling softly right where the shoulder meets the neck, her laughs turn into moans as she puts her feet down dropping away from my attack on her neck. She pushes me backwards with a little smirk on her face, screaming mischief. I'm to busy looking into her eyes to pay attention to where she is pushing me. I trip over backwards onto the couch. She pounces on top of me grabbing my hair, turning my head and bites my neck. I arch my back in pleasure, causing her to giggle. "See, two can play at that game, she whispers in my ear sucking my earlobe into her mouth. She sits up, takes a deep breath and sighs. 

"You sir, are trouble.” she says, I smile and don't say anything. "What?" she says. 

"I'm the one that is trouble, yet you're the one undoing my shirt." I respond and flip her over so she is lying on the couch, "Let me help you," I say as I take off my shirt. She reaches up and grabs me behind my shoulders and pulls me down on top of her. I support most of my weight with one hand as my other runs over the front of her bodice; she moans encouragement into my mouth. I slide my hand behind her back and unzip the top of her dress, giving me access to the clasp on her bra. With a flick my fingers the clasp is undone, causing her to pull away, smile and say "Well done, but wait." Kissing me as she stands me up, she leads me out of the living room.

Into her bedroom, where I let her push me onto her bed. Standing at the foot of the bed she reaches up behind her and unzips her dress the rest of the way and does up her bra, then shrugs her shoulders out of the straps. She pushes the slinky dress down off her hips, past her knees and steps out of it. She stand back up after bending over where all I could see was the top of her head, and she is wearing black lace bra with matching garter belt and panties. My pants were getting very uncomfortable just looking at her, still standing with that mischievous smirk on her face. I sit up on my elbows to get a better look at her. She walked towards the bed and crawls up towards and on top of me, pushing me back down kissing me gently and turning my head to whisper in my ear, "You like what you see?" I nod my head, "Prove it." she says and bites my neck again firmly holding my head so all I could do was squirm and bring my hands up to push her away and flip her over on her back. I kiss her roughly and drag my stubby fingernails down her back causing it to arch. As her back was arched my other hand slides back to the clasp on the bra and again with a flick of my fingers it comes undone.

"Was that with your other hand?" she whispers past my lips.

"Mmmhmm," I moan into her neck, my hands exploring her back and sides, purposely avoiding her, almost exposed breasts. I'm still on my hands and knees over top of her and she reaches up with her hands on my back and her feet around my hips and pulls me heavily down on top of her, her hips immediately starting to grind against my, already very tight pants. I lean back a little and kiss my way down her jaw line, past her neck using my chin to push the lace away from her breasts. I work my way to her exposed nipples pulling one of them into my mouth quickly moistening it and releasing it only to blow on it ever so lightly. The hot and cold bringing goose bumps to her skin and a shivering moan to her lips. I kiss my way over to her other breast to give it the same treatment, except as I blow on the second one I grab the other breast roughly causing her to grind herself harder into my excited sex, moaning loudly. I kiss my way back up to her lips where they are parted in heavy breathing. I smile as I look into her half lidded eyes. She grabs my head and kisses me hard enough to send a spark of pain through my lips. I let her flip me over where she straddles me and kisses her way down my chest undoing my belt and fly with her hands as she drags her tongue down the center of my chest, edging closer and closer to my belt line. She grabs my pants on both sides pulling them down taking my boxers with them at the same time, freeing me from the tightness of my pants. 

She half smiles out of her mouth as she looks at my naked body, obviously liking what she sees. Her hands rub up my legs, from my feet where she had removed what was left of my clothing, as she got closer to my nether regions she slowed down and circled it with her hands getting closer and closer using less and less of her hand till the was only dragging one finger up my length holding the tip down slightly against its natural upwards tendency. She held it there as she slowly lowered her mouth down to one side to breathe heavily on it, the heat of her breath sending waves of pleasure through my body, first down one side then the other. Then as he mouth was approaching the tip once again she moved her finger out of the way as her lips parted just enough to rub against the tip as it slid into her mouth. I sigh loudly as she holds it just inside her warm mouth for a second before her tongue darts forward to swirl around the ridge of the head. Her spare hand, not supporting her weight, comes up to grip firmly around the base as she more vigorously slid my length in and out of her mouth applying just enough suction. Just as I'm about grab her and pull away to stop my release she lets go completely, with a very self satisfied grin on her face. 

I look at her with surprise and lust. I sit up and grab her by the shoulders flinging her from where she was kneeling onto her back towards the pillows. I kiss her hard and pull her hair firmly, my spare hand groping her breast and dragging my fingernails down her sides around her front and down past the lacy waistband of her panties. He swollen lips are already wet. I move my head down past her breasts and pull her panties off (smart girl wore them on top of her garter belt) as I go, all the way off. I kiss and scrape my rough five o'clock shadow up her legs down the inside of her thighs, stopping short of her exposed lips. She edges her self closer and closer to my face, whether on purpose or not, I can tell she longs to feel my tongue against her clit. I kiss one side first pulling one lip into my mouth then the other and slide my tongue along the slit starting just below the hood and all the way down to the velvety entrance, where I slide my tongue inside of her ever so slightly, pulling a gasp from her. Then I pull my tongue back out and slide it back towards the hood, slowing as I get closer. I blow lightly against the hidden clitoris then without warning I pull the hood and clit into my mouth twirling it with my tongue. He body convulses in pleasure, one hand grasping her breast roughly, digging her nails into the skin, the other hand entangled in my hair holding my mouth firmly against her sex. Gasping for air already, I pull away briefly to let her relax for a second and after she has gathered a couple of heavy breaths I go back to sucking her clitoris into my mouth pinching it lightly with my lips I gently hum against it, stopping the gasps completely as her body spasms in pleasure. She pushes my face way and drags me bodily towards her face kissing me.

 "I need you inside me," she says, reaching down between us guiding me to her opening, rubbing my head through her wetness, against her clit before slipping me inside her. Her eyes close and she tilts her head back as I am barely inside her I kiss her neck and pull back out a little bit. Holding still, till she pouts and looks back at me, just as she was about to say something I slide the rest of the way in. I feel her hot wetness against my base, as her eyes go wide and her mouth gapes open. I don't wait; I pull out and slide back in slower this time, giving her a chance to breath. I continue to increase the pace; we're kissing each other and pulling hair. Her nails dig deep into my shoulders encouraging me to go faster. Without notice I pull out and flip her over onto her stomach, I pull her hips up and enter her from behind. Without my shoulders to grab onto, she grabs the sheets stretching them tight between her hands. I slam into her harder and harder her breaths getting shorter and shorter till she is holding her breath. Her body starts to shake and shudder under the effort. Her knuckles turn white as she screams her orgasm and I feel her insides grip me and hold tight. She collapses after her orgasm subsides. She rolls over and looks at me, a sheen of sweat starting to appear on her forehead. 

"Lay down," she says. I do as commanded. She straddles me but instead of guiding me inside her she crawls forward, pulling the pillow out from under my head she guides her pussy towards my mouth. I bring my hands up to her ass and let her grind herself against my mouth and tongue. She grips the headboard of the bed. I stick my tongue out as far as I can and she grinds her opening onto it. I taste her slightly bitter sweetness as she moans and grinds. Then without warning she slides back down to straddle my hips. I'm inside her before I know it. She pins my hands down and grinds her wetness against me, faster and faster, looking into my eyes biting her lips in pleasure. She lets go of my hands and grabs my hair and bites my neck. My hands go to her ass guiding her faster and faster. I can start to feel my orgasm build, I don't want to cum yet so I try and stop her but she looks at me and shakes her head. Riding faster and gripping tighter with her insides, there is nothing I can do but moan as I explode inside her. I can feel her orgasm subside as her muscles spasm pulling at my supersensitive cock. She collapses with me inside her still, kissing my check lightly. 

We fell asleep naked in each others arms. In the morning I was hit in the head with a towel. "Go shower," she says standing at the side of the bed wrapped in a towel, her hair still wet. 

I shower and get dressed, I felt weird wearing my best clothes again. She asks what I've got planned for the day. I tell her I'm probably am just going to chill at home and watch cartoons and play video games. I ask if she wants to join. She does. We go to my place where I change into jeans and a t-shirt and watch cartoons all day and then I cook her dinner. 

I make balsamic, spinach, basil, and cheese stuffed chicken with red pepper sauce, served over rice with steamed lemon pepper asparagus. She goes home after dinner. I go to sleep, and dream dreams of combat with giant flyswatters. 

This would be my perfect weekend. It's got mountains, booze, sex, food, cartoons, and culture.

There you have my first attempt at smut. 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

New direction.

Oh Hi there. Where have you been all my life? What do you mean you've been here waiting patiently for me to post some funny anecdote or tell you about what is going on in my life?

I have been gone for a while. This is the single longest break from posting I've ever taken. It isn't that I don't love you because I do. It is strictly lack of inspiration and a lack of excitement in my life.

I have done abso-fucking-lutely nothing this last week and a half. That is a lie. I've done what I always do. On the weekends I go out with friends, drink my face off and waste the rest of the weekend recovering from the hangovers. During the week I work and blop my ever growing ass on a couch and watch a movie.

This isn't working for me anymore. So this weekend I hatched a new plan or challenge if you will. I needed some help though.

This challenge is going to be called "Move it fat ass or you get bic'd!" the title is still a work in progress.

What does this entail?

I got everyone of my friends involved in this except Vegas because, well, he is already in pretty near perfect shape. Fucker!

So Token, Ginger, Junior, and I are all going to be participating.

We have agreed that until the challenge is over there will be no use/abuse of vices. This for me means no drinking. That is right, until the challenge is over I will not be participating in any more shenanigans.

So what is the challenge?

We are all going to set a personal fitness goal that we all agree is achievable in roughly the same amount of time as each others' goals.

I'm going to try and lose 15 pounds. Everyone else has their own goals and it isn't my place to tell you them.

I've been trying to stay in shape for a while, (my entire life) and it just hasn't stuck. I'd be doing fine all week then the weekend would come and I'd crack my first of many beer and then light up a cigarette. I'd then spend the rest of the week recovering from my shenanigans. So How am I going to fix this? What is the motivation to stick to the goal and actually achieve it? Well out of the four of us doing the challenge the last person to complete their goal gets their head shaved, all the way down, with a razor.

The plan!

I plan on going to my younger sisters university every morning before work. I'll be swimming laps and going to the gym. Alternating days for each. I'm also going to start rock climbing again after work. My sisters are already helping me adjust my diet to allow for maximum results.

I'm excited to do this and even more excited that my friends are going to be doing it as well. It will make actually doing it easier if I have no one to distract me with partying.

Hopefully with the new environments and such I'll be able to find new inspiration to write amusing things.

Wish me luck everyone.

Later Days,