Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What the Fuck Wednesday: Chase

Yesterday I was involved in a nice little twitter chat with and a couple other bloggers about communication. Which brought to light how much I've been rationalizing Chase's communication or lack thereof.

I'll try and have a conversation with her via text and that just doesn't happen. Most times it takes several hours and sometimes it takes her days to respond. At first I was perfectly fine with this; it went well with my avoidant behavior. It's been almost a month now though and we've been on three whole dates. I'm fine with moving slow but this is ridiculous. What the fuck is the point?

During the chat yesterday I was told that we may just be on different pages. Which is fair, we may be. I was also told that I should talk to her about it. Now I'd love to but I have a feeling that doing so over text isn't exactly kosher. This involves setting up a date, which is like pulling teeth. Not because we don't have time for each other, that's never been a problem. She just doesn't respond to messages in time to set things in motion so a lot of the time my week fills up with friends and other activities by the time I'm able to find out when she is available. Most of the time I've been able to either squeeze her in or shuffle stuff so that we can have some time. This is just getting more and more frustrating, to the point now that I'm not sure I care.

One point of the chat struck me like a high five to the face. I don't know if it was a demographic thing, or even a generation thing but phoning people seems to be very important. I never phone anyone. I mean like EVER. I just don't like it, never have. I don't even phone my mother and she gets mad because of it. When I'm sick, I email into work to let them know I'm not coming. I literally never phone anyone. I don't really answer my phone either. Not out of discomfort on that one, I just never seem to hear it. During the chat though it seemed to be this huge deal that the guy actually phones girl. Who knew. I guess I may have to give it a try.

This newly required skill, I don't think is going to be used with Chase. I just don't see it happening. It may be my avoidant nature or it could be that it just isn't working. Either way I'm sick of chasing and not getting anywhere. Like I said what the fuck is the point? I'm getting nowhere but frustrated.

Later Days,

Friday, October 19, 2012

For Fucks Sake: Clarification.

I should clarify something. Token pointed out that I should stop reading dating columns. Honestly I read them because they are funny. I'll read anything. Today I read all about the ingredients on the hand soap in my office bathroom. I also read about a penguin that happened to be knighted and is a member of the norwegian royal guard. He is called Colonel-in-Chief Sir Nils Olav. Hilarious.

I was also told that I'm trying too hard to find love. Honestly if I didn't try it just wouldn't happen. I wouldn't notice when a girl is hitting on me. I wouldn't ask anyone out. Nothing. I'd eventually get a cat... or thirty. I think it is different for men and women. Women are told the best way to find love is to not try. This doesn't work for men with the double standard that the man has to be the one that asks out the woman. I could be as sexy as all hell and hang out in all the grocery stores and never get a date. Unless it's with the security guard. So yes, I have to try and no it isn't all I do. I do have a job, and hobbies. They just don't make all that interesting blog material.

This is work, unless you're interested in how you get your gas, this is pretty boring.
As for my situation with Chase, I post about my doubts and insecurities. It helps me sort out my thoughts and stops me from over thinking everything all the fucking time. I know we are only at the get to know you phase and everything is going according to plan. Slightly slower than I'd like but we're both grown ups and have a busy schedule so a date a week seems to be all we have time for. It also keeps things slow and allows us to get used to the idea of each other. We are having a lot of fun and I'm not all that worried about it. If I didn't post anything though my blog would be even more of a ghost town than it has become. Seriously, where'd all my readers go?

This is relevant to the intro of my last post. I loved it. 

Anyway, all is well. Happy Friday everyone.

Later Days,

PS. I started writing another book. Silly I know because the first one isn't done but meh, it's fun. 
Here's the link. Class One Order

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Post Date Blinks: Women are confusing.

I'm beginning to realize I really do not understand women nearly as well as I thought I did. I didn't think I understood them that well to begin with so you can understand how distraught this makes me.

I totally understand buddy.
My confusion about Chase has been slowly building since the beginning, but it reached a new level yesterday. We were trying to figure out the next date. Going back and forth about day and time and then finally we arrived at a consensus. I'm not confused yet. Now the "what do you want to do?" part of deciding came. I had been trying to figure out things we could do together that wouldn't be too expensive because I went slightly over budget on the weekend. I figured I could amp up the intimacy a bit at the same time. I thought I was being super clever. I suggested a evening stroll through a park sipping on some hot chocolate and Bailey's.

I got a response I wasn't expecting. "That sounds too mushy... sorry."

I actually laughed.

We ended up just going out for a pint because our schedules didn't match up as much as we thought they would. The date was good, plenty of laughs, more good conversation and again it felt like I could talk to her for hours more but we had to end it because I had a birthday party to go to again.

One of the things that came up, when I asked her what she meant by too mushy, that confused the fuck right out of me was that her favorite movie is "The Notebook". That's right the Nicolas Sparks novel turned into arguably the most romantic, mushy, emotional, movie ever made. So I told her that. Her rebuttal, "No, it's not. It's cute."

So apparently there is a fine line between mushy and cute. It's apparently up to me to figure out where this line is and not to cross it.

She agreed to actually go on a walk and drink hot chocolate with me because I assured her I'm not the mushy type, she said she figured when I laughed about the mushy comment.

God damn it every single dating advice column I've ever read has said, "Woo her with compliments and confidence.", which I'm not sure if she is ok with or not. She never really acknowledges my compliments.  "Women no matter what they say love receiving flowers." This I have no idea if that would fall onto the cute side or the mushy side. The list of mushy shit goes on and on. Honestly, so many mixed signals from things that are supposed to help out with this sort of thing.

I'm going to have to figure this intriguing specimen of the female species out. FOR SCIENCE!!!!

Honestly though any and all advice would be appreciated.

Later Days,

Monday, October 15, 2012

Growth: Games of Life and Love.

In my last post I decided to call the girl I went out with a couple times Chase, because I'm sure if I want her I'm going to have to chase her.

It's come to my attention lately while I was browsing dating profiles online that there is a startling amount of people that claim they don't play "games". I was at first excited because I don't want to date someone addicted to World of Warcraft. Then I realized they were probably talking about emotional games, which made me more excited because I, like most people, do not enjoy drama. In fact I thought to myself, "I don't play games either."

However, believe it or not, I do.

Don't believe me? Let me explain.

Since I realized that I'm going to be the one that has to chase after Chase, one thought has been persistent in my mind and at first I thought it might be my avoidant nature. I don't think it is. I don't want to be the only one investing in this. I want her to initiate contact. I want to feel like she wants to go out with me. This alone makes it not part of my avoidant behavior. So without a real conscious effort I started playing a "game". Let's see if she will be the one to contact me. A game we both lose I think.

I went and looked in the book to see if it had any advice. It did. "Effective communication is key." Well no shit. I want her to communicate with me. I don't think that is what the authors meant though, because I kept reading. I should, instead, initiate contact and communicate what I would like from her. This just seems so cold. I think that if she is interested she should be showing some, you know, interest. She could however be doing what girls in the movies do and be waiting, holding her breath, for my call. Do women really do that?

I'm reminded of the move/book "He's just not that into you". Does it work both ways? Is there a double standard? What are the signs that "She's just not that into you"?

With all of these doubts in my mind I realized something. I like this girl, she seemed to like me. I should just text her. I've been letting my fears and doubts rule my actions. Why should I require the validation of her texting me. The book says that secure type people don't bother with worrying, they just do and either it works or it doesn't. I contacted her.

Holy Crap, I think I'm making progress.

Later Days,

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Post Date Blinks: The Chase.

I've come up with a nickname for her. The girl I went out with last week. I'm going to call her "The one I'm going to have to chase." or just "Chase" for short. I don't care if it is a boys name.

I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to be the one that chases. I've never ever really had to do that. Most of my other relationships just sort of fell into my lap. That may have been the problem but maybe not.

Through reading that book I've learned how to spot someone else's attachment style. I'm pretty sure Chase is an avoidant like myself. I could be wrong I mean it is only the second date. I actually hope that I'm wrong otherwise this may not work at all. The book says avoidants never end up dating each other because well they end up avoiding each other, mutually.

So far I'm the one that does all the initiating. I mean normally, especially in the old days, it is the guys job to court the woman he wants. It makes sense then, at least a little bit, that I'm the one asking her out, I'm the one making plans, I'm always the first to text. It doesn't mean that I like it.

I'm not one for being able to carry a text conversation anyway so trying to come up with things to talk to her about via text is irksome. In person we can talk for hours, in fact I had to end the date earlier than we both wanted because it was getting late again and she had to take the bus home. I offered to drive her but she politely refused.

I need to therefore decide If I'm going to be the one that is OK with chasing her, with doing the old fashioned courting. I have no idea what is considered proper courting technique anymore. I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go. I just have to remember that I want this, and anything worth doing takes effort. The avoidant side of me immediately says "Well it shouldn't be hard, if she was the one it would just work." I'm having to stifle that little voice and say, "She could be the one, it just might take a bit of work." Working towards intimacy goes against my natural instincts though, so I'll fake it till I make it.

I'm sure someone normal wouldn't be over thinking this as much as I am. In fact I've had several people tell me to stop thinking and just enjoy it. I'm going to try.

We have loosely set a date for next week. She has agreed to let me take her to the comedy club.  Should be good times. Till then, I have Junior's birthday party this weekend and that should be more than enough to distract me and perhaps give me another good story. His birthdays usually do.

Later Days,

Friday, October 5, 2012

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Torn.

This become relevant later.
Reading that book may have done more harm than good.

Let me explain.

I know I have an avoidant type of attachment pattern. I knew about that before I started reading the book. Now, however, I have a fuck load of knowledge about other peoples attachment styles and it's running rampant in my head.

Therefore, When it comes to the new girl I just went on a date with I'm over analyzing everything. I mean the book says a whole bunch of things that secure type of people do, so I'm doing my whole fake it till you make it approach. I'm trying to fake being secure till I am. Sounds like a decent plan, right?

First, lets start with my post date blinks post. Haven told me that I should try and be honest with my feelings. Just put them out there. I did. It made me remarkably uncomfortable. I wanted to just scream at myself to man up and quit being so pathetic. Terrified I wouldn't see her again. What the fuck was I thinking? Then I turn to myself and I say:

 "Self, shut the fuck up. Being vulnerable is what we are trying to work for, remember."

"Yea but, I don't want to seem needy."

"Who the fuck cares?"

"She might."

"Then she wasn't the one."

"That is a direct quote from the book used to demonstrate avoidant behaviour."

"You know what, you think you're so smart. Fuck you, Self"

"Not if I fuck you up first."

For fuck's sake, I think I have more issues than previously thought because I'm just sticking my head down this emotional rabbit hole and Alice is nowhere in sight.

Later Days,

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Post Date Blinks: I think it went well.

I have no idea what to nickname her. She was absolutely gorgeous. Her eyes caught my attention... constantly.  She seemed a little bit awkward at first but as the conversation flowed she got better. It didn't take long, maybe five minutes.

The date was supposed to be today, but she wanted to move it to yesterday. I was fine with that because I have plans later this evening but was going to cram in the date anyway. We were supposed to meet up for gelato, but last minute she upgraded to dinner. We agreed on sushi.

The sushi was delicious the conversation was better. We laughed a lot. I have no way to describe it other then it just seemed to flow well. So well in fact that we sat at the restaurant long after we were done eating. I suggested we go for dessert. The gelato place was too far to walk so we went around the corner to this nice little coffee place. Where she ordered cider and I had a coffee. (dumb move on my part because I couldn't sleep at all last night) We also agreed on sharing a dessert. Which ended up having coconut in it so she ended up getting dessert. That's ok, I'm watching my figure. Again conversation flowed so well that we lost track of time. What was supposed to be a dinner date turned into three and half hours of good times.

We made loose plans to hang out again on Monday. I'm an airhead though and forgot that this weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving and I have dinner plans out of town. Fuck. I was just so excited to see her again that I completely forgot.

I woke up this morning and couldn't wait to send her a message. I did though because seven a.m. is a little early for messages. I sent her a message this morning and haven't got a reply back yet and my brain went into overdrive over analyzing everything. Did I talk too much? I tend to do that. Did I come on too strong? I may be overcompensating for the avoidance issue. Did we not have enough in common? And a million other questions. The fact I'm doing this means I actually like her. I'm, for once, wanting more and am terrified I won't get it.

Then something else clicked into my head. She told me that she searched for the quote that is on my dating profile. The one about boredom. Well, if she googled it and my blog came up as a result, what if she found this. She still agreed to go out with me even knowing that I may be the author of this blog, she may know more about me than most of my close friends and family. I don't know how to feel about this. Strangely, if she is ok with me after reading my blog then, wow. If I'm just a curiosity, then it's harsh. I honestly have no reason to believe that she found this blog other than my strange, cynical, worst case scenario mind jumping to conclusions. She's probably just busy at work.

Later Days,

Ps. As I finished writing this she responded. Tragedy averted, at least for now.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Growth: I'm done the book.

I'm a little disappointed with the book. It opened my eyes to a lot of things regarding attachment. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can point at every single person I know and say what type of attachment style they have.

Strangely enough, or not so strange, most of my friends have an avoidant attachment style. Except Junior, I don't know what he has but it doesn't matter he's happy with his girlfriend.

So why am I disappointed in the book? Well, I kept reading and reading but I never got any answers. The book bashed a bit on avoidants saying "If anyone was unfortunate enough to have been in a relationship with them, we hope you aren't now." Ouch book, ouch. Be fucking nice.

As I kept reading the book it went into details as to how an anxious individual can become less anxious and more secure. Talking about communication. Goes back to when I dated the Doctor and she told me I needed to text her more for her to feel validated. She was an anxious. I am avoidant so I told her to get bent. I'm an asshole. The book says if I actually had her emotional well being in mind I would have agreed to it. I guess that is why it never worked.

The book goes on and explains how secure type attachment people magically know what their partner needs emotionally. Then explains that magic is just being really good at reading non verbal cues and open communication.

The book, obviously went into way more detail than I am here. I kept reading hoping that I'd eventually get to a chapter on how avoidants can become more secure and less in the "Don't fucking touch me." behavioural column and more into the "I love you" behavioral column.

I've concluded that the authors of the book never intended for an avoidant to read it. They seem to think that avoidants are the way we are and we don't think anything is wrong with it.

Well, to be honest, I know that when someone starts getting too lovey dovey with me that I run for the hills. I say brutal things. I become a distant, non-communicative asshole. Here's the kicker though, I FUCKING HATE IT.

This last weekend I had the opportunity to have a sit down with a different ex girlfriend of mine. (by the way keeping ex-gf's around is a sign of being avoidant. As long as I have them in my life, or pine after them I'm avoiding my present opportunities or even sabotaging them. The more you know) The ex-gf I talked to and told her that I've recently figured out I have an attachment avoidant behavioural pattern looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Well, no shit." This is the Ex that I lived with for 8 months, and dated for almost 3 years.

Looking back at the relationship I see that she was an anxious type and I was avoidant. The fights we had were her trying to get me to show that I cared about her but were actually just pushing me away because I would automatically just think "We're fighting, this means we don't work."

Avoidants tend to believe in "the one" that will just work, and if anything goes wrong in a relationship they use that as an excuse to just fucking bail, like I did.

I guess I did learn a fair bit about myself and what behavioural patterns I use to avoid emotional commitments but like I said there was nothing in the book about how to overcome this shit. I still recommend that every single person should read it. Click on the picture below for details.

I'm still not entirely sure how I'm supposed to go about fixing this issue but at least now I've got my foot in the door and can work on it. I have a date this Thursday with someone new so perhaps I may be able to work on it actively instead of just in my head. I'm sure I'll write up a "Post date blinks" post after.

Till then,
Later days,