Friday, September 30, 2011

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Girl ... friends.

Today's "For Fuck's Sake Friday" is brought to you by grapes. Why because grapes are fucking confusing. Why are they so confusing, because they are so versatile.
Just look at that grapeyness... 
You can have frozen grapes as a nice refreshing summer afternoon snack. You can have seedless grapes, white grapes, or the regular kind. Then there is grape soda, grape juice, and if you leave grape juice long enough you can have wine. Then there are special types of wine like ice wine or champagne. What makes this so confusing? The fact that every single way you can eat a grape it tastes different. What the fuck is up with that?

Today's post may indeed be brought to you by grapes but that isn't what it is about.

Some "Life of an Anti-hero" update news because even if you aren't curious this is for posterity. I took the job offer to my current employer who agreed to match it if I stay. After a little deliberation and not getting a good feeling with going to the new place I've decided I'm going to stay here. The fact they matched it, I'm already settled here, and have a large amount of growth potential here, were the final deciding factors. Go me!! I also put in my two week notice at the restaurant. My co-worker wanted me to go into the restaurant and Sparta kick my manager in the genitals. I told him that would be rude and I might lose my shoe in the gaping hole that I'm sure has eaten it's fair share of wrist watches/firetrucks. I'm just kidding the manager at the restaurant is actually quite awesome and me quitting on the spot would cause some issues. I'm one of the stronger servers they have and without me scheduled they would be fucked. I hope they hire someone decent before I go. Italics are like whispers right? 

Now, onto the more important shit. Women.

Everyone remember Vino? No... For shame!!!!

Quick Recap: Vino is a girl I work with that is super smart, super cute, and up until about a month ago she wasn't single. We became friends and have had many three nights out for drinks. We have great conversation and I'm sure there is some degree of attraction... or at least I thought there was.

I hate reading too much into shit but when it comes to romance, love, and fornication you don't really have a choice. 

I'm pretty sure she likes me because she invites me out for drinks all the time and wants to hang out. She is flirty and coy at the same time. I catch her looking at me and smiling. She also put in her two weeks notice as soon as she found out I was quitting (literally within minutes). Almost sending a message that she was only working there so she could see me (she has a better job and only agreed to stay on at the restaurant one day a week). I could just be narcissistic about that though.

Then she does things that throw me off. She invited another guy out to join us last night then bailed early before we even made it out for drinks. Mind you she could have just been tired. So needless to say I was home before I was expecting to be.

I guess my biggest issue is that we started out as friends because she was in a relationship with someone else. Now that she is single, the dynamic has changed and I don't understand it. I don't know what she is looking for, and because of the way things work when it comes to sticking male parts inside female parts it isn't appropriate to ask. I guess I'll just have to take it as it comes. She invited me out for drinks tonight with her co-workers from her other job. I'll keep you informed as this story either develops or flops on its face.

There is also another girl that is on the go, sorta.

Rea, the ex girlfriend that broke up with me saying I was too good for her about 7 years ago has told me that I'm the one that got away. She regrets the last seven years and wishes she could go back and change what happened. I still love the girl, part of that unconditional love thing that I happen to believe in, but I have no idea if it would work. She also lives 6 hours away from here now. I'm planning on going to visit her in about 2 weeks and spending a whole weekend with her. I'll know more after that.

I have more to say about these things but my real job is being the bitchy wife and demanding that I pay more attention to her instead of my mistress the blog.

I'll tell you about tonight's drinks with Vino on Monday.

Later Days,

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday: Scrubs

I'm nervous.

It is Wednesday at lunch and I start my new job in 2 weeks. I haven't told the current job this though. I am going to have to quit this afternoon if I don't want to look like a douche bag.

I'm a wreck.

I spent Monday night trying to curl up and get comfortable in an Emergency waiting room chair, with a possible broken foot. I don't know if you knew this but it is impossible.

Side note: Whose idea was it to put the waiting rooms on the 4 am cleaning schedule. I don't ever want to here the fucking vacuum running at 4 am, never mind when I'm sitting in the ER. AND I know it doesn't take a fucking hour to vacuum you inconsiderate twat.

I'm not broken. After hours and hours of sitting in the ER they told me it wasn't broken. It still hurt like a bitch but it wasn't broken.

My visit to the hospital wasn't a total waste; I learned something. I'm illogically attracted to women in scrubs.

Seriously, there is no skin showing,  no clingy clothes,  yet I'm strangely aroused.
I need to date a nurse or an X-ray tech.

My mother is an X-ray Tech. I think my mother would forgive me for dating a heathen if she was an X-ray tech. This was the first X-ray I've ever had taken that wasn't done by my sadistic mother.

"Hold your shattered finger this way"
"I can't Mom, it hurts."
"Here let me,"
"Ow, Mom, It's not supposed to bend that way even if it wasn't broken."
"Yea well at least we'll get a good shot of the break."

Whereas this x-ray tech was nice, polite and fucking gorgeous. She had this nice perky little bum that her scrubs let bounce in the most perfect way. Better yet, she didn't make me move my foot into a position that hurt.

My main nurse was this petite red head with long hair. She was funny, had a nice smile, and knew what kind my shoes were right off the bat. (I like obscure brands) She had one turn off though. Her hair was too long.

Now you might say. "Holy fuck NtH you are way to picky."

To that I say, "I know, but I only want the best for my penis. I love it and it deserves the best. I mean, after all I've put it through, if I'm going to tell it that it only gets one vagina for the rest of its life it is gonna have to be a good one."

Her hair was down to her ass, while in a ponytail. I like long-ish hair. Mid back would be as long as I'd say is good. I think it has to do with the fact that I like variety. If a woman's hair is too long she can't do jack shit with it.

OK I admit it. I'm writing this rambling shit while I put off typing up a resignation letter.

Here is my first draft:

To whom it concerns,

Fuck you, pay me more so I don't have to work two jobs. I got a bitchen ass job offer downtown and unless you mother fuckers are going to beat the offer I have, I'm dropping this place like that one date I had that said she had herpes. 

Someone better than you deserve.

OK I'm not going to lie I edited the last letter I got from a girlfriend.

I think I'm going to have to do a couple more drafts. I'll tell you how it all goes on Friday.

Monday, September 26, 2011

My weekend Monday: Rip Van Winkle

Holy Shit I don't think I've slept that much in two days in my entire life.

Want to know what I did this weekend. I had a couple drinks with friends Friday evening after work then slept till 3 o'clock on Saturday. It wasn't even like I went to bed at a stupid time either, 2 am isn't bad. After I woke at 3 pm I went out for a nice quick little dinner and then went over to token's place with his girlfriend, ginger and junior and drank hot sake. Then Sat on the patio to watch the sunset. Quite beautiful I might say. Then junior invited some people over and we went and played drinking games at his place. Watched the usual suspects, which is an awesome movie, then went tried to sleep.

I awoke/rolled over Sunday at 5 am sweating worse than a whore in church. It is nearly October and it was 30 degrees Celsius here (86 f). Fucking hot any time of the year, at least for a Canadian. It is especially weird because the leaves are still changing color.

Anyway I woke up went home and passed out, to wake at 3 pm again. I spent more time sleeping than awake this weekend. I think I needed it. Friday's post was me at my worst, fucking exhausted. I so hope I get this job downtown. The more I think about it the more I think it makes sense. It is a lot of risk. I'll be forfeiting my benefits to go through another trial period. The time it will take before I can book a vacation will be reset. The usual things that happen when you start at a new company.

What will I be gaining. I'll be getting my life back. Now that I've slept myself back to normal functioning mental capacity I've been doing some thinking. I know scary shit.

The last four months can be summed up in a couple words. Work office job, then work waiting job, then sleep, repeat till weekend, then drink my face off and do something stupid. Repeat.

Things I haven't done that I usually enjoy doing.
-rock climbing
-hot springs
-go to the gym
-bike ride

Things I haven't done nearly often enough.
-clean my condo
-car maintenance
-grocery shop
-see a doctor
-see a dentist

This might come as a surprise to you but I used to be a normal functioning member of society. I was in a healthy relationship. I paid my taxes (shit, another thing I have to do before they find me) I went grocery shopping and did the things normal people are supposed to do. Then I became a student again, then I became an alcoholic student. Now that I'm done school I'm just an alcoholic. I've got myself into a rut of doing the same shit over and over again. Why, because it is fun.

Yes it is fun. The weekend long debauchery and rambunctious antics are fun.

I was watching a movie last week and there was a line in it that has gotten stuck in my head. At the time I didn't think much of it because well I was fucking exhausted. The movie is American History X. It is probably one of my all time favorite movies. The line is from the character Sweeney. He is talking to Ed Norton's character. It is the line that changes the direction Ed's character is going. It is the line that alters the hate Ed's character has towards everything.

"Has anything I've done made my life better."

To be honest I've done a whole schwack of things this summer, not one of them has done anything to make my life better. Sure I've got some great stories to tell, but the "great" aspect may be debatable depending on the intended audience. Shitting in a parasol isn't going to be something I'll be telling my 9 year old brother about at Christmas.

So, the thought process has brought me here. I will not be drinking except for special occasions. IE Junior's birthday in 2 weeks. I will be putting half of my tips from waiting into the bank instead of keeping them for entertainment/booze money. I am working the second job to help pay off some bills that added up while I was in school and I haven't been paying off the bills fast enough because I've been drinking the majority of my tips.

I am actually going to go grocery shopping this week and buy things for lunches and breakfast because eating out three meals a day is expensive.

I'm going to become relatively boring for the next month. I'm warning you.

I know I said I was going to be doing the online dating thing, but to be honest I don't have time, nor do I think that I am in any situation to actually date someone. My life is a mess. So until my life is relatively straightened out I'm not even going to be trying to date.

If everything goes according to plan, by my birthday, November 6th, I'll be back to somewhat normalcy.

I'll try and have a post for Wednesday, it might just be a story from my past. My blog fuck you if you don't like it.

Later Days,

Friday, September 23, 2011

For Fuck Sake's Friday: Emotional/exhausted.

For Fuck's Sake Friday.

Holy Fuck I'm tired. Between my sore ankle and working 2 jobs I'm feeling pretty fucking exhausted. The rewards are coming though.

I'm already way better off financially (not health wise, I'm falling apart on that side of it) than I was before I started the second job. Soon, like 3 more weeks, I'll be able to tell the restaurant industry to suck on my left nut and that is going to feel so good.

I have a small problem. What am I going to do with all that free time?

I'm thinking of gym membership. If I actually get into some decent shape the dating thing might be a little easier.

Dating. Definitely going to be doing more of that.

Write more. I haven't worked on my novel in probably 4 months. Not even opened the word document containing it. Ugh at this rate I'll finish it when I'm 60.

Go rock climbing. It is probably one of my favorite things to do and I haven't touched a cliff or rock all summer. This makes me feel really sad.

Shopping. It is going to be so nice to be financially able to go out and buy new clothes. Today I'm wearing a t-shirt that says "Lead me not unto temptation, I can find it myself" and it has about 5 holes in it in various places. I think I'm down to 4 shirts I can actually wear out in public and not feel self conscious that I look homeless.

On another note that still pertains to FFSF, Ex-girlfriends.

I'm one of those people that believes in unconditional love. Once I've fallen in love with someone, regardless of whether the relationship works out or not, I will love them till the day I die. This isn't normally problematic. The problem is when I find out that something shitty is happening to them or they choose to do something shitty.

I hadn't talked to the love of my life in a while and I'm not going to air her dirty laundry but she just messaged me with some shitty news and all I want to do is drive the three hours to see her and give her a hug. Every single time I talk to her I just want to throw everything away and go be a part of her life.

On top of that, the other girl that I've loved for a long time Rea, is finally getting her life on track and it makes me proud of her and I want to drive and give her a hug, too.

The problem I have with loving these women unconditionally is that no matter what happens in my life I'll always be there for them and right now... I can't. I just have to sit on the sidelines and watch.

I'm feeling pretty emotional today, I don't like it.

I wrote this a while ago, back when I actually tried to write poetry... I don't even know if this counts. I think it is considered free verse, but I'm not a poet so I don't know.

Almond eyes

Her scent still fills my nose slightly musky, purely feminine and entirely attractive, forever drawing me closer, bringing forth memories of rough hands still on soft skin, skin so cool and comforting, I still feel and taste her subtle lips on mine, completely banishing my thoughts and feelings, obliterating my reality, the feel of those same lips on my neck sending glacial chills down my spine, her weight still on me, the feeling of need as she nestles close, my skin still warm from her flesh on mine, fills me with bliss, the strongest still is the look in those almond eyes when she said “I love you”, those eyes pierced me to my very center, scarring my heart with the passionate love I felt for the special woman.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday: Road map.

I want to clarify something. I'm not a sociopath I never once thought seriously that I was. I just thought it amusing that if you were to judge me based only on my blog that it would seem that way.

I agree with the comments though. I think I'm just an amusing drunk, with a tendency to be a bit of an asshole.

On to today's post.

It is brought to you by Tough Choices™. For when you just aren't satisfied that your hardest decision is your choice of bagel in the morning. Tough Choices™ will come and ask the hard questions. "Give baby up for adoption, abortion or hide it in a dumpster?" or "Take the new job with less job security, more money, closer to home but less job potential?" Call now and we'll throw in an extra Tough Choice™. "Should you have sex with your girlfriend's hot younger sister?" For Free!!! Just for calling in now. 1-888-dont-call-this-number.

I fucking hate infomercials, but I love to make fun of them.

Seriously though, you know what would be nice. A road map to life. Not directions because as Natasha pointed out, I had the GPS voice lady telling me "left turn here and right turn in 50 meters. You have arrived at your destination." option before with the Mormons. Not a fan.

I like to plot my own route.

I want a map. So I can look and see ahead so when I choose to turn left onto "take girl home from the bar street" I'll know I'm going to end up in the part of town called "rehab for six months" I'd know that that was a wrong turn.

If I continue down the road I'm on right now I'll end up doing decent. It will be a lot of work with not a whole lot of free time. I enjoy this part of town. Kinda lonely and I'm mostly driving around roundabouts doing the same thing day in day out. Too busy to actually look for a better route.

However this all changed when someone built a big fucking arrow saying turn this way. I of course pulled over and asked where that particular side road would take me. It sounded interesting. So I went and drove down that way a bit and took a peak at where that road could lead. But since I don't have a fucking MAP, I'm forced to guess.

Yes the road will lead to shiny new opportunities and possibly more adventures. The road is hard to see where it is going to go. The first part looks all nice. There is new pavement and it seems like it could be a little bit better of a ride. There may be ups and downs further along and around a couple bends. Do I take the risk.

I'm just banging all the dents out of my Car/life from my last little bit of touring this town called my life. Do I want to risk getting more dents scrapes and possibly totally wreck.

So in case you weren't paying attention to the metaphor. I had a job interview yesterday and at the end of it they extended an informal job offer. The formal one will be coming some time next week. The pay will be way better than what I'm getting now. I could quit my second job. It will be closer to home I could walk to work instead of sitting in traffic for 2 hours a day. The only downside is there may or may not be a ton of growth potential there. In fact during slow times I could get my full time hours cut down to less than thirty a week, which money wise would equal what I'm making now... sadly. I guess it boils down to security. I have a decent job that I enjoy but doesn't pay well. Do I sacrifice the security for a chance at more money and more free time?

I have yet to tell my current employers (who don't even know I have a second job). I am trying to decide if I want to give them the option of countering with a pay raise. I have no idea how to go about broaching that topic.

"Hey, so I got a job offer downtown and they are going to pay me X amount, I like it here though and am willing to give you guys the option to counter offer. It would have to be more than X though because of distance and travel to and from work."

I don't know what to do. I've been told that job hopping is a bad thing to do. It starts to make employers look at you funny.

As far as the dating front is right now I'm a little bit too busy working to actually put the time and effort into finding dates. (Never mind POF is wack) So taking the new job would work out better on that front as well. Regardless as to how this turns out I'm looking forward to quitting the second job.

I am in dire need of some advice.

Later Days,

Monday, September 19, 2011

My weekend Monday: ASPD...

My weekend Monday: ASPD...

First my weekend was very quiet for me. I mean "VERY" quiet.


After work on friday I was supposed to go to something called the Decentralized Dance Party. Which looked like a ton of fun. Basically a party with a DJ that just roams the streets and everyone dances and acts like an idiot. Would be perfect for me right?

I wouldn't know. I never made it there. I go over to Vegas's place and between to 2 of us we managed to finish a decent sized bottle of Kraken rum.
In an hour...
We were solidly drunk. Not wasted but enough that walking anywhere was going to result in an adventure. I body slammed Vegas into a big pile of boxes. There was a friend of Vegas's that was out with us. I picked him up and put him in a very large potted plant.

We went and played on a playground/jungle gym thing. I sprained my ankle.

End of night.

I awoke Saturday morning and did my morning stretch. I subsequently cried out in pain and if my pillow had feelings it wouldn't want to be friends anymore. I bit it. I actually thought I may have broken something.

Eventually I got to a point that I was able to hobble around. Instead of going to the hospital I went to work. Working on a Saturday? Yes I needed to make up some hours so that I could have Tuesday morning off to go to a job interview that has the potential to be a dream job.

After working for a couple hours I left. I went to Vegas's place; we ate Pho. I love Pho. If you don't know what Pho is... get some culture.

We watched a half season of Sons of Anarchy. Which if you haven't seen, you should.

I then hobbled home and went to sleep.

Sunday I got a haircut.

Then I went for dinner with some friends. Where the topic of ASPD came up.

ASPD is Anti-social personality disorder. (sociopathic tendencies)

Antisocial Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
  • failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
  • deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
  • impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
  • irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
  • reckless disregard for safety of self or others; .
  • consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
  • lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.
As much as 4% of the population may have this disorder, and you'd never know it.

If they have a decent level of intelligence, they fully recognize that certain acts are illegal or looked down upon by others, and, since that only makes trouble for themselves, they avoid those things. In other words, most antisocials are rational.

Lets take a look at some of these traits/symptoms/red flags.

First one: failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;

Umm... Parasol and bribing a homeless guy. If those don't bring up the right memories go back and read about my summer.

Second one: deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;

I use an alias every time I post on here but I don't think that is what they are talking about. This one I don't think applies to me. 

Third one: impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;

Yea I'm not even going to try and pretend that this doesn't apply to me. If it did my finances would be a hell of a lot better and I wouldn't have to be working two jobs. 

Forth one: irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;

I've only been in 2 fights this year; that doesn't count, does it?

Fifth one: reckless disregard for safety of self or others.

I was playing in traffic last week, I sprained my ankle this week. I picked up a person and put them in potted plant. 

Sixth one: consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;

I have to work a second job to make ends meet. My credit rating sucks enough ass it could work as a colon cleanser. 

Seventh one: lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Lack of remorse... I don't think I've ever felt bad. Of course I've never actually seriously hurt someone that didn't deserve it but that could just be rationalizing it. 

The last thing that may be my saving grace. I'm usually drunk whenever I show any or all of these traits. That could either be because when I'm sober I'm more rational and logical about the decisions I make, or I am just a drunk. I've been told by many people I lack empathy even when I'm sober. Which is the ultimate trait. 

In any case I've had too much time to sit and think about things. I need to keep myself busier. 

So what if I am a functioning sociopath. I have friends and family who understand me. I can feel love and be loved. This is where it gets tricky some sources say that people with ASPD can't feel love and others say they can. There is a sub-class in ASPD called dis-social personality disorder. Which is like a step down from the insane side of the spectrum and into the more normal functioning side of it. I guess it is possible I have that. Worse there is no treatment for it.

I really don't know, I'm not a psychologist. My friend that I went out to dinner with is and she thinks I show several of the traits. 

What do you think? Am I a sociopath or am I just a rambunctious?  I think I'm just rambunctious. (fucking rationalization being one of the traits... I can't fucking win.) 

I'm having a bad day. 

Later Days,

Friday, September 16, 2011

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Day off.

Oi cock off, jog on and fuck you. (said in my very best Scottish accent)

Why am I cursing like a brit? well because I'm not here today I took the day off. Sort of.

I am a guest over at a friends blog. She is Soph, and she is awesome. She says we can't be together because she wants to push watermelon sized objects out of her Vagina and I think that is a crime. I still wouldn't mind a tussle in the sheets and I don't even know what she looks like. I'm sexually attracted to her mind. Now that takes talent. She does some very amusing things on her blog.

She asked me to guest post so I did. You can find it here. While you're over there take a look at some of the older posts she has. There is some gut wrenchingly funny shit.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What the fuck Wednesday: What the fuck do I want?

I want to start this by saying that I absolutely love your comments and appreciate every single one of them. I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple months strictly by writing these posts and interacting with all of you.

I'm going to take a page from my friend Kelly over at My Joy Project. She was dating and wasn't getting a whole lot of success. Then she sat down and wrote out what she wanted from a significant other and not only that but what she was willing to give them as well. I think my lack of ability to actually decide whether I wanted to date the hippie again. (she is the furthest thing from a hippie but whatever, the name is stuck)

So without further delay.

What I want from a woman.
  • intelligence, I think this is by far the most important thing. 
  • knowledge, this is something that came up on the date. I don't want to have to explain everything. In fact I'd like to learn from her. 
  • to be attracted to her. This is pretty self explanatory. 
  • her to be passionate, about anything. 
  • her to have life goals, generally just progressing throw life
  • a sense of humor
  • love
  • trust
  • respect
  • all the usual stuff that comes from a healthy relationship
  • her to not want children
I'm going to take a minute and explain that last one. Apparently I'm getting to the age where the women I'm going to be dating want babies. They want the house, the picket fence and babies. 10 thousand babies. I didn't think wanting to squeeze something the size of a small watermelon out of the vagina was such a popular thing. I like vaginae (weird plural form) and I think that putting a watermelon sized object through them is a terrible idea. 

That is just the beginning of it. Then the watermelon decides that for the next 2 years of it's life it is going to eat and shit and eat and shit and cry. It is completely helpless, incurs massive amount of stress on the parents, lessening their lives by about 10 years. It is an actual statistic. People without children also retire on average 5-10 years earlier as well. That means you're retirement is actually 20 years longer than those with children. Weird that those kids stay around for roughly 20 years isn't it. 

There a multiple reasons that I don't want children. The first and foremost being, that I would actually have to be that parent in Red Lobster that is whisper-yelling at my child that it is inappropriate to take all the lobsters out of the tank and put them in women's purses while they are waiting for tables. Let's be honest here, if my 
kid were to inherit any personality traits from me, I would die of a heart attack by the time the kid turned 5. 

Some people say that not wanting to have children is selfish. I disagree. The world is a shitty place these days and bringing a child into it is probably a little sadistic. Me not wanting to expose a life to the world that is going down the crap shoot  is selfless. 

Now for what I want to give a woman. 
  • devotion
  • orgasms
  • companionship
  • laughter
  • friendship
  • more orgasms
  • support
  • fun
  • adventure
  • love
  • respect
  • trust
I'm sure there is more to the list than that but I'm writing this quickly because I have lots of work to do. 

I don't think that I can be with someone without being able to give them what I want to give them and have them have the qualities that I am looking for. 

I guess after making this list that the hippie chick doesn't meet the requirements. On a more positive note. Vino asked me out for drinks on Thursday, AKA tomorrow. I'll keep you posted on that development.

Later Days,

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Post Date Blinks: First edition.

Oh look a new category for a blog post.

Tonight I just went on my very first date resulting from meeting on an online dating site. I don't know if it is because I haven't actually had to do the post date thought blitz where I sit and gaze at nothing in particular and go over the date again in my head while,   (blinking not nearly often enough so you become aware you aren't blinking enough), but I am struggling to come to a conclusion on this. Should I be deciding right now? I don't know, I'm new at this.

What is the "this" I'm talking about? Whether I want to see her again or not.

So I'm going to write it out and take you on the journey if you don't like it I don't care. My Blog. So just so you know this is first reaction decision making. I haven't had a couple hours to really figure this out. You are getting stream of conciousness style decision making. I ask for forgiveness for rambling in advance.

The positives, yea I'll start with the positives.

She was a good excellent conversationalist. She was articulate and able to keep up for the most part.  She was curious. The topic of space came up because she just finished a book (She reads: awesome) about the hubble space telescope, she didn't know it wasn't in service anymore but she liked the stuff they learned and the pictures it took. The conversation progressed to size of the universe and eventually me explaining the theory of gravitational collapse explaining the cyclical nature of the universe. She was enthralled. There was roughly three hours of this type of conversation, be it about movies, comedians or the important stuff. I wasn't bored for sure, but I ended up doing the majority of the talking and I didn't really like that but it wasn't completely one sided.

We talked about life as  it is, I told her that I work two jobs. Explained my career, my education, so on and so forth. I learned that she works as a quality assurance person for a bank. Does this mean numbers? No. Sadly it means she makes sure the banks rules are followed. Not the technical side of it. No she checks to make sure they have the right brochures out. Makes sure that they have the correct addresses for the new clients. She works on the corporate side of banking. Now I'm sure this position may be higher then teller, but I'm almost positive that there wasn't a post secondary degree or diploma hanging on the wall of her office.

Now I'm not saying that the lack of education is a deal breaker because it isn't. I've dated some remarkably intelligent women that haven't went to school. This wasn't the only glaring example she gave of lack of knowledge, not intellect she had intellect, no she lacked knowledge. She didn't know how an to make a magnet out of wire iron and current. She didn't know how to change her oil, and had to learn the hard way how to check her oil (she overfilled it). I'm not saying she was stupid, far from it. I didn't have to explain one word I used. I had to tell her that "light year" was a measure of distance not time, She asked for the number of kilometers... I just gave reference to the amount of time it takes light to get to earth from the sun. This was when the enormity of the universe collapsed on her brain and she told me I make her think and she likes it.

She wasn't as attractive as I was expecting her to be from her photos but I've been told that is what I should expect. She wasn't unattractive but I'm not entirely sure she gets me going.

On top of this she wants children which is something that I don't necessarily want but I'm only firm on that, not necessarily written in stone. It may at some point in my life be negotiable.

The way this is sounding I shouldn't be going on another date with her. I've been asked now a couple times by friends and family how the date went. I answered with a "Meh". We had a great deal in common, I had fun, I was sad it was over so soon, but apparently that is normal for her. The date ended at 11. I know that is late but it is a Saturday. The pub we were at turned into a bit of a party place which was part of my plan but I knew without asking she wasn't a party kind of girl so I suggested that we retire to a different location, but because we weren't in my neighborhood I left the next location for her to decide ( we were in hers), she couldn't come up with anything and when she saw what time it was she said she had to be up for yoga in "oh gosh, eight hours"

The more I write this out the more I find I was disappointed in this date.

She was very enamored with me I will say. She couldn't stop touching me, and was very happy when I put my arm around her for a photo the bar wanted to take of us for it's Facebook page. She also spent about 90% of the evening smiling ear to ear. I know she thinks it was a good date, because I did genuinely enjoy myself but I don't know if it was enough to earn another date.

I don't know if she can redeem herself, or if I should give her a second chance.

This being said, I have one girl that hasn't responded to my message from 3 days ago so I'm going to guess that that one is out of the picture, but have received a message from probably the best looking girl to message me yet so I have responding to that message to do and actually start messaging the ones that I find attractive and interesting.

I hate to say it but I'm going to put this in the "If I have nothing better to do I'll give her another chance". I sound like an asshole for that. If I have nothing planned for the weekend by Thursday I'll be asking her to go out again. (this being said I rarely have anything planned until after work and I have a beer in my hand, Friday.)

I'll keep you posted.

Later Days,

Friday, September 9, 2011

For Fuck Sakes Friday. I hate you Token.

I get a text "Patio?" it's ridiculously hot outside so there is really only one possible reply.

I awoke this morning to my sister saying "Your alarm has been going off for an hour and half." This translates to her waking me up roughly when I should be walking through the doors of my office. I'm lucky I have an understanding boss.

Fuck you Token, never again on a week night.

However, last night while wandering around trying to get home me and Token had a great conversation. I learned something about myself. I'm an alcoholic. I have a pet peeve.

I don't like it when people second guess my decisions. It translates to them not trusting me. If you respect me you should trust me. In order to be my friend you should respect me. This has nothing to do with Token. I know he respects me and the only thing he second guessed me on last night was playing in traffic. Probably a good call on his part.

New Topic.

So I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have a date on Saturday. My very first one resulting from an online dating site. I'm nervous, and that is weird for me. Wanna know what makes me nervous? I have no idea what her voice sounds like. I know, weird thing to worry about. What if she sounds like a female mickey mouse? I guess I'll have to just roll with the punches.

It is the hippie that i'm going out with on Saturday. I haven't figured out what we are going to do yet. I think it should just be a coffee to start and have a plan for when/if we actually want to spend longer than 30 minutes together.

A trip to the zoo. A walk through the park. A museum. An art gallery. There are any number of things that we can do. I'll think of something.

New Topic.

If you follow me on twitter you'll have a little bit of insight into this next little bit.

Do you remember the ex-girlfriend I mentioned before that said I was too perfect, then dated an abusive piece of shit for 6 years?

Just over a year ago we were still friends. She wanted to leave him and tried several times, only to turn around and go right back to him. I gave her an ultimatum, she knows what will make her happy and is on her way to accomplishing this by my birthday. Needless to say my birthday came and went without her saying anything. I finally gave up. I cut all ties. I removed her from my life and I from hers. I had lost all respect for her.

I get a message from her on Wednesday telling me that she has left the waste of flesh for good. She tells me that she is moving back to BC to live with her parents and all of her stuff is already out of the house and that the sack of wasted semen doesn't even know she is gone yet. She is doing the complete cut off method. Deleted from the phone, from Facebook, everything.

She was wondering if I would ever talk to her again. I responded by telling her I was just waiting for her to find some self respect. She said she found it. I'm proud of her.

She wants to see me before she leaves so we go out for drinks and split a burger. (it was a fuck off big burger) After that we end up at my place where we cuddle like old times and well you know. One thing leads to another then I give her a ride home.

How can I sleep with her after not talking to her for a year? With a lot of thought before hand actually. I wanted her to feel loved and appreciated at least once before she went back to BC. I wanted her to feel as beautiful and wanted as she is. Mostly I wanted to show her that life without that useless abscess on a donkey's asshole is actually kinda awesome.

My biggest concern was I didn't want to take advantage of her. I'm pretty sure she took advantage of me. She said she came more that night than she had in the last 6 years. Me only once.

This wasn't mad passionate monkey sex, this was the slow deep gazes into eyes sex. There was passion, but it was smoldering. It was good awesome sex.

I would love to be a part of her life again. I want to see her rise up to her full potential as a powerful gorgeous woman. That is the only thing that sucks. She now lives 6 hours away.

Here's to you Rea, I'm so proud of you.

Later Days,

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday. This is working out.

Other than My complete and utter lack of keeping my word about staying sober, (To be honest I never said completely sober. I was supposed to find that happy balance, so far I've failed) other things have happened as well.

It has been an interesting week in the dating world. Err... prospective dating world.

Vino; no matter how much it sucks that relationships end, hers did. I am ... I am perplexed that my vocabulary is failing me at this moment. Of course I am trying to describe a feeling that isn't my usual hungry, tired, drunk or hungover so it really isn't that surprising. Anyway Vino is single "Yay!!" but is going through a tough little bit of getting kicked out of her house and all that jazz, "poo". I have no idea if this is going to go anywhere or anything like that, but I can hope.

Now as for the Plenty of fish profile. The entire time I've had a POF profile, 5 years,  I've gotten one message and that was from a 30 year old Sea Dragon (I was 23) that lived at mommy and daddies and worked at a dollar store. That is until last week. Now, I've received messages from 2 attractive women, completely unsolicited. I didn't know women actually sent first messages on dating sites. Imagine what is going to happen when I actually message women.

First and foremost is "hippie" I call her that because in her profile she talks about sustainable resources and crap like that. I work in oil and gas and drive an SUV. Meh, she says it isn't "that" important to her. We'll see. Waiting on message back from her.

Second, is a message I just got this morning. She is a journalist that likes to travel. I haven't sent her a message back yet. I already know she doesn't like peanut butter so I'm not sure if it is going to work. <;-\

So far everything is going better than expected.

I do have some questions that maybe you guys can answer.

I hate communicating by text/email/phone I'm more of in person type, so when is it appropriate to suggest meeting for coffee?

I have issues conveying my awesomeness via messages because I'm always holding back a little bit of my "large personality" How much should I hold back? I'm afraid whomever I am messaging isn't going to understand I'm joking, or misconstrue my message to mean something else. After all, if there is ever a break down in communication it is when dating.

Later Days,

PS. <;-\ is the coolest emoticon ever. It is my "winking long nosed Asian stroke victim" use it whenever you can.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Hung over Monday: I suck at sober edition.

Well here I am on a Tuesday doing a hung over Monday post that I said I would never do again. I do understand how much "fail" is now painted on my forehead. (a lot)

Why is this post titled hung over Monday, especially when I could just title it my weekend Monday and might get away with none of you readers calling me out? Well because I know you, and you'd call me out.

Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

To be honest Friday I felt sick. I was running a fever and probably should have been home in bed. I wasn't. Vino, the chick from before, invited me out for a drink at the other bar she works at. I happen to love this bar.

The bar was dead. By 11:30 I was the only customer left on the upper level. Yea, I know jumping place. That was OK though. I got to spend a lot of time with Vino. We were then invited out to an after party with a bunch of the staff from the bar. We sat around and chatted debated and generally had a good time.

I woke up in a strange place, all alone, on a hide-a-bed. (this right here is why you'd call me out on the title.)

It was OK. I was just at the house where the after party was. Did I mention it was also 2 in the afternoon?

Oh I also couldn't find my phone.

I did say I wasn't going to drink right? Yeah, the plan wasn't to get drunk because I was sick and was just going to stop by, say hi to Vino, have one beer, then go home to bed. I suck at sober.


After waking up on Saturday in a strange place. I went home where I watched an episode of "Breaking Bad".

On a side note, you know how hard it is to keep up with TV when you work two jobs and have a drinking problem?

After I finished the episode of breaking bad I fell asleep, till around 7 pm. I had my phone by this point and was trying to decide how to go about getting back to all the people that had messaged me. I said fuck it I'll text them all back at once, completely ignoring all previous texts.

"What doing?"

What I think is disconcerting is no one really asked where I was for the last day. Everyone just continued on as if this was normal.

It turns out it was Ginger's birthday weekend. I'm a terrible friend because I didn't know this.

After I get up out of bed and got some food I head over to Token and Ginger's place. Where we played drinking games. Eventually everyone decides it is time to go out. I wasn't planning on this so I'm dressed like a homeless guy. I could have rocked the hipster look but decided to borrow some of Token's clothes. They were too small but I was going to rock it anyway.

We arrive at the night club and Junior doesn't have his ID. So he isn't going in. I wasn't feeling it so I left with him. We go back to his place to watch a movie. I was asleep within about 20 minutes.

Sunday... Oh Sunday funday I love long weekends just for this very reason.

Ginger, Token, Junior and I all decide that it is going to be a day of shooting the shit out of each other. So we wake up go out to a neighboring town and play some paintball. So much fun.

NTH, Junior, Token

Because it was Ginger's Birthday we got a whole bunch of people together and made him run while everyone shot at him. It was glorious.

Those would be the resulting welts.

There were also free hot dogs. I think the paintball place lost money on us. 

After we went paint balling we went and sat on a patio to drink. Ginger went home and cried himself to sleep because he was being a little cry baby and being all tired and shit. We decided to celebrate his birthday without him. 

The rest of the evening was filled me me doing the "shuffle" from party rock anthem, no where near the dance floor. I suck at sober, but I'm awesome Drunk. 

I probably said hi to every single girl that was at the bar, twice. 

I got a couple girls numbers. However because I was a little intoxicated. I am missing 2 digits from one of them. The other I've been texting and I'll keep you posted as to where that goes. 


 I had Pho, or Vietnamese noodle soup for lunch. Best hang over food ever by the way. Then worked my other job went home and had probably the worst sleep ever. 

I'll write a post about my dating profile tomorrow for What the Fuck Wednesdays. 

As for now. 

Later days.

PS. I'm proud that I didn't do anything illegal all weekend.

PPS. Oh yea, there was a drunk tweet I sent and I have no recollection or context. "If you can dodge a car you can dodge anal sex."

Friday, September 2, 2011

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Photo Session.

 I chose to do the text part of my dating profile first because FFSF better suits the selection of my dating profile pictures.

Without further delay For Fuck's Sake why can't I have a decent picture taken of me.

Photoshop out the flower?
Photo #1
Snowboarding in Revelstoke Awesome trip

Photo #2
Grinning like an idiot.
Drinking beer in front of a sunset
Photo #4
After jumping out of a plane.
Photo #5
Crop out the geek.
Photo #6
Weird Expression....
Photo #7
Crop out the chick. Run with the goofiness?
Photo #8
Photo #9
Hiking in Banff.
Photo #10
Mmmm Reuben Sandwich.
Photo #11
Pre jumping out of a plane.
Photo # 12
Drunk on my birthday.
Photo # 13
I fucking love triscuits.
Photo # 14
Random Bar Photo.
Photo # 15
Chicken Wings.
Photo # 16
My tongue is stuck to a giant Kokanee beer can.
Photo #17
My hair does awesome things.
Photo # 18
My sweater shrank.
Photo # 19
Photo #20
I may not always have a beard but when I do I look Rugged.
Photo #21

Me just chillen in the snow.
Photo #22
I don't know...
Photo # 23
Rugged in the snow.
Photo # 24

Smiling in the Snow.
Photo# 25

I look Classy when I'm confused.
Photo # 26

That is officially all the photos I have of me. I know, extensive right? Now that I have them all in one place. I don't think I actually photograph that bad. Definitely not good, but I've seen worse photos of me. I'm also fairly positive you are sick of looking at me. 

The poll is to the right. Feel free to vote for multiple pictures as well because I am going to need more than one.

For Fuck's Sake, Be kind.

Later Days, 

PS. Oh yea I found some more winners for us all to cringe at.
Sideways pictures are slimming right? Sneering is also a good look right?

 Things that make me look cooler than I am?
Duck face. Check
Gangster peace sign. Check
Sunglasses inside. Check.
Picture of myself in a bathroom mirror. Check.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Interlude Thursday: First new draft.

OK people I have my first new draft of my dating profile. I don't know how I feel about it, and because I know how awesome my readers are I'm going to get you to criticize it... again. I suck at this, and selling Jesus door to door was easier.


I'm not your average guy.

I have a dark, twisted and sarcastic sense of humor.
I like using expletives to express my deeper feelings... like nausea and hunger.

I have a wide and varied taste in just about everything.
-Be it food; I love breakfast, lunch and dinner. (I make a good spinach stuffed chicken with red pepper sauce)
-Wine, red, white or rose, all good but I prefer a good Pinot Noir.
-Beer, anything but the cheap stuff, "Innis and Gunn" would be at the top of the list though.
-Theater, if I can watch it I will; strippers, Mozart, musicals, Shakespeare, or Cineplex. (I'm going to combine all of those one day and it will be epic)
The trend carries through sports, books, television, music or conversation.

I love to laugh. I'll laugh at just about anything; whether it is knock knock jokes or a stand up comedian.

I love adventure, whether it is skydiving, rock climbing, road trips, travel or just a night out on the town or trip to the park that turns into something more.

I've had a pretty interesting life so far, and it isn't over yet. I'm looking for someone to join me on my adventures. I need a Chewbacca for my Han Solo... that is a terrible metaphor. How about a Cleopatra for my Anthony? Wait, that doesn't end well for them. Screw it I need some jelly for my peanut butter. Mmm pb&j sandwhiches...

My favorite things
Laughing till I can't breathe
Sharing Chocolate truffles
The feeling I get in my stomach on roller coasters or when I'm up really high.
Reading and writing.
Having someone special fall asleep in my arms

Favorite quote: "In a universe so full of wonder and amazing things, humans have managed to invent boredom." Terry Pratchett as DEATH.

If you're interested in getting to know me a little more feel free to send me a message.


Again do your worst or I'm going to have to bust out the more "unfortunate" looking woman I'll be forced to date.