Friday, September 23, 2011

For Fuck Sake's Friday: Emotional/exhausted.

For Fuck's Sake Friday.

Holy Fuck I'm tired. Between my sore ankle and working 2 jobs I'm feeling pretty fucking exhausted. The rewards are coming though.

I'm already way better off financially (not health wise, I'm falling apart on that side of it) than I was before I started the second job. Soon, like 3 more weeks, I'll be able to tell the restaurant industry to suck on my left nut and that is going to feel so good.

I have a small problem. What am I going to do with all that free time?

I'm thinking of gym membership. If I actually get into some decent shape the dating thing might be a little easier.

Dating. Definitely going to be doing more of that.

Write more. I haven't worked on my novel in probably 4 months. Not even opened the word document containing it. Ugh at this rate I'll finish it when I'm 60.

Go rock climbing. It is probably one of my favorite things to do and I haven't touched a cliff or rock all summer. This makes me feel really sad.

Shopping. It is going to be so nice to be financially able to go out and buy new clothes. Today I'm wearing a t-shirt that says "Lead me not unto temptation, I can find it myself" and it has about 5 holes in it in various places. I think I'm down to 4 shirts I can actually wear out in public and not feel self conscious that I look homeless.

On another note that still pertains to FFSF, Ex-girlfriends.

I'm one of those people that believes in unconditional love. Once I've fallen in love with someone, regardless of whether the relationship works out or not, I will love them till the day I die. This isn't normally problematic. The problem is when I find out that something shitty is happening to them or they choose to do something shitty.

I hadn't talked to the love of my life in a while and I'm not going to air her dirty laundry but she just messaged me with some shitty news and all I want to do is drive the three hours to see her and give her a hug. Every single time I talk to her I just want to throw everything away and go be a part of her life.

On top of that, the other girl that I've loved for a long time Rea, is finally getting her life on track and it makes me proud of her and I want to drive and give her a hug, too.

The problem I have with loving these women unconditionally is that no matter what happens in my life I'll always be there for them and right now... I can't. I just have to sit on the sidelines and watch.

I'm feeling pretty emotional today, I don't like it.

I wrote this a while ago, back when I actually tried to write poetry... I don't even know if this counts. I think it is considered free verse, but I'm not a poet so I don't know.

Almond eyes

Her scent still fills my nose slightly musky, purely feminine and entirely attractive, forever drawing me closer, bringing forth memories of rough hands still on soft skin, skin so cool and comforting, I still feel and taste her subtle lips on mine, completely banishing my thoughts and feelings, obliterating my reality, the feel of those same lips on my neck sending glacial chills down my spine, her weight still on me, the feeling of need as she nestles close, my skin still warm from her flesh on mine, fills me with bliss, the strongest still is the look in those almond eyes when she said “I love you”, those eyes pierced me to my very center, scarring my heart with the passionate love I felt for the special woman.


  1. Damn... who are you and what did you do with Hero?

  2. Maybe do some yoga in your free time? It will help balance your neuroses, and get you back into zen mode.

  3. Sounds like you are making some serious good progress and that is awesome. Each step closer taking you to where you want to be is a victory in itself. No shame in making good decisions. As for the unconditional love thing, I have never known it besides with my daughter and I sometimes feel like it's only one way, me to her, as she seems to love or hate me depending on my most recent decision on her snack/tv/recreation choice.

  4. Hang in there, Hero. The end is in sight. Hope you make there in one piece. Question for you and the other boys...why is the left nut that you invite people to suck? How come the right one never gets offered? Just wondering. *hugs* my little faux-brother.


My frail ego requires validation.