Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Taking a Holiday Break.

I have at least two pieces of news for you today.

I pulled a booger out of my nose that was so long it actually triggered my gag reflex but cured the tickle that was making me cough.

I am also going to be taking a break from posting till probably the new year. I am going to be super busy at work till the 23rd then I'm off on a mini vacation till the second. I have a busy holiday planned. I drive to my aunts place on the 24th and spend the night then back to Calgary for the night of the 25th then I go to the mountains for a week with the family to snowboard and just relax. I'm looking forward to it. I promise I'll come back and write a whole bunch of cool things. I may even have pictures.

Till then I want to say happy holidays and I hope that all of your respective celebrations bring you lots of joy, smiles, laughter and a sense of love. It is a fantastic time of year and I appreciate each and every one of you that reads my blog, you help keep me sane. Well mostly I guess.

I almost forgot, since I wont see you before, Happy New years as well.

Later days,

This is what I get to look at for the next little bit.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday: Picky Eaters.

Welcome to this weeks edition of WTFW. I'm going to be talking about picky eaters.

There is only one thing I absolutely cannot eat, and that is Coconut. I'm allergic to it. 

There is another thing I don't like to eat, and that would be cooked green beans. Raw green beans I can't get enough of, but the moment you cook them I can't stand em. Weird I know but I'm pretty sure it is a texture thing. 

My mother is a notoriously terrible cook. I never realized this growing up because, well, exposure to food that wasn't cooked by my mother was limited. She would almost cook the green beans to mush, then add butter to them. So I was forced to eat slimy, mushy, green beans. When I mean forced, I mean forced. I wasn't allowed to leave the table till I ate them. When I was about 12 years old I dug in my heals and slept at the kitchen table. I didn't have to eat them after that. 

However, this being said, now that I'm older. If I'm out for dinner and green beans are served I will eat them. I won't enjoy them, but I will eat them. 

One of the things I discovered when I moved away from home was the fantastic foods I'd been missing out on my whole life. Different ethnic foods that I hadn't previously been exposed to are fantastic and that brings me to my point. 

I have dated a couple of picky eaters in my life and deep down inside it bothered me. 

The Doctor is the most recent example of it, partly because of an allergy but I can forgive her for that. She didn't like vegetables and was allergic to wheat. This meant she would eat lettuce, meat, and gluten free carbohydrates. This meant that eating out with her turned into an adventure, never mind trying to cook her a meal. One of my favorite things to do with a girl I'm dating. 

Then there is Junior, he doesn't like vegetables either. So trying to cook a meal for the two of us doesn't work well either. How can you hate an entire food group? Carrots don't taste the same as a green pepper, or brussel sprouts so saying "Oh, I don't like vegetables." is ignorant as fuck.

I grew up with a picky eater as well, my older sister is remarkably picky. Not so much now that she is older and isn't eating my mothers terrible cooking but still picky. 

I don't know what exactly it is that bothers me about picky eaters. Maybe it is the fact that there are people in the world that would kill to eat some of the things that these people flat out refuse to eat and end up throwing out. It could be a symbol for other things in life. If you are picky about what you eat are you just as picky when it comes to things your willing to experience. It could be that I worked at a chef for years and hated modified orders. If you don't like something in the meal don't order it.

When it comes to dating women, I don't think I could date a picky eater. I'm not saying one or two things that they don't like but when there is a list of things, I begin to have an issue with it. What the Fuck is wrong with trying new things? You've got one life to live so why not experience it. This goes for eating new things, trying new activities, and trying new things in the bed room. Without an adventurous attitude I'm afraid life is just too boring for me. So if the woman I'm dating isn't adventurous either, I'm afraid that I'm going to find her boring as well. 

So shut the fuck up, eat the meal the way it is prepared, stop worrying about what you don't like and start worrying about the things you haven't experienced yet. If that doesn't work think about this kid next time you stick your tongue out and make a face at what is placed in front of you.

Son I am disappoint!

Later Days and happy eating,

Monday, December 12, 2011

Quick Update.

I know it's Monday so technically I owe you a "My weekend Monday" post or even a "Hungover Monday" post but this is going to be a little bit more than that.

As my more frequent readers know I've started going in a New Direction, it involved not drinking and losing weight. Well this last week was a non-starter. There were some issues with rule clarifications and eventually a fed up NtH and Token went out and got hammered drunk on Thursday. Which led to me taking Friday off of work then ended up seeing the inside of the Calgary police administration building's holding cells. Don't worry they were completely unrelated events.

I found out I had a warrant out for my arrest for an unpaid transit fine some evil shit. I voluntarily turned my self in and paid the fine. I was going to have to take time off work to do this anyway so Friday was a perfect opportunity to clear my record.

Since the Challenge was postponed everyone involved went out on Saturday to watch the hockey game and have a round of beer before the actual challenge started today.

This is what the beer was served in.
It's called a Tower.
(that's Ginger's ugly mug)

This isn't to say that I wasn't already going to the gym last week because I was. It just means we start over and no one gets their head shaved... yet.

I have been rock climbing more than ever and I can honestly say that I missed it. Wow am I out of shape though. I have no stamina in my hand strength anymore. The skill is still there but I can only climb for about 30 minutes before my hands no longer obey me when I tell them not to let me fall off of the rocks.

On a side note, when Token and I went out on Thursday I met a new girl. Now don't get excited, she is moving away in January for 4 months, so nothing is going to come of it. I must have the worst luck when it comes to women. She was a good kisser though.

My "Family" dinner was last night as well. It is a weekly dinner party my sisters put on. Last night was turkey dinner, it tasted fantastic but when dinner was over I began losing touch with reality. I felt super tired and couldn't form proper thoughts or maintain conversations. Kinda scary, so I left, drove home, (I know I'm smart like that) and promptly fell asleep. I hope being over tired was all it was cause I felt really weird and hadn't experienced that before.

Anyway I think that is all that has happened in the last week.

Later Days,

Thursday, December 8, 2011


(This was originally published back in February before I changed my blog to its current state. I enjoyed rereading it and hope you do too.)

I love to dream.

I don't mean dream dreams, like you get when you're asleep, because let us be honest here, mine rarely make sense. I have a recurring dream where I am Marty McFly from back to the future, and I am fighting terrorists armed with assault rifles and grenade launchers and all I have for a weapon is a giant fly swatter. So no I'm not talking about sleepy time dreams. I'm going to talk about fantasies (except I don't like that word because it has the connotation of sex in there, as in only sex, my fantasies have more than just sex).

So dreams are usually things that are lofty 'out of this world' type things. Like I would love to have sex with Katy Perry but I don't think that is going to happen or I'd love to missile kick Sarah Palin in the ovaries, but I don't think that is going to happen either. So I usually set my dreams somewhere closer to the ground. 

Like I wouldn't mind getting involved in a gun battle as I'm walking down the street.

I'd be walking down the street listening to my music kind of doing a dance, like the dance scene from Spiderman 3.

All of a sudden a car explodes in front me sending me for cover hiding behind a wheelchair access ramp, and then there is SWAT everywhere. One of them throws me a vest and gun then says "You've just been deputized". Followed is an epic gun battle between us and the unknown enemy. I end up flanking the bad guys using a non standardized strategy and just as I'm about to end the battle I notice that the people I was fighting were actually the good guys. I then turn the tides the other way and save the day. I get offered a job on the spot, but turn them down and go back to my usual daily life but with the memory of my heroics. 

I like how I consider that more possible than having sex with Katy Perry. 

I do have a dream that I think is possible. I call it my perfect weekend.

The weekend starts early; I get off work at noon. I have a solo camp out planned. I'm driving myself out to the mountains to do an overnight trek in the mountains just myself. I've got all my gear all set and ready for when I'm done work. I hop in my jeep (not FJ I fucking hate that thing) and drive the 2 hours to get to the trail head. I start my long trek into the mountains. I catch up to some other people on the trail, a couple. I chat with them for a bit. We hike for a couple of hours but they aren't heading to the same place I am so when the trail forks we part ways. I get to my campsite just as the sun is starting to dip below the peaks of the mountains. I set up my tent and get ready to make myself dinner.

 Just as I'm settling down to cook I hear foot steps coming from the trail. A young woman steps into the light of the fire. "Oh it looks like I won't be camping alone." she says. She comes and joins me by the fire and we start chatting, getting to know each other. We share dinner under the twilight (is it weird that, that word has been forever ruined for me) as the stars start to come out. We walk out into a clearing and lay down to watch the constellations take form. I point out Orion, Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. She starts to point out constellations that don't exist. We laugh as we make shapes in the stars. I have trouble picturing one of the shapes she is trying to make so she rolls over lays her head right next to mine so that she sees what I see and points the stars out to me. I still don't see it. She rolls up on her side and looks me in the eyes. I laugh because I totally could see it. She leans forward and kisses me on the lips lightly taking me by surprise. She blushes and gets up. "Shit, I totally forgot to set up my tent, and now it is dark." I tell her she can sleep in mine; I'll sleep under the stars. That is what I usually do anyway. The tent is for my shit so it stays dry. So that is what happens I sleep under the stars and she sleeps in my tent. 

I'm awoken the next morning by the smell of breakfast; which is oatmeal, with chocolate chips in it. Over breakfast I ask her what her plans are for the day. She doesn't have any. We decide that we would hike out together. We laugh and smile as we hike our way back to our vehicles. I ask her if I could see her again. She says she has nothing planned for that night. I get her number and tell her she should be ready to go out around seven and dress up. I drive home feeling good, rejuvenated from the mountain air and the hours away from civilization. 

After showering and getting my self back to normal I call her and double check that we are still on for the night and to get her address. I then get dressed in my best and leave to go pick her up. When I arrive at her place she looks stunning. She asks where we are going and why we are so dressed up. I tell her it is a surprise. We pull up the concert hall and I give my keys to the valet. She tells me she has never been here. We go in to watch and listen to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. She is grinning from ear to ear the entire night.  As we leave the concert hall she grabs my hand and leans against me, "That was amazing. What's next?" I shrug a little and admit I didn't have anything planned after this. "How about we go out for a couple drinks" she suggests, "there is a great wine bar by my place." We go and chat for a couple hours till we are informed that the place is closing. I drive her back to her place and get out to walk her, to her door. As we arrive at her door step I turn her to me, grab her hips and pick her up so she is up a stair, almost face to face with me. I raise my hand and tilt her face up to look at mine and lean in and kiss her. She wraps her arms around me and kisses me back. 

This is wear it is no longer PG. Those of my readers that know me in real life probably have never seen this side of me, but here goes. If you don't want to read smut, stop here. 

I mean it, stop if you don't want to read about sex.

I slide my hand up her side and pull her in tight to me. I can feel her soft breasts against my chest, I can feel her pulse racing as our lips part and tongues dart in and out of each other mouths playfully. I pull away slightly grabbing her bottom lip with my teeth pulling on it. I slide my other hand up her side and into her hair, my hand cupping the back of her head and I pull her face to mine again. She stands on her tippy toes to try and get closer to me as her hands explore my broad shoulders and back. Our eyes are closed as we embrace. All I can feel is her soft hair in my hand, her slender back in my other. I can smell her as I try and draw rapid breath through my nose. All I can hear is her soft whimpers of pleasure every time I pull away a little bit to nibble on her lip. This reverie is interrupted as a car honks there horn as they drive by. She pulls away and holds both my hands as she faces me, letting go with one hand to rub the excess saliva off her lips, only to quickly grab my hand again.

"Would you like to come in?" she asks.

"More than anything else," I respond.

She fumbles with the keys, but eventually gets us into her building. She grabs my hand and leads me up to her apartment. Once inside, she turns to me again puts both hands on my chest as I draw her close to me again. She is looking up into my blue eyes and says. "I haven't had this much fun in twenty four hours, ever." I tell her the night isn't over, and pick her up and kiss her; she hikes her skirts up and wraps her legs around my hips kissing me passionately. I slide my hand up her thigh past her stockings, feeling the softness of her skin, my other hand holding her to me around her lower back. I walk forward slamming into a wall where she pulls away and laughs, I take the chance to bury my face into her neck, nibbling softly right where the shoulder meets the neck, her laughs turn into moans as she puts her feet down dropping away from my attack on her neck. She pushes me backwards with a little smirk on her face, screaming mischief. I'm to busy looking into her eyes to pay attention to where she is pushing me. I trip over backwards onto the couch. She pounces on top of me grabbing my hair, turning my head and bites my neck. I arch my back in pleasure, causing her to giggle. "See, two can play at that game, she whispers in my ear sucking my earlobe into her mouth. She sits up, takes a deep breath and sighs. 

"You sir, are trouble.” she says, I smile and don't say anything. "What?" she says. 

"I'm the one that is trouble, yet you're the one undoing my shirt." I respond and flip her over so she is lying on the couch, "Let me help you," I say as I take off my shirt. She reaches up and grabs me behind my shoulders and pulls me down on top of her. I support most of my weight with one hand as my other runs over the front of her bodice; she moans encouragement into my mouth. I slide my hand behind her back and unzip the top of her dress, giving me access to the clasp on her bra. With a flick my fingers the clasp is undone, causing her to pull away, smile and say "Well done, but wait." Kissing me as she stands me up, she leads me out of the living room.

Into her bedroom, where I let her push me onto her bed. Standing at the foot of the bed she reaches up behind her and unzips her dress the rest of the way and does up her bra, then shrugs her shoulders out of the straps. She pushes the slinky dress down off her hips, past her knees and steps out of it. She stand back up after bending over where all I could see was the top of her head, and she is wearing black lace bra with matching garter belt and panties. My pants were getting very uncomfortable just looking at her, still standing with that mischievous smirk on her face. I sit up on my elbows to get a better look at her. She walked towards the bed and crawls up towards and on top of me, pushing me back down kissing me gently and turning my head to whisper in my ear, "You like what you see?" I nod my head, "Prove it." she says and bites my neck again firmly holding my head so all I could do was squirm and bring my hands up to push her away and flip her over on her back. I kiss her roughly and drag my stubby fingernails down her back causing it to arch. As her back was arched my other hand slides back to the clasp on the bra and again with a flick of my fingers it comes undone.

"Was that with your other hand?" she whispers past my lips.

"Mmmhmm," I moan into her neck, my hands exploring her back and sides, purposely avoiding her, almost exposed breasts. I'm still on my hands and knees over top of her and she reaches up with her hands on my back and her feet around my hips and pulls me heavily down on top of her, her hips immediately starting to grind against my, already very tight pants. I lean back a little and kiss my way down her jaw line, past her neck using my chin to push the lace away from her breasts. I work my way to her exposed nipples pulling one of them into my mouth quickly moistening it and releasing it only to blow on it ever so lightly. The hot and cold bringing goose bumps to her skin and a shivering moan to her lips. I kiss my way over to her other breast to give it the same treatment, except as I blow on the second one I grab the other breast roughly causing her to grind herself harder into my excited sex, moaning loudly. I kiss my way back up to her lips where they are parted in heavy breathing. I smile as I look into her half lidded eyes. She grabs my head and kisses me hard enough to send a spark of pain through my lips. I let her flip me over where she straddles me and kisses her way down my chest undoing my belt and fly with her hands as she drags her tongue down the center of my chest, edging closer and closer to my belt line. She grabs my pants on both sides pulling them down taking my boxers with them at the same time, freeing me from the tightness of my pants. 

She half smiles out of her mouth as she looks at my naked body, obviously liking what she sees. Her hands rub up my legs, from my feet where she had removed what was left of my clothing, as she got closer to my nether regions she slowed down and circled it with her hands getting closer and closer using less and less of her hand till the was only dragging one finger up my length holding the tip down slightly against its natural upwards tendency. She held it there as she slowly lowered her mouth down to one side to breathe heavily on it, the heat of her breath sending waves of pleasure through my body, first down one side then the other. Then as he mouth was approaching the tip once again she moved her finger out of the way as her lips parted just enough to rub against the tip as it slid into her mouth. I sigh loudly as she holds it just inside her warm mouth for a second before her tongue darts forward to swirl around the ridge of the head. Her spare hand, not supporting her weight, comes up to grip firmly around the base as she more vigorously slid my length in and out of her mouth applying just enough suction. Just as I'm about grab her and pull away to stop my release she lets go completely, with a very self satisfied grin on her face. 

I look at her with surprise and lust. I sit up and grab her by the shoulders flinging her from where she was kneeling onto her back towards the pillows. I kiss her hard and pull her hair firmly, my spare hand groping her breast and dragging my fingernails down her sides around her front and down past the lacy waistband of her panties. He swollen lips are already wet. I move my head down past her breasts and pull her panties off (smart girl wore them on top of her garter belt) as I go, all the way off. I kiss and scrape my rough five o'clock shadow up her legs down the inside of her thighs, stopping short of her exposed lips. She edges her self closer and closer to my face, whether on purpose or not, I can tell she longs to feel my tongue against her clit. I kiss one side first pulling one lip into my mouth then the other and slide my tongue along the slit starting just below the hood and all the way down to the velvety entrance, where I slide my tongue inside of her ever so slightly, pulling a gasp from her. Then I pull my tongue back out and slide it back towards the hood, slowing as I get closer. I blow lightly against the hidden clitoris then without warning I pull the hood and clit into my mouth twirling it with my tongue. He body convulses in pleasure, one hand grasping her breast roughly, digging her nails into the skin, the other hand entangled in my hair holding my mouth firmly against her sex. Gasping for air already, I pull away briefly to let her relax for a second and after she has gathered a couple of heavy breaths I go back to sucking her clitoris into my mouth pinching it lightly with my lips I gently hum against it, stopping the gasps completely as her body spasms in pleasure. She pushes my face way and drags me bodily towards her face kissing me.

 "I need you inside me," she says, reaching down between us guiding me to her opening, rubbing my head through her wetness, against her clit before slipping me inside her. Her eyes close and she tilts her head back as I am barely inside her I kiss her neck and pull back out a little bit. Holding still, till she pouts and looks back at me, just as she was about to say something I slide the rest of the way in. I feel her hot wetness against my base, as her eyes go wide and her mouth gapes open. I don't wait; I pull out and slide back in slower this time, giving her a chance to breath. I continue to increase the pace; we're kissing each other and pulling hair. Her nails dig deep into my shoulders encouraging me to go faster. Without notice I pull out and flip her over onto her stomach, I pull her hips up and enter her from behind. Without my shoulders to grab onto, she grabs the sheets stretching them tight between her hands. I slam into her harder and harder her breaths getting shorter and shorter till she is holding her breath. Her body starts to shake and shudder under the effort. Her knuckles turn white as she screams her orgasm and I feel her insides grip me and hold tight. She collapses after her orgasm subsides. She rolls over and looks at me, a sheen of sweat starting to appear on her forehead. 

"Lay down," she says. I do as commanded. She straddles me but instead of guiding me inside her she crawls forward, pulling the pillow out from under my head she guides her pussy towards my mouth. I bring my hands up to her ass and let her grind herself against my mouth and tongue. She grips the headboard of the bed. I stick my tongue out as far as I can and she grinds her opening onto it. I taste her slightly bitter sweetness as she moans and grinds. Then without warning she slides back down to straddle my hips. I'm inside her before I know it. She pins my hands down and grinds her wetness against me, faster and faster, looking into my eyes biting her lips in pleasure. She lets go of my hands and grabs my hair and bites my neck. My hands go to her ass guiding her faster and faster. I can start to feel my orgasm build, I don't want to cum yet so I try and stop her but she looks at me and shakes her head. Riding faster and gripping tighter with her insides, there is nothing I can do but moan as I explode inside her. I can feel her orgasm subside as her muscles spasm pulling at my supersensitive cock. She collapses with me inside her still, kissing my check lightly. 

We fell asleep naked in each others arms. In the morning I was hit in the head with a towel. "Go shower," she says standing at the side of the bed wrapped in a towel, her hair still wet. 

I shower and get dressed, I felt weird wearing my best clothes again. She asks what I've got planned for the day. I tell her I'm probably am just going to chill at home and watch cartoons and play video games. I ask if she wants to join. She does. We go to my place where I change into jeans and a t-shirt and watch cartoons all day and then I cook her dinner. 

I make balsamic, spinach, basil, and cheese stuffed chicken with red pepper sauce, served over rice with steamed lemon pepper asparagus. She goes home after dinner. I go to sleep, and dream dreams of combat with giant flyswatters. 

This would be my perfect weekend. It's got mountains, booze, sex, food, cartoons, and culture.

There you have my first attempt at smut. 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

New direction.

Oh Hi there. Where have you been all my life? What do you mean you've been here waiting patiently for me to post some funny anecdote or tell you about what is going on in my life?

I have been gone for a while. This is the single longest break from posting I've ever taken. It isn't that I don't love you because I do. It is strictly lack of inspiration and a lack of excitement in my life.

I have done abso-fucking-lutely nothing this last week and a half. That is a lie. I've done what I always do. On the weekends I go out with friends, drink my face off and waste the rest of the weekend recovering from the hangovers. During the week I work and blop my ever growing ass on a couch and watch a movie.

This isn't working for me anymore. So this weekend I hatched a new plan or challenge if you will. I needed some help though.

This challenge is going to be called "Move it fat ass or you get bic'd!" the title is still a work in progress.

What does this entail?

I got everyone of my friends involved in this except Vegas because, well, he is already in pretty near perfect shape. Fucker!

So Token, Ginger, Junior, and I are all going to be participating.

We have agreed that until the challenge is over there will be no use/abuse of vices. This for me means no drinking. That is right, until the challenge is over I will not be participating in any more shenanigans.

So what is the challenge?

We are all going to set a personal fitness goal that we all agree is achievable in roughly the same amount of time as each others' goals.

I'm going to try and lose 15 pounds. Everyone else has their own goals and it isn't my place to tell you them.

I've been trying to stay in shape for a while, (my entire life) and it just hasn't stuck. I'd be doing fine all week then the weekend would come and I'd crack my first of many beer and then light up a cigarette. I'd then spend the rest of the week recovering from my shenanigans. So How am I going to fix this? What is the motivation to stick to the goal and actually achieve it? Well out of the four of us doing the challenge the last person to complete their goal gets their head shaved, all the way down, with a razor.

The plan!

I plan on going to my younger sisters university every morning before work. I'll be swimming laps and going to the gym. Alternating days for each. I'm also going to start rock climbing again after work. My sisters are already helping me adjust my diet to allow for maximum results.

I'm excited to do this and even more excited that my friends are going to be doing it as well. It will make actually doing it easier if I have no one to distract me with partying.

Hopefully with the new environments and such I'll be able to find new inspiration to write amusing things.

Wish me luck everyone.

Later Days,

Friday, November 25, 2011

FFSF: Perception

I've been doing a fair amount of thinking these last couple days since things with the doctor haven't worked out.

Now I know you've seen my side of the story because I wrote it out for you but with my telling the story you've seen it colored through my eyes. I know I'm not perfect; fuck no one is, but I didn't expect what she said in that fateful text message to bother me so but it has been. This is what she said.

"Hey, I thought about it after you left and I decided that it's not worth being with someone just for the sake of being with someone. Neither of us are happy and I've got red flags going up everywhere. I try to listen to my gut feeling too and this isn't going to work. Why don't you just come pick up your stuff on Thursday and that will be that?" 

What about this message is bothering me you might ask. The red flags I'm apparently showing. I mean I've read the book Undateable. I know I'm not one of those guys. What red flags am I showing? 

Before you list off my many flaws I want to inform you that the last sentence of the previous paragraph was rhetorical. If you don't know what that means get the fuck off my blog. 

This got me to thinking, I know, dangerous stuff. 

I saw the doctor as being needy, try hard, jealous, too geeky, even for my tastes, and unemployed. I have stories that can prove that she is all of these things, as long as my perception of the events is accurate.

I have a feeling the Doctor saw me as, emotionally unavailable, a drunk, apathetic, and over worked. I'm sure she has stories that can prove that I am all of these things, as long as her perception of the events is accurate.

The doctor would probably describe those same flaws I saw in her as, affectionate, caring, devoted, a little geeky, and a student.

I would describe those said flaws in myself as, independent, fun loving, and employed.

The lesson I've learned from this is: Everyone has different paradigms that affect the way they see the world. This is completely normal and just another thing to add to the long list of things that you have to take into consideration when trying to find a mate.

Happy Black Friday to my American readers.
TGIF for the rest of my readers.

I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend where I don't have to spend any money.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday: I have no words.

OK The title is a misnomer because I really do have words. These words are "What the Fuck?" This is a true WTFW.

Last night the Doctor wanted to chat.

First let me tell you about my weekend. Friday night the doctor came out with some friends of mine. It went surprisingly well. She managed to hold her own and seemed to get along with my friends well. She didn't want to drink anything that we had at Token's place where we were all gathered. We were going to play Dance Central and drink so brews and some cocktails. Despite having a ridiculous amount of liquor and just about everything you could possibly want to drink it wasn't what she wanted. So we went across the street to the liquor store. Where I payed for her to get Coconut rum and some orange juice. 40 bucks later we are heading back up to Token's place with a quart of rum that I can't even drink because I'm allergic to coconut. The doctor had one drink out of the bottle then called it quits.

I might point out that The Doctor is still unemployed and has been since August. I've paid for everything, not a big deal except it is just assumed that because I'm the only bread winner I'll be paying for everything and it looks like that is the way it is going to continue.

Saturday Morning we had the jealousy talk that irritated me to no end. I spent Saturday running some errands and then went out with Vegas and Token. I drank a lot. We lost Vegas and he ended up at home puking on his floor, which is odd because he hadn't drank all that much. Token and I finished the night with a hot dog covered in Rooster sauce. So GOOD.

I awoke on Token's couch with a splitting headache. One of the worst hangover headaches I've ever had. I went home drank a fuck load of water and passed back out in a fitfull "owe my head hurts to much to think" almost kinda half sleep for the rest of the afternoon.

I woke up and had every intention of spending the rest of the day in my pajamas. Alas, this was thwarted with the offer of fresh homemade tacos. Probably one of my favorite meals. The kicker was that it was at another house. It was a dinner party and my sister invited me to come. I think she just wanted help with the cooking.

It was a surprising amount of good. The food was fantastic and the conversation was great. I was the youngest one there but it felt good to socialize with a different crowd.

Monday was crazy busy at work and after work I went over to Juniors place to have dinner and watch a movie. We then started playing video games.

I hadn't even thought about the doctor in the last 2 days. She was thinking of me though and sent me a message I responded that I was busy and that I'd text her later.

Tuesday, crazy busy at work again. I actually worked through my lunch break and didn't notice.

The doctor lets me know that she wants to talk and is wondering if she can see me tonight. I let her know that I have some running around to do but could probably see her around 8 ish before I go home to do laundry.

This is where it gets awkward.

I'd do the run down of the whole conversation but to be honest I can't remember word for word what happened. I wish I'd recorded it to play it back for you.

The gist of the conversation was her admitting that she is insecure and doesn't feel like we are communicating well enough. She wants me to text her more to show her that I'm thinking about her. She feels like she can't trust me anymore with her raw emotions anymore and thinks I may take advantage of her if she tells me how she feels. Then she asks how I feel.

I told her the truth; I'm not sure whether I want her as my girlfriend yet or not. That I want to slow things down a little. It has only been three weeks. She seems to think that three weeks is long enough to have developed a bond. Long enough that I should be thinking of her whenever we aren't in the same room.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but when I'm at work, I don't text, or make personal calls. I'm working. I know this may be a strange concept to the doctor but I have a life. A fairly busy one that doesn't revolve around her. I may have given the false impression by hanging out with her as often as I did at first.

I'm pretty sure that the Doctor wants something a lot more serious, a lot faster than I do. I'm getting to the point now that there are enough warning signs that I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to stop seeing her.

She doesn't have a job. She says she is going to school in January but just applied for school and student loans yesterday. Student loans take at least 2 months to get approved so I doubt it's going to happen. She has pretty much admitted to jealousy issues as well as being remarkably insecure.

Remember when I said there was something that bugged me about the doctor? I finally figured it out. She is a try hard. She tries very hard to be a part of everything. She even asked my sister to go to yoga with her. She tried very hard to become friends with my sisters. This isn't going to happen. My sisters are quintessential bitches. (I love them anyway/because of this) She tried hard to fit in with my friends. It almost slipped by me but I have a feeling she is so insecure that she is trying to be what I want and actually isn't.

Later Days,

PS. She ended the "insecure" conversation by saying that until she feels like I'm more committed to her we won't be having sex. This surprisingly (to me at least) has very little to do with me not wanting to date her anymore.

PPS: Since publishing this, the doctor has ended things via text. Saves me having to do it in person I guess.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I should clarify something.

Yesterdays post has been earning me some negative feedback. Rightfully so, with the assumptions that have been made.

First and foremost, the doctor and I haven't had sex.

Yes I understand that we have had pretty constant contact for the last three weeks, but there has been no sex of any kind. All we have been doing is making out like high school kids and cuddling. So no, I'm not "the guy she is fucking" so that doesn't work to describe the relationship either.

To be fair you're all correct, I'm not that emotionally involved. Calling her my girlfriend would probably give her a false sense of attachment. I'd rather not have that. What happens if in a couple days I decide the conversation the Doctor and I had this morning means that I can't see her anymore. More on that later.

I understand that the doctor wants a little bit of confirmation, but look at it from my point of view. I'm obviously interested, I've stuck around for three weeks without getting laid. I talk to her daily and hang out with her, if not daily, every second day. If she is so insecure that she needs me to confirm that I want to continue dating her by calling her my girlfriend that is a red flag in my book.

On to the conversation this morning. Oh wow, if I wasn't having second thoughts about continuing to date her I am now.

Doc: Do you ever get jealous?

Me: Nope, I don't. You're your own person and you can do whatever you like. How I respond to that is up to me. You go flirt with another guy, kiss another guy, or anything like that I'm pretty sure I'd just break up with you. It isn't a jealousy thing, it's a you breaking my trust thing.

Doc: Really, I think a healthy amount of jealousy is a good thing.

Me: Really? Jealousy is called the green monster for a reason. It is an emotion implying control and ownership. Trust is the opposite of jealousy.

Doc: I think it shows you care.

Me: No this is showing that you care. (then I kissed her)

Doc: I've been in a relationship that had a lot of jealousy and one that had no jealousy they both didn't work.

Me: I think you're confusing a lack of jealousy with apathy. If I think you're not spending enough time with me I'll let you know, but I will never be jealous of your guy friends or anything like that. I'm not apathetic. I'll be constructive with my concerns. Jealousy usually manifests itself with anger, resentment, sadness, and disgust. It usually grows from fear and insecurity.

Doc: Well, I still think jealousy is a necessary part of a relationship.

That was the end of the conversation because she had to leave.


I hope she comes back and explains herself. I've had a girlfriend in the past that had minor jealousy issues at the beginning and they grew into this huge monster that eventually destroyed our relationship.

I'm not a fan of any jealousy at all. It is an ugly, ugly emotion and doesn't belong in a healthy well communicated relationship.

Friday, November 18, 2011

For Fuck's Sake Friday: The talk.

I've been getting in a bit of trouble for writing at work so I apologize that my posts haven't been more forthcoming. Deal with it.

Last night while The Doctor and I were entangled she brought up the hated "what the fuck is this?" talk.

I am not every very good at dealing with this chat. It drives me bonkers. It is a short trip normally, but this particular conversation drives me there faster than a Ferrari could.


Is it because I'm afraid of commitment? No, in fact I thrive on it. I however am afraid of committing to the wrong thing or person.

The talk wouldn't change anything the doctor and I are doing.

The whole purpose of the talk is to put a label on each other. To lay claim to each other. It is like an informal marriage where after you agree you are in a relationship you need to break up to get away from each other.

The whole purpose is to apply a sense of security. A false sense at that, because even after you have the talk you can still be kicked out of the bedroom faster than you can say dutch oven.

Next is the timing. Is it really appropriate to have the talk at the three weeks since we met mark? I don't know. Have I decided I want her as my Girlfriend. No, but I haven't decided I don't want her as my girlfriend either.

This is what I said to end the conversation. "If what we are doing makes you want to call me your boyfriend go ahead, but I'm not a fan of putting labels on things."

So I successfully dissolved the conversation by making it not a big deal. If she wants to call me her boyfriend I'm not going to stop her. Am I going to call her my girlfriend? Does it really matter?

For Fuck's sake why do people have to make things more complicated than it is. I'm going to continue on as if the conversation hasn't happened.

Later Days,

Monday, November 14, 2011

My weekend Monday: 100 followers.

At some point over the weekend my followers reached 100. Thank you so much. I love you all, mostly because you make me feel better about myself without me having to insult you. So, thanks again.

I know I've been slacking on the whole regular posting thing, and my page views has told me as much so I'll try and do better. Who am I kidding? You'll get what I give you and you'll like it.

On to the regular theme for Monday. Recounting my drunken shenanigans.

Except I didn't get drunk. Not once. I feel weird about it.


Friday night the Doctor invited me out with some of her friends for Karaoke and pool. I only like one of those things. Two if you include the Doctor.

She wanted me to bring a friend/friends. Since I only have about 5 friends I can call on in a moments notice to come out, I ended up only bringing Vegas. If the doctor can handle Vegas she can handle all of my friends. Maybe not all at once but hey it's a start.

So Vegas and I head up to the bar where we are meeting everyone and low and behold. It is "almost" a dive bar, VLTs and all. (VLT stands for video lottery terminal, usually reserved for those with gambling issues that are too lazy/unable to drive to the casino) I have a healthy respect for dive bars; the service usually sucks, the food gives you a supreme need for pepto and the clientele usually is missing at least 1 tooth each, but you can usually get away with anything.

I was pleasantly surprised that the group of people we were meeting successfully took over a quarter of the bar so I was only left with pepto stomach and shitty service to worry about. The food was actually decent and the service well it was borderline too good. "I'm good. No, I don't need a drink. You just brought this one to me, I've literally had one sip. No, I won't drink faster I am driving tonight."

The venue aside the evening was alright. I didn't exactly get to know any of her friends. They are apparently shy. They were nerdy and incredibly awkward. I shouldn't have been surprised because, well, they all play DnD, which there is nothing wrong with. However, as the ability to imagine yourself as another character in another world increases, your ability to fully function and have normal social experiences in the real world decreases and some of these people must have been fantastic at DnD. (I'm looking at you guy with a cactus on your t-shirt that says "hug?")

Aside: Is it odd that I can tell if someone is going to be awkward by whether or not they are wearing sneakers out to a bar? And exactly how awkward by the brand?

It turned out that Vegas and I played pool and I tried to get some of her friends involved and succeeded in playing pool with a grand total of 2 of them. Not bad you might say. Well we probably played 20 games of pool and there were probably 10 of her friends there. I give myself an A+ for effort, but a lousy C- for actual success.


I took the doctor to the "Taboo: Naughty... but nice" show. I have never seen so many dildos (or is it dildi?) in one place before. I got to see a bunch of people experience BDSM for the first time. I saw chicks do burlesquersize and stripperobics. I saw body painting and a demonstration on how to pose for nude photos. There was a lot of phallic objects and not nearly enough naked boobies for my tastes but it was fun anyway.

I learned a lot about the Doctor. Stuff I'm not going to share. Stuff it!

We went out for dinner at "Loungeburger" it was decent. Expensive for what you get, but very tasty. I don't think I'll go back.

I dropped The Doc off at home and went and watched movies.


I woke up, played poker, ate dinner, watched movies, slept.


I'm still not entirely sure where me and The Doctor are headed. I get the feeling she is already gung ho for the long haul. She did introduce me as her "Man". The "what the fuck is this" talk hasn't happened yet. I'm not sure she wants to bring it up in fear of the answer. I don't want to bring it up because I don't know the answer. There are things that bug me about her that  I can't put my finger on and there are things that I love about her. Fuck dating is complicated, emotions are messy things. When this is over one way or the other I'm going to need an emotional sponge bath hose down.

Later Days,

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

What The Fuck Wednesday: Seeing some body...

I am beginning to think there might be something wrong with the way my brain works. Then again maybe not. I'd say you be the judge but it would seem hypocritical when I scream "DON'T JUDGE ME, YOU DON'T KNOW ME." at strangers because, what if they read my blog then I'd seem like a real asshole.

I know I promised a post on Monday but I was really busy. I had important things to do like get my shoes resoled, and browse the internet for new web comics. Regardless as to the reason why I didn't post on Monday I am here today and you shall be happy. Go on now, be happy, I'll wait.

My birthday was very quiet which after my Friday night, of getting drunk and wandering around cold and trying to scare off women that want to play with my penis, was a good thing.

Now that my weekend is well over and my work schedule has....

(8 hours pass)

.... apparently not slowed down

I am perturbed. I haven't quite completely fleshed out what is bothering me. I'll tell you about it and see what you think.

I really have nothing to complain about when it comes to The Doctor, except one thing. She is unemployed and not going to school. She says she hates not working and is actively looking for a job. I know that the economy in other places sucks but here in Calgary it really doesn't. If you want a job you can find one. So that irks me a little bit. I don't even know if it should, but it does.

I've also been seeing her A LOT. I mean a fuck load. Out of the last week I've had 2 days without her. This didn't feel strange or anything to me. I like her company and our schedules just seemed to match up. It wasn't till my sister pointed out to me. "You might be sending the wrong message if you don't know if this is going to be serious or not."

That's just it. I don't know. It's been a fucking week and people are already asking me what I want out of this. The good news is that the Doctor isn't asking. Just people that really have no business asking.

So do I want to be in a relationship? Sure I do, with the right girl. Is the doctor the right girl? How the fuck do I know, it's been a week since the first date.

There are pros and cons to everything in life. If this is going to work with the doctor I'm going to need to make some changes to my life. She is really against drinking and partying. I do love my shenanigans so I guess I have to decide if I'm ready to give them up.

I'm not writing her off, not even remotely. I think I may just need to slow things down a little bit.

Besides Dating is fucking expensive.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I almost fucked it up.... already.

I was going to wait till the "My weekend Monday" post to summarize whats been happening in my life but I think that it would be a post that would be a little lengthy. 

I don't know if I mentioned this before but when I first met the Doctor she let me borrow her sunglasses, prescription sunglasses and because I am me and if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any. I broke them. 

I told her that I'd pay to replace them. 

So that is what we did Thursday after work. She met me at the mall and we went sun glass shopping. We also stopped to window shop along the way. We went into a hat store and made each other wear ridiculous hats. It was a lot of fun. We then went out for dinner and watched the hockey game. That's right she even likes hockey. 

As the Mall was closing we sat on a couch and cuddled for a minute. We had our first real kiss while being sober. 

Then we had another one, then another. Then we stopped because people were starting to stare. 

I invited her over to my place, promising to be a gentleman... mostly. 

She said yes and then she came over where we watched Robot Chicken and listened to some music while sucking on each others faces. It was awesome. 

Friday ... Token decides that since this is my Birthday weekend that I have to drink. I apparently had to drink. I had to drink a lot. 

We played battleship, you take a beer bottle cap and set it so it floats in the foam of a glass of beer and take turns putting drops of beer into the cap. Whoever sinks the cap has to drink the whole glass of beer. I lost a lot because Token cheats. 

We then go head towards Vino's place to go drink some more then head out to the bar. 

This was the first time I'd heard from Vino in almost a week and a half. I'm fine with just being friends with her.

Anyway there is this neat little thing I managed to forget about. It hadn't been an issue for a while so I thought it was gone. It wasn't. 

When I drink whiskey I turn into the Guy from Momento. I forget everything within minutes. Peoples names, gone before the conversation is ever over. This is what happened last night. 

I don't remember what happened last night. That isn't entirely true becuse there are flashes that I can remember. Like the Phone conversation I had with the Doctor at 2 am. I can't remember what it was about but I was drunk and talking. Two things that a girl that has only been on 2 dates with me shouldn't really have to deal with. 

Oh I also forgot to bring my keys with me so I was locked out of my apartment building till I could wake up my sister by hitting her window. 

Just so you know it is fucking cold here, there is snow on the ground. 

Anyway, I wake up this morning and look at my phone not a whole lot of hints as to what happened but there was a negatively toned text message from the Doctor. 

I'm pretty sure I've fucked it up at this point. I mean 2 dates in and she has to deal with Drunken NtH, while she was sober.

I text her a sincere apology and wait. I also text Token telling him that I didn't remember anything and he was going to have to fill me in. Bad News, he doesn't remember everything either. 

I am still waiting to hear from the Doctor.

"Come over and we'll talk." 

At this point I'm a mess of hungover and tired. I smell a little so I hop in the shower real quick and then drive over to her house. 

She looks at me and laughs at my bloodshot eyes but lets me in and lets me apologize. Then kisses me, and says that she doesn't like drunken NtH, and if getting as smashed as I was last night is something that happens a lot it isn't going to work. I let her know that, the state I was in last night. (I had to close one eye in order to read because my eyes weren't moving in sync) is a rare state and is generally why I usually hide on my birthday weekend. 

She makes me a smoothie and then we continue on with the day like we had planned. 

We went to the brand new science center here in town. Guess what. It sucked. There were 10 thousand children running around actively trying to destroy the exhibits and not letting  anyone really enjoy them. The place was packed and there were only really 2 exhibits and they sucked too. The Oil and gas one was kinda neat because well it's what I do.  

We had a fantastic time, but I'm pretty sure that it is only because we spent it together. 

She is coming over tonight after her evening with friends and then she is going to pamper me all day tomorrow for my birthday. 

I will tell you on Monday how it all goes down. 

Later Days, 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Post Date Blinks: The doctor.

I'm a little tired today but I'm not going to complain. It isn't what you think.

The evening started out interesting. We had agreed that we would have a late dinner together around 8pm. This is fine by me because it would make sure I had time to get some shit done that needed to be done before I could go out.

We had been texting back and forth a bit all afternoon so I knew we were still on. At 630 she texted me telling me she was super hungry. I said I could probably make it out before eight if she wanted.

We ended up talking on the phone because texting to figure shit out takes way to long. I suggest a restaurant, no good she is craving a burger. (Bonus point) She is allergic to wheat gluten but wants a burger anyway. (another bonus point) She eventually suggests a Burger Restaurant, one she's been to and enjoyed. I hadn't been there but agreed anyway.

She then tells me it is going to take her 2.5 hours to get ready and arrive. That would put the date at 9:30.... No comment.

I sit down to watch Tuesday's episode of Sons of Anarchy. Which if you haven't watched I should smack you in the face with your own left foot. I get a call at 8. "I may have exaggerated a bit. I'm ready now." We agreed to meet up as soon as possible at the burger place.

I arrive and the burger restaurant was closed. It had an emergency closure for, as far as I could tell, a very messy reason.

We then decide to carpool to find another place to eat. We ended up going to Moxie's. I love Moxie's.

The actual date was fantastic. We had tonnes of fun just chatting to get to know each other and telling stories. Lot's of back and forth. Many laughs.

She informed me that I'm kinda different when I'm not drunk and look different without a mustache.

I inform her that Drunk NtH and Sober NtH are two slightly different models of the same car.

She said that she was pleasantly surprised. Drunk NtH is all about the fun and party, Sober NtH is a relatively normal person with a penchant for swearing and inappropriate jokes.

It was getting late so I decided that I had to go home and get some sleep. I drive her back to her car, I got out and walked her to her car (I parked a couple stalls away on purpose) I got a hug a kiss on the cheek and plans to go out again tonight, and probably Saturday.

I get in my car and head home.

I'm not even 2 minutes away and I look at my phone. There is a text message from the Doctor. "My car won't start"

I call her and tell her I'm on my way back. I get there and realize that my jumper cables are in my sisters car. Shit.

She calls AMA (kinda like AAA but Canadian). They quote her a 90 minute wait time, but probably shorter.

I offer to stay but she says no she'll be fine. I stayed anyway.

She was cold so we huddled/cuddled a little bit outside and I didn't mind the slightest.

Eventually though I started to get cold too so we sat in my FJ and waited where it was warm.

The guy shows up only 20 minutes later. Puts power to the battery and the car starts no problem. Then he tells us the battery wasn't dead.

One of the mysteries of the day I guess.

I get another hug and she says "I swear I didn't plan for this."

I say "It wouldn't matter if you did," then kissed her lightly on the lips.

I drive home, and after around the right amount of time, texted her "You make it home alright? I hope so because I had fun and kinda want to see you again."

She responds, "Yea I made it home in one piece. thanks for asking, and Ditto."

This is a pretty shitty recap of how awesome of a time I actually had.

I'm seeing her again tonight.

Later Days,

PS. She doesn't want 10 thousand babies. She may not want any at all. SCORE!!!

PPS. She doesn't Snowboard... I may have to fix that.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday: I can has a Date?

I have a dinner date with the Doctor. (She isn't actually a Doctor, but the nickname will stick)

The thing that sucks I am probably in the worst shape I've been since high school.

I'll tell you about the date later. This was just a quick post while I'm busy at work.

Later Days,

Monday, October 31, 2011

Hungover Monday: Halloween

I'm bringing back the Hungover Monday title just for today. If you have to ask why, you're not thinking.

So this weekend I wasn't planning on doing anything. I didn't buy into the big pub crawls that happen every year and from my own experience are a riot, but they cost a fortune. Instead this weekend I didn't really plan on doing anything. It worked out better than expected.

First off, Friday took way too long for me to get a beer. I picked Junior up from his job site on my way home from work. He wasn't finished so I ended up standing around waiting for 45 minutes while he finished up. Then the drive home, (fucking traffic) then a whole bunch of other running around and hurry up and wait type bullshit. I eventually got my first beer at 830. It was glorious.

This was just the beginning. We drank and played Dance Central on the Xbox Kinect. I don't know if anyone has played it but it was not meant for 4 single guys to drink and play. The suggestive moves that you have to do when dancing to Lady Gaga our really terrible and make for a whole hell of a lot of laughs.

We were playing at Token's place and his now ex girlfriend was being a whiny little bitch like she is and we had to leave at 11. We went back to Juniors and grabbed more beer which we then finished off very fast playing beeramid. If you've never played you've never properly got smashed. We ran out of beer relatively fast. Me and Token leave to go to a bar.

The first bar we went to "everyone" was dressed up in costume. We weren't, so we felt a little out of place. So we went to a pub.

While we were at the pub I got into a real fight with some guy who kinda sucked at fighting. He pushed me into the wall and threw 6 punches all of which were easily blocked and then he ran away. I sat back down and drank my beer. Apologized to the bouncers and continued my night.

However, my mini little adventure with the random shitty boxer inspired one of the girls sitting next to us, who happened to be dressed up as a boxer, that beating me up would be a great idea.

That is how we met the boxer, Hamburgler and some other girl dressed as something obscure that I didn't care about.

The beer was really starting to hit me fast at this point. I got to know the hamburgler. She was this cute red head. I have a thing for red heads I don't know why, but I like it and don't ever want to change. She was cool and a whole lot of fun.

As I'm getting more and more intoxicated (by the fucking second) I begin to realized that the girls are interested but there are three of them and only two of us. Que Mother Hen. Needless to say one boxer girl cock blocking us eventually pissed us off and we ditched them and went and got falafel. I love Falafel. I did get the hamburgler's number. Sorta anyway. I was drunk, my phone was dead and my pen to paper writing is rather terrible so the numbers I have written down could exist in some obscure system of mathmatics but if I really wanted to I could figure it out and call her. But from my fuzzy memory of how the night ended I don't think it would go over well. I think I swore a whole bunch and eventually told off the mother hen. Meh it was a fun evening anyway.

I awoke on Saturday and remembered that Token had invited me to go to a Halloween house party. I needed a costume. I ended up going as a cop.

Oh yea, the mustache is real!
(and oh so terrible)
The party was a riot. It is a small world because the host was somebody I went to high school with.

I met a girl that was dressed as this.

Doctor Girlfriend

She was a whole lot of fun and we eventually got to a good ratio of talking and kissing.

She was a little awkward about it in the morning because she was rather drunk and doesn't normally go around kissing strangers. I assured her that there was no worries and that drunken make out sessions are just that, but I'd still like to actually take her out and get to know her properly and all that jazz. She said that sounds like a good idea.

Sunday I wasn't as hung over as I thought I'd be but today. I'm tired, so very tired.

Anyway I'll keep you posted as to how the events unfold with the good Doctor.

Later Days,

PS. Vino never phoned like she said she was going to, but I predicted as much.

Friday, October 28, 2011

For Fuck's Sake Friday: A love letter

Wanna know something? I feel smug but I'm not happy about it.

I rarely ever post about my doubts and quandaries but I'm going to tell you one that I had a while ago.

It was about Vino.

This may be the reason that nothing has worked out so far, but whatever.

I didn't ever expect it to work out with her. I doubted it from the very beginning. She has a lot of the qualities that I'm looking for in a girl but has some glaring traits that make me go, "It'd be better if she didn't do that."

Ipenka brought it up in a comment that Vino is a waitress and works the random schedules that people in that industry work. I know this. I used to work in the same industry. This is one of the things that made me have doubts. Conflicting schedules in this busy world rarely makes for a happy dating life. She has maybe 2 days off a week and because she works evenings she is usually going to be busy on those days.

She, like me, is quite a riot and loves to go out and have a good time. This isn't so much of an issue except because she works in the industry she does, she can do it every night of the week. I know this because I used to do the same thing.

There are a couple other things as well but it doesn't really matter. I had my doubts from the beginning and so far I've been proven right about every one of them.

I guess this would explain why I'm not upset, sad or perturbed in any way shape or form. I was right. It sucks.

I guess you can say I went in guarded. Which may have helped me not get hurt but may have also hampered my probability of success as well.

I've been told that there is a way to break down the barriers, fences, brick walls, razor wire, and bunkers we build up around our hearts to protect us from being hurt, and then allow us to reach out and touch someone inappropriately  find love.

Apparently you have to open yourself up and have a look at the squishy side of your psyche. I'm sure I have one, somewhere. I think it is kind of like the painting you got from your cousin in the mental institution; you keep it but you don't ever take it out to show your guests.

Well I'm going to take out that painting and share it all with you.

OK I took another look at the painting and... the genitals mixed with what I'm hoping is sherbet is most off putting so instead I'll show you my squishy side.

This is a love letter to my future wife/woman/girlfriend/harem/concubine/you get the idea.

(Remember that Italics are like whispers.)

To the love of my life:

Sometimes I wonder if you actually exist. I wonder where you are and why I haven't found you. Then after I'm done wondering, I think to myself; You are out and about living your life, having adventures and getting stories to share. After all, I have my stories to tell, you should have yours. 

I look forward to actually meeting you and falling in love with your quirks. Don't try and claim you don't have any, because you do. Everyone does. I know I have mine, and I hope you can love me in spite of them. I can be a little bit sarcastic and remarkably inappropriate but I'd like to think that my heart is in the right place. I know I don't have dextrocardia, instead I mean, even if I'm being an asshole it is probably just a self defense mechanism. I really do care, I just suck at showing it. I'm honest to a fault but I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. There are more but what I'm trying to say is; I know I'm not perfect and I don't expect you to be. 

There will be a time when things don't look like they are going to last. We will fight and have our disagreements, but I know that I'm willing to push through them and make it work if you are. I can't do it alone. I don't want to have to do it alone. 

I want you to know that I don't care about your past mistakes. They are part of what makes you into the beautiful person that you are. I don't want you to hide them either. You should feel completely free to tell me anything. I'm not one to judge. I've got my fair share of mistakes as well. 

Lastly I want to tell you that you should hurry up and let me find you. You're missing out on some pretty amazing sex. If you need a little while longer I understand, but I am not getting any younger. 

Later days,

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday: Irksome

So the general consensus is that I should man the fuck up and just ask her out.

Do I get points for trying?

Here's the story.

Monday night Junior wanted to go out for dinner, beer and watch some football. Through some serious hemming and hawing we decided to go to the place that Vino works. The food is fantastic and they have a ridiculous selection of beer. Plus it was wing night.

I know that when I go see her at work that I'm not actually going to be seeing much of her. It is a very busy pub and I'm OK with that. That wasn't the reason we went there.

We went there for the Guinness soaked lamb and cheddar sliders. They are so fucking fantastic that I, with my rather superfluous vocabulary, can't find a word that would do them justice. Scrumptious would be close, I guess.

So after the dinner and a couple pints of "Scottish heavy", which I'm tempted to say is one of the better beers in the world, we get ready to leave.







I asked her what days off she had this week to see if I was even available, turns out Wednesday and Sunday, 'she thinks', are her days off. I inform her that the movie "Anonymous" (a movie we talked about the first time we hung out, it's about Shakespeare and stuff, pretty much porn for English  majors and the like) is coming out this weekend and that I'd love to take her to it, but if she is busy I'd like to take her out on Wednesday instead.

She then tells me that she is going to try and pick a shift up on Wednesday because it is rib night and also a hockey night.

OK Wednesday is no good.

She also tells me that she will have to make sure she has Sunday off and will call me to let me know.

She hasn't called. I'm not banking on her calling. I'm not keeping my weekend free.

I'm beginning to see a pattern in the women I find interesting; it could just be all women or just women my age.

They are all unable to make plans further than three days in advance. The last three women I've found myself attracted to have all done the same thing where they just can't actually plan a head, for example:

Me: Hey what you doing next weekend?

Her: Umm I don't know. 

Me: You want to go skiing then stop in Banff and sit in the hot springs? 

Her: I don't know I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you.


(right after making out for about an hour, after a fairly successful date)

Me: OK, I have to go home.

Her: You work in the morning?

Me: Yes, otherwise I'd love to stay. When can we do this again?

Her: I don't know I'll call you.

Who are these women that have no idea what their fucking schedule looks like? I know it isn't that they aren't interested because they will call, and give me about an hours notice that they are going to be free for the evening. If I'm free, we usually have a good time but then it is followed by one of the conversations above. If I'm not free they act all downtrodden and sad. (Which doesn't work on me BTW)

I didn't think scheduling things was hard. Hey you free Thursday? You don't know? It's fucking Monday! you don't have anything planned or you do. It's that simple. If you don't, you do now.

Are they waiting to see if something better comes up? Are they afraid of commitment? What? I don't get it.

What the fuck?

Later Days,

PS. Here is the Anonymous trailer.

Monday, October 24, 2011

My weekend Monday: CFL

If there is one thing that the Canadian Football League is good for, it's a party.

A friend of a friend got these tickets to a pub organized party bus football game bonanza. Twenty five bucks got us into the pub, one ticket to the game, one beer and one thing of chicken wings for every two people, and a ride to and from the stadium.

I invited Vino, she was more than happy to join, actually cancelling her plans so that she could come.

I can't honestly say I watched that much of the game, partly, because it was a game that didn't matter. The Local team is already in the playoffs and the opponent well, let's just say, they are in last place. I was also pretty involved either talking to Vino or talking the the crazy people surrounding us in the stands.

I was watching the hi-lights later on and I honestly don't remember any of the plays that made it onto the TV. I think that was because our seats actually sucked and we could only really see the end zone.

The evening was a complete success. There was many many good times, laughs had by all and I'm pretty sure Vino may be one of the coolest girls I've ever known.

Near the very beginning of the game these two girls sitting in front of Junior turned around and stole some cheese right off of his pizza that he bought for 7 dollars a slice. I immediately yelled at them "CHEESE THIEVES" They looked appalled and then we all started laughing about it. Ginger and this other guy that had the same name as me started flirting with the two girls and continued right through the end of the night.

One of the girls was a complete bitch, the other I would have hit on and seemed kinda cool. The complete bitch didn't have any right to be a bitch. She had a massive honking nose and was built kinda like a man. I didn't actually say she looked like a man until after she had been a bitch for a while. Although, I didn't say she looked like a man to her face.


Vino did.

Not just in a passing moment either, but actually walked up to their table at the pub after the game and legitimately asked. "You used to be a man, right?"

I think I fell in love on the spot. She is obnoxious in the best kind of way.

The rest of the evening wasn't all that exciting. I dropped Vino off and got, as my friend Natasha called it, "a reverse piggy back" hug. (she wrapped her legs around my waist when hugging her)

The rest of the weekend was spent either doing laundry, working, or sleeping.

Now I've already got some really good advice from #clubbabyseals, but I think I'm going to put this out to the blogosphere and see what everyone else has to say.

Don't judge me it's cheaper than a therapist.

I tried articulating this before and I sucked at it so lets see if I can do a better job here.

I have no idea what Vino's intentions towards me are. I'm pretty sure she knows I have a thing for her. ("Having a Thing": meaning this. If you don't click on the link the short form is "I want to give her orgasms, ten thousand orgasms.")

The advice I've already received is "Ask her out on a proper date, and make sure she knows that it is a proper date." Basically to man the fuck up and tell her I want to put my penis inside her.

The only other option is to wait and see how it plays out.

I'm going to try and hang out with her this week and see if the timing is right for me to man up or not. Normally I can read girls a little better than this and can tell if they like me before I put myself out there. This is a whole new territory for me.

I'm a huge fan of stepping out of my comfort zones so this could be a pretty awesome growing experience regardless of how it goes.

Later Days,

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Interlude Thursday: Hockey.

Someone whom I thought was a friend and had forgiven me for being Canadian is at it again and trying to destroy something I love. Max over at Misanthropy Blog has attacked my beloved sport of hockey.

He says no one has scene a goal scored. 

I think you need to work on your observation skills. A puck doesn't fly that much faster than a really fast pitch from a pitcher in baseball. (or even the fucking ball in tennis) So if you can see a baseball fly through the strike zone then you can see a puck. For fucks sake it is a black object against a white background if you can't see it you need to stop spending your time whacking off to the backside view of an offensive line in football and get some visual reflexes.

I have seen goals scored, many times. Max mentions that a siren is used to announce a goal. This is correct, however it isn't an automatic siren it has a manual switch that a guy named "goal judge" has to flip whenever he "sees" a puck go into the net. So suck it Max and petition your TV stations to bring back the puck that glows on your TV set so your idiotic brain can follow it. (seriously up here in Canada we were laughing very heartily at the country that is our shorts for that)

The next point he attacked was "The fighting sucks" 

He mentions that fighting isn't allowed. Correct it isn't allowed, but it isn't really punished either. When Robby spit on the umpire in baseball he was fined and kicked out of some games. When Ron Artest beat the shit out of a fan again fined and suspended from some games. In hockey, you beat the living piss out of someone you get to go have a time out in the corner/penalty box to think about what you've done.

Max also mentioned that the actual fight itself sucks.

I have a sample fight for you.

I might add that they aren't holding on to each others jerseys to hold themselves up, no, they are holding onto each others jerseys so that they get better leverage to smash in the other persons face.

Now the fighting may not be as awesome as say boxing or a UFC match but it adds a little bit of excitement. plus when players can make sure that someone who plays dirty and the ref doesn't see it gets punched in the face they all tend to play a little more fair.

Next up was Speed doesn't matter

Speed is exciting. Hands down. That is why it isn't just southerners that are into motor sports. The statistics for formula one racing place more of the fans outside of the united states. (Europe mostly). In fact the only motor sport that is really popular in the states is surprisingly one of the slower ones, Nascar, kinda says a lot about your country's taste in sports.

NASCAR, slower than the other motor sports.
Baseball, America's past time. This has to be the slowest thing considered a sport besides golf.
Football, the play stops every fucking 5 seconds and you get another 30 second break/ play clock.

The more I think about it Americans love things that are slow. Another word for slow is Retarded. I'm not drawing any conclusions here but it might explain a few things.  (Politics, your sports, the fact you haven't fully embraced the scientific proof of evolution.)

I'm taking a moment to share this because I can.

Below is an image of a graph of percentages for the amount of people that believe in evolution by country. Before you say it I know Canada isn't on there but let me tell you we aren't as low as you guys.

Good Job Merica, you beat Turkey.
Ok back to hockey.

The Playoffs take to long

Develop an attention span. The reason why hockey playoffs take so long is because the players actually have to recover after every game so they can't play back to backs. Hockey also believes in proving superiority to be more than a one time thing, which is why it is a best of 7. If you can beat another team 4 out of seven times the odds are that you're the better team. We don't just hand out a trophy to the team that has the best day.

Max says we should have the playoffs be of the top 8 teams instead of 16 because they take too long. I'd agree except I've seen a team from the bottom end of the racket come back to win the cup. (It's all about money anyway, longer playoffs mean more ticket sales)

Tie breakers make no sense.

I don't get how a shoot out isn't related to the sport. It is a test of skill player against goal tender and it isn't a sudden death type thing either it is averaged out over 5 different players from each team. Whoever has the most goals by the end of it wins.

I don't even know how ties are decided in football. A coin, toss like how the first possession is decided? In hockey everything is based on skill even who controls the puck from the very beginning. The face off is a battle of reflexes to see which player can hit a puck dropped by the ref to his own player.

I should also say that during playoffs there are no tie breakers they just go into extra periods. The longest

game took 176 minutes and 30 seconds of game play. When a normal game is 60 minutes. I don't know if you know this but hockey is exhausting to play. You have to be pretty fucking fit.

I'm going to jump into a tangent here.

Hockey is a sport that requires it's players to be fit.

This is Ryan Kesler, he plays for The Vancouver Canucks
He is fucking ripped. "All" hockey players have to be.
Syracuse football. I'm not going to say all football players are fat but most of the players on the team are.

C.C. Sabathia after he said he lost 25 pounds. 

Ok back to Max's complaints about hockey. 

Racist hockey?... No I'm afraid you have that backwards. We aren't racist or bigots we just want the best players to play. Hockey has its mix of ethnicity.

PK Subban plays for Canada at the world level and the Montreal Canadians in the NHL.

Below is him hitting another player, this is a clean hit and it's fucking awesome.

He isn't just a thug either, he is a talented player. 

Here is another awesome player of color I respect. 
Ray Emery

I'm sorry there just isn't proof that hockey is racist.

I'm not going to say that hockey is perfect and doesn't have it's issues but it is entertaining. It requires a lot of skill and athleticism to play if you can't see it you're blind.

Later Days