I've been getting in a bit of trouble for writing at work so I apologize that my posts haven't been more forthcoming. Deal with it.
Last night while The Doctor and I were entangled she brought up the hated "what the fuck is this?" talk.
I am not every very good at dealing with this chat. It drives me bonkers. It is a short trip normally, but this particular conversation drives me there faster than a Ferrari could.
Why?
Is it because I'm afraid of commitment? No, in fact I thrive on it. I however am afraid of committing to the wrong thing or person.
The talk wouldn't change anything the doctor and I are doing.
The whole purpose of the talk is to put a label on each other. To lay claim to each other. It is like an informal marriage where after you agree you are in a relationship you need to break up to get away from each other.
The whole purpose is to apply a sense of security. A false sense at that, because even after you have the talk you can still be kicked out of the bedroom faster than you can say dutch oven.
Next is the timing. Is it really appropriate to have the talk at the three weeks since we met mark? I don't know. Have I decided I want her as my Girlfriend. No, but I haven't decided I don't want her as my girlfriend either.
This is what I said to end the conversation. "If what we are doing makes you want to call me your boyfriend go ahead, but I'm not a fan of putting labels on things."
So I successfully dissolved the conversation by making it not a big deal. If she wants to call me her boyfriend I'm not going to stop her. Am I going to call her my girlfriend? Does it really matter?
For Fuck's sake why do people have to make things more complicated than it is. I'm going to continue on as if the conversation hasn't happened.
Later Days,
NtH
Three weeks does seem a little early to be asking that question. I think you did very well avoiding a direct answer. And you obviously didn't upset her because she didn't walk off with the hump! Well done!
ReplyDeleteChicks find it a little more reassuring to call a guy their 'boyfriend'. It seems a little more serious than 'the guy I'm fucking'.
I gotta say, I think you're completely off the mark here. It's borderline passive-aggressive and on the verge of douche-y. She doesn't need to put a label on it, she wants to know if you like her as much as she likes you. She's protecting her emotional investment. It's been 3 weeks of near constant contact. How many dates? 15? That's a reasonable number for her to wonder where you are emotionally, especially because it's been so much togetherness in such a short amount of time. You're protecting your emotional investment, too, but you're sending mixed signals, which is confusing. So she asked. She took a risk. And instead of being honest and telling her what you told the rest of us, you made it sound like being her boyfriend was something you maybe/might could tolerate or not. This is actually the much tamer version of the rant I had in my head.
ReplyDeleteI completely 100% agree with Natasha. You should just print out this post and tell her, I'm sorry, this is what I should have said when you asked.
ReplyDeleteBe honest with her, dude. Don't be a dick. If you've ever wondered "Why bitchez be so crazaayyy?", a lot of times it's because guys have done this kind of stuff to them one too many times.
I have to side with Natasha and Maresi. I don't understand what the problem is in referring to someone you are dating as boyriend/girlfriend. For fuck's sake you're not putting a ring on her finger. If down the road, be it a week or 5 years, guess what, you can still end it and walk away. The only way you're going to find out if she's the right one to be in a relationship with is if you actually get in to the relationship.
ReplyDeletewelp. idk
ReplyDeleteI do think that 3 weeks is a bit early to worry about titles but it is all relative to how much time you are spending together. Women like to know a man isn't just in it until they meet a girl they actually like, that they aren't just a warm body in bed until somebody else comes along. Sure, that is all dating really is anyway...but still it's nice to know we're special.
ReplyDeleteA simple, "I really enjoy what we have and I'm not seeking out other women or dates but I'd rather not put labels on things." Would have sufficed. Avoidance is a pretty dick move and you essentially said, "If it makes you happy to call me your boyfriend then go ahead but I won't be doing the same cause I don't really give a shit." and set the tables unevenly by way of investment in the "relationship" and I promise you she may have let it go but she is probably feeling pretty insecure right now. Not really a cool move.
You expressed much more accurately how you are feeling to strangers than the girl sharing your bed. Sorry, but it's kinda messed up.
My 2 cents:
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I were married 7 years before we divorced. It was an ugly divorce.
We had sex after a month. We said "I love you" to each other after 5 dates. We were engaged within a year.
We fought on a regular basis. We both agree we should have never married in the first place.
What I did wrong?
I rushed shit.
I say to not rush it. If you think it's too soon for those labels, tell her. If you think you're not there yet, tell her. There is a difference between "I'm dating the Doc" and "The Doc is my girlfriend," same as loving someone and being in love.
When you rush, the meaning of those labels is tarnished. Kudos to you for not wanting to call her something until you know what she really is to you.
Sorry ladies. I know you like hearing "I love you" and being called a girlfriend, but wouldn't you rather we MEAN it instead of us saying it because you want to hear it?
Jewels nailed it. This blog is a great place to vent, but make sure you're communicating with the Doc. Communication is key in any relationship, whether it's with a friend or girlfriend. Just let it out, and don't hold back.