Saturday, November 19, 2011

I should clarify something.

Yesterdays post has been earning me some negative feedback. Rightfully so, with the assumptions that have been made.

First and foremost, the doctor and I haven't had sex.

Yes I understand that we have had pretty constant contact for the last three weeks, but there has been no sex of any kind. All we have been doing is making out like high school kids and cuddling. So no, I'm not "the guy she is fucking" so that doesn't work to describe the relationship either.

To be fair you're all correct, I'm not that emotionally involved. Calling her my girlfriend would probably give her a false sense of attachment. I'd rather not have that. What happens if in a couple days I decide the conversation the Doctor and I had this morning means that I can't see her anymore. More on that later.

I understand that the doctor wants a little bit of confirmation, but look at it from my point of view. I'm obviously interested, I've stuck around for three weeks without getting laid. I talk to her daily and hang out with her, if not daily, every second day. If she is so insecure that she needs me to confirm that I want to continue dating her by calling her my girlfriend that is a red flag in my book.

On to the conversation this morning. Oh wow, if I wasn't having second thoughts about continuing to date her I am now.

Doc: Do you ever get jealous?

Me: Nope, I don't. You're your own person and you can do whatever you like. How I respond to that is up to me. You go flirt with another guy, kiss another guy, or anything like that I'm pretty sure I'd just break up with you. It isn't a jealousy thing, it's a you breaking my trust thing.

Doc: Really, I think a healthy amount of jealousy is a good thing.

Me: Really? Jealousy is called the green monster for a reason. It is an emotion implying control and ownership. Trust is the opposite of jealousy.

Doc: I think it shows you care.

Me: No this is showing that you care. (then I kissed her)

Doc: I've been in a relationship that had a lot of jealousy and one that had no jealousy they both didn't work.

Me: I think you're confusing a lack of jealousy with apathy. If I think you're not spending enough time with me I'll let you know, but I will never be jealous of your guy friends or anything like that. I'm not apathetic. I'll be constructive with my concerns. Jealousy usually manifests itself with anger, resentment, sadness, and disgust. It usually grows from fear and insecurity.

Doc: Well, I still think jealousy is a necessary part of a relationship.

That was the end of the conversation because she had to leave.


I hope she comes back and explains herself. I've had a girlfriend in the past that had minor jealousy issues at the beginning and they grew into this huge monster that eventually destroyed our relationship.

I'm not a fan of any jealousy at all. It is an ugly, ugly emotion and doesn't belong in a healthy well communicated relationship.


  1. So, there's this finding from psychology that basically says that whenever someone does something a lot, they grossly overestimate frequency with which others engage in said behaviors. What I'm reading about the doctor is that she thinks everyone is and should be jealous. My guess is that she'll turn into some obsessive freak of nature.

    Also, pet peeve: Don't talk about characteristics of your last relationships, Doctor, and use them to talk about why they ended. EVERY relationship you've had ended. I bet all your former boyfriends had two feet. Better only date amputees from now on...

    [Hero: Nice move trying to get her to shut up by kissing her.]

    My assessment, to be perfectly blunt? Ditch the bitch. She has clear jealousy issues, boring friends, a 1950s view of dating (seriously, Doctor, spread your fucking legs), and is diametrically opposed to some of types of your best fun.

    You should convey this message to her in poop, in her umbrella.

  2. My comment wasn't based on whether or not you were having sex. I still feel that way. But if she doesn't change her mind about the jealousy thing, then you are smart to run the other direction as quickly as possible. Yikes!

  3. Also, I disagree with the theme of yesterday's comments. And after rereading FFSF's post, you don't even seem into the Doctor all that much. She sounds like she needs to write herself a prescription for a horse tranquilizer.

  4. I will admit that my comment yesterday was based on the assumption that you had been physical. Sex is usually the only thing that makes girls go that crazy that early. I completely agree with your assessment of jealousy though. It's true, being jealous implies ownership. I would say that the jealousy thing is much more of a red flag than "the talk" before intimacy. I'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself.

  5. Wow! I really have missed a lot while I've been away! I like how you and the Doctor both seem to be comfortable enough with each other to talk openly about all kinds of "delicate" subjects, like commitment & the jealousy issue. I'm interested to hear the rest of her jealousy-is-necessary theory, because like you, I don't agree with what she has said so far.

    I also like that you are proceeding with caution, and at the same time keeping an open mind. Taking your time physically is a good way (albeit a challenge!!) to keep your head clear. That is something I suck at, so I say good on ya!

    I'm looking forward to hearing more about this, Hero. I really enjoy how you write.

    Happy weekend!

  6. Yeah, if I was a betting man, this conversation sounded a bit like laying the groundwork for future behavior...

    Other than that, seems like things are going well!

  7. You have inspired some controversy, Sir.

    The Doctor kinda sounds crazy. HOWEVER. This sentence: "I'm obviously interested, I've stuck around for three weeks without getting laid."

    There are things wrong with it.

  8. Allow me to translate for you.

    When she says:

    "Doc: Well, I still think jealousy is a necessary part of a relationship."

    What she's really saying is:

    "Doc: Well, if a creeper comes to me in a bar, I want you to fight for me."

    She seems independent and confident, but also wants to feel wanted. Needed. She wants you to miss her. To get angry if another guy is moving in on her.

    Yes, 'My Girlfriend' implies 'mine' but that's what she wants. She wants to be yours. She wants that label. Now, what do YOU want? This is a tit for tat thing. Give her what she wants if you get something too...

  9. I agree with Idaho's translation.

    You don't want to jump to conclusions too fast.

  10. Being a protector has nothing to do with jealousy and we've had that conversation separatly so no it isn't that.

  11. The jealousy thing is pretty weird, yeah. But my comment yesterday had little to do with you having had or not had sex with her, or with the fact that you're not sure about continuing to see her or not. I'm not demanding AT ALL that you consider yourself her boyfriend. What I'd like to see is you being as honest with her as you were with us. You were proud of yourself for dodging the conversation and putting her vulnerable question to the side for the sake of your own comfort level. That's where you went wrong. I'm not saying your feelings/opinions are wrong, just the way you mishandled things.

    I absolutely DO NOT want you to be saying I Love You when you don't mean it (yes, even during sex, if it comes to that), or considering anything long term. Of course it's too soon for that! All I recommend is for you to be honest with her. She deserves it and truly? So do you. Wouldn't you rather Vino have just said flat out what she felt instead of stringing you along?

  12. My take on it is you hit the nail on the head with the apathy vs jealousy thing but I understand where she's coming from. I can see how she'd see a reasonable amount of jealousy as showing you gave a shit if what she's used to is apathy and then the relationship fell apart.

    (that being said.. ugh! grow up Doc.)

  13. I originally felt the same way as Doctor. Don't know what it is, but jealousy often gets confused with caring. I'm slowly learning that its not necessary for a good relationship.


My frail ego requires validation.