Friday, July 29, 2011

I can't stop laughing.

It's rare that I'll do a double post in one day, but honestly if I didn't want to one day get rich and famous by being a writer I wouldn't pimp out my book. I don't even know if it is any good because no one comments. So I'll just keep assuming I'm awesome and continue writing it and sharing it till someone/everyone tells me it's rubbish and I should just give up and start turning tricks. 

In other news Life Magazine put out these pictures of the faces of divers while diving, which I think are fucking hilarious. I can't stop laughing and I've been looking at these things for days.

I can do pike pothition, WEE Thpinning. 

I really have to poop.

Why does it hurt?

You have to poop? No, I have to poop.

What is that Smell? Who's pooping?

Say cheese! and make a fist with your foot. 

By the Power of Buck Teeth!!! 


Ladies, How you doing? Me? I'm just diving.

Enjoy your weekend everyone. See you Tuesday, because I have a long weekend and plan on being smashed.

Later Days.

Novel Friday: Unrighteous Dominion, Chapter 9.

Time for me to pimp out my novel blog again.

Up next is Chapter 9, this chapter ties in last weeks chapter with the main characters and introduces another woman into the plot. 

You can find the chapters here.

Again I don't really like this part of the novel. I am going to have to do some serious overhaul on it. I promise though that it gets better. 

Later Days,

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Crazy Ex Shows Her Face.

I have a crazy ex girlfriend that showed her face where I least expected it.

I'll start with our story.

We met when she started working at the restaurant I was working at Red Lobster. Mmm cheese biscuits.

Her name was Jaime. That is her real name and I don't feel bad for using it because well you'll see. Well Jaime and I started hanging out a whole bunch when she found out her current boyfriend was going to move to Australia for a year. She had already decided that she was going to break up with him when he left. So I didn't feel bad for the next part.

The staff from work were all out drinking and having a good time. Jaime never used to come with us because of her controlling boyfriend. Well he was out of town getting ready for his year long trip, so she came out to have some fun.

Well we hit it off like fucking magnets. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. So when it came time to go home she invited me over. I thinking with my penis said yes of course. We ended up having some mad passionate monkey sex. I mean the sex was awesome. She had an amazing body and was a freak in the sheets.

I liked this girl. I really did. Things were great. Then about three weeks into this, her room mate shows up with some Oxycontin, aka hillbilly heroin. This started a long spiral back into drugs for Jaime. She had told me she used to be a huge druggy back when she lived out east but had gotten clean and the oxy was just a recreational thing. I didn't like this.

I stuck with her for a little while longer hoping that maybe just maybe she was telling the truth and that her life would continue to progress forward. I was wrong. Soon she started having massive house parties and having all sorts of people over where she met a drug dealer.

This drug dealer threatened to break my legs, I laughed in his face. He was then informed that I wasn't someone to mess with and apologized. However, this didn't stop him from giving Jaime free drugs. I started seeing less and less of Jaime till finally I just up and said fuck it. I'm out. She started then sleeping with the drug dealer to continue getting free drugs.

I removed myself completely from the picture and didn't want anything to do with her.
(for those of you that followed me back when I was blogging on "the rules of life" you'll remember this chick known as oxychick)

I saw her about a year and a bit ago outside a casino yelling and screaming at this fat bald man dressed like a gangster, I can only assume that he was her new drug dealer/sugar daddy. I smiled to myself and drove away.

I was then informed last night that I would be seeing her again. Just not where I expected.

On mother fucking Dr. Phil. 

Checking Facebook to see what my ex girlfriends are up to just got one-upped by Dr. Phil.

My mind is still blown that this is what she has turned into.

Later Days, 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

An unusual problem.

LittleMissMe and I were tweeting back and forth this morning and it got me to thinking. I have an unusual problem that has plagued my dating life for as long as I can remember. She says she has it too.

I'm not just going to jump right out and say it I'm going to tell a couple stories first. So everyone gather around sit cross legged in a circle and pay attention. There will be a quiz after.

My second long term girlfriend and I dated for only 6 months. The end however was not a mutually enjoyable experience. I loved this girl. I know after 6 months how can you really know. Regardless, I treated this girl with love and respect. Sure I'd poke fun at her as is normal. I didn't coddle her or put her on a pedestal. I just made her feel loved and admired.

This girlfriend however came from a family where the father was abusive. Not physically, nor sexually, no, her father would just yell and scream and call her and her mom names. Her mother was always, always held accountable for every mistake, no matter how big or small. I, however, would be calm, supportive and respectful when there was a mistake made. This made the girlfriend at the time uncomfortable and she couldn't figure out why.

This lack of comfort eventually grew to the point that she broke up with me by saying. "You're too good to me, it isn't what I'm used to and it I don't know how to deal with it." Her coping mechanisms were all built around being yelled at. In a nut shell I was "Too perfect," her words not mine. (she is now in an abusive relationship where she gets treated like shit, she's been with him for 6 years)

I had another girlfriend that yelled that she hated me and was jealous of how smart I was and how easily I learned things. My intelligence made her jealous to the point that she hated me. This wasn't some vapid idiot of a girl either, she was in school to be an engineer.

I was at a friends yearly keg party where people gather from where ever they live now and congregate on a ranch, camp out, drink beer, and catch up on everyone else's lives. Kinda like Facebook, but without a WiFi connection. While at this keg party I was being introduced to some new additions to the party. I was introduce like this.

Boomer(the host): "This is Hero, he's one of those ridiculously smart people."

Hero: "Well I'm smart but nothing exceptional."

Boomer: "Oh come on, you're a genius admit it."

Hero: "No, I don't think so."

Boomer: "Fine, tell him what you do for a living."

Hero: "I teach post secondary education."

New guy: "Oh really, what do you teach?"

Hero, with head hung low: "Petroleum design engineering."

New guy: "Really? How old are you? "

Needless to say there was nothing I could say to convince this guy that I'm not a "ridiculously smart person".

When I mentioned before the "Ride Home" girl, I said that she picked my brain for a good while. Every once in a while she would say, "Wow, You're like really smart aren't you". I'd always respond with, "I do alright."

My old boss when I was landscaping said, "You have to be the dumbest smart person I know."

I understand that I am I smart. Have I bothered to quantify it? Not really. It isn't something I like to announce to everyone I meet, it doesn't go over well. I try not to make fun of people that aren't as smart as me, unless I know them then it's fair game. I like being smart, it makes life in general a little easier, but it comes with some draw backs.

No one wants to play logic games with me, or trivia, or strategy, or any other game that isn't totally based on luck.

I cannot have a conversation where I have to explain words I use commonly. A date isn't a very good date if I'm giving a vocabulary lesson. (Why is it people know what perpetuate means but not exacerbate? They are in the same family of words.)

When doing the online dating thing, I can't message a girl that has terrible sentence structure and grammar.

I find I have a hard time conversing about menial useless crap. I can't stand around the water cooler at work and go over last night's episode of The Bachelorette.

I guess what I'm getting at in all seriousness isn't that I'm "too perfect" as I was saying on twitter this morning. No I think it is just a problem with being above average.

It all has to do with that little chart. I hate statistics but I understand them. I'm sitting a little bit above average in the intelligence scale. Therefore, I'm further away from the mean line and first standard deviation lines (the three middle lines). Roughly 50 percent of the population sits in that area of intelligence. As you deviate further and further away from the norm (mean line) there is less and less percentage of the population in that area.

Being smarter means, statistically, that you have less chance of running into someone else of comparable intelligence. This same principle applies to looks, athleticism, basically anything that a bell curve can be applied to.

So, as LittleMissMe and I approach perfection we are actually lowering our chances of finding a suitable match.  Weird isn't it, as we try and better ourselves so that we may become more attractive to possible mates we are actually lowering the amount of mates we ourselves will find suitable.

LittleMissMe and I's parents, (they aren't the same parents, I want to one day have sex with her and being related would ruin that) have told both of us that perhaps we should lower our standards. I say fuck your hat.

My favorite philosopher Jean Paul Sartre said "If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company."

I would be much happier alone than I would be in a relationship where I have to coddle their intelligence, deal with lack of emotional depth, sacrifice my hobbies and past times, or have to look at someone that I don't find attractive.

I get asked why I'm single all the time. I answer with "By choice, I haven't met a girl that's worth while.". I don't think anyone believes me but I don't care.

Later Days,

Monday, July 25, 2011

Hung over Monday: Floating the River.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Monday a little bit more than I am. I for one do not want to be back at work.  Not when yesterday I had this view.

Pasty legs.

It was a glorious day yesterday. The sun was shining, the water was nice, the company was good and the booze was cold. 

After the stampede week long drunk fest debauchery and chaos I decided I was going to take it relatively easy this weekend. Friday night, I had 3 beer watched a movie and fell asleep. It was a very good sleep that was looked forward to all week.

I've said this before but my bed is epic.
So Comfy
My bed is a conglomeration of feathers and high thread count sheets. I have a memory foam pillow top mattress with a 4 inch feather mattress on top of that with a 30 pound feather comforter, and about 9 different density feather pillows to top it off.

Anyway, my bed is very hard to get out of in the morning, so Saturday morning I didn't.

My friend, I guess we can call her that, came into town for the day and brought her boyfriend. We went out for dim sum. Her boyfriend, who was a little odd, is a good guy. I can't hate on him at all. However, in the past she had told me that it feels like they are just really good friends. That it doesn't feel like they are dating. Honestly, I could see that. There was very little affection between them at all, though that could be because they aren't PDA type people, but it didn't feel that way. I don't know if I'm biased or seeing things clearly so I'll just leave it as after breakfast I was hungry about 2 hours later. Stupid Chinese food.

Played poker for the rest of the afternoon, drank another three beer and fell asleep exhausted again.

Woke up Sunday morning feeling fantastic. I mean why wouldn't I.

This is what I had to look forward too. 
I was going floating with a whole bunch of friends. Now floating is something of a tradition/past time/ best thing to do in the summer time here in Calgary. It involves booze, water, sunshine, girls in bikini's and a whole lot of sunscreen (which I suck at apparently, more on this later).

From left to right: Junior, J, and Nevets.
I want that house!!!
Because the river is so calm we go out and buy 20 dollar rubber dingys and tie them together and float down the river soaking in sunshine.

I kinda went camera crazy and you're going to be bombarded with photos.
There are some ducklings in this picture.

Floating alone.

There is a couple hawks in this picture... err was supposed to be.

Hard to believe this is right in the middle of a city with a population of 1.2  million.

Floating alone but close to everyone.

At some point we lost J she ended up holding on to a rock for 5 min waiting for us.

Everyone say Hi to Nevets.

There are something like a 1000 people that float down here every day.

Again right in the middle of the city.

Floating for an hour and a half and people are putting into the river here.

There are geese in this picture.

The same geese are in this picture.

oooh majestic power lines.

Stupid rich people.

I hate anyone that owns a house on this river.

Especially this guy.

Same guy, still a douche.

Pasty feet.

So nice outside.

More useless photo's of other peoples shit.

This guy isn't such a bad guy, not because I know him personally, he just waved when we went by.

I have a panoramic video as well. My very first Vlog, there isn't any talking or anything like that. Just a short little 360 view of the river.

Sorry I can't paddle and work camera well at the same time.

I hope you guys enjoyed looking at the photos from my little float as much as I enjoyed floating.

Later Days,

Ps. I forgot to mention about the sunscreen. So I put it on and everything was all well and good. Then I started scratching randomly not thinking about it. Well guess what, where ever I scratched I burnt. I'm covered in random lines and patterns from scratching and burning. I'd take a picture but ... No you don't deserve it.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Novel Friday: Unrighteous Dominion, Chapter 8.

That's right today is my novel pimp my self out day. I feel dirty for doing it, but sometimes being dirty can be fun.

Up next is Chapter 8, I introduce some new characters. The police force side of the conflict that is just starting to come to fruition. 

I'm going to honest and say that this is probably my least favorite part of what I've written so far. I don't like it and it will need to be re-written. However, in the mean time have a read and give me some tips.

You can find the chapters here.

I'll be back to my usual Hung over Monday post after the weekend. 

Later Days,

Ps. Welcome new followers, I've grown a little in the last couple weeks. I love to see you guys here. I hope you are entertained, not offended, and comment lots. It's like crystal meth for me. 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Shot to the Pride

It's kinda like a shot to the nuts.

Flashbang to the nuts!!!

For the last couple months I've been looking at my bank account in awe.

This kind of awe.
OK I promise that is the last animated pic I'll put up, at least for today. 

Yes, I've found out that my income and my regular bills are about equal. Is this due to living slightly above my means. Probably. Oops. This means I do not have money for new clothing, and the hole in the crotch of my favorite jeans makes walking by elementary/primary schools a little awkward. It also means that my tires on my Fucking FJ Cruiser are so bald that if I were to take it into a tire shop they wouldn't let me drive on them. 

Never mind, I actually have a warrant out for my arrest... who would have guessed. That is right ladies, I'm a wanted Criminal. Does that turn you ... what do you mean what for? It's evil, it's diabolical... it's an unpaid transit ticket. 

So if I want to continue to be clothed, driving and out of jail (up here in Canada we don't fuck around with transit tickets) I need to find more money. 

I've thought about doing this.
But stale beer and rotting garbage reminds me of too many high school parties/girlfriends.
So instead, I went back to serving tables. It is going to be tough, but it'll be worth it.

It's kinda cool actually, I went back to the same company I worked for while I was going through school. They have a restaurant about 10 minutes away from my office, so instead of sitting in traffic for an hour and a half after work I'll be smiling, while swallowing my urge to kill the little snot nosed brats that cry when they drop their ice cream. I've learned though that as long as money is going into my pocket I can tolerate children. It's infinitely better than sitting in traffic.

However, this is also injecting me back into an industry rife with random hook ups and debauchery. Now I'm not going to lie and say "holy shit I work with some hotties." Cause lets me honest here. There is lazy eye crazy chick that was my shadow on my first day to make sure I still remember how to speak. (she was so crazy that I had a table tell me) Then there are the round ladies. How is it that you can have a job walking around carrying shit and still be fat? I understand you work in a place that serves food, but stop eating.

This brings me to my next point. There are some cute girls that work there. Like this girl we'll call her "Ride Home" (don't worry not nearly as provocative as it sounds.) She is cool, funny, good looking, smart enough to converse and curious enough that she picked my brain for a solid 30 minutes on the ride home. She also has these big doe eyes that I'm pretty sure I could get lost in. In a word I'm smitten.

"What the fuck is the problem Hero, MOWN the fuck up!" I can here Maxwell saying. I being the responsible adult I am, I asked her how old she is, nineteen.

Eight years isn't that much is it. Yes it is, especially when she just moved out of her parents place 2 weeks ago. FML. Why can't I meet a normal good looking chick that is my age? Fuck it I'd take marginally crazy and decent looking at this point.

Needless to say, I'll be busier than a 12 yr old tai boy at a priest convention, but it isn't permanent and I'm sure I'll have some decent stories to write about.

Later days,

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I keep getting flak for this...

Lately I've been catching a lot of flak for one of my opinions.

I've been told I lack empathy for those that have a couple extra pounds on their frame.

Let's get this out of the way first and foremost. Being fat is a choice. It is the easy choice. Between a combination of fast food and a society that is getting more and more lethargic we are soon going to have to change the size of a standardized chair.

I got into an argument with a girl that happened to be a psychology masters student. Her argument was that sometimes it isn't a choice. She said that due to socialization, or the way we view society and how we fit into it, certain individuals are taught bad habits and perpetuate the fat cycle due to the way they were raised.

My counter argument in list form.

Step 1. Look in mirror.
Step 2. Notice you are fat.
Step 3. Make choice not to eat as much.
Step 4. Look in mirror again.
Step 5. Notice you aren't as fat.
Step 6. Profit

I know that this is dumbing it down to the basics, but that is all it boils down to. It all centers on the choices you make about how you are going to live your life. (That's why I can't judge ugly people. Being ugly isn't a choice)

Yes I understand there could be thyroid issues, slow metabolisms and the such but the basics still stand. If you want to lose fat, calories in must be less than calories out, therefore eat less and exercise more. It's called self control. I was told that there are people out there that can't help it. "I eat when I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat" was a direct quote from someone arguing against me, that I had a hard time taking seriously. I don't care if you eat when your sad. Quit being sad and be awesome, realize that everyone has potential for greatness. I don't feel any sort of pity or anything toward fat people. It's a choice. Every time they open their mouth and put more food than they need in it, they are choosing to be fat.

I think that when choosing to be fat there should be consequences. I think that fat people should have to pay more for health insurance (being Canadian this translates into being taxed more). Being fat is not healthy it cause innumerable amounts of problems and complicates other health issues as well. Why should the health care system have to carry the weight? If someone makes the choice to be fat, they should have to deal with the consequences of being fat.

Beauty is more than skin deep.

Being fat and irresponsible toward your own body is one thing but then the other day I was pointed to this article. That talks about parents of obese children losing custody of their kids. I totally agree. It would take that fucking bullshit "socialized to be fat" argument off the table. The child will generally be happier in life if it is taught to live a healthy lifestyle.

None if this information about why people are fat is new, yet we as a society are so focused on being politically correct and we try to treat these people as equals, when they should be treated like addicts. We try and not offend them when they don't need to be coddled. Why not offend them, piss them off, it might give them motivation to get better.

I also refuse to date fat chicks. Flat out refuse. When it comes to dating online I won't even look at a fat chicks profile for longer than it takes to figure out if she is fat or not. Why? Is it a preference? Is it superficial of me?

Absolutely not. I'm an active guy. I snowboard, go to the gym, jog, rock climb, swim, and play just about any sport that I can and have time for. I know just by looking at a "large Marge" that we have nothing in common. She could have the best personality and we could have long talks about life the universe and everything, but she would never see me because I'll be out and about doing things while she sits on the sofa watching TV and eating double chocolate fudge cake. I can tell that a girl with extra weight and I will not get along not because I'm an asshole, but because being fat is a lifestyle, and it's one I don't live.

If you've continued reading this far without wanting to kill me, I'll explain where this hard stance comes from.

I used to be the fat kid. It was part genetics, part diet, part lifestyle, when all combined worked out to me being a little larger than I should have been. I was ridiculed to the point of wanting to kill myself. I even tried to once (I was 12, clearly lacking the adult coping skills I'm talking about in this post), and fucked up my liver function for years. I didn't kill myself though and through a lot of effort, a diet change or twelve and taking up a healthy lifestyle I was able to get myself to where I am now. I'm not fat, but I'm not as "ripped" as I could be.

The way I see it, if I can change my lifestyle and make the choice to not be fat, anyone can. They just need the right motivation or inspiration to do it. Being empathetic to their "plight" is not going to do this. We as a society need to take a harder stance against obesity. So yes I let fat people know that they are fat and should work on being not fat.

I'm not insensitive, I'm sensitive to the things that matter, like health, and happiness. Stop eating as much, I couldn't really give a flying fuck if you're hungry.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Hung over Monday: Stampede Wrap up edition.

I'm glad it is over.

I knew these last 10 days were going to be interesting. They were that for sure.

Last Monday I talked about what happened last weekend in this thing I call my life. Well this weekend was almost as ridiculous.

Remember Heidi from last weekend, well Junior was all about trying to get to know her a little bit better. He had even been talking to her all week. So, when it came time for us to figure out what we were going to do on Friday it didn't take a whole lot of brain power on Junior's part to invite her out with us. This was her last weekend in town and Junior wanted to show her a good time.

We started by pre-drinking at his place. I don't think I've drank that much beer that fast before, but that night we tore through a large amount, even before we made it to the bar. Heidi the positive influence that she is brought beer for the short, 5 block, walk to the bar. Fast forward past the walk, which despite being rather intoxicated and walking with open alcohol in the down town core of Canada's third largest city was uneventful, and we arrive at the bar. We managed to pick a bar that wasn't huge on stampede partying so we wouldn't have to wait in line. Once inside it was shots and beer and then shots and beer. Rinse and repeat.

My favorite quote of the night was, "Nice to meet you. What made you decide that plaid was a good idea?"

It's funny because, during stampede, if you're not wearing plaid you stand out. I mean every single person was wearing plaid. When you ask them about it they just shrug and say "It's what you do during stampede." Fucking Sheeple!!!

Which makes me instantly think of how as a society we are willing to do something just because it is what we've always done. (I'm thinking about the short story "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson)

Anyway, back to the story of the weekend. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't me that ended up getting belligerent.  It was Junior, which is odd for a stoner. He legitimately was so hammered that he tried to push me into traffic. He almost took off a guys head for bumping into him. He was really pissed off. I didn't care. I was just trying to keep everyone together... ish.

Needless to say Hiedi bailed on him pretty quickly after that. I say good riddence she was a head case. Living in Calgary for three weeks to take a course. We found out that night that is was married but going through a separation. It was a whole bunch of drama that I didn't want to worry about. So What did I do?

I went and got Falafel. Fresh made Falafel, at 3 am.

This was so good I didn't care about anything else.

This kinda pissed Junior off. So I went home and passed the fuck out. I woke up around 830 am, Drank about a liter of water, that would be a quart for my imperialistically inclined readers, and went back to bed. Woke up at 1 pm, feeling awesome. 

Picked Junior up from work and headed over to Vegas's place. Vegas has lived here now for probably 28 of the last 36 months. However he hasn't had his own place, nor any of his shit from back home. This all changed on Saturday when he finally was able to get his furniture from back home and fill his new place that he has been in for over a month with nothing but a borrowed blanket and his clothing. Needless to say this called for a Drink. We drank beer and helped him unpack and then we drank more beer. 

Vegas and Junior hadn't slept a whole lot the night before so they opted to stay in and drink. Which is probably a good thing because there was a gnarly storm that hit and we probably would have been soaked. 

I fall asleep with beer in hand around 1 am. I know weak sauce, but hey I'm getting older. 

Sunday wake up and get everything moving. We floated down the river. We have two of them here in Calgary, one big one, one little one. I prefer to float down the little one. Less shit to worry about means more illegal drinking and gawking at hot chicks in bikinis. 

I don't know these people, but it's something like this.
It isn't like white water rafting, at all. It is more like those meandering tube rides at water parks. Just with better scenery and it lasts 4 hours.

After 4 hours of floating down the river in the hot sun drinking rum and cokes I was feeling rather fantastic. (I remembered to put on sunscreen every 30 seconds because let's be honest I don't tan.)

When we finished the float we went back to Vegas's place drank another beer, went over to Juniors place to get ready to go out. I know going out on a work night. Je suis stupide! 

Junior and I were talked into going back to the Stampede grounds to watch the grand stand show. Which to be honest was entertaining. I don't think I've seen a show that had as much scale as this one. There was acrobats, a giant marionette, pirates (which I think were a little out of place at a western themed event but meh) with confetti canons and dancing horses. There were those weird choreographed strong men that hold each other up in weird and strangely non-homoerotic ways. 


spinning flag shit

Lots of people

More acrobats doing weirder shit

The story line made no sense, something about cowboys, a princess and pirates. 

Acrobats heading over the crowd
These acrobats are now so far into the crowd they are behind me.

Weird pirate pants on main character.

This pisses me off a little because I brought my camera but forgot to check to make sure that the memory card was empty so I didn't end up getting any of the good shots, like the flying cars with the band playing Kiss as they fly over the crowd.  The really hot acrobat in the bubble.

I think the show was mediocre on a skill based critique but as a whole show, it was well put together. It made me smile and that is good enough. Although that could have been the fact that I was still drinking. 

The fireworks were fucking fantastic, and I don't even like fireworks. I wish I could have gotten a shot of that. 

Oh well live and learn. One of these days I'll get decent enough at gathering proof of my adventures for this thing I call my blog. I have some more pictures friends took that I'll post in the next couple days.

It's going to be nice to have my city back.

Later Days,