Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Grey Haired Over Stressed Twenty Somethings.

This is apparently a new thing, but common enough it already has an acronym. I found out I am one. I knew that I was going to go grey well before my peers strictly due to genetics. My dad was full blown grey by the time he was 35 (I'm 26 and catching up fast). However, he is now into his 50s and still has a full head of (white) hair, other than the one spot where his hardhat sits. I'm OK with this trade off. I don't wear a hard hat.

Why am I OK with going grey? It's because every girl I've met recently thinks I'm way younger than I actually am. I even have a beard which helps but everyone still thinks the early 20s instead of  being on the down slope of the good years.

What I'm not OK with about the title acronym is the middle part. Over stressed. I give this facade in my daily life that nothing effects me. There is a couple reasons for this.

Growing up, I was a crier. I used to cry over everything. I'd stub my toe, tears. Some kid said something mean to me I'd cry. My parents, being the problem solver type people they are, figured it would be a great idea to stick me into martial arts at age 5 (this also coincided with my first broken nose). I was decent at it. Then my dad said something that will stick with me to the day I die. "Sometimes, son, there isn't another solution other than to defend yourself." Which translated to my sugar filled 8 year old mind. "Punching people is OK." I got really good at martial arts after that. This never cured my crying though. Instead I would be bawling my eyes out beating the shit out of the school bully, picture karate kid with sniffles and stutter breaths. I'm pretty sure he now has a complex and flinches whenever someone starts tearing up.

I started to hate how easily the water works would flow when I was about 10. So I learned to bottle everything up. After a few mishaps, of what I'd akin to "a diet coke with mentos in it" type explosions of fury, I learned to hide my pain, anger, and stress. I now give off this calm cool collected self that isn't phased by much, or anything at all. I don't even think after all these years of practice, pretending not to feel the negative, I'd even know how to show it, so instead my hair is starting to.

Not showing any anger, stress, or sadness is kinda cool. When I was waiting tables I never gave the impression that I was ever crashing, or falling behind; it translated into cold hard cash in my pocket. It means that I could teach college at the age of 25. It means that I can thrive in my career. It also means I'm going to be grey.

What is awesome is that grey is the new blonde. Read here. Looks like my genetics aren't going to hurt at all. I'll be in fashion by accident.

Later days,

Monday, May 30, 2011

Lacking in Muchness

Happy Monday to everyone.

Yesterday here in Calgary was Lilac Festival. The entire time I've lived here I've never been to it, so I decided this would be the year. It was nice and sunny, first time in over a week.

It was pretty much what I expected. A ridiculous amount of people crammed into one street lined with street vendors and buskers.

Kinda looked like this.

Or something like this.

I know you can't see it but there is roughly around 100k people surrounding me. I felt crowded so we left. 

We went and got one of these.

It's called a bubble. (and that is Vegas)

What the fuck is a "Bubble" you might ask. Well I'm glad you asked because I was going to tell you anyway. It is a bubble of beer. It looks like a gum-ball machine that was retrofitted to distribute large amounts of beer and that is pretty much what it is. 

After spending the afternoon in the sun and drinking beer I felt pretty good. Completely forgot about my conversation with my mother. Then I went home.

My sisters are both sick. So they asked if I would go grocery shopping. I said yes, of course, went out of my way to help out. Cancelled my evenings plans and went shopping. No biggy right.

Shopping went fine. I got almost everything on the list. I forgot the kale. 

This apparently was the end of the world. I didn't hear my sister when she said I had to go to a specific grocery store to get it because our usual one was sold out. So I went to the usual one. I didn't get the kale because I didn't think it was a big deal. I was wrong. 

(Oh and I forgot to change the water cooler before I left)

This evolved into both my sisters saying that I am unreliable, that I never do anything for them. Yet I picked them up the day before, the weekend before and just got home from doing one of their turns of grocery shopping. I've been trying to help out around the house more. But apparently I don't have any empathy, I just don't care. 

I never ask my sisters for anything. I am fairly independent. I mean yea we all live together so there is a bit of financial reliance on each other, but for the most part I look after myself. 

By the time the fight was over I flat out said "Fine, what do you want? Me to move out." Which to me seems like a really good idea at this point. They said they were close, but all they wanted was for me to try harder to show that I care. They never show they fucking care. However, I being a mature adult said "Yes I will try harder" 

I'm getting closer and closer to just saying fuck it to my family.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Rainy Parade

I am so frustrated at the moment.

My life is just starting to go in the right direction. I felt great, fantastic, exuberant even.

Then I answered the fucking phone when my mother rang.

"Soon I'm going to be skinnier than you." Is the first thing she says to me. "Get your ass in gear" Was the second.

This was followed by a 25 min conversation.

I don't know how she does it but she managed to make me feel insecure and worried that I'm going to screw everything up and die a fat lonely homeless man on the streets. This is probably because that is pretty much what she said minus the homeless part.

She wonders why I never really want to talk to her. It could be that I suffer from minor depression every single time I push that end button.

She ended the conversation with "You have to prove you are worthy; you don't exactly act like a 28 year old."

I admit that I've made mistakes in the past but I choose to believe that I've learned from them. They shouldn't condemn me to failure forever.

Sometimes I wish I could just cut her completely out of my life.

I've done this well so far without encouragement mom, imagine how I could have turned out with a little bit of positive reinforcement.

I've given up on doing anything to try and make my mother happy. I do whatever I can to make myself happy, but that woman just keeps dragging me down whenever I feel some positive momentum.

Is it so hard for her to just say "good for you" instead of "How long till you screw this one up."

She believes that everything bad that has happened to me was my fault. Then says that I should take responsibility for my actions when I actually explain the situation.

Why do I let her bother me so much?

Sorry for the rant I just needed to vent a little.

Later Days.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I was walking and fell down like... BANFF!!!!

Hello everyone I've had a crazy week, but I'm having a slow morning at work so I figured I'd write the post I planned on writing Monday. 

In Canada last weekend was a long weekend so on Sunday a friend and I decided to make a day trip to Canada's first National Park, Banff. 

First we stopped in the town just outside of the park called Canmore for lunch. One of my favorite restaurants is there. It is called the Grizzly Paw. They micro brew their own beer, in house. 

This is my Grumpy Bear Honey lager closest, and my friends raspberry ale in the background.

The food was delicious as usual. I'd have taken a picture of it but by the time the food came I was so hungry I forgot till it was all gone.

This is the view from the patio where we had our lunch.

After lunch, where I also got to watch the hockey game, GO CANUCKS, we continued on to Banff.

We wondered around Banff for about an hour where I found this shirt. I didn't buy it because everything in Banff is priced to rape the tourists.

It then started to rain (and hasn't stopped), so we decided to go sit in the hot springs.

You can sorta see the steam coming out of the springs. I didn't really feel like taking a picture of a whole bunch of random strangers so this is as good as it gets.

Sorry for the destroyed windshield ruining the picture. This is main street Banff. I wanted pictures of the scenery but was to lazy to get out of my FJ and take them.

This is the view on the way out of town.

A while ago in the other rendition of my blog I asked why I lived where I do. All I had to do was take a day trip to the mountains and I figured it out. It is fucking beautiful up here.

Later days

Thursday, May 26, 2011


As many of you know I recently started my new job. I love it. I love the people here and I love what I do.

It has been a roller coaster since I got here though. The good kind of roller coaster. The kind that fills you with exhilaration and a sense of euphoria.

Day one: I come in and am off to the races. I impress everyone here with how fast I pick things up.

Day two: My boss is yet impressed as I attend my first meeting and actually had something to contribute.

Day three: My boss takes me to our affiliate companies and shows me around. While we do this he explains to me that he sees a lot of potential in me to grow with the company and wants me to bring them up to speed with the modern software that is available out there. He says he wants me to lead this department. I tell him it is day three and I am willing to do this but let me get used to the way things are done around here. I don't want to get in over my head.

Day four: I show them a neat trick that the other designer, that they've had for 10 years, didn't know, that is going to save hours of work for our purchaser. The purchaser says I'm awesome. My boss says "How many hours have we wasted in the last 10 years because of this." I feel like I deserve a cookie.

Fast forward to day 8: My boss tells me he just purchased new software for me and only me because I'm the only one that knows how to use it. I get copied on the email from the supplier and I see the cost, I lose my breath. My boss has just spent 6 grand on me and I've been here less than 2 weeks.

Yesterday: After company meeting the other designer says he needs to have a meeting with the head bosses. I'm nervous, I'm thinking shit! "Am I not doing well enough despite the advances I've made." "Did I shine too bright at first and am now letting them down." "Oh great I'm going to be unemployed again." "Will my old job landscaping take me back?" I generally was freaking the fuck out.

Today: My boss tells me that we need to hire another designer because the old one, the one that has been here for 10 years, is leaving. He gave his 2 week notice yesterday. "It's your department now, it's up to you who we hire." Immediately I felt better. The epiphany of, "oh shit I'm bumping out the dinosaur designer and that was what the meeting was about", took me by surprise.

Needless to say this is not what I expected when I took this job. I'm anxious, nervous and excited balled into one tiny office. I have no idea what to do. Do I get a guy with more experience and learn under him. Or do I bring in a guy just like me that I can shape this department and this company into something great the way I see it. The way I want it.

I'm liking the second option, but I'm terrified. What if I can't handle it? What if I fail?

My boss says he prefers the second option as well. He would rather see me grow and take this company with me. He says I've shown them I know what I'm doing and proven myself. "If you're willing to step up, The sky is the limit."

I told him I love a challenge but would get back to him on what I think would be best. I don't want to seem impulsive.

I feel like I'm having an out of body experience. My head hurts, and I think I might have some indigestion. All of which could be explained by the all you can eat sushi I had last night.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Small Problem...

I have this great happy post about my day trip to the mountains but it will have to wait. Instead you get a post about a dilemma.

So In my Bumpity post I talked about this girl I went home with but didn't have sex with and probably wouldn't see again. Well I've went and proven yet again why I have my moniker.

You see before I ended up going home with her, I gave her my number. So needless to say she has been messaging me all fucking weekend. It isn't that I'm intentionally blowing her off, I'm just not trying, at all, to find the time to see her. No matter how I type that I sound like an asshole.

You see I'm sure I don't really want to see her again but I couldn't flat out say that to her face. I can't say I don't like her personality because honestly I only met and talked to her when we were both intoxicated so I don't know her. I don't want to tell her it isn't going to work strictly because I don't find her attractive without beer goggles. So instead I made sure that I stayed remarkably busy and therefore she doesn't know that I don't want to see her. Just that I'm a busy guy.

However, now that I've let the texting go on for the last 3 days I feel like I've lead her on a bit. Instead of being straight forward she still thinks that I'm going to go over to her place and finish what I started. When? She doesn't know, but she somehow thinks "maybe" to every time she suggests I come over whenever I'm finished what I'm doing translates as "I'll be there ASAP"

What the hell can I tell this girl to get it across that it isn't going to happen without sounding like a complete asshole. I'm not worried about my reputation, I just don't want to hurt the girl's feelings.

Have I mentioned that I suck at being tactful.

"I'm not going to come over, ever." Curt and to the point and not too hurtful right?

However she will ask why, I know she will because I'd want to know too.

"Because you have the body of a fifty year old diabetic." Umm nope can't use that one.

"I'm just not attracted to you." That would work, except that would mean I found her attractive when I was hammered. Not so good for her self esteem.

I could go the bullshit line. "I just don't think it will work"

The inevitable why.

"It's not you it's me." Ugh I feel dirty just typing those words.

OK all you lurkers out there that read and never comment I need your help here. What the hell can I say or tell this girl that will get rid of her without hurting her feelings?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Bumpity Bumpity

Friday was the first time in a very long time that I actually went out on the town feeling good about myself.

What a difference my paradigm shift has had.

First off I'm very sad that the Vancouver Canucks lost to the sharks. Although it was a very entertaining third period.

Me and Jucebox show  up at Hudson's, a very Canadian pub, about half an hour before the hockey game was going to start. Every single table was taken, and all the stools but two were taken as well. Perfect. We sit on the stools at the bar and the bartender was very cute.

The bartender, it turns out, is from the town next to mine. We had a lot to chat about. It was a great warm up to being social after hiding and wallowing when I was unemployed. It felt good. I however, don't like to hit on people when they are working.

We eat dinner and start watching the game. Hudson's has the best burger I've ever eaten. It is a buffalo burger with ancho-pepper BBQ sauce  Om Nom Nom. Of course there was beer too.

Just as we are finishing up eating and getting into the second period of the game these two women walk up to the bar and are looking for stools. They find one and only one. Normally I'd just laugh at them and continue sitting on my stool enjoying the game, but honestly the stool wasn't that comfortable. So I gave it to them. Her being flirtatious offered to share it with me and just like that I'm cuddling with her.

We get to know eat other and she thinks I'm way younger than I really am which I fucking hate. I even kept the scruff on my face to help me look older. It works so instead of looking 18 I look 22. I'm actually 26.

Over the span of the night we keep flirting and having a good time. She did this one thing which I thought was rather clever.

Her: "I like your jeans, what brand are they?"

Me: Ummm....

Her: "Here just turn around for a second"

So I do she lifts up my shirt tails and looks directly at my ass.

Her: You have a very nice ass.

Me Thanks...

Clever clever girl. She then put her hand in my back pocket and pretty much didn't remove it. I also learned that she has very soft skin.

Sadly this part of the evening didn't last, she bailed before I could even get her number. She was there with a whole bunch of married couples so when the game was over and the bar was turning into a party I think they dragged her away. Never mind I was running around buzzed and not paying attention to how long I was talking to people, so even if she did try and find me before she left she probably couldn't. Fuck.

However the night was not lost.

I met this other girl, she wasn't as good looking as the first one. In fact I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't in a beer haze I probably wouldn't have done what I did.

I met her at probably 11:30 and was back at her place by 12:15.

I found out that even at 27 she had never been with a guy that could find the G-spot on purpose. (I can) I however came home a little dis-satisfied. That is right, there was no mad passionate monkey sex. Just some basic mad passionate oral sex. I'm weird though I can rarely get my rocks off without the bumpity bumpity.

So the big O Final score 
Her       Me
2            -1
(-1 because she tore up my back and now I can't take my shirt off around anyone)

I was then woken up early put on public transit and sent on my way, without sunglasses, with a hangover. It was a long hour to get home.

So in one night I got hit on by 2 different women, had my ass complimented (it actually happened more than once), watched hockey, and went home with a stranger (not so strange now). This is all do to my perspective on life. It used to be a rather cynical and pessimistic view. Filled with structure, rules and way to much logic. I used to view women as a sort of math problem.

Career + fitness + style + Money = what women want.

As it turns out they just want someone that is fun. So that is what this summer is going to be, my summer of fun.

Ps. Before you ask, No I probably won't be seeing the random girl again (not saying I wouldn't love to see Random Girl, I fucking love her). It turns out that we have nothing in common. She doesn't enjoy doing anything that I enjoy doing. Never mind a -1 on the scoreboard doesn't inspire me to go back.

Friday, May 20, 2011

M & Me...

This is a story of missed opportunity. 

It all started when I was 14-ish. I was a member of a religious youth group that would have activities involving all the youth from the neighboring regions, so a couple hundred kids. There were dances and other such fun things that the church would put on. There was this one girl, we'll call her M. I fell in love at first sight.

M lived in a town that was about 5 hours away. Quite the distance for a kid that doesn't own a car nor drivers license. I also had a healthy fear of hitchhiking and buses. So needless to say I was not in prime position to get any mad passionate monkey sex. And if you think at 14 I was a little young to be thinking this then you obviously haven't looked at many 14 year old boys dirty socks. (This is probably one of many reasons why I'm no longer a member of said church)

So we met when we were 14 and I'd get to see her once every couple of months. We would always get to slow dance, which at 14 and religious was as close as I was ever allowed to get to a girl. We would dance to Lonestar's Amazed. It became our song. We would dance and as we got older we got closer and closer. Not emotionally or anything, young puppy love doesn't count. No physically closer, inch by glorious inch. 

By the time I was 16, M was a regular in my spank bank thoughts. This started to become apparent when we would dance to our song. (Looking back I realize how shitty the church DJ's were. Never mixed it up at all in 4 years) At 16 we would go find a dark corner to dance to our song, this was so we could break the bible rule. Which for those of you that don't know is "When slow dancing with a member of the opposite sex one must always make room for GOD, that is why there should always be room to put a bible between you" Fucking bullshit, this is where the church starts blue balling you. 

Where was I? Slow dancing, we were basically dry humping in slow motion to the rhythm of "baby I’m amazed by you-ooo" and this would make my pants remarkably uncomfortable. My hands were busy holding onto her waist and I couldn't exactly let go to "adjust". So I had to rotate my hips so that the dry humping was going on with my thigh. Which fucking sucks, by the way. Ladies don't grind on a guys leg, what do you think you're accomplishing. 

After the first time I learned and tucked it to the side or up so that it would be slightly less obvious to everyone else that I was "excited". But I figured M had to know. I was wrong.

Years later after we had lost touch for a while, I think I was 19 almost 20, we arranged to meet up where she was living and I happened to be visiting. We had a great talk about the old days and how we both felt.

Me: "I always liked you, ya know."

M: "Well at first I figured as much but as we got older I thought you started to feel differently."

Me: "Why is that?"

M: "You would always turn away slightly when we were dancing together."

I started laughing and blushing really badly at this point because I was busted and no way out.

Me: "I turned away because I was hiding my ... boner" (yup, straight up used that word)

She started laughing and I started to feel even worse. Great she'll never talk to me again. 

M: "Oh, if I'd have known that I'd have taken you someplace and fucked your brains out."

Now this story isn't over but that is as far as I'm going to take it. I was so scared of her finding out that she turned me on that I ended up missing out on some amazing sex and possibly a healthy relationship. I found her remarkably attractive but hid how it made me feel and what it made me want to do. Now every time I hear "every little thing that you do, baby I’m amazed by You-ooo" I think about opportunities lost and really uncomfortable pants.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I have this Friend

I have this friend, she used to be more than a friend, but never quite a girlfriend.

She drives me bonkers.

A little back story. We became friends a couple of years ago and then a little more than friends a little while after that. She was young and a little inexperienced at life when we first started hooking up, so back then I never saw a future with her. She eventually got her act together and is well on her way to become an educated contributing member of society. She now has a head on her shoulders. She goes to school on the other side of the country, and since this is Canada it might as well be another planet.

While she was away at school she landed a boyfriend. Good for her. While they are on summer break though they live in opposite sides of the country. They are doing long distance, which I think is remarkably masochistic. She says she loves him and wants to make it work. I say all the power to her.

Last night, however she wanted to go out for a couple drinks. Me being the newly responsible career driven indiviual I am now only had five a couple beer, while she being the rambunctious college student had a great deal more.

Fast forward past, many laughs, drunken ramblings and go straight to the point where she is passing out at my house. (nothing like that happened, I do have some a couple scruples)

Friend (F:) I want to ask you something but I don't think you'll answer it.

Hero (H:) What?

F: Never mind.

H: Okay.

F: You already know what I was going to ask.

H: You were going to ask about "us".

F: Yea...

H: What do you want to know? You live on the other side of the country for 8 months and are unhappily doing a long distance relationship with a man you claim to love. There is no "us". We've been over this.

F: But what if?

H: I don't do "what if"s.

F: Fine how do you feel about me?

H: Why do you want to know? Does your ego need a boost?

F: I'm just curious.

H: I have no idea if we would work out in the long run, or short for that matter but I'd be willing to try.

F: Oh...

H: I refuse to do long distance for 8 months of the year. So the point is moot.

F: I see...

H: There do you feel better or worse now?

F: Neither.

H: Then why the fuck did you ask the question.

Why does she do this to herself? Is it because she needs emotional validation? Wants a back up plan? Frustrated with life? I don't understand.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Giant Jello Mold of Nasty

Early on in my adult life, lacking certain social skills because of my up bringing, I had some interesting encounters and situations I didn't quite know how to deal with. The following story is how I learned that being the nice guy isn't always the best way to go.

Now I'm a generally happy guy... stop laughing, look it isn't funny. I'm happy, fine I don't care if you believe me or not. Now this young woman was a mutual acquaintance of a couple of my friends. I didn't know her. No one really knew her. But me being the nice guy I am, I decided that I would be nice to her and try and get to know her (read: Felt pity for her).

This of course just started out simple. I'd say hi to her in the hallways of the college I was attending. I would invite her out when I knew some of our mutual buddies were going to be out. I didn't go out of my way to find her though. However after about 2 weeks of saying hi in the hallways suddenly she would always be near. I'd go eat at a the cafeteria and all of sudden she would be there. Not eating with anyone just showing up looking lost spotting me and walking over and saying hi. This was back before I had a "terex titan" sized ego. If you don't know what the terex titan is look it up or maybe one day I'll post a picture. Don't get me wrong this wasn't creepy yet, this just looked like fate had thrown us together slightly more often then not.

I'm all for having stalkers. I consider it to be flattering, its happened a couple times to everyone I'm sure. But most of the time I like it when my stalkers are at least normal looking. They don't have to be hot, or even above average. This chick was what I'd like to call a sea dragon. Large as a whale, and ugly as fuck. Like Fiona from shrek was a 10 a solid 10 in comparison to this chick. So needless to say once I figured out that she was stalking me. I panicked. Now when I say panicked I mean I needed a decent way to blow off this SEA DRAGON, SD for short. By decent the first things that ran through my head were "I could get hit by a car, or slice my foot off." But I don't like pain so I immediately switched to "or get her hit by a car or slice her foot off." Anything that meant I didn't have to go to school or anywhere the SD could get me.  Now if a car hit her the people in the car could be seriously hurt, and I didn't have a big enough saw for her foot. So this left me with one option. Get hammered drunk, I mean loser pissed. So that is what I did. On a Tuesday, and then continued right on through till Tuesday. I don't remember much of the week but from what I do remember is having a blast, but the SD was always there at the bar watching. I was so drunk I didn't care. THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GO ABOUT IT.

Let me take a moment to describe how this sea dragon young woman looked. At one point she may have been cute... I'm hoping. She was average height. Now this is something that always boggles my mind about fat people. When you get fat do your bones get bigger, do they expand, move around. Cause I'm sure that if she lost all the fat on her body she would still have a barrel of a chest and massive knees. This is just the only way I think it is physically possible to be the shape she was and still support it, so it continuously stayed off of the ground. Not only was she large in stature but also had a weird shape. Her gunt, or the part of the abdominal area right about the vagajay for those that don't know what a gunt is, was huge, it stuck out further then her tits and it looked like she had to lean back to stop it from pulling her face first to the ground. Now this would be normal, lots of people have this. But her back, I've only ever seen about 20 sets of back tits in my entire life and I have the Internet. But hers were ... well they existed the way the Alps exist lets put it that way, as for her ass will it didn't.You could say her ass got sick of being squished and moved to the shoulder blades. She was Fat. (Fat=A) But I can look past fat. Now her face, well I have to be honest well it was unfortunate to put it mildly. Her eyes were like little tiny brown buttons in a big round and bulbous face. (weird eyes=B)  But I can look past that. Her zits were bad, (bad skin=C) but I can look past that, her teeth would make any dentist weep in sadness and horror. (bad teeth=D) But I can look past that. What I can't do is look past what happens when you put them all together. Cause it isn't addition when you combine ugly. It is hard to explain.

[(A x B) x (A x C) x (A x D) x (B x C) x (B x D) x (C x D)]^(A x B x C x D) = SEA DRAGON

That works.

Where was I? The SD took my blatant disregard for my liver as a sign that I was OK with her advances. My brilliant plan of drinking till the problem went away didn't work. SHIT.

Now I'd be a liar if I said this went away easily.  Nope there were many times I would have to come up with a quick reason to get out of instances where we were alone. I'd go into the kitchen at a friends house to get another beer  glass of water and just as I get the beer out of the fridge glass out of the cupboard and turn around there it was, walking-ish, with what I thought was her trying to be seductive, oozing towards me slowly, all I could picture in my head was a scene from the blob where it is slowly moving towards people and they scream with their hands in front of their faces. Needless to say I wasn't turned on. More terrified then anything.


SD: "What are you doing? I didn't hear anything..."

Me: "YEA DOUG I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. Sorry SD can't stay Doug needs my help."

SD: "Who the fuck is Doug?"

At this point I panic and realize there isn't a Doug in the house I'm at, nor at this point in life, even know a Doug.  SHIT. PANIC....

Me: "Where the fuck is a car or a really big fucking saw when I need one."

SD: "What?"

Me: "Never mind, inside joke."

SD "You're funny... and cute."

I have to admit at this point I was giggling/wimpering softly under my breath to hide my fear.

She kept walking closer to me jiggling like a giant jello mold of nasty. I felt like I was going to get squished up against the counter. Never before in my life have a been so afraid of something so soft and round.

Just when I thought I was doomed to a fate much similar to the male preying mantis. ( He Dies after sex) sweet sweet Ashley walks in and says "Oh Get Room you two." Laughs and walks out. FUCKING BITCH SAVE ME.

Couple more awkward seconds of her getting closer to me. Fucking asshole of a best friend that took forever to wonder where I was. "HEY, Hero, lets go for a smoke." ( I admit now this whole thing took less then 5 minutes but then, it felt like an eternity)

I slid sideways and out and away just as she was puckering up her lips.

I avoided her like the plague on purpose from then on. If she was there I'd leave. It was probably worse then just telling her how I felt, but I tend to lack a filter between what goes on in my head and what comes out of my mouth. So I opted to make her feel like a clown at a kids party ... I pointed and laughed but avoided all contact cause its creepy. Wait that isn't a good metaphor. And I already used the plague one. What else do you avoid. Chores. I avoided her like I avoided my chores as a kid. (weak metaphor cause shit with the SD was scary, way worse then cleaning the bathroom).

Long story short she hates me cause I'm a dick for leading her on then "disappearing" on her. What can I say I'm charming and good at avoidance as a solution to my problems. This is when I learned to just tell the sea dragon you don't do interspecies.... err "Aren't interested"

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Psst I have a secret.

I'm coming up on an anniversary. The anniversary of my excommunication from the church.

After I went to England to try and sell the Brits Jesus door to door, and the only way they were interested was if he did lawn maintanence, I came home and was given the boot from the church. That is the short version of what happened, and some of you might know the long version, but that isn't what this post is about.

When I came home from my mission a lot of my friends people I knew from the church bailed on me faster than a Coulrophobic bails at the circus. This isn't what bothered me, what bothered me was the fact my fiancée ran away faster than anyone.

In other news, my friday night was spent working. I was one of many gravel gnomes.

Ever wonder what happens to all that gravel that is spread on the ice in winter. It doesn't just dissapear, people have to clean that shit up. It's a very...

You had a fiancée?

What was that? ... I had a fiancée?.... Yes I did, but I'm telling a story, don't interrupt.

Where was I? It's a very dirty job. Mostly spent wondering around blowing dust up into the air and coating yourself in layer upon layer of road grime. The worst part...

What was her name?

Ugh... I suppose the gravel gnome story isn't as exciting as one of love lust and betrayal. 

Her name was Amy. It was understood that I was going to go on my mission for 2 years I'd come home, we'd get married and have a gazzillion kids as most morons Mormons do. I came home early and got the swift kick out of the church. I phoned her to tell her the glorious news. She didn't like it.

She then didn't talk to me for 3 months. I know what you're thinking, because it was the same thing I was thinking. "Mmm perogies"

Wait, that wasn't it. Something close to that anyway.

Regardless that was pretty much the end of that relationship.

She had the audacity to call me 3 years later and tell me she still loved me. I told her to take some Pepcid and  if that didn't work to see a doctor.

Anyway I'm super tired  from pretending to be a gravel gnome all night so I'm going to take a nap.

Later Days,

Friday, May 13, 2011

What the..?

So Yesterday before the server crash I had revamped my whole blog. I went through and deleted old posts that weren't relevant or anything and a whole bunch of other stuff.

So I'm going to have to do it all over again.

However in the mean time. Welcome to the revamped blog.

It is no longer going to be called "The rules of life"

I started the blog as a place where I could share the rules I thought life should be lived by. The blog then morphed into something different and the title never matched and the new posts didn't fit with the older ones. So I'm going to go through all my old posts edit them change them to what I want them to be. I feel bad that I'll lose all the comments my readers have left but I've got them all saved so I can look at them whenever I want.

The main reason I am changing the blog is because I'm revamping my life (more on this later) so why not my blog too.

Regardless welcome to the newish blog "A Fallacious Comedy". The story of my life.

What exactly is a "Fallacious Comedy"?

I'll let the Dictionary do most of the explaining.

com·e·dy   [kom-i-dee]
–noun, plural -dies.1. a play, movie, etc., of light and humorous character with ahappy or cheerful ending; a dramatic work in which the central motif is the triumph over adverse circumstance,resulting in a successful or happy conclusion.
2. that branch of the drama which concerns itself with this formof composition.
3. the comic element of drama, of literature generally, or of life.
4. any literary composition dealing with a theme suitable forcomedy, or employing the methods of comedy.
5. any comic or humorous incident or series of incidents.

fal·la·cious   [fuh-ley-shuhs]
–adjective1. containing a fallacy; logically unsound: fallacious arguments.
2. deceptive; misleading: fallacious testimony.
3. disappointing; delusive: a fallacious peace.

So loosely defined:  Funny shit that makes no logical sense.

I hope you stick around.

Later Days