Saturday, May 28, 2011

Rainy Parade

I am so frustrated at the moment.

My life is just starting to go in the right direction. I felt great, fantastic, exuberant even.

Then I answered the fucking phone when my mother rang.

"Soon I'm going to be skinnier than you." Is the first thing she says to me. "Get your ass in gear" Was the second.

This was followed by a 25 min conversation.

I don't know how she does it but she managed to make me feel insecure and worried that I'm going to screw everything up and die a fat lonely homeless man on the streets. This is probably because that is pretty much what she said minus the homeless part.

She wonders why I never really want to talk to her. It could be that I suffer from minor depression every single time I push that end button.

She ended the conversation with "You have to prove you are worthy; you don't exactly act like a 28 year old."

I admit that I've made mistakes in the past but I choose to believe that I've learned from them. They shouldn't condemn me to failure forever.

Sometimes I wish I could just cut her completely out of my life.

I've done this well so far without encouragement mom, imagine how I could have turned out with a little bit of positive reinforcement.

I've given up on doing anything to try and make my mother happy. I do whatever I can to make myself happy, but that woman just keeps dragging me down whenever I feel some positive momentum.

Is it so hard for her to just say "good for you" instead of "How long till you screw this one up."

She believes that everything bad that has happened to me was my fault. Then says that I should take responsibility for my actions when I actually explain the situation.

Why do I let her bother me so much?

Sorry for the rant I just needed to vent a little.

Later Days.


  1. This is pretty much my dad.

    I haven't spoken to him in 2 1/2 years. He lives with his mom and dad again (pff, deadbeat) and I still talk to them every month or so.

    If you think you can do better without her in your life, why not try it?

  2. You are an amazing human being! You bring me joy everytime I see you have a new tidbit for me to read. Thank you!

  3. Not that I agree with her methods... but i hope you realize she's not bringing you down for the sake of bringing you down, right? She's doing this because she thinks it would help you. A lot of people are raised thinking they have to be tough and it's all about "survival of the fittest." I don't know your mother, but somehow I'm assuming she has that mentality.

    If anything, she probably feels she went too easy on you, which is why she feels you're on a direction she doesn't believe is right (but I think whatever direction you choose should be yours to decide if it's right or not). So she compensates by demeaning you?

    In the end, she'll always be your mother. No matter how cruel and how evil she acts towards you. But the behavior of the person rarely speaks for their true intentions. And I'm sure her intentions are good (though misguided in methods). A lot of people do well when they're estranged from family members who've done nothing but hurt them. I'm sorry it's that way with your mom. but I can tell that she loves you, because I have a similar personality (in the sense that we all have to be tough) though I would never make my child feel like shit about themselves. You'll forgive her one day, I know it, and she'll be proud of you for it.

    I'm sorry if that was preachy... but I can't help it. I feel for you. And I've been blessed with such supportive and doting parents it breaks my heart to see individuals who are plagued by antithetical situations


My frail ego requires validation.