Monday, May 16, 2011

Giant Jello Mold of Nasty

Early on in my adult life, lacking certain social skills because of my up bringing, I had some interesting encounters and situations I didn't quite know how to deal with. The following story is how I learned that being the nice guy isn't always the best way to go.

Now I'm a generally happy guy... stop laughing, look it isn't funny. I'm happy, fine I don't care if you believe me or not. Now this young woman was a mutual acquaintance of a couple of my friends. I didn't know her. No one really knew her. But me being the nice guy I am, I decided that I would be nice to her and try and get to know her (read: Felt pity for her).

This of course just started out simple. I'd say hi to her in the hallways of the college I was attending. I would invite her out when I knew some of our mutual buddies were going to be out. I didn't go out of my way to find her though. However after about 2 weeks of saying hi in the hallways suddenly she would always be near. I'd go eat at a the cafeteria and all of sudden she would be there. Not eating with anyone just showing up looking lost spotting me and walking over and saying hi. This was back before I had a "terex titan" sized ego. If you don't know what the terex titan is look it up or maybe one day I'll post a picture. Don't get me wrong this wasn't creepy yet, this just looked like fate had thrown us together slightly more often then not.

I'm all for having stalkers. I consider it to be flattering, its happened a couple times to everyone I'm sure. But most of the time I like it when my stalkers are at least normal looking. They don't have to be hot, or even above average. This chick was what I'd like to call a sea dragon. Large as a whale, and ugly as fuck. Like Fiona from shrek was a 10 a solid 10 in comparison to this chick. So needless to say once I figured out that she was stalking me. I panicked. Now when I say panicked I mean I needed a decent way to blow off this SEA DRAGON, SD for short. By decent the first things that ran through my head were "I could get hit by a car, or slice my foot off." But I don't like pain so I immediately switched to "or get her hit by a car or slice her foot off." Anything that meant I didn't have to go to school or anywhere the SD could get me.  Now if a car hit her the people in the car could be seriously hurt, and I didn't have a big enough saw for her foot. So this left me with one option. Get hammered drunk, I mean loser pissed. So that is what I did. On a Tuesday, and then continued right on through till Tuesday. I don't remember much of the week but from what I do remember is having a blast, but the SD was always there at the bar watching. I was so drunk I didn't care. THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GO ABOUT IT.

Let me take a moment to describe how this sea dragon young woman looked. At one point she may have been cute... I'm hoping. She was average height. Now this is something that always boggles my mind about fat people. When you get fat do your bones get bigger, do they expand, move around. Cause I'm sure that if she lost all the fat on her body she would still have a barrel of a chest and massive knees. This is just the only way I think it is physically possible to be the shape she was and still support it, so it continuously stayed off of the ground. Not only was she large in stature but also had a weird shape. Her gunt, or the part of the abdominal area right about the vagajay for those that don't know what a gunt is, was huge, it stuck out further then her tits and it looked like she had to lean back to stop it from pulling her face first to the ground. Now this would be normal, lots of people have this. But her back, I've only ever seen about 20 sets of back tits in my entire life and I have the Internet. But hers were ... well they existed the way the Alps exist lets put it that way, as for her ass will it didn't.You could say her ass got sick of being squished and moved to the shoulder blades. She was Fat. (Fat=A) But I can look past fat. Now her face, well I have to be honest well it was unfortunate to put it mildly. Her eyes were like little tiny brown buttons in a big round and bulbous face. (weird eyes=B)  But I can look past that. Her zits were bad, (bad skin=C) but I can look past that, her teeth would make any dentist weep in sadness and horror. (bad teeth=D) But I can look past that. What I can't do is look past what happens when you put them all together. Cause it isn't addition when you combine ugly. It is hard to explain.

[(A x B) x (A x C) x (A x D) x (B x C) x (B x D) x (C x D)]^(A x B x C x D) = SEA DRAGON

That works.

Where was I? The SD took my blatant disregard for my liver as a sign that I was OK with her advances. My brilliant plan of drinking till the problem went away didn't work. SHIT.

Now I'd be a liar if I said this went away easily.  Nope there were many times I would have to come up with a quick reason to get out of instances where we were alone. I'd go into the kitchen at a friends house to get another beer  glass of water and just as I get the beer out of the fridge glass out of the cupboard and turn around there it was, walking-ish, with what I thought was her trying to be seductive, oozing towards me slowly, all I could picture in my head was a scene from the blob where it is slowly moving towards people and they scream with their hands in front of their faces. Needless to say I wasn't turned on. More terrified then anything.


SD: "What are you doing? I didn't hear anything..."

Me: "YEA DOUG I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. Sorry SD can't stay Doug needs my help."

SD: "Who the fuck is Doug?"

At this point I panic and realize there isn't a Doug in the house I'm at, nor at this point in life, even know a Doug.  SHIT. PANIC....

Me: "Where the fuck is a car or a really big fucking saw when I need one."

SD: "What?"

Me: "Never mind, inside joke."

SD "You're funny... and cute."

I have to admit at this point I was giggling/wimpering softly under my breath to hide my fear.

She kept walking closer to me jiggling like a giant jello mold of nasty. I felt like I was going to get squished up against the counter. Never before in my life have a been so afraid of something so soft and round.

Just when I thought I was doomed to a fate much similar to the male preying mantis. ( He Dies after sex) sweet sweet Ashley walks in and says "Oh Get Room you two." Laughs and walks out. FUCKING BITCH SAVE ME.

Couple more awkward seconds of her getting closer to me. Fucking asshole of a best friend that took forever to wonder where I was. "HEY, Hero, lets go for a smoke." ( I admit now this whole thing took less then 5 minutes but then, it felt like an eternity)

I slid sideways and out and away just as she was puckering up her lips.

I avoided her like the plague on purpose from then on. If she was there I'd leave. It was probably worse then just telling her how I felt, but I tend to lack a filter between what goes on in my head and what comes out of my mouth. So I opted to make her feel like a clown at a kids party ... I pointed and laughed but avoided all contact cause its creepy. Wait that isn't a good metaphor. And I already used the plague one. What else do you avoid. Chores. I avoided her like I avoided my chores as a kid. (weak metaphor cause shit with the SD was scary, way worse then cleaning the bathroom).

Long story short she hates me cause I'm a dick for leading her on then "disappearing" on her. What can I say I'm charming and good at avoidance as a solution to my problems. This is when I learned to just tell the sea dragon you don't do interspecies.... err "Aren't interested"

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