Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday. The future.

I don't know if you've noticed but I've been doing a lot of soul searching for the last week and a half. I haven't found it.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter C. I'm not going to tell you why, it just is.

Now, onto the more important side of things. Since I am going to be relatively sober for the next month and summer is pretty much over I am going to need something new to spend my weekends doing, till snowboarding starts.

I was on twitter yesterday while I was browsing Plenty of Fish and one of my followers, (I really don't know what to call her but she comments as Natasha so we'll go with that) and I got to chatting about online dating and how it never works for me.

I'm probably the least photogenic person on the planet. (If Vegas is reading this he'll comment in the bottom and probably agree.) So seeing as I don't look good in photos online dating becomes an issue because the photo is 95 percent of the profile. I can be as witty and funny as I want if I look like I got hit in the face with a shovel and making some weird facial expression it isn't going to amount to anything.

I don't even know what it is that makes me take bad photos. My head at the wrong angle, or my face deciding now would be a good time to try out that new expression. You know the one. The one were it looks like my lower right face is in the middle of a stroke, my lower left decides dimples would be neat, my nose decides to wrinkle and me eyes decide to focus on different things.  I honestly have facial expressions in photos that I can't recreate.

If I was a super hero the camera would be my weakness.

I once read that "There is no such thing as photogenic, either you're ugly or you're not."

Then my sister became a model and told me that line is a load of shit. There is a way of posing, looking, and smiling that can be trained into someone to make them more photogenic.

So not all is lost. I just need to find a photographer that can make me look in photos like I do in real life.

What have we learned so far? I don't look good on camera.
What are the consequences of this? I can only wrangle fat ugly chicks on online dating sites.
Seriously What The Fuck is that. 
So what does this have to do with you guys right? I mean it is all about you.

I'm going to be opening my dating profile to you guys to comment on and give me feed back. Once this is done I will be asking for message help/ if needed (kinda like Soph over here) and writing about my dating experiences for your entertainment.

ASIDE: By the way, Soph let me write a message to one of the creepers hitting on her. She actually sent it and it is fucking hilarious. Go look. 

So first things first helping me set up a profile.

Below is the text of my profile. Do your worst criticizing it and make it better.

Little bit about me, where to start. My name is NTH. I like a wide range of things. Whether, I'm chilling in my t-shirt and jeans going to the movies or out for beer, or I'm dressed up to the nines and going to the symphony, or I look like a homeless man and I'm doing a three day trek in the mountains, I just want to have fun.

The woman of my dreams is one that can tell me when I'm being a goof, and laugh with me, can tell me when I'm being a total idiot, but isn't afraid to be an idiot with me. Someone that has a sense of humor. Someone I can take snowboarding and out on the town. I'd like a girl with ambition, and dreams.
That isn't too much to ask is it?

My favorite things
Laughing till I can't breath
Chocolate truffles
The feeling I get in my stomach on roller coasters or when I'm up really high.
Reading and writing.
Having someone special fall asleep in my arms

Favorite quote: "In a universe so full of wonder and amazing things, humans have managed to invent boredom."

Alright let's fix up the text and then we can start on finding a decent photo of myself.

Later days.

PS. Oh and please do comment, I kinda want this to be successful and if you don't comment I'm afraid the only thing I'm going to get online is something like this.
Don't let it eat me.

Monday, August 29, 2011

My weekend Monday: Notice the title change edition.

I've decided I'm going to get away from the drunken debauchery that I've been relishing for the last little while.

I have a hard time quitting cold turkey though. So this weekend I did get a little bit tipsy.

Friday night I went out with Vegas and we drank and laughed at hipsters. I did get a lot drunk and ended up at an after party it was relatively low key considering the last month. There was no pooping or peeing on anything.

Surprisingly I didn't do or say anything that was overtly asshole-ish.

Saturday I spent the morning recovering and then went to a "Stampeders" game. That is a CFL team or Canadian Football league, for anyone that isn't from Canada.

It was a good game. Well played on both sides. Calgary won, much to the disappointment of one of the guys I was with.

The best part about the game came sometime in the second half.

Not my Video FYI. Full credit to whoever uploaded it.

This guy should play for the CFL. He managed to make it from one end of the field to the other and then back to where he finally gave up.  Fucking hilarious, of course this could just be the amount of beer I had drank by this point in time, but I found it awesomely funny.

Saturday night was meh, I couldn't seem to get drunk and just wasn't feeling the crowd that was at the bar I was at.

Sunday I didn't feel like doing anything but got talked into playing poker and then promptly fell asleep around 7.

Overall this weekend was a great way to close out my summer of debauchery. I think I'm going to try and go sober/not drunk till Juniors birthday in October.

Later Days

Friday, August 26, 2011

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Wasting time.

I went out for drinks with a friend from work. Let's call her Vino. Vino is awesome, she is smart, cute, funny, opinionated, capable of having a prolonged intelligent conversation about just about anything, and... she has a boyfriend. If you guessed the boyfriend isn't me, you have guessed correctly.

While we were out for drinks she told me that she has come to the realization that her boyfriend is an idiot. I don't like to pry into people's personal lives so I pretty much just left it at that. However, she continued and said that she is pretty sure that she is going to move out (she lives with him) when her lease is up. She didn't come right out and say that she is planning on breaking up with him, but she might as well have.

I again, didn't press for details.

This is where the theme for today's post comes from; for fuck's sake, quit wasting time. Why would you continue to be with someone that you already know isn't going to work out in the long run?

I'm not saying that I would be a better candidate for her to be with, I really don't know if we would work or not. I haven't given it a whole lot of thought. Just a little.

This isn't the only time that this has happened when it comes to friends of mine staying in a shitty situation.

I have a guy friend that is still Mormon, one of few. He got married relatively fast, even by Mormon standards. They met and six months later they were married and bound together for all eternity. Roughly three years later, he can't stand her. Divorce, in the Mormon church is frowned upon. When I mean frowned upon I mean a leper covered in shit caked infected sores would have a better chance making friends with people in the church than he would after a divorce. It is almost always social suicide for a Mormon to get a divorce. Think about breaking a promise to your supposed deity that you are going to be bound body and soul to this person for all eternity and then a couple years later go "Sorry God, oops I fudged up, your divinely sanctioned marriage isn't going to work. Can I y'know just get a redo?" Needless to say I still think that he should leave the psycho bitch before he ends up like my father.

When you're in a shitty situation long enough, eventually you learn to deal with the smell and take comfort in the texture and familiarity. Every once in a while you'll get surprised by something nice, like a piece of undigested sweet corn. This will now be what you look forward to. This is what your relationship will progress to if you choose to stay in a relationship that you know isn't going to work.

I understand couple's therapy can help but let's not kid ourselves. It's the Fe-breeze in the shitty situation. If you've ever used Fe-breeze it says it fixes the problem but from my experience it just covers up the smell for a while, making you forget that you are still completely and utterly surrounded by shit.

I see it all too many times where people put themselves into a relationship that isn't going to work strictly because they A) don't want to be alone, B) don't want to hurt someone else's feelings, or C) are too cowardly to actually change something in their life.

For those of you that are in a Relationshit and are miserable. I don't care. I'm single and relatively content. You have made a choice to be in that relationship. Stop complaining about it and fix it or fuck off.

So I'll say it again, For Fuck's Sake, quit wasting time being miserable in a shitty situation and move on. You never know you might actually find something good.

Later Days,

PS. I could be just a bitter, single, asshole that doesn't get it but I doubt it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

No more.

Just so everyone knows there will no longer be a Hung over Monday post. I haven't decided what I'm going to do quite yet but I know that what happened this last weekend really shouldn't be repeated. Eventually I will get in trouble. It was a lot of fun while it lasted. 

I feel that as the summer comes to an end, (I'm Canadian, it really is almost over) I need to take my life on a different path, than the fun loving, over the top, depraved, drunken mess I have been. Where I'm going to take it and with it this blog, I don't know. 

Sobriety isn't much fun but neither is getting jail time, so somewhere in the middle?

I will have a For Fuck's sake Friday post. Stay tuned. 

Later Days,

I tried writing a post that was actually worth reading and it just wasn't happening. My brain is fried. I need to take a break from life for a bit. To bad that isn't an option.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Hung over Monday: This may need to stop.

Good Morrow my loyal readers and hello to anyone new.

Do I have a tale to regale you with today.  This weekend was pretty intense. I know last weekend was crazy but this weekend may trump it. I know shitting in an eccentric Egyptian's parasol is pretty good but I think I topped it this week. I'll tell you the story and you tell me.

Friday, I get off work and go have a couple drinks at Ginger and Token's place. It was J's last night to go out and party so I had promised her that I would hang out with her that night. So that was the plan.

Ever heard of a liqueur called Chartreuse.

This stuff tastes worse than Buckley's cough syrup. You also only need 2 shots to be on your ass, fucker'd. Well that is the case for most people. Not me. After a couple of drinks and a couple of shots of the green death, we decide to go down to J's work and drink with her and some of her co-workers. Why? because we got the discount and that meant 9 dollar triples.

Shortly after arrival the Green death had it's way with Ginger and he looked like he had been thoroughly abused. He was sucking on his bottom lip and had a decent Weeble impression going on. He left shortly after, wandered around towards home and eventually got in a cab.

Near the end of the Night after many jugs and a couple shots Token, which btw stands for token black guy, was starting to feel the Green death, and combination of everything else. It was very apparent that he was loser pissed.

Now shortly after we had just gotten to the bar one of the waitresses I had met before started throwing things at me. I'm going to call her African grassland or AG for short. So AG and I start this hate hate relationship with each other. I know her from before and I've seen smarter seat cushions than her. If you were paying attention to twitter this weekend you'd have gotten this gem.

Me: "Are you planning on reproducing?"

AG: "Yea, someday."

Me: "Don't!"

AG: "...I don't get it..."

Me: "that is kinda the issue at hand"

By the time the bar was closing I'm not even functional on dog standards. It would be like those videos of dogs climbing stairs and tumbling down over and over again. Kinda like a reverse drunk slinky.

Token and J are both worse than I am. I have no recollection of how we got a cab. During the entire Cab ride this is the conversation I have with Token.

Me: Hey, how you doing?

Token: I'm taking a cab home.

Me: I know, I'm in it with you.

Token: I'm taking a cab home.

Me: You gonna be sick?

Token: I'm taking a cab home.

Me: You don't look so good.

Token: I'm taking a cab home.

I gave up after that.

The rest of the evening is a blur of walking to my house taking my pants off and passing the fuck out.

When I awoke on Saturday I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't hung over. I spent Saturday doing things that normal people do. Laundry, showering, cleaning, and watching Thor. Movie was decent. I would have been happier with a hardcore sex scene between the god of thunder and Natalie Portman. In fact I would probably not masturbate for a week if I saw that. I'd be that spent.

So I get a text from Token around 6 pm. "Hey how you feeling?" I felt fine asked him how he was doing. "Ugh a little haggard but I'll be alright. Almost time to do it again." Yea, I said I'll be over in about an hour.

I got over to Ginger and Token's place, they are room mates in case you were wondering, and the first thing they say is "We are NOT drinking Chartreuse again."

We played drinking games till it was time to go out. We arrive at a night club here in town called Vinyl. It is a nice place, I like it.

Apparently I missed the memo, when we were deciding where we were going to go, that included "meet the fat chicks at vinyl" Apparently that is what the plan was. I was so confused as to why we were voluntarily hanging out with the completely un #wangworthy individuals till Token said I know them. I asked him Why? I didn't wait around for an answer I went to go get a drink.

On my way back to join my friends I got stuck. There was an Army of tiny little Asians between me and them. I could see where I wanted to go clearly. In fact me and Token were laughing about it as I could see him because I was at least head and shoulders taller than everyone between us but I couldn't get through. So I remembered what I said about yelling at Asians last week. "Why are there so many Asians!?!" I yelled. They moved, glared at me, but they moved.

We moved to another floor that wasn't so overflowing with tiny people. This is wear the fat chicks really started to get on my nerves. They were scaring away all the hot chicks. I took matters into my own hands.

Me: Hey, why can't I understand a word you're saying?

Her: Caz Um Australian.

Me: So you're a Criminal?

Her: Arsehole.

Me: What is an ARSE and why is there a hole in it?

Hey: ut's jast hugh wa sa ut.

Me: What?

At this point she thought it would be a good idea to sit on my lap. I don't get it. I'm being completely obtuse with her and she thinks this means she can sit on me. She was moving around too much too and jiggled a lot. I  immediately move her off me (I had to ask her to move) Got up from the table and didn't come back till they were out on the dance floor.

When I arrived back at the table, Token informs me that his head hurts and he is going to go home.

Me and Ginger unsupervised for the rest of the evening. What could go wrong?

Fat chick came back for one last attempt.

Her: We have a saying that we use to let people know we find them attractive. (I'm too lazy to type that out in australian)

Me: What?

Her: "I think you're wicked"

Me: What?

Her: I said I think you're wicked.

Me: I can't understand a word you're saying.

When Token left we had no reason what so ever to hang out with the fat chicks. So we didn't.

I had given out pick up lines that we were supposed to use. Ginger's was "How do you feel about ginger kids"  Token's was "How do you feel about men with facial hair?" He doesn't have any, but I do. Mine of course "Hey, you're #wangworthy."

Token didn't get to use his, because he went home. However Ginger was using his and sadly he hair didn't look red in the club so it was kinda a bust. His best line of the night was "Hey, do you know how to hot wire a car."

I only used my wangworthy one once. There really weren't that many wangworthy women there.

I most definitely used it at the most inappropriate time though so it was worth it.

Me: Good evening.

Her: Good evening, How's it going?

Me: Great, I'm feeling fantastic. You look good, definitely wangworthy.

Her: What did you say to me?

Me: Nothing.

Her: I think you should go back inside before I place you under arrest for drunk and disorderly.

Me: Yes officer, wizardsleeve'd bitch.

Her: What did you say.

Me: I said good night.

I was offered a ghost writing job by a very drunk person. I may email him and see where that goes.

Captain Morgan was there handing out foam hats. I wanted one but they ran out. So instead I kept asking random strangers which was better my Captain Morgan's belt buckle or the foam hat. I won hands down. Till eventually someone just gave me the hat because I was awesome. I think it was from a group of guy's that were having a bachelor party and I joined them at some point and made it better.

Unlike the Bachelorette party we joined and I tried to amp up but the bride to be, kept yawning and they eventually left. That is when I tweeted the "Lamest Bachelorette party ever, not one blow-job"

It was the walk home where I think I trumped my last weekend shenanigans. I payed a homeless guy to go distract some cops. So that is what he did. He went started yelling like an idiot. Just random incoherent words and then ran down an ally. I should say we were right outside a Mac's convenience store and a late night pizza place. So like 15 people there, just standing around.While the cops were off chasing the homeless guy.  I went and took a piss on their car in front of everyone.

I got a massive cheer, some free pizza, and an 8 ball of cocaine.

I don't do cocaine anymore so I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Any ideas?

I eventually made it home, and passed out.

I awoke on Sunday bolting upright in one of those panic moments. I was relieved that I was at home, and alone. Then the hang over kicked in. I eventually made it over to Junior's place to feed his cat. That is all I accomplished on Sunday though.

Friday, August 19, 2011

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Women.

There is a problem. 

A big problem. 

Well OK it isn't that big of a problem. 

It is an issue that needs to be dealt with.

Women. I love you all dearly, as long as you aren't stupid. The problem is a lot of you are.

I'll admit that "ARE stupid" and "DO stupid things" are different. Here are some quotes from some people more famous than I am. Famous people have to know their shit right?

Forrest Gump's Mom: "Stupid is as stupid does."

Batman: "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."

So eventually when you continue to DO stupid things it eventually defines you as BEING stupid, I didn't make the rules, Batman and Forrest's Mom did.

I read a lot of blogs written by women. In fact most of the blogs I read are from women. I grew up surrounded by women. I'd like to think I understand women. I'm wrong, but I like to think it.

There are certain stereotypes that are applied to women.

"Blondes are dumb." Why discriminate by hair color.

"Women always go for the asshole." It's so true that it makes me wish I was a bigger asshole to women.

"Women are more emotional than men." This one I'm going to have to say is situational.

Now that I've gone on a rant and probably lost a few followers (probably women being too emotional) I'm going to explain myself.

I read an article today called "Does Atheism Have a Misogyny Problem?" (read it) Surprisingly it isn't the Atheism that I want to talk about.

In the article, a woman, at an atheist conference, was approached in an elevator at 4 am and was asked a question. "Hey, I find you really interesting and was wondering if you'd like to join me in my room for a coffee so we can talk more." This was after they had hung out all night at the bar.

The problem I have is this turned into a huge issue that was debated on for a while. What was the debate? Was this man out of line? Where did this debate start? The woman in question said that it was wildly inappropriate and creepy. Other people said that it was a non issue. Que Shitstorm. It's the fact that the woman wouldn't let it go and escalated the situation into a massive scandal that I have the bases to call her stupid.

I'm going to go out there and say For Fuck's Sake woman, take a compliment and deal with it.

If the roles had been reversed or twisted just a little bit so that it was me in the elevator and a gay man (larger than I am, it plays a role in why the woman was uncomfortable) were to come up to me and say the same thing. If I reacted the same way she did I'd be labelled intolerant. This woman is either very stupid for being so sensitive to what should be flattering, or brilliant for all the PR that she is getting. I think she is stupid because now everyone else is going to think she is hypersensitive.

Next I touched on this earlier in the stereotypes part. "Women go for assholes."

I hate to over analyze another blogger but it is the most pertinent story I've got at the moment.

LittleMissME lives a life of fun and over the top shenanigans. Kinda like me. That is why I love her.

I'm beginning to question her intelligence though, (sorry) She has this guy that she knows is using her. He basically treats her like property. Does she stand up for herself? Does she kick him in the nuggets? No, she has sex with him repeatedly. (I'm not airing dirty laundry here, you can read all about it on her blog) A couple times I can say is "doing" something stupid. At what point though does she cross that line into "being" stupid?

I understand the need to feel wanted, I do. I also understand what self respect is. So For Fuck's Sake Woman, grow a backbone. Know when to say no to a bad situation.

There, I showed two sides of the same coin. A woman that takes a normal query for a cup of coffee and turns it into a scandal and a woman that throws herself into bad situation after bad situation with the same guy.

I'm sure if I thought about it long and hard for a minute I could come up with other stupid things women do. However this will have to do, I've got work to do.

Disclaimer: I in no way am saying that men aren't stupid and I in no way am saying that I do not do stupid things. 

I know I'm not perfect, my moniker is "Not the Hero" for fuck's sake. 

I am going to say though that I generally learn from my stupid actions. I love learning which is probably why I run head first into whatever situation I can get myself into. The key though, is learning. If you don't learn from your past stupidity then you really are going to continue to be stupid. 

Later Days,

PS. I actually said sorry, so this has to be my most heartfelt post right? 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesday. Life Coaching edition

Today, What the fuck Wednesday is brought to by a very very awkward young lady that I happen to work with at my second job.

I think it is flattering whenever someone is infatuated with me. I can even understand how it can come about. I'm smart, decently attractive, and have my life together. Why am I single again? Oh yea because I do shit like what I pulled on Saturday.

This is the girl I tried to write about on Friday when blogger decided it wanted to be a dick and handicap my post. So instead I'm going to talk about it for this what the fuck Wednesday post.

I remember being in high school. It wasn't even that long ago. I remember taking a certain course called Career and Personal Planning. or CAPP. It was the course where they are supposed to teach us how to succeed in life personally and professionally. Who would have guessed? Well the problem was, the teacher they got to teach it. Did they find someone that had success in life? Someone that was happy where they ended up?

 No. They didn't.

Instead they got the social reject of the school to teach the course. Do you want to know what I learned in that class. I learned to play the card game "asshole" and how to play the "band game".

The band game is a first letter last letter game. I say Seether the next person says Rancid the next person says Drop Kick Murphys so on and so forth.

The worst part is that the teacher would play with us. The sad thing is, this had been going on for years. I'm worried.

Why am I worried? Is it because the youth of today won't know how to balance a check book? Who the fuck uses a check book. Is it because the youth today don't know how to do CPR. Auto-Defibrillators work better anyway. (these were things in the curriculum)

No. I'm fucking worried because the vast majority of youth today don't have any clue how to interact with people. Sure they can type up a blog, chat on facebook, or they can go and be little racist, misogynists on 4chan. I can guarantee though that the vast majority of these kids people do not actually have any idea how to get up in front of a group of strangers and tell them about anything for 5 minutes.

Why do I feel so confident in this guarantee?

When I was in college I had to take a course that was basically the same thing as CAPP. At that point however it was almost too late. Not for me. I'm awesome. No, it was too late for my classmates.

When it came time for the impromptu presentations, (which we were allowed to prepare in advance, we just wouldn't know when we would be giving them) the silent pauses between sentences, the "um" "hmm" "uhh"s were all too prevalent. Those were the majority of students. I'm not including the one that threw up before he even made it to the front of the class. I'm not going to bother with the kid that shook so bad that he couldn't read the paper he was holding. I kinda don't even want to mention the thirty two year old that started crying.

Yes I understand that public speaking is hard. This wasn't even strangers though, these were classmates and we weren't talking about anything hard. One classmate did his presentation on how to tie a tie.

Public speaking still too much of an issue? Fine I'll take it down a notch. Interviews. I've never really had to do an interview till recently. Now that I have, I understand why I'm told I interview well. Some of these people, some older than I am, shake uncontrollably the entire time. Their voice sounds like they are going to cry. It's a job people, relax, show some confidence.

I've kinda been going on a tangent here but I promise that it ties back to the awkward chick.

Instead of me getting credit for playing card games and upgrading my vocabulary of band names in high school I would have liked to see some interview preparation. Public speaking coaching.

Not only that but relationship coaching.

I may be a little harsh on this girl because she may be intimidated by me, but I'm still only human. She follows me around like a puppy and smiles at me like a heroin addict that just shot up. It creeps me out but I can't say anything because so far there hasn't been any blatant advance, so it's just awkward.

Why doesn't she say something to me instead of making it awkward? It isn't just awkward for me. The rest of the staff have also noticed.

I don't exactly know how to go about educating young people on the ups and downs of human relationships but anything would be better than what we have.

So many young people are socialized by playing "World of Warcraft". They are taught that sitting behind a computer screen is just as social as talking to someone's face.

We are raising a generation of anti-social neck bearded basement dwellers. The amount of 30 yr olds that live at home with mommy and daddy makes me sick.

I follow a lot of blogs that are about dating. The reason why they are able to blog about it in the fist place is because it takes a long time to find a decent match. You'd think with things like eharmony and trying to match people by personality and such that it would actually be easier. It should be.

The problem is the mass majority of people don't have the normal social skills that used to be instilled in everyone before the internet became so prevalent.

What the fuck is up with peoples complete and utter lack of social skills? Can we make it a mandatory part of the education system? Is there an easy solution?

Monday, August 15, 2011

Hung over Monday: Shenanigans

If I didn't write these posts in chronological order I would have no idea where to start.

The good news, I'm not hung over... yet. 

The bad news, Vegas might be getting evicted because of me. 

Friday night was low key. After a long work week I didn't really want to do anything, so I didn't.

Saturday however is another story.

Started as my Saturdays have been lately. At the park laying in the sun. However because it was just me and J at the park it got old real quick. She wanted to just lay in the sun. I wanted to play Frisbee and go swimming. We both got bored and left.

I invited a couple of friends out to go sit on a patio and it was perfect. There is a bar here in town called Melrose. It is "the heart of the red mile" The red mile is what 17th avenue here turns into during hockey season because everyone is wearing red Flames jerseys.

The food was good the beer was better. Me and Vegas were drinking Sapporo. Really nice beer for drinking on a patio. After a solid amount of time I think about 3 hours of sitting and chilling we decide it will be a great time to get the evening going.

We go back to Vegas' place because it is closest, and he had booze. We listen to some cello music just to get amped up. Seriously.

Watch these guys and you'll be good to go.

We then head over to Ginger's place to drink some more. I learned a valuable lesson. I can drink Jack Daniels again. I even remember most of the night. Most of it I wish I didn't. 

I think I figured out why K broke up with me on her birthday. I do stupid things. 

We went to a night club where nothing fantastic happened except I drank more.

After the bar we were walking down the road and J was complaining that her tits were cold. 

Somewhere in my brain this was my solution to her tits being cold.
 Sorry for the shit quality Vegas was the photographer and well he was drunk too. Needless to say if you can't tell my shirt is over my head and my pants are pulled down so that I look like a gangster. My belt was also undone, and I'm wearing my aviators. It's 2 am FYI.

We walked by a lot of people and I got a lot of compliments. Might have been because we walked by a gay bar but hey I'll take what I can get.

I got punched in the stomach at some point which caused an involuntary purge of my bladder.

We walked around for about an hour and a bit. Me yelling at traffic and strangers alike. J eventually got so embarrased by me that she refused to walk on the same side of the street.

She then called me retarded.

So I threw a bit of tantrum. Jumping up and down like a maniac yelling at J across the street. We were right by a Tim Horton's and if anyone knows anything about Tim Horton's and police officers is that they go hand in hand. There happened to be a handful of cops there, but they were on their break and just laughed at me. 

We go back to Vegas's place and I fell into his closet and stayed in there for a while because I didn't want to be the brunt of any coming out of the closet jokes. 

We found this parasol, or sun umbrella if you will that belongs to this real douche nugget of a neighbor Vegas has. The guy is a hoarder, a bad one. So bad in fact he has a mini van in a parking stall that doesn't move, it is just filled with useless shit. He gets mad at me for parking in a spare stall when he takes up three. So... 

I did what any obnoxious inebriated asshole would do. I climbed on top of the van and took a dookie in the umbrella, folded it back up and stuck it under the windshield wiper for him to find in the morning. 

I then went back inside drank some more, dove on top of J yelling "Want to cuddle?" Rolled over and passed out.

Sunday I woke up and went and did the only thing I could think of to get rid of my hang over. I sat on a patio and drank with one of my old students. Who is three years older than me. It was a good day of people watching. We saw a whole bunch of hipsters we laughed at. Some douche bags with "Ed Hardy" tattoos. Which takes dedication to douchebaggery to a whole new level. He was wearing a shirt that said TUFF on it. Furthering my believe that he was retarded because he bought a shirt with improper spelling.

Eventually Vegas joined us for some booze and poutine. I was remarkably exhausted by the time I got home around 10 and promptly fell asleep to wake up for work this morning. Where I failed to be productive either blogging or designing. It has been a wasted day, but boy was that weekend awesome. I really need to find someone sober to follow me around with a tape recorder.

Quote from Saturday:
 J: "Stop yelling at the Asians!"

ME: "It's OK to yell at Chinese people because mandarin is written so small they have better vision than hearing."

Quote from Sunday said by my student:

Student: "You should come join us" Said to some women. (one of them had this weird thing on her lip I didn't know what it was)

Her: "Nah I think we are going to Moxies, you should join us." She was then joined by a bald headed guy with sequins on his pants. They started walking away

Student: "Good luck with the herpes and that other guy." Turns to me and says "I ain't going anywhere with that."

I even mentioned to my waitress on Sunday that "I'm pretty sure that Jesus smelled like Anal lube and popcorn"  line that I came up with a while ago. I was telling the Student that story when she walked up to the table.

I have to be the coolest ex-college professor ever.

Later Days,

Friday, August 12, 2011

For Fuck Sakes Friday. Fuck you blogger.

I wrote this marvelous post about this chick who has a thing for me and it's really awkward but blogger ate it, shit it out and now it looks like
This guy wrote it.

I want to stab blogger in the neck with a hepatitis infected prison shank. 

I've got too much shit to deal with at work right now. You'll get the post when I say so. 

Fuck you blogger, I hope you fall down ass first onto a cactus.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

What the fuck Wednesday? My childhood / crazy parents edition.

Welcome to "What the fuck Wednesday"

In this week's edition I'm going to talk about my crazy parents and my childhood. Honestly, it's just my mom because my dad hasn't had a spine or an opinion in my life.  I'm really tempted to tell you my real name because honestly it is a great starting point to how my life got flip turned upside down. I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there. I'll tell you how I came to be the fresh prince of ... wait what? Oh yea where was I?  I will say this, my name and all my siblings names don't start with the same letter. No my parents thought that was too cliche. Nope, my parents decided that they were going to use my last name as a theme.

So add one weird fucked up name, and my childhood perspective is getting ready to be seen from the patch of skin between the balls and the brown eye, also known as the Chode.

I know what your thinking. There is no way a weird name is responsible for how fucked up I turned out. I know.

What do Salt Lake City Utah, Palmyra New York, Nauvoo Illinois, and Cardston Alberta have in common?


I'm not going to give you a history lesson on the Mormons because well it's boring and involves a whole lot of religious persecution which I used to think was unique but it turns out anyone religious in that time period was pretty much lynched. What changed? Can we go back to lynching or tar and feathering religious nuts?

Anyway the Mormons ended up in the Salt Lake valley eventually making it into a city. Then they go and send their 19 yr old sons out to the world to try and sell Joseph Smith's particular brand of Jesus.

"Mormon Jesus: Now with more sin cleaning power, Look as we compare Catholic Jesus to Mormon Jesus. The sins come right out without any guilt residue."

(I tried to get the sham-wow/slap-chop guy to do the commercial but it turns out he's still in jail for slap-chopping a whore. I guess he was looking at targeting the prison population for sham-wows. I'm pretty sure everyone on the outside has one)

So one of these 19 yr old Jesus salesmen gets sent to Toronto, Ontario. Where, as my mom would say, "God arranged for him to come into her life and show her the light."

My mother was converted and then went back to her home town and told my father, her boyfriend at the time, that if he loved her, he would convert for her. In one swift motion, she removed my fathers spine. I don't even think he noticed.

Fast forward to the good part. I was born on a cold November morning in 1984.

I am going to tell you something that will show I've had disdain for my mother since the beginning. When I came out, my little baby fingernails were peeled backward. I had been trying to claw my way out of my mother. She says the last trimester was very uncomfortable.

Being raised Mormon is different than being raised normally. For instance, I didn't have any more than 2 TV channels my entire life. I was only allowed to watch 3 things. Hockey, Disney, and Saturday morning cartoons. Not the good ones either, no transformers, no GI Joes. Nope I was left with shit like Wishbone, Care-bears (I still don't like crab apple pie), Teddy Ruxbin, Fraggle rock, and Inspector Gadget.

The Church did such a good job making certain things sound so evil. They gave things so much negative stigma that it became tantamount to death to even consider doing these things. What things? Caffeine, masturbation, sex, booze, crude language, fighting, and doing "anything" on a Sunday. I was, however, allowed to eat bacon, and for that I am grateful.

By the time I was in school, I had been barred from so many normal socializing experiences that I was already considered to be eccentric. How many eccentric 5 yr olds do you know? It didn't take long for me to get a solid punch in the face. Literally. Like day 2 of kindergarten.

When I was six yrs old my parents thought I was retarded. Like really really stupid. They got me "hooked on phonics" Which I finished in record time. A hollow victory, kinda like winning the Special Olympics. This confused the hell out of my parents.

Why did they think I was retarded when I was 6? I drew a picture with the sky purple, the sun green, the grass red, and the tree a different color red, with brown leaves. It turns out I am color blind. But thanks to hooked on phonics I was now able to read the crayons so I knew what colors I was using.

This next bit is a little touchy and I'm not sure how I feel about letting the world know about it but whatever I'll deal with it.

I lost my virginity around that same time period aged 5 or 6. I can't remember exactly when.

OH MY GOD!!!! I can hear coming from all over the world as people read this. First, no I wasn't abused. I've went to see a therapist about this and he agrees. I wasn't abused. People seem to think that because I was so young that I must have been abused. Wrong. I was told about sex and masturbation by one of my best friends at the time. Now my therapist figures that my friend may have been abused. I think he just came from a liberal household. I still know him and the family and I'm 99 percent sure there wasn't any abuse going on. He said he found his dads "Better sex" book, with pictures and stories and I believe him.

So, found out what sex was, decided to try it. Neighborhood girl was into it. The rest is history. INB4: "You can't have sex that young!" Umm yes you can, so shut the fuck up.

My parents never had a clue any of this was happening.

This was also the time period I learned that lying was easy. It also allowed me to get in less trouble.

I continued being raised Mormon and hated just about every moment of it.

My older sister, when I was younger, used to thrive on tormenting me, and manipulating my mother at the same time so that it would be my fault. When I mean my fault, I mean I got in deep shit for stuff I never did.

For instance my family was driving across Canada to go see my grandfather in Ontario. My sister decides that she is bored and wedges her shoe under my seat so that it is pushing up on my ass. I growl and groan till my mom turns around and tells my sister to stop it. My sister than shows my mother her feat saying she can't be doing it. I get pulled out of the car and spanked for lying and trying to get my sister in trouble. I rode the rest of the day with a shoe being shoved up my ass, after all, I was just "imagining" it.

This started when I was about 7 and went till my sister moved away when I was 14. It was a daily thing. My mother would always side with my sister because she was the good little angel that never got in trouble. I hate when parents play favorites. (this is the time period that I tried to commit suicide)

My teen years were spent living 2 lives. I was the Mormon child my mother wanted me to be at home. However, at school I was a little tyrant and did whatever the hell I felt like. I was a good student as well so I got away with just about everything. (I'm talking about drinking rye and coke then having sex on a Sunday type everything)

Every once in a while those lives would run into each other and I'd have to do damage control, lie here, manipulate there. It all got so very tiresome.

When I was 14 I started fainting. I know "Manly" right. Well, they couldn't figure out what was causing it. So my mother accused me of faking it for attention. 2 years later, still trying to figure out what is wrong with me and my mother thoroughly convinced now that I'm faking it. I roll my parents mini-van off of a cliff. (The firemen, first on the scene, were getting the jaws of life ready, when I told them I was the only one in the vehicle, the paramedics laughed a lot when they saw I was wearing a superman T-shirt)

I was diagnosed with exercise induced Neurally Mediated Syncope. I'm way to lazy to explain it but, the doctor wanted to give me a pacemaker.... at 16. I said no and lost my license for a year till I went back and passed the tilt table test. Which I had failed, with record time, the first time through. (the test takes an hour,  I failed in 46 seconds the first time through,)

I grew out of it and eventually turned 19.

I was called to serve my mission in London England. I went to the Preston missionary training center in England. I lasted roughly 11 days before I said "Fuck this! I'm sick of doing things to keep my mother happy." and ended that second life and just continued on with the other one. I also decided that lying was something I wasn't going to do anymore.

This is where my relationship with my mother becomes strained. This is when I told my mother the truth. This is when she cried a lot. This is when she started telling me that I'm going to hell. (I know Mormons don't believe in hell, but it's the same thing)

My mother has openly told me that as long as I'm dating a woman that isn't Mormon she will not approve. My mom writes me a letter every year trying to guilt trip me to going back to church. My mother blames me for my sisters leaving the church. My mother won't let my 9 yr old brother out of her sight because she thinks that he will have the same sexual experiences I did as a child.

My mother has openly admitted that she is delusional, but likes the delusions because without them she wouldn't want to live.

My Mother is sarcastic but not in a nice funny way. My friends and extended family consider her a bitch. One of the biggest, she isn't very good at veiling her hatred. I don't even know if she tries to. She doesn't like anything or anyone that fucks with her family. Which is awkward when it is me she says is fucking with her family.

I love my mother because she is my mother and did a decent job of raising me, but I don't like my mother because of what and who she is.

I don't' know if I did a very good job about explaining my Mother. I guess all I can do is tell you about my childhood from my perspective and hope you understand.

My father, however little of a parental influence on me he had, was awesome. Still is awesome, he took me camping, fishing and all the normal stuff fathers are supposed to do with their sons. How such a cool guy got stuck with my mother I will never know. I'm pretty sure my father would have left my mother a long time ago if it wasn't for us kids.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Hung over Monday: Jack Shit Edition.

This weekend, I'm not going to lie and say that it was super duper awesome extraordinaire, because it wasn't. My mood from Friday seemed to carry through most of the weekend.

Friday I said some things that were pissing me off. I mentioned that I lost a follower. To be honest, I don't even know who it was, so I can't really be that mad. I don't really pay attention other than to see if the number is the same or not. I don't write to gain followers. I write because I like it. So Sorry for the follower comment I love you all and hope you have many great nights of amazing sex.

This weekend, lets see where should I start. Umm Friday, yea that was a whole bunch of Grand Marnier on the rocks on Junior's deck. It was nice.

Saturday we floated down the river. I know it isn't very exciting for you guys when I do the same thing every weekend, but I like it so get bent.

Poker, I played a couple games of poker this weekend. I lost the first game on Saturday night but won the game on Sunday. So I actually made money.

Sunday after poker I lounged around relaxing.

I did have a couple interesting things happen to me though.

First as I'm sure anyone that was paying attention to their twitter feed yesterday knows I was in a car accident. The doctor says it looks like I'll make a full recovery from all the injuries I sustained. This is probably due to the fact that it was a no damage accident that we drove away from and traffic wasn't even effected because the light was red when it happened and we were good to go by the time it turned green.

Second, I can't complain about bad luck for a while. I think I may have used up a fair chunk of my stored up luck Saturday night.

Saturday we go float the river, we arrive at the drop off spot and get ready and I close all the doors to my FJ and lock it up. We will come back and get it later. Float the river, don't make it back to the car. My sister ends up giving me a ride back to my car on Sunday morning, roughly 18 hours later.

I arrive to see that I can see right into the drivers window, like it isn't there.

Me: "Is my driver's side window smashed."

Sister: "Doesn't look like there is any glass"

I wander over and sure enough there isn't a window there. Turns out, however that it was just rolled down. That is right, I left the drivers side window rolled all the way down and left my vehicle there over night. Just sitting in a park.

The awesome thing. The FJ was still locked and nothing, I mean "Nothing" had moved. Not the money I had sitting in the cup holder. Not Junior's House keys that were in plain sight on the dashboard. Not even Ginger's  iphone and keys that were also in plain sight on the back seat.

I don't think anyone even glanced into my car while it was sitting there.

I am one lucky Son of a Bitch. (I'm not even including the cops we tricked into thinking we were drinking "Just Pop, officer!", followed by a "Yea looks like pop to me". Twice.)

Today's "Hung over Monday" isn't much of a post, because I didn't do anything this weekend. I'm not a fucking machine. I need a weekend of doing nothing every once in a while. Get off my back.

Later Days,

Disclaimer: Don't read this if you don't want to know depressing shit.
Ps. I know now, why I was so pissed off on Friday. It is the same reason that I'm pissed off today. I told you all about how I had to get a second job in order to get caught up on bills, fines and warrants and all that shit. Well I'm pissed off because it is going to take longer than I expected. Like about 3 or 4 times as long. It isn't looking like I'll make it to Cuba this year. ( I keep getting fucking stupid tickets, Friday morning I got a red light ticket in the mail for $287 add that onto the rest. FUUUUUU....)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Novel Friday can F@!# off.

I've noticed that no one actually gives a shit about my other blog where I'm currently letting you read my unpublished novel for free, so I'm no longer going to be posting updates on this blog. If you want to read it I'll put a link up top. I'll do a little plug whenever I update it, but other than that you get nothing. Ungrateful little twerps. (PS. There will be a new chapter up today)

Why am I so irritable on this nice sunny Friday? I'm going to say a mixture of things. 

First, I think I managed to offend one of my followers, they left me. It's their fault for reading past the fucking warning. 

Second, I slept like shit, and this coffee isn't doing the trick. 

Third, my second job isn't putting as much money into my pocket as I was hoping it was going to. Fucking people need to learn to tip better. 

Forth, for those of you that weren't on twitter last night, or that don't follow me on there (shame on you) I went out with Ride Home girl last night for drinks. More on this later. 

Fifth, the weather forecast for the weekend went from "Wahoo, sunshine!" to "What the fuck is a funnel cloud doing over downtown?" 

Sixth, I still have a very long day ahead of me. 

I suppose I do have some things to be happy about. WTFW, or for those of you that just plain suck at acronyms, "What the Fuck Wednesday" was a success. It is officially my most popular post. 

Tomorrow I don't have to work. 

The last reason to be slightly happy today is I still have my legs and they still work. Yay for being able to walk. Go Me. 

So I know some of you are dying to find out what happened last night with Ride Home girl. I'm afraid to say that nothing, abso-fucking-lutely nothing. 

She tells me that she is getting people to go out for drinks because it is her last day. I waited around for her to be off work so that I could either give her a ride home or go out for drinks with her. 

We go out for drinks. Sounds all crazy romantic right? It wasn't. There was Me, three other guys, and her. I mean I've never run a train on a girl before, and I don't plan on it, so this wasn't shaping up to be much of anything. 

We are at the first bar, one of the guys didn't bring his ID so he gets kicked out, we follow, even though I knew that no matter where we went he was going to get ID'd and even said as much. Second bar, same thing. Finally after much diliberation, FINALLY, everyone decides that we should go to a restaurant so that even if they ID him he can just not order alcohol. We go to this nice quaint little family restaurant that did last call at 11. Exciting stuff. I had time for one beer. 

So everyone is slowly starting to leave and Ride Home girl says, "Hero, Can you take me home?" 

Of course I can, and I do. However on the ride home she informs me that her and another one of the guys, that doesn't have a day job, are going to go out clubbing and have a dance or 12. Great. 

I drop her off outside her apartment and get out and give her a hug. She leaves for California tomorrow to go to school. She tells me that she isn't going to go out tonight but has to pack. 

I go home. The end. 

A rather anti-climatic ending to the Ride Home girl saga. What a disappointing story, where surprise surprise, I am Not the Hero yet again.

Later Days,

(What the fuck is up with my mood today, I'm so irritable it is pissing me off)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

What the fuck Wednesday? Bad Sex Edition.

In order to bring some order to the Chaos that is my brain and therefore my blog I'm going to try and stick to certain themes on certain days. Random Girl has soft-core Friday. Simple dude has half ass'd weekend posts. There are a couple people out there that do the Sunday Confessions, and there are thousands of other themes out there that other bloggers follow and I like the structure... for now.

Everyone who has been around since at least Monday knows that I have a weekly theme called "Hung over Monday". It is a great way for me to summarize my weekend because I never post on weekends and it is named such because I'm almost always nursing either a day old hang over or a brand spanking new one. So I want to have one for Wednesday where I can take on strange topics and answer random questions.

As it stands now the theme shall be called "What the Fuck Wednesdays"

I'm going to preface this post by saying there is blatant sexuality, sexual references, and a whole bunch of shit that most people would find offensive read on at own risk.

Today's "What the fuck Wednesday" is brought to you by. Madame Kinky. She asked me about my Friday night's horizontal tango that was more of a two step (in, out, in, out) and how exactly does one have bad sex.

Surprisingly enough when you gain "experience" past a certain "number" that I've lost track of a while ago. You can become a connoisseur of sex, the same way someone that has drank a couple hundred bottles of wine is a sommelier.

Let's start with what sucked about Friday night's sex. This is a list, in order.

1. I was drunk.
2. She was drunk.
3. She wasn't "that" attractive.
4. Her Vagina was Cavernous.
5. I was tired.
6. She wasn't willing to do any of the work.
7. My stamina is almost a curse.
8. She doesn't do anal.
9. She doesn't give Blowjobs.

Now you're going to ask "In order of what?" That is the order in which I found things out.

Number 1
I was drunk. Yes indeed I was. Therefore, co-ordination goes right out the window, as well as complete sensory awareness. (I was lucky I could feel my face). I could still get it up; I don't think I've ever had a problem with that. (Quite the opposite actually, bastard goes hard when I least expect it).

She was drunk.
Number 2, She was drunk. I don't exactly know at what state of drunkenness she was at but it was to such a point that she went home to have sex with a stranger. So I'm going to just guess and say "Loser pissed" (that is a quote from a cop from Sunday talking about a girl floating down the river) So Loser pissed chicky didn't exactly do well at... well anything. The swaying motion side to side during doggy style was kind of nice.

Number 3: She wasn't that attractive. Now, I'm a man of simple tastes. I fantasize about the usual shit that men fantasize about. One of the most common ones I have is to picture the perfect looking woman and have a wank and it's done relatively fast. So because of this when I have sex with an attractive woman I tend to really enjoy it and because I don't fantasize about having sex with Sea dragons, farm animals or anything from a science fiction movie I find that unless I'm attracted to the girl she is going to have to put a little more effort into getting me off.

Number 4. There once was a guy that was diddling this girl and just as she finished up he notices that he has lost his wrist watch. So he puts his head down there to have a look. While he is down there the girl yawns and the negative pressure in her chest cavity causes a vacuum effect on her Vagina, swallowing the man, sucking him inside, whole. He yells into the darkness. "Hello?" ... hello... hello" it echoes off the walls. "Hi! ... Hi.... hi"  came the reply. "Have you seen my watch?.... seen my watch?... my watch?.... watch? ".  "Fuck your watch, Where's my Firetruck? ...Firetruck?.... Firetruck?"

In all seriousness this thing was huge. Without any effort I could almost get my fist in. (I don't have small fists) I know there is the fetish of "fisting" out there and some women like it, but there has always been one thing that bothered me. What the fuck does the man get out of it?

Massive vagina means that because I'm not hung like a Louisville slugger I'm not really going to feel anything. Hot-dog down a hallway, isn't that bad of a metaphor. If that isn't enough, I've got a better one. Ever been tickled by a feather? Compare that to a 250 pound man giving you a shiatsu. That would be the difference between a loose pussy and a tight one. I felt a vague slippery sensation through the condom, not nearly enough to rock my socks.

Ladies do your Kegels. I do my towel raises, the least you can do is your part.

Number 5: I had just worked a solid 14 hour day, followed by a rather eventful evening at the bar. I was tired. Therefore I didn't want to be the only one putting effort into it.

Number 6: Lazy little bitch didn't want to do any work. Company that with how tired I was and we are going to get some, "No, you go on top" followed by a "Fuck you, you want to get laid, you get on top."

Number 7: I can have sex for a long time. I can usually, if anything is working for me, cum on command or hold off till the time is right. Unless the girl is good in bed then the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and I jizz in my pants. where ever I happen to be pointed. However, because absolutely nothing was working for me this evening the only thing that was going to get me off was going to be my hand. I didn't want to insult her that bad but looking back now I wish I had finished with a wank.

Number 8: So needless to say once I figured out vaginal sex just wasn't going to do it for me I stuck my thumb in her asshole. She didn't like that. I learned she doesn't do anal.

Number 9. After finding out that I wasn't going to get off from any form of intercourse I asked her if she would give me a polish. She also said no to that.

What a boring fucking lay. I finally just said "Fuck it. Good on ya. I'm going to sleep" word for word.

There are other things that can help make sex good that she didn't do. For instance, She didn't make any noise other than when she came. She didn't touch me with anything other than her vagina, and that was barely.  She could have pulled my hair, grabbed my hand, anything. You know let me know that I wasn't having sex with a worn out pocket pussy.

So yes you can have bad sex. A good benchmark to know if the sex was good or bad; think about what you would have been doing if not for the sex, if you think that might have been a better plan, the sex sucked.

I think sleep would have been a better idea.

Later Days,

I'm going to say as well, that sexual etiquette is different when you are fucking someone you want to date vs someone you don't even know's name. Before anyone says I'm disrespectful to women I want you to know that I forgive you for wasting time that should be spent making sandwiches.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Constructive Criticism

Now I always like to know why the object of my desire doesn't like me. It could be my ears are too big. It could be that my sense of style is a little off. Most of the time for me though it is because I'm an asshole.

I've been told I'm brutally honest. I always thought honesty was a trait to be admired. Apparently that is only to a point. However I do have a good story that outlines both the rules and my inability to umm I believe the word is tact.

This young lady was very nice. A friend of my old room mate's girlfriend. We were all hanging out one night and my room mate and his girlfriend were laying in bed and it was getting late so me being the nice guy I am, I told her friend that she could sleep in my bed with me. Now this isn't what you are thinking. I didn't find her attractive. I was literally just being nice. She thought I was going to be "nice" to her.

When she found out that I had no intention of being "nice" we started talking.

The Friend: "So you invite me to your bed and then don't do anything when you get me here"

Me: "Well I have no intention of just sleeping with you. I don't do that anymore. I only sleep with a girl I'm dating or want to date."

The Friend:  "Well I'd date you if you wanted"

Me: "Well to be honest I just don't like you that way." (see I learned my lesson after the Sea Dragon Incident)

The Friend: "And why not? We get along I know you, you know me. I think you're attractive."

Me: "Well I don't think you're attractive."

The Friend: "Why not?" (See this is where I think that I'm off the hook for being an asshole because she asked.)

Me: "Well if you were to drop sixty pounds I'd find you attractive."

The Friend: "Are you fucking serious? I can't believe you just said that. You can't be serious."

Me: "Nope, I mean it. Now your right on a couple things. You are smart, fun, and have a good sense of humor. You also call me on my shit when I'm being retarded. But I don't find you attractive. Now call me shallow but I'm a realist and I know that in order for a relationship to work I have to find someone attractive, and you my dear would be hot if you dropped sixty pounds."

The Friend: "I only way one hundred, eighty pounds. You want me to weigh one hundred, twenty." (she is only about 5'3)

Me: "Yes, hell I'd even settle if you lost fifty."

The Friend: "You'd SETTLE!!!"

(I got slapped at some point along this conversation, actually I think it was a couple times)

Me: "Well I wouldn't say settle after you lost the weight."

The Friend: "Wow I can't believe you. You are such an asshole."

She then called a friend, got picked up and left. I rolled over and went to sleep. I have talked to her once since then. I found out she lost thirty pounds because of me. She did it properly too, with a change in diet and exercise. She also got a boyfriend (after she lost the weight) who actually finds her "fucking hot" to quote her. I think she was trying to rub it in my face, but she was still chubby, so I didn't notice till now.

See, my blatant honesty and constructive criticism helped her out. She was pissed off when she got my feedback but it got her healthy and got her laid. Why do I seem like the bad guy in this story?

I should clarify that constructive criticism should be things they can change. Things they can't change shouldn't be commented on. For example "you have a big nose" doesn't help anyone, or "You're an asshole". I know I'm an asshole of sorts, I've tried being nice it usually just comes across as creepy, so I just stick to being me. 

In the end, maybe tact would be something that would make sure this works out better for others. Regardless I think it is a valuable part of dating and self improvement.

Later Days

Monday, August 1, 2011

Hung over Monday: August long weekend edition.

Ok I know this post is later in the day Monday than It usually is and that is because I didn't have to get out of bed at all today if I didn't want to. I am going to tell you that I'm not wearing pants because I don't have to wear pants today if I don't want to. That is right today is a holiday for me, so for the last three days I've been doing various things.

Friday Night.

I actually worked Friday night till around 9 pm at my second job that is like a shot to the pride. However without that job I would not have met Ride Home Girl. The little 19 year old. Well guess what? I was giving her another ride home on Friday and we were talking about plans for the night and weekend and all that. I can't remember whose idea it was mine or hers but she ended up coming out with me and Vegas. (who now has his own blog, I'm so proud.)

After running around trying to get her ready and me ready after being at work and smelling like bbq sauce and beer, (I had a keg blow up on me at work) She got ready faster than I did and wow did she look fantastic, this tiny little black and white number. I get a chubby just thinking about it.

We end up at Vegas' place by 10. We had to wait for Bart to show up. He doesn't get a nickname. He isn't a main character in my life. While we were waiting for Bart to show up we started drinking. I managed to keep track of the amount I drank that night and for your convenience I am going to write it in list form.

Before the bar:

4 Strongbow

3 shots of grand marnier 

At the bar:

3 double tequila sunrises (no picture for this because no matter how hard I try I can't find a manly version of the drink.)

2 lemon drops. (no picture for the same reason) 

I'm going to point out that I drank all of this before 1 am. That means I drank everything above in three hours. Surprisingly I could still walk when ride home girl decided that it was time she went home. Without me. 

Apparently she had to work the next day. I think she said that earlier in the evening but to be honest I wasn't paying attention. She does have a habit of bailing without warning, just gets up and leaves. It is kind of irritating. 

Anyway, when I'm drunk on tequila bad things happen. 

Everyone knows that I don't drink whiskeys or bourbons or the such because it wipes out my short term memory and I forget everything that happens. Well I love drinking tequila because it stops that little voice in the melon I talked about before. 

After Ride home girl leaves I go to try and find Vegas and Bart. As I was to find out the next day Vegas went home because I was busy with Ride home girl and Bart was getting a BJ in the bathroom.  Bart ended up going back to Vegas' place shortly after the BJ. I didn't know this so I was wandering around the night club aimlessly. When I start randomly talking to this chick, we dance a little and get to know each other.

Next thing I know I'm back at my place balls deep. The sex, was bad. Like really bad. I didn't even get to finish. I could have faked it but I didn't care about this girls feelings. I just wanted to get my rocks off and I couldn't so I said fuck it. Rolled over and went to sleep. 

You'll notice that I haven't given this new girl a name. To be honest it's because I don't know it myself. I don't normally like taking girls home from the bar. It isn't in my end game plan of meeting a woman I can have a relationship with. 

I wake up Saturday morning early, like 830 am. My head hurts like a mother fucker. The girl I took home looked a hell of a lot better the night before. I know she got off so hey, I'll consider it charity. I then proceed to spend the rest of the morning either sleeping or pretending to be sleeping till she gets up and starts getting ready to leave. She shakes me to wake me. I pretend to just wake up. She needs the address to get a cab. I give it to her then walk her outside to wait for the cab. 

My sister asks me who that was. I tell her the truth. "I don't know" We then continue to talk about what the weekend will hold. 

I get a phone call from Junior "Hey we're going floating." I didn't want to go because it felt like there was a lawn gnome with a pick ax trying to come out of my forehead. 

Needless to say I didn't have a viable reason to not go float. So I did. If you want to know what floating is like go here.

So Saturday, I get all dressed up in a three piece suit and am looking moderately respectable. After getting all dressed up we and everyone else that was floating that day were supposed to meet back up at Junior's place to pre drink have a BBQ and then go out on the town.

Well Junior's BBQ was broken, so we ordered in Pizza. 45 minutes later and a few drinks in the pizza shows up. It is the first thing I've eaten all day. I eat and drink and just as I'm finishing J starts playing with my hair. 

It is like my fucking kryptonite. If a woman pulls my hair I'm probably going to try and fuck her. If a woman just plays with my hair and I'm even remotely tired I'm out like a fucking light. So needless to say I ended up laying on her boob passed the fuck out drooling. She got kinda mad when she saw I was drooling. Real men drool and don't care. We cuddled for a long time but I ended up alone by morning.

I wake up around 6 am Sunday morning. It turns out everyone else went out to the bar but me junior and J.

Well Nevets, fuck it I'm changing his nickname to the one we chose not the one he chose. Ginger. came over and we were supposed to go float down the river again on Sunday. I didn't want to. Instead we went to the beach. Where there were probably a 1000 people just chilling. There was probably another couple thousand people floating down the river that day. 

The part that sucked was that there was probably 50 cops wondering around the park and they even had a zodiac in the water to make sure people were wearing their life jackets and not drinking. The fuckers took our foot ball away because we almost hit someone with it. It's a football what is it going to do bruise you. 

Fucking dicks. here is a quote "Hey, everything is illegal in Canada, it's up to me to enforce it. I didn't make the law, I don't even have to agree with it."  Nice logic to get away with being a jack ass. 

Sunday was spent swimming and enjoying the sun and was going to go out with my sister for her birthday but was too tired so I went to sleep and woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks. It was a good weekend. All except the bad sex. 

I hope everyone else had a good weekend. I'm going out to enjoy the rest of my long weekend. 

Later days.