Monday, August 15, 2011

Hung over Monday: Shenanigans

If I didn't write these posts in chronological order I would have no idea where to start.

The good news, I'm not hung over... yet. 

The bad news, Vegas might be getting evicted because of me. 

Friday night was low key. After a long work week I didn't really want to do anything, so I didn't.

Saturday however is another story.

Started as my Saturdays have been lately. At the park laying in the sun. However because it was just me and J at the park it got old real quick. She wanted to just lay in the sun. I wanted to play Frisbee and go swimming. We both got bored and left.

I invited a couple of friends out to go sit on a patio and it was perfect. There is a bar here in town called Melrose. It is "the heart of the red mile" The red mile is what 17th avenue here turns into during hockey season because everyone is wearing red Flames jerseys.

The food was good the beer was better. Me and Vegas were drinking Sapporo. Really nice beer for drinking on a patio. After a solid amount of time I think about 3 hours of sitting and chilling we decide it will be a great time to get the evening going.

We go back to Vegas' place because it is closest, and he had booze. We listen to some cello music just to get amped up. Seriously.

Watch these guys and you'll be good to go.


We then head over to Ginger's place to drink some more. I learned a valuable lesson. I can drink Jack Daniels again. I even remember most of the night. Most of it I wish I didn't. 

I think I figured out why K broke up with me on her birthday. I do stupid things. 

We went to a night club where nothing fantastic happened except I drank more.

After the bar we were walking down the road and J was complaining that her tits were cold. 

Somewhere in my brain this was my solution to her tits being cold.
 Sorry for the shit quality Vegas was the photographer and well he was drunk too. Needless to say if you can't tell my shirt is over my head and my pants are pulled down so that I look like a gangster. My belt was also undone, and I'm wearing my aviators. It's 2 am FYI.

We walked by a lot of people and I got a lot of compliments. Might have been because we walked by a gay bar but hey I'll take what I can get.

I got punched in the stomach at some point which caused an involuntary purge of my bladder.

We walked around for about an hour and a bit. Me yelling at traffic and strangers alike. J eventually got so embarrased by me that she refused to walk on the same side of the street.

She then called me retarded.

"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER USE THAT WORD AGAIN! YOU SAID I WAS SPECIAL"
So I threw a bit of tantrum. Jumping up and down like a maniac yelling at J across the street. We were right by a Tim Horton's and if anyone knows anything about Tim Horton's and police officers is that they go hand in hand. There happened to be a handful of cops there, but they were on their break and just laughed at me. 

We go back to Vegas's place and I fell into his closet and stayed in there for a while because I didn't want to be the brunt of any coming out of the closet jokes. 

We found this parasol, or sun umbrella if you will that belongs to this real douche nugget of a neighbor Vegas has. The guy is a hoarder, a bad one. So bad in fact he has a mini van in a parking stall that doesn't move, it is just filled with useless shit. He gets mad at me for parking in a spare stall when he takes up three. So... 

I did what any obnoxious inebriated asshole would do. I climbed on top of the van and took a dookie in the umbrella, folded it back up and stuck it under the windshield wiper for him to find in the morning. 

I then went back inside drank some more, dove on top of J yelling "Want to cuddle?" Rolled over and passed out.

Sunday I woke up and went and did the only thing I could think of to get rid of my hang over. I sat on a patio and drank with one of my old students. Who is three years older than me. It was a good day of people watching. We saw a whole bunch of hipsters we laughed at. Some douche bags with "Ed Hardy" tattoos. Which takes dedication to douchebaggery to a whole new level. He was wearing a shirt that said TUFF on it. Furthering my believe that he was retarded because he bought a shirt with improper spelling.

Eventually Vegas joined us for some booze and poutine. I was remarkably exhausted by the time I got home around 10 and promptly fell asleep to wake up for work this morning. Where I failed to be productive either blogging or designing. It has been a wasted day, but boy was that weekend awesome. I really need to find someone sober to follow me around with a tape recorder.

Quote from Saturday:
 J: "Stop yelling at the Asians!"

ME: "It's OK to yell at Chinese people because mandarin is written so small they have better vision than hearing."

Quote from Sunday said by my student:

Student: "You should come join us" Said to some women. (one of them had this weird thing on her lip I didn't know what it was)

Her: "Nah I think we are going to Moxies, you should join us." She was then joined by a bald headed guy with sequins on his pants. They started walking away

Student: "Good luck with the herpes and that other guy." Turns to me and says "I ain't going anywhere with that."

I even mentioned to my waitress on Sunday that "I'm pretty sure that Jesus smelled like Anal lube and popcorn"  line that I came up with a while ago. I was telling the Student that story when she walked up to the table.

I have to be the coolest ex-college professor ever.

Later Days,
NTH

11 comments:

  1. You are a complete fucktard.

    But for some reason I now really want to fuck you.

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  2. You sure know how to party ha ha...


    I remember seeing the Red Mile from when the Flames were in the Stanley Cup Finals a few years ago. Quick question: should Gelinas' goal have counted or not?

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  3. I'm not going to lie - this took me several seconds this evening to realize that you were not getting an entire city evicted, but your friend. I'm slow. Shut up.

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  4. You can yell at me any time you like.

    And that Jesus anal lube line is hilarious. Yes, you ARE the coolest ex-college professor ever.

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  5. Wow, bonus points for getting stupid and having a friend to capture the moments for us to enjoy later. Sounds like quite the party my friend.

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  6. The aviator factor just made you officially awesome.

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  7. I'd totally watch that show if somebody followed you around. Sounds like a hot mess...which is my favorite kind.

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  8. If I was allowed in to Canada we would have to party together. Wait, you do live in Canada right?

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  9. I know I'm super late, but these guys (Luka Sulic and Stjepan Hauser) are amazing. I had chills.

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My frail ego requires validation.