Monday, June 20, 2011

A punch to the face, with a side of memory loss.

I've been noticing a couple things lately with the people I know. When they start dating they get super attached to each other right off the bat. "OH MY GOD!!! I can't live without you!!!" Type bullshit.

What people need to realize is that for the first part of a relationship (it shouldn't even be called that it's fucking dating) you are just trying to get to know each other. There shouldn't be wedding bells in the back of your eyes every time you look at each other. 

I had to learn this lesson the hard way.

I've been on both sides of the coin for this one. I'm going to tell you about both.

First I'll start with the heart break side of it. There was a girl I was dating, and I fell hard. I was crazy for this girl. I would drop kick a gorilla for this girl, type crazy. She said she felt the same. We never wanted to leave each others company, if we could have we would have never left each others arms. Cuddling all day, making love, and some mad passionate monkey sex in there too. Things were great I felt like I was on top of the world. Nothing could bring me down.

I could act like a retard and she would just laugh it off. She could be a bitch and I would just laugh it off. It seemed like there was nothing that could go wrong. We had mutual friends that we hung out with; had tonnes of things in common. It seemed like it was the real deal. This was only 2 months in. I know sounds crazy romantic and all that. It was.

But it didn't last. There was no emotional stability and nothing truly invested in it. So when she found a guy that tickled her fancy a little more than I did it wasn't a huge deal for her, to jump ship. Well for me it was.

So I did what I said I would do. I drop kicked a gorilla, or at least tried to. He wasn't a gorilla, I think his name was Steve. He was however a big guy. (understatement of the year) He wasn't even the guy that tickled her fancy. He was just the biggest guy I could find at the time. I found him, said something I won't bother repeating, and needless to say it didn't work out in my favor. It might have went a little more in my favor if I hadn't been 55 dollars into a night of 25 cent draft. I think my actions helped change the law here in Alberta that made 25 cent draft illegal.

The results of me trying to drop kick the gorilla named Steve were,
7 stitches in my cheek (to the bone)
5 stitches in my eyelid
1 broken nose
1 major concussion
1 less girlfriend
2 days loss of memory
1 missed week of work.

Let this simmer for a couple years and you have,

1 hell of a story.
1 gnarly scar on my left cheek.
1 eyelid that twitches under stress.
1 nerve damaged cheek when poked feels like it's actually poking my lip.
1 more tidbit of understanding.

So there you go. I think that pretty much sums up that side of the coin.
The other side of the coin.

I started dating a co worker. (Which is fucking stupid) We'll call her K.

It all started at a house party we were at. It was relatively small... actually it was just small, a grand total of eight people.  Well I'd had a crush on this girl since the moment I saw her. She was curvy, had long brown hair and an infectious laugh and smile. She would always wear a flower in her hair. She was the image of cute. 

Well we are at the house party and this cougar (older woman that likes sleeping with young guys) was on a rampage. We couldn't do much about it, it was her house. So I did the only thing I wasn't man enough to do without the fear of a mountain cat encouraging me. I cuddled up to K. She didn't seem to mind. We ended up laying on the lawn in the back yard looking at the stars. I know a few constellations just for this reason; so I started pointing them out to her. We kissed under the moonlight, to the sounds of my buddy fending off the vicious feline inside.

"Fuck you Cougar! I don't want to see what is in your closet!" followed by pounding foot steps.
"AHHH!!!" more sounds of struggle. "Aww she fucking kissed me!"

K and I just cuddled up some more and looked at the stars. Minus the cougar hunting inside it sounds romantic. It was.

Things started out slow enough. We would go on a couple dates. Watch some movies and have some solid make out sessions for the first week. Each time getting closer and closer to bumping uglies. (I'm not talking about the patch of skin on the outside of your elbow, that shit is ugly but that isn't what I mean)

We had sex! It was amazing. Guys if you haven't had sex with a cheerleader/gymnast I recommend it. Girls take gymnastics/cheerleading.

After a couple of days we fell into a cycle. We would either watch a movie and have sex, or we would watch cooking shows (only thing we really had in common) and have sex. We went on with our daily lives for the most part, going to school. We went to the same one so it didn't matter whose place we stayed at we had to be at the same place in the morning. Went out to dinner with some friends, a double date if you will. It was really good food and a nice time.

However well things seemed to be going, I felt a little off. I was getting a little bored of doing the same things over and over again. There is only so long you can be in a relationship based on really good sex. I didn't want to end it but wasn't sure it was going to last very long.

Lucky for me! I was an alcoholic back then.

K's birthday was coming up and she had a nice drinking fest planned. I was all for it. I invited some mutual friends over to my place to pre drink before we went to the bar. They showed up with whiskey. Crown Royal to be exact. We were drinking crown and coke like a rabbit fucks. Fast. Before I knew it, I was right torqued. Then we went to the bar.

I remember feeling on top of the world. We arrived before K did. I was so excited that I was going to have the best looking girl at the bar. I was in the mood to party hard. So I started talking to the shooter girl. (it made sense to me at the time) I made a bet with her that she could sell some shots at a table full of guys. I lost so I had to drink all the shots she figured she should have been able to sell to the table. I drank 6 shots of jeagermeister. Then I don't remember anything.

I woke up in the morning in my own bed, alone. My phone however had a full voicemail inbox, and about 30 new text messages. I listened to the first voicemail.

"Dude, what the fuck did you do. K is crying. You managed to make your girlfriend cry on her birthday. You should probably talk to her." Recorded at 1 am by a friend. The bar was still open at this point, I'm pretty sure I was still there.

I decided to look at the text messages.

"Dude WTF?"
"Seriously dude, you are awesome!"
"Where are you"  x 10
There was some that were nonsensical drunk texts as well. From what I could tell it was an amazing night.

There wasn't a single message from K in the text messages. OK back to voicemail. The second one was just club noise and someone yelling "what" over and over again. The third voice-mail

"OK, I don't know what happened to you last night but you really need to talk to your girlfriend. You ruined her birthday." Recorded at 9 am by the same friend.

I tried calling K, got no response. So I called the friend, I told him I didn't remember a thing and he wouldn't tell me shit. Just kept telling me I had to talk to K.

I ran into K at work later that day. The whole staff smelt a little bit like a pirate the morning after.

Me: "So what happened last night? I don't remember a thing."

K: "I'm just going to need some time to figure things out."

Me: "Figure what out? Tell me what the hell I did."

K: "Just leave me alone." Then she walked away.

Everyone at work was either giving me evil looks that would probably have killed a lesser man, or they were giving me high-fives for such an awesome night. I was just really confused. Worst of all, no one would tell me what happened.

K phoned me a couple of days later.

K: "I don't think we should be together anymore."

Me: "Why not?"

K: "It's because you're a little too intense for me."

Me: "You're being deliberately vague."

K: "Are you upset?"

Me: "Probably not as much as you want me to be."

I still don't really have any idea as to what I did that night. Someone said I was all over her and was just acting crazy. If that is all it was I don't see what I did as being that bad, probably more good then bad. People take break ups differently. She was upset by the break up. I got over it just about instantly. It was less then the 3 month mark and I'm pretty sure I did the "act obnoxious to get her to break up with me" bit. Douche-bag move. Live and learn.

Moral of the stories. Don't get too invested in something that could die off just as easily as it started. I've seen so many relationships fail before they ever really start, and not just my own.

Later days.


  1. ...SO.... what DID you do? I'm really interested o.o if you don't mind sharing...

    I bet you just said some bad stuff... but whatever. Well no wonder she was invested more than you were... I take sex a lot more seriously than most guys do (like most women). If I have sex with you, you're sticking with me for more than 3 months I can tell you that much. Then again, that's just the prude in me. I've never done anything for casual pleasure.

    And you know, let them be. If they think they're in love, let them learn the hard way. When you were bat shit crazy about the first girl, I doubt you would have listened to people giving you the same advice (regardless of the consequences).

  2. @leila: I have no idea what I said to K. As for what I said to "Steve the Gorilla", that will have to remain a mystery.

  3. Dude,I was the one who said that to you and even I can't remember! To be honest, I think the reason why I didn't tell you what you did was because I didn't know myself. I spent the majority of the night looking for you...Meh. Wish I wasn't so dramatic back Live and learn. :D



My frail ego requires validation.