Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Seriously Affected

Now that I've reread this post it seems very sappy and whiny I apologize in advance.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."

There have been couple women in my relatively short life that I've loved with everything I had. 

One of them is married to a man I introduced her to, he is good people. They have a child now. I couldn't be happier for them. I loved her but it was never meant to be. (The story "Letters Unsent" was written for her)

Another betrayed me so badly I didn't feel a thing when I heard she got hit by a car. (she lived, I'm not that big of an asshole)

The last one, as of right now, she is the one that got away. Except I'm the idiot that fucking left. 

When we first broke up we didn't speak to each other for a while. It wasn't an easy break up for either of us. Eventually though we started talking again and then just over a year later we thought we would try and date again. Long distance this time because I was a jackass and moved. Things went well for a week or two, then it all came unglued.... The long distance just put too much stress on old wounds and eventually we just gave up. 

We would still talk to each other every day. We would sit and do homework and chat back and forth. We were each others best friend. Whenever we could we would get together, between her having to drive through where I lived to visit her parents and me just randomly going up to see her, we would see each other once every couple months. 

As with everything in life, nothing stays the same.  We broke up just over 5 years ago. Which is odd because that is longer then we were actually together as a couple. (not by much)  Now that time has done it's damage we only really talk to each other once every couple weeks and I haven't seen her in a couple months. 

Last night however we chatted. I fucking hate the way emotions work.

In life and on here, I tend to pretend like I don't have a whole lot of fuzzy emotions, but this woman brings it out of me. We didn't even talk about anything important, just life and the new jobs we have. Just menial shit, but just talking to her brings back memories of her smile. I didn't even have to hear her voice, just reading the words made my heart jump. 

It feels good to feel these things, but shitty all at the same time. It's bittersweet, because she has a boyfriend now. We have lives that are rooted in the cities we live in. We've grown so far apart. It sucks just watching it happen.

I wish life was like the movies, where I could just drive there and tell her I love her and have everything work out. The movies never take into account the logistics. The prince shows up to the princess and says I love you and they live happily ever after. What about the prince's job or the princess's? One of them is going to have to find a new one. What about lease agreements? Mortgage payments? Local Contracts? Family pressure? The cost of moving? It all adds up to what seems insurmountable. The more time passes the more insurmountable it gets.

I don't know what to do. It's been a long time; am I fucking crazy for still having feelings for this girl? I can't very well pour my heart out to her and expect what? 

Why can't these feelings just go away? It would make my life so much fucking easier.

I'm sorry to dump all this out there I just had to get it out. 

Later days. 


  1. What OT said.

    But the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else... go enjoy being single.

    Maybe the fairy tale over at my blog would help? You'll like it.

  2. @Trash: Yes, yes they do.

    @Lost: I've dated a fair amount of women since the one I'm talking about here. I also read the fairy tale on your blog and you missed out the part where he got syphilis and dies alone.

  3. Love sucks and is just as painful as it is pleasant. Thats just the shitty truth. Divorce has made me a bit jaded with the whole romance thing, but it is nice to feel that feeling every once in a while.

  4. Ditto what OT said as well. Break ups do suck. And dragging one out like that only to get hurt again is even worse.

    I'm not so sure about Idaho's advice (maybe that's a guy thing?), but the best way I have found to get over someone is to quit them cold turkey. Take them out of my phone, off of facebook or wherever, and get distracted with something else.

    Time heals all wounds... so they say.


  5. I know I'm 19 years old and only have 1% of the responsibilities you have, but I seriously think we're in the same situation.

    I'm pretty sure the past 5 months on my blog were spent bitching about my ex, who was also my best friend, teacher, and ... well he was everything to me. I understand how you feel you fucked up and it sucks that happens. I also spent the past 5 months wishing away the feelings I had and still have.

    Now, I'm just glad I found someone who showed me how to love, even if it didn't last. I mean, think about it, one way or another (no matter how impossible it seems right now), you'll find yourself several years from now totally moved on. You may still love her in the future, and (for better or for worse) it may grow platonic, but you'll be you and that's all that matters. Just be glad the fates, the universe, kharma, or whatever divine forces gave you the opportunity to know this woman.

  6. Breakups are the the debil. Debil.

  7. @brandi: Love is bittersweet I agree. I'm personally surprised I'm not jaded with all the shit I've been through. I say never give up on love. It conquers all apparently.

    @kelly: Yea I'm not so good at quitting people cold turkey. The distracted part works, but I'm not the type of guy that gives up easily. (read: sucker for punishment) Time does heal all wounds, it is also the best teacher, but it kills all its students.

    @Leila: Wise words, wise words indeed. I'll definitely be treasuring the memories for sure.

    @Lissa: The Debil? Where does he hang out? is he the villain in the Pastafarian religion?


My frail ego requires validation.