Wednesday, June 8, 2011


After work yesterday, as with every Tuesday, I played Ultimate.

 I love that sport, it is social and a good work out. After which we went to a pub that gives sports teams a discount. 10 dollar jugs and 40 free wings per 5 people. Yea, I know, awesome right? It was. Well one of the girls on my team who is married to an awesome guy brought her sister out for the first time. She was cute, funny, athletic, had really nice eyes and generally everything I look for in a girl. However, I couldn't bring myself to ask her out. I don't know why, I just wasn't feeling it.

The evening came to a close and every one went their separate ways. It wasn't exactly late but I do love my sleep so instead of going out to see a different friend I just went home. Where I wasted another hour and a half chatting with friends and watching some TV. I'm so good at being productive.

While this was happening I could feel my mind going to a dark place. I don't even know why. I just got this overwhelming sense of doom. I felt incredibly lonely. I didn't have any more reason than any other day to feel this way, but I did. It happens to me every once in a while. Last night however was the first time I was actually aware of it as it set in. Normally I am just in a mood.

This worried me, so using my supreme skills of ignoring my problems till they go away I went to bed. I was exhausted after all and had to work this morning. I had issues falling asleep though.
That shit right there is a lot of feathers.

My body fell asleep. It wasn't moving even if I wanted to move it. I was completely relaxed and comfortable. Laying in my epic bed trying to sleep, my mind raced. Without a conscious decision on my part I brought up in my memory some of the fiction and poetry I used to write.

Back in the day when I was writing on a regular bases, not working on my novel, and still hadn't lost my romantic side under the bed, I would write lovey dovey, pookey wookey make you tear up and vomit type of shit. There I am, exhausted, totally relaxed, in a slight amount of pain from someone landing on my ankle trying to sleep, and I'm reciting sappy poetry that I wrote 9 years ago for a girl I was dating. My mind was in torment and I was doing it to myself for no real apparent reason. I eventually managed to grab the emo kid that lives somewhere in my brain and throw him back in the crawlspace of my mind where I keep the memories of where the bodies are located. I figured it would shut him up for a while.

I fell asleep.

I dream every night. I know everyone dreams every night, but I'm one of those people that remember at least one dream every night. I always have. I also suffered night terrors as a child. To me it was just a bad dream, but my screaming bloody murder in my sleep scared the crap out of everyone else in the house. I still get bad dreams, just no screaming in my sleep. Progress right?

Last night I remember 2 distinct nightmares. One of them was so bad I woke up and had to get out of bed and fully wake up to clear it from my mind and make sure that it was actually a dream. Crawl back into bed only to wake up to another nightmare a while later. This one I knew was a dream the moment I woke up and just went back to sleep.

I fell back into the first nightmare, except it was at the beginning again. This time it didn't turn out to be such a nightmare. Like one of those choose your own adventure books my dream allowed me to make different decisions than the first time through. I woke up again at some point and smiled to myself. I woke up in a much better mood than when I fell asleep.

I'm concerned though. What could cause this massive shift in mood without my control? Should I see a doctor? I mean my mood even managed to manifest itself in my dreams. I guess through subconscious will power I was able to work through it and wake up in a state of mind that wouldn't later involve me standing in front of a judge shrugging my shoulders.

Later Days


  1. I am not sure what to say as I am not expert in dreams or anything of the such.

  2. I'm not so worried about the dreams, it's more the signs of depression that have me concerned.

  3. just your subconscious punishing you for not asking the girl out. happens to me too.

  4. I honestly wouldn't make a big deal out of it. You know the problems. I've sensed it in one of your more serious posts. You don't have a problem per se, but your insecurities get the best of you. And a mental imbalance can just be indicative of a physiological imbalance.

    I suffer on and off from depression, but there was a period of time last Summer when I ate nothing but organic fruits and vegetables. I also worked out an hour a day during that time. It was a complete 180 degree turn from my "meat and sweets only" diet beforehand. I can honestly say I never felt better. It made everything easier, and I was never tired. I stopped the moment school got a little too stressful, and the depression coupled with stress of getting into college put me back to a sedentary and unhealthy lifestyle.

    Those are just some of the factors that contribute to it. There's nothing wrong with you, and your depression isn't serious at all. But the thoughts behind it are. I noticed that the biggest cure for my bouts of depression is when I force myself to do something I initially wasn't in the mood for. Like if I didn't want to see anyone, I'd try to get off the bed to see other people. I end up forgetting my woes doing that. Don't worry. Que sera sera

  5. fuckign blogger...Cant comment from my profile.

    Anyway, I think Lelia gave some good advice. I personally struggle from that crap too and I am just lucky to have B. She kicks my ass back into things when I try to drag myself into a funk.

    Good luck. It gets better then it gets worse again. Its just the way it is. Ride it out and make the best of it.


My frail ego requires validation.