Monday, August 22, 2011

Hung over Monday: This may need to stop.

Good Morrow my loyal readers and hello to anyone new.

Do I have a tale to regale you with today.  This weekend was pretty intense. I know last weekend was crazy but this weekend may trump it. I know shitting in an eccentric Egyptian's parasol is pretty good but I think I topped it this week. I'll tell you the story and you tell me.

Friday, I get off work and go have a couple drinks at Ginger and Token's place. It was J's last night to go out and party so I had promised her that I would hang out with her that night. So that was the plan.

Ever heard of a liqueur called Chartreuse.

This stuff tastes worse than Buckley's cough syrup. You also only need 2 shots to be on your ass, fucker'd. Well that is the case for most people. Not me. After a couple of drinks and a couple of shots of the green death, we decide to go down to J's work and drink with her and some of her co-workers. Why? because we got the discount and that meant 9 dollar triples.

Shortly after arrival the Green death had it's way with Ginger and he looked like he had been thoroughly abused. He was sucking on his bottom lip and had a decent Weeble impression going on. He left shortly after, wandered around towards home and eventually got in a cab.

Near the end of the Night after many jugs and a couple shots Token, which btw stands for token black guy, was starting to feel the Green death, and combination of everything else. It was very apparent that he was loser pissed.

Now shortly after we had just gotten to the bar one of the waitresses I had met before started throwing things at me. I'm going to call her African grassland or AG for short. So AG and I start this hate hate relationship with each other. I know her from before and I've seen smarter seat cushions than her. If you were paying attention to twitter this weekend you'd have gotten this gem.

Me: "Are you planning on reproducing?"

AG: "Yea, someday."

Me: "Don't!"

AG: "...I don't get it..."

Me: "that is kinda the issue at hand"

By the time the bar was closing I'm not even functional on dog standards. It would be like those videos of dogs climbing stairs and tumbling down over and over again. Kinda like a reverse drunk slinky.

Token and J are both worse than I am. I have no recollection of how we got a cab. During the entire Cab ride this is the conversation I have with Token.

Me: Hey, how you doing?

Token: I'm taking a cab home.

Me: I know, I'm in it with you.

Token: I'm taking a cab home.

Me: You gonna be sick?

Token: I'm taking a cab home.

Me: You don't look so good.

Token: I'm taking a cab home.

I gave up after that.

The rest of the evening is a blur of walking to my house taking my pants off and passing the fuck out.

When I awoke on Saturday I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't hung over. I spent Saturday doing things that normal people do. Laundry, showering, cleaning, and watching Thor. Movie was decent. I would have been happier with a hardcore sex scene between the god of thunder and Natalie Portman. In fact I would probably not masturbate for a week if I saw that. I'd be that spent.

So I get a text from Token around 6 pm. "Hey how you feeling?" I felt fine asked him how he was doing. "Ugh a little haggard but I'll be alright. Almost time to do it again." Yea, I said I'll be over in about an hour.

I got over to Ginger and Token's place, they are room mates in case you were wondering, and the first thing they say is "We are NOT drinking Chartreuse again."

We played drinking games till it was time to go out. We arrive at a night club here in town called Vinyl. It is a nice place, I like it.

Apparently I missed the memo, when we were deciding where we were going to go, that included "meet the fat chicks at vinyl" Apparently that is what the plan was. I was so confused as to why we were voluntarily hanging out with the completely un #wangworthy individuals till Token said I know them. I asked him Why? I didn't wait around for an answer I went to go get a drink.

On my way back to join my friends I got stuck. There was an Army of tiny little Asians between me and them. I could see where I wanted to go clearly. In fact me and Token were laughing about it as I could see him because I was at least head and shoulders taller than everyone between us but I couldn't get through. So I remembered what I said about yelling at Asians last week. "Why are there so many Asians!?!" I yelled. They moved, glared at me, but they moved.

We moved to another floor that wasn't so overflowing with tiny people. This is wear the fat chicks really started to get on my nerves. They were scaring away all the hot chicks. I took matters into my own hands.

Me: Hey, why can't I understand a word you're saying?

Her: Caz Um Australian.

Me: So you're a Criminal?

Her: Arsehole.

Me: What is an ARSE and why is there a hole in it?

Hey: ut's jast hugh wa sa ut.

Me: What?

At this point she thought it would be a good idea to sit on my lap. I don't get it. I'm being completely obtuse with her and she thinks this means she can sit on me. She was moving around too much too and jiggled a lot. I  immediately move her off me (I had to ask her to move) Got up from the table and didn't come back till they were out on the dance floor.

When I arrived back at the table, Token informs me that his head hurts and he is going to go home.

Me and Ginger unsupervised for the rest of the evening. What could go wrong?

Fat chick came back for one last attempt.

Her: We have a saying that we use to let people know we find them attractive. (I'm too lazy to type that out in australian)

Me: What?

Her: "I think you're wicked"

Me: What?

Her: I said I think you're wicked.

Me: I can't understand a word you're saying.

When Token left we had no reason what so ever to hang out with the fat chicks. So we didn't.

I had given out pick up lines that we were supposed to use. Ginger's was "How do you feel about ginger kids"  Token's was "How do you feel about men with facial hair?" He doesn't have any, but I do. Mine of course "Hey, you're #wangworthy."

Token didn't get to use his, because he went home. However Ginger was using his and sadly he hair didn't look red in the club so it was kinda a bust. His best line of the night was "Hey, do you know how to hot wire a car."

I only used my wangworthy one once. There really weren't that many wangworthy women there.

I most definitely used it at the most inappropriate time though so it was worth it.

Me: Good evening.

Her: Good evening, How's it going?

Me: Great, I'm feeling fantastic. You look good, definitely wangworthy.

Her: What did you say to me?

Me: Nothing.

Her: I think you should go back inside before I place you under arrest for drunk and disorderly.

Me: Yes officer, wizardsleeve'd bitch.

Her: What did you say.

Me: I said good night.

I was offered a ghost writing job by a very drunk person. I may email him and see where that goes.

Captain Morgan was there handing out foam hats. I wanted one but they ran out. So instead I kept asking random strangers which was better my Captain Morgan's belt buckle or the foam hat. I won hands down. Till eventually someone just gave me the hat because I was awesome. I think it was from a group of guy's that were having a bachelor party and I joined them at some point and made it better.

Unlike the Bachelorette party we joined and I tried to amp up but the bride to be, kept yawning and they eventually left. That is when I tweeted the "Lamest Bachelorette party ever, not one blow-job"

It was the walk home where I think I trumped my last weekend shenanigans. I payed a homeless guy to go distract some cops. So that is what he did. He went started yelling like an idiot. Just random incoherent words and then ran down an ally. I should say we were right outside a Mac's convenience store and a late night pizza place. So like 15 people there, just standing around.While the cops were off chasing the homeless guy.  I went and took a piss on their car in front of everyone.

I got a massive cheer, some free pizza, and an 8 ball of cocaine.

I don't do cocaine anymore so I don't know what I'm going to do with it. Any ideas?

I eventually made it home, and passed out.

I awoke on Sunday bolting upright in one of those panic moments. I was relieved that I was at home, and alone. Then the hang over kicked in. I eventually made it over to Junior's place to feed his cat. That is all I accomplished on Sunday though.


  1. Bwhhahahahaaa!!! Pissed on a cop car!! That IS epic! Excellent use of #wangworthy as well. Oh, you can use the cocaine to get out red wine stains on your carpets. Or is that club soda?


  2. You preemptively need to line up a friend or acquaintance to bail you out of jail. Like put them on "bail retainer" or something.

    And well done pissing on a cop's car. That definitely trumps shitting in a parasol.

  3. Sell the 8 ball... it might pay for one of your speeding tickets...? Not that I would know what an 8 ball is worth mind you.....

    What do you think you will do for an encore next weekend?

  4. The fat chicks were by far a byproduct of a friend of mine, he was supposed to be there and instead it was two fat girls that I only know through him. I was just as offended as you were man.

  5. You are my hero for taking our twitter convo with Heather and using those amazing words, not only in a post, but in real life!!! #wangworthy and #wizardsleeve are my new all time favorites! :)
    Another fun night full of mayhem...I love it.


My frail ego requires validation.