Wednesday, August 3, 2011

What the fuck Wednesday? Bad Sex Edition.

In order to bring some order to the Chaos that is my brain and therefore my blog I'm going to try and stick to certain themes on certain days. Random Girl has soft-core Friday. Simple dude has half ass'd weekend posts. There are a couple people out there that do the Sunday Confessions, and there are thousands of other themes out there that other bloggers follow and I like the structure... for now.

Everyone who has been around since at least Monday knows that I have a weekly theme called "Hung over Monday". It is a great way for me to summarize my weekend because I never post on weekends and it is named such because I'm almost always nursing either a day old hang over or a brand spanking new one. So I want to have one for Wednesday where I can take on strange topics and answer random questions.

As it stands now the theme shall be called "What the Fuck Wednesdays"


I'm going to preface this post by saying there is blatant sexuality, sexual references, and a whole bunch of shit that most people would find offensive read on at own risk.


Today's "What the fuck Wednesday" is brought to you by. Madame Kinky. She asked me about my Friday night's horizontal tango that was more of a two step (in, out, in, out) and how exactly does one have bad sex.

Surprisingly enough when you gain "experience" past a certain "number" that I've lost track of a while ago. You can become a connoisseur of sex, the same way someone that has drank a couple hundred bottles of wine is a sommelier.

Let's start with what sucked about Friday night's sex. This is a list, in order.

1. I was drunk.
2. She was drunk.
3. She wasn't "that" attractive.
4. Her Vagina was Cavernous.
5. I was tired.
6. She wasn't willing to do any of the work.
7. My stamina is almost a curse.
8. She doesn't do anal.
9. She doesn't give Blowjobs.

Now you're going to ask "In order of what?" That is the order in which I found things out.

Number 1
I was drunk. Yes indeed I was. Therefore, co-ordination goes right out the window, as well as complete sensory awareness. (I was lucky I could feel my face). I could still get it up; I don't think I've ever had a problem with that. (Quite the opposite actually, bastard goes hard when I least expect it).


She was drunk.
Number 2, She was drunk. I don't exactly know at what state of drunkenness she was at but it was to such a point that she went home to have sex with a stranger. So I'm going to just guess and say "Loser pissed" (that is a quote from a cop from Sunday talking about a girl floating down the river) So Loser pissed chicky didn't exactly do well at... well anything. The swaying motion side to side during doggy style was kind of nice.

Number 3: She wasn't that attractive. Now, I'm a man of simple tastes. I fantasize about the usual shit that men fantasize about. One of the most common ones I have is to picture the perfect looking woman and have a wank and it's done relatively fast. So because of this when I have sex with an attractive woman I tend to really enjoy it and because I don't fantasize about having sex with Sea dragons, farm animals or anything from a science fiction movie I find that unless I'm attracted to the girl she is going to have to put a little more effort into getting me off.

Number 4. There once was a guy that was diddling this girl and just as she finished up he notices that he has lost his wrist watch. So he puts his head down there to have a look. While he is down there the girl yawns and the negative pressure in her chest cavity causes a vacuum effect on her Vagina, swallowing the man, sucking him inside, whole. He yells into the darkness. "Hello?" ... hello... hello" it echoes off the walls. "Hi! ... Hi.... hi"  came the reply. "Have you seen my watch?.... seen my watch?... my watch?.... watch? ".  "Fuck your watch, Where's my Firetruck? ...Firetruck?.... Firetruck?"

In all seriousness this thing was huge. Without any effort I could almost get my fist in. (I don't have small fists) I know there is the fetish of "fisting" out there and some women like it, but there has always been one thing that bothered me. What the fuck does the man get out of it?

Massive vagina means that because I'm not hung like a Louisville slugger I'm not really going to feel anything. Hot-dog down a hallway, isn't that bad of a metaphor. If that isn't enough, I've got a better one. Ever been tickled by a feather? Compare that to a 250 pound man giving you a shiatsu. That would be the difference between a loose pussy and a tight one. I felt a vague slippery sensation through the condom, not nearly enough to rock my socks.

Ladies do your Kegels. I do my towel raises, the least you can do is your part.

Number 5: I had just worked a solid 14 hour day, followed by a rather eventful evening at the bar. I was tired. Therefore I didn't want to be the only one putting effort into it.

Number 6: Lazy little bitch didn't want to do any work. Company that with how tired I was and we are going to get some, "No, you go on top" followed by a "Fuck you, you want to get laid, you get on top."

Number 7: I can have sex for a long time. I can usually, if anything is working for me, cum on command or hold off till the time is right. Unless the girl is good in bed then the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in and I jizz in my pants. where ever I happen to be pointed. However, because absolutely nothing was working for me this evening the only thing that was going to get me off was going to be my hand. I didn't want to insult her that bad but looking back now I wish I had finished with a wank.

Number 8: So needless to say once I figured out vaginal sex just wasn't going to do it for me I stuck my thumb in her asshole. She didn't like that. I learned she doesn't do anal.

Number 9. After finding out that I wasn't going to get off from any form of intercourse I asked her if she would give me a polish. She also said no to that.

What a boring fucking lay. I finally just said "Fuck it. Good on ya. I'm going to sleep" word for word.

There are other things that can help make sex good that she didn't do. For instance, She didn't make any noise other than when she came. She didn't touch me with anything other than her vagina, and that was barely.  She could have pulled my hair, grabbed my hand, anything. You know let me know that I wasn't having sex with a worn out pocket pussy.

So yes you can have bad sex. A good benchmark to know if the sex was good or bad; think about what you would have been doing if not for the sex, if you think that might have been a better plan, the sex sucked.

I think sleep would have been a better idea.

Later Days,
NTH

I'm going to say as well, that sexual etiquette is different when you are fucking someone you want to date vs someone you don't even know's name. Before anyone says I'm disrespectful to women I want you to know that I forgive you for wasting time that should be spent making sandwiches.

11 comments:

  1. I on the other hand had fan-fucking-tastic last night and again this morning. Be jealous my friend. Be very jealous.

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  2. I think you should change her name from "Loser Pissed" to "Worn out pocket pussy"
    LOL seem so much more fitting.

    Better luck next time.

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  3. I've heard "bad sex is better than no sex", but I disagree. I would've rather just done it myself too, Hero.

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  4. I hate bad sex, it's awful...the other night wasn't bad sex but fucking hell I was drunk and while on top the world was spinning way too much so thought fuck that! I jumped off and then I woke up the next day...yep I'm pretty sure I passed out the moment my head hit the pillow to swap positions...oopsy daisy! Poor guy...

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  5. What you should have done, to make her feel truly and utterly worthless (since she clearly didn't give a rats ass about your satisfaction) is pulled out a pocket pussy, slipped your cock into it, and then proceed to make as much pleasure filled noise as possible while you fuck it to what you describe as "the best orgasm you could have possibly had that night".

    Then maybe she would have felt worthless enough to lose a bit of weight, tighten up that Cavernous Vagina™, and start giving a fuck about sex. If she was too drunk to give a fuck, then she would have no right to be offended. If she wasn't too drunk to give a fuck and then got offended, then she deserved it for being a selfish bitch.

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  6. I think a Cleveland Steamer would have been a perfect ending to the night.

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  7. I come to you via Katsidhe and am liking the whole wtf wednesday thing. I'll follow, even though it looks like my photo will be next to a picture of someone's butt. But that I will do for you.

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  8. I have a lot to say about this post!

    #1 - Who cares that you're drunk? If you weren't drunk you probably would have held out for someone more attractive and we wouldn't have had this amazing post.
    #2 - The ONLY time a girl being drunk is an excuse for bad sex is if she's fucking passed out. And even then the sex would probably be ok... when drunk I get horny, when I get really drunk I not only get really horny but become an unstoppable monster that must make cocks cum and (thankfully) since I AM that drunk I don't feel the sex injuries until the next morning.. I have given a 2 hour blowjob before when wasted.
    #3 - One of the primary things men think when fucking an unattractive slut is that she'd probably make up for her looks between the sheets, RIGHT? C'mon girls, make yourself more attractive by honing those man-pleasing skills!
    #4 - First, I recently told Maxwell a cavernous vagina story that's hilarious so I don't care if you saw his tweet or not but I'm taking credit for the word. Second.. Well I can't say too much about this because, as Kinked will tell you, I have a magical pussy that stays tight no matter what and is consistently tight at least 8 inches deep. People that are loose creep and gross me out.. like any ol' thing could fly right up in there.
    #5 - Totally agreeable.
    #6 - Fuck that noise. If she wasn't into it enough to get her lazy ass on top you should have smacked a ho. I've put on a strap on and fucked my man like he's a bitch and you know what? That shit is difficult. Yes, doing the girl part is hard as well.. but fucking at a consistent rhythm for an extended period of time is a LOT more work than I thought it was and bravo to any man that can keep it up for an extended period of time!
    #7 - I'm good in bed and haven't had a lot of long-lasters, Kinked can last quite a while when he's recently gotten off and I found that I don't actually enjoy lengthy sex. I want hot passionate OMG IM CUMMING and then get off me please because I'm hot and don't want to be touched. When I can't last long enough to get my man off, I get on my fucking knees ans suck him off. This will be continued in #9
    #8 - Hopefully she did the polite, thanks but no thanks, instead of jumping like a startled cow and giving you a dirty look over her not-too-attractive shoulder. I like having my asshole played with while getting pounded, it adds sensation.. bitches need to recognize! (yeah I turned black for that moment just for you)
    #9 - Again, fuck her. Women can have multiple orgasms, they don't have to worry about reload time, and can pleasure themselves whenever the fuck they want. Least they can do, if they are fortunate enough to get off from someone else's ministration is make sure the guy cums AT LEAST once... c'mon. I don't know HOW women DON'T make noise either.. I can't help it. True story: the other night the neighbors banged on our bedroom wall because I was being too loud while SUCKING COCK... how the hell could I have been that loud with a huge 8incher shoved down my throat? Fuck my neighbors too. I would have kicked her ass out, called her a cab and sent her on her way.

    I should make a sex tutor business card and give you a stack to give to the lame lays.

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  9. Well, I was going to comment, but I think Kinky pretty much covered it all. So I will simply say, nothing is worth than bad sex. I would take sleep over a bad fuck any day. And that's saying something!

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  10. god damn damn it now i want a samich. FUCK IT I GOTTA GET ME ONE OF THOSE! samich, maker, thingys... oh right i think its called a girlfriend. second. was this the night i told you to fuck off?

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  11. Lol, funny shit; and I agree with Kinky, all the way.

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My frail ego requires validation.