Monday, August 1, 2011

Hung over Monday: August long weekend edition.

Ok I know this post is later in the day Monday than It usually is and that is because I didn't have to get out of bed at all today if I didn't want to. I am going to tell you that I'm not wearing pants because I don't have to wear pants today if I don't want to. That is right today is a holiday for me, so for the last three days I've been doing various things.

Friday Night.

I actually worked Friday night till around 9 pm at my second job that is like a shot to the pride. However without that job I would not have met Ride Home Girl. The little 19 year old. Well guess what? I was giving her another ride home on Friday and we were talking about plans for the night and weekend and all that. I can't remember whose idea it was mine or hers but she ended up coming out with me and Vegas. (who now has his own blog, I'm so proud.)

After running around trying to get her ready and me ready after being at work and smelling like bbq sauce and beer, (I had a keg blow up on me at work) She got ready faster than I did and wow did she look fantastic, this tiny little black and white number. I get a chubby just thinking about it.

We end up at Vegas' place by 10. We had to wait for Bart to show up. He doesn't get a nickname. He isn't a main character in my life. While we were waiting for Bart to show up we started drinking. I managed to keep track of the amount I drank that night and for your convenience I am going to write it in list form.

Before the bar:

4 Strongbow

3 shots of grand marnier 

At the bar:

3 double tequila sunrises (no picture for this because no matter how hard I try I can't find a manly version of the drink.)

2 lemon drops. (no picture for the same reason) 

I'm going to point out that I drank all of this before 1 am. That means I drank everything above in three hours. Surprisingly I could still walk when ride home girl decided that it was time she went home. Without me. 

Apparently she had to work the next day. I think she said that earlier in the evening but to be honest I wasn't paying attention. She does have a habit of bailing without warning, just gets up and leaves. It is kind of irritating. 

Anyway, when I'm drunk on tequila bad things happen. 

Everyone knows that I don't drink whiskeys or bourbons or the such because it wipes out my short term memory and I forget everything that happens. Well I love drinking tequila because it stops that little voice in the melon I talked about before. 

After Ride home girl leaves I go to try and find Vegas and Bart. As I was to find out the next day Vegas went home because I was busy with Ride home girl and Bart was getting a BJ in the bathroom.  Bart ended up going back to Vegas' place shortly after the BJ. I didn't know this so I was wandering around the night club aimlessly. When I start randomly talking to this chick, we dance a little and get to know each other.

Next thing I know I'm back at my place balls deep. The sex, was bad. Like really bad. I didn't even get to finish. I could have faked it but I didn't care about this girls feelings. I just wanted to get my rocks off and I couldn't so I said fuck it. Rolled over and went to sleep. 

You'll notice that I haven't given this new girl a name. To be honest it's because I don't know it myself. I don't normally like taking girls home from the bar. It isn't in my end game plan of meeting a woman I can have a relationship with. 

I wake up Saturday morning early, like 830 am. My head hurts like a mother fucker. The girl I took home looked a hell of a lot better the night before. I know she got off so hey, I'll consider it charity. I then proceed to spend the rest of the morning either sleeping or pretending to be sleeping till she gets up and starts getting ready to leave. She shakes me to wake me. I pretend to just wake up. She needs the address to get a cab. I give it to her then walk her outside to wait for the cab. 

My sister asks me who that was. I tell her the truth. "I don't know" We then continue to talk about what the weekend will hold. 

I get a phone call from Junior "Hey we're going floating." I didn't want to go because it felt like there was a lawn gnome with a pick ax trying to come out of my forehead. 

Needless to say I didn't have a viable reason to not go float. So I did. If you want to know what floating is like go here.

So Saturday, I get all dressed up in a three piece suit and am looking moderately respectable. After getting all dressed up we and everyone else that was floating that day were supposed to meet back up at Junior's place to pre drink have a BBQ and then go out on the town.

Well Junior's BBQ was broken, so we ordered in Pizza. 45 minutes later and a few drinks in the pizza shows up. It is the first thing I've eaten all day. I eat and drink and just as I'm finishing J starts playing with my hair. 

It is like my fucking kryptonite. If a woman pulls my hair I'm probably going to try and fuck her. If a woman just plays with my hair and I'm even remotely tired I'm out like a fucking light. So needless to say I ended up laying on her boob passed the fuck out drooling. She got kinda mad when she saw I was drooling. Real men drool and don't care. We cuddled for a long time but I ended up alone by morning.

I wake up around 6 am Sunday morning. It turns out everyone else went out to the bar but me junior and J.

Well Nevets, fuck it I'm changing his nickname to the one we chose not the one he chose. Ginger. came over and we were supposed to go float down the river again on Sunday. I didn't want to. Instead we went to the beach. Where there were probably a 1000 people just chilling. There was probably another couple thousand people floating down the river that day. 

The part that sucked was that there was probably 50 cops wondering around the park and they even had a zodiac in the water to make sure people were wearing their life jackets and not drinking. The fuckers took our foot ball away because we almost hit someone with it. It's a football what is it going to do bruise you. 

Fucking dicks. here is a quote "Hey, everything is illegal in Canada, it's up to me to enforce it. I didn't make the law, I don't even have to agree with it."  Nice logic to get away with being a jack ass. 

Sunday was spent swimming and enjoying the sun and was going to go out with my sister for her birthday but was too tired so I went to sleep and woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks. It was a good weekend. All except the bad sex. 

I hope everyone else had a good weekend. I'm going out to enjoy the rest of my long weekend. 

Later days.


  1. How do you have bad sex? I'm curious.. it's an interesting idea I think I may have to explore.

  2. Canada is awesome for 19 and 20 year old people in border states. Hop across the border, you can drink in a bar, and (when last I checked in BC) decriminalized weed. I'm sorry you lost your football. You got to take the 19yo to the bar. Shut up.

  3. "You'll notice that I haven't given this new girl a name. To be honest it's because I don't know it myself." This right here is classic. Your name on here might be Not The Hero, but you sir are living the high life and my hero.

  4. Sounds like a good night haha

  5. "It was a good weekend. All except the bad sex."
    I hate it when that happens.

  6. The floating looks fun and relaxing. Can't do that here because the water is too goddamn cold all the time in Seattle. Bummer about the bad sex.


My frail ego requires validation.