Friday, October 5, 2012

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Torn.

This become relevant later.
Reading that book may have done more harm than good.

Let me explain.

I know I have an avoidant type of attachment pattern. I knew about that before I started reading the book. Now, however, I have a fuck load of knowledge about other peoples attachment styles and it's running rampant in my head.

Therefore, When it comes to the new girl I just went on a date with I'm over analyzing everything. I mean the book says a whole bunch of things that secure type of people do, so I'm doing my whole fake it till you make it approach. I'm trying to fake being secure till I am. Sounds like a decent plan, right?

First, lets start with my post date blinks post. Haven told me that I should try and be honest with my feelings. Just put them out there. I did. It made me remarkably uncomfortable. I wanted to just scream at myself to man up and quit being so pathetic. Terrified I wouldn't see her again. What the fuck was I thinking? Then I turn to myself and I say:

 "Self, shut the fuck up. Being vulnerable is what we are trying to work for, remember."

"Yea but, I don't want to seem needy."

"Who the fuck cares?"

"She might."

"Then she wasn't the one."

"That is a direct quote from the book used to demonstrate avoidant behaviour."

"You know what, you think you're so smart. Fuck you, Self"

"Not if I fuck you up first."

For fuck's sake, I think I have more issues than previously thought because I'm just sticking my head down this emotional rabbit hole and Alice is nowhere in sight.

Later Days,


  1. Oh boy! Being the avoidant type myself, I can totally understand you. It's not easy to find a way to be vulnerable when your brain starts giving you contradictory feedback.
    My approach is to try not to think and to tell myself to be vulnerable. Almost impossible, but the rare times I manage it feels really good. That's when I notice that my guard was up before and consciously decide to let it down a bit more.
    In any case, if you like the girl and she is right for you, you'll find a way, I'm sure! Girls tend to be understanding men about those things.

  2. boy do I get this! It sucks. You open up to allow connection and then you yell at yourself to stop being so open. It's such a vicious cycle.


My frail ego requires validation.