Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Perhaps I don't exist.

Now I know I do exist in a physical sense as in I can interact with physical objects and such but there is a small problem I keep running into,
technology has no idea I exist. Either that, or it is being a royal asshole and just ignoring me. I'm the guy that walks into automatic doors because they refuse to open for me. I have been known to go unnoticed by motion activated lights and automatic bathrooms are a nightmare.

I was using an auto flush toilet and before I was finished it decided that instead of a toilet what I actually needed was a beday. In case your eating while reading this that is as much detail as you get but it definitely put a damper on my day. Especially since, once I got ready to wash my hands, none of the taps would acknowledge me and actually turn on. Eventually I got one to work by waving toilet paper in front of the sensor. Why toilet paper you might ask. Well, because the fucking paper towel dispenser was also automatic and again ignored me. I eventually got it all figured out. I had someone else wave their hand in front of the paper towel dispenser so I could dry off my hands.

This isn't the end of it either. I recently acquired a tablet to replace my dead PC. I also have the same problem with my smart phone. Touch screens only work for me sometimes. Logging into my phone is a problem especially when it locks itself out for 30 minutes after enough tries. My tablet is just frustrating to use. I also have a problem using the touch screen in my sisters new car. I couldn't even adjust my own fucking climate control.

All of this I've been able to deal with, with surprising grace and only a handful of full blown tantrums. The problem seems to be getting worse. I block out wi-fi and cellular service. I'm not kidding, if I get too close to someone who has only a couple of bars on their phone, they will lose service completely. My phone only works to send and receive when it is far enough away from my body. I have to use hands free, but not bluetooth because, guess what, I block that shit too.

I went to go see my doctor about it and he told me I'm imagining it. That there is no physical precedent for this to be happening and if I was the only one noticing these things I'd probably just drop it. But I'm not. Every one that is around me long enough points it out. It is getting ridiculous. I think my personal magnetic field is all wonky, scientific term there, and that I fuck with the wavelengths and currents for whatever is needed for all of these things to work.

I'm not saying I've developed some sort of mutant power because it doesn't work all the the time. Just when it is the least convenient time possible. 

Seriously fed up with technology these days.

PS. It took me 3 attempts to publish this.


  1. If The Simpsons has taught us one thing, it's that these things function, in part, on Soul Detection technology. And once Bart sold his soul, nothing worked for him any longer.

    Could you have sold your soul at some point?

  2. This must be monumentally frustrating! I think there is something to it for real. Each person in theory has their own "energy field" if you believe in some philosophies and I'm sure it's entirely possible to have a challenging one. I wish I could offer some great way to fix it but unfortunately I can't. I've noticed a small, yet very real, situation myself, but I only seem to impact street lights going off when I walk under them but it happens ALL THE TIME. Makes me paranoid just a bit.

  3. Haha well you did offer to sell your soul to me in the last few weeks. That might be a part of it.


My frail ego requires validation.