Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What the Fuck Wednesday: Ummm... What....

Hi there, long time no see.

Well if I told you I've been out living an exciting life and I have a ridiculous amount of things to tell you about I'd be lying. Well half lying.

First off, there is a restaurant here in Calgary that is called Tubby Dog. I took Red there for a date. This restaurant specializes in hot dogs. Not just any kind of hot dogs, but amazing combinations.

This is the Captain's dog.
The Captains dog is a 1/3 lb hot dog smothered in peanut butter and jam. Topped with Captain Crunch cereal. This is what I had. It is so fantastic. Don't knock it till you try it.

She ordered the A-Bomb.
The A-Bomb is a 1/3 lb hot dog served with cheese bacon mayo mustard ketchup and potato chips. I've never had it but it is apparently good. I just don't like Potato chips (crisps if you're a UK reader)

The date itself was OK, there isn't a whole lot we have in common. She can't do shit because of her condition, (can't even hold chopsticks) so we end up having some long silences between us. I don't think this one is going to go anywhere. We just don't have enough in common and the fybromyalgia really cramps my style when it comes to things I like to do.

What is the protocol when it comes to ended things after 2 dates?

On to the part that everyone cares about.

My snowboarding trip.

Oh look here is me. I've also decided I need a board with a wider stance.
Weird. Me again. I'm actually going really fast here but you can't tell. 

I'm kidding, as much fun as my day snowboarding was it wasn't as eventful as that evening was.

Things with the Russian have been going really well, or so I thought. Dun dun dunnnnn.

She came over and because it was a Sunday and I was also reasonably tired we decided that we were just going to have a nice relaxing evening in. She has never seen Breaking Bad. We had started watching it before, wednesday I think. Anyway, I start episode 2, it craps out about 25 minutes in.

I didn't plan it but that just meant we got to make out for a while. Things were working their way to where I wanted them to to be. Naked time was well on it's way.

However, you know that point when foreplay is supposed to be over and you move on to the final act. Well at this point she flips away from me, buries her head in the pillow for a minute, then rolls back over comes cuddles and then in another minute starts up with the foreplay almost from the beginning again.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

2 hours later, after what I consider to be a fantastic make out session with a little bit of naked fun, (and about 9 restarts) it is about 45 minutes till she has to go home. She turns to me and trust me on this, it's verbatim. She says "Why do women think so much..." I look at her funny, she continues with "I can't figure out why I don't want to sleep with you."

.... um... What....

Seriously, I don't get it? Isn't that one of those "yes" or "no" things.

It can't be a "No, but I don't know why."

What the Fuck did she expect me to say.... I have no clue to be honest.

I know what she got though, a blank stare because my higher thought functions were busy trying to relearn how to tie my shoes. It seemed more productive to them instead of deciphering what she was trying to say.

Then to confuse the fuck out of me she reaches up and brings me back down to her lips and we have another 45 minutes of what my mother would call heavy petting.

I think I technically got tagged out somewhere between third base and home plate.

I drove her home and got a passionate kiss upon exit. Now it's almost like that sentence never left her mouth. We've been texting back and forth and everything.

Now here is my theory, it took me 2 days to think of it so don't mock me. Women rely on feelings sometimes to help make decisions right? Well what if she wants to have mad passionate monkey sex, make sweet sweet love to me, but doesn't feel ready yet?

Advice is appreciated.

Later Days,

PS. She also asked "What are you thinking?" a ridiculous amount of times. I got sick of telling her the banal thoughts going on in my head and told her to stop. It didn't work. I tried the whole make shit up theory, the compliment theory, the say nothing theory, all of them no matter what the fuck I said she'd ask it 10 minutes later. BAH!!!!


  1. Um... she sounds like a psychological nightmare. Even if she DOES eventually have sex with you, and even if the sex is good, the mind games will never stop.

    She's over analyzing, and bringing you down the rabbit hole...

    But back to Red for a sec... you're at a hot dog place, and mentioning her lack of chopstick skills. I know those weenies are beasts, but who eats a hot dog with chopsticks?!?

  2. The chop sticks were from the night I cooked stir-fry. The hot dogs we had to eat with a fork.

    As for The Russian, all I can really do, I think, is play it out. She hasn't done anything that inspires me to get rid of her yet.

  3. How long has it been since you knew the Russian? It could be too soon for her.

  4. After 2 dates with Red all you really need to say is she's a nice woman but you don't think you're compatible.

    As for the Russian. I have to respectfully disagree with Lost. Women are allowed to not be ready for sex with someone new. I think you're probably right, her body is willing, but she's not emotionally ready yet. That's her choice and it's absolutely ok. If you think otherwise, that's a problem. Just give it time. That she's able to hold off until she's ready speaks highly of her ability to stay in tune with what she needs, not just what she wants (which is an impulse problem that I have, and believe me, it doesn't turn out so well mentally and can lead you down an emotionally messy path). I know instant gratification is great and all, but be patient, you'll have a much less crazy chicky to deal with when she reaches a point where she is emotionally comfortable.

    She probably kept asking you what you were thinking because she knew how heavy things were getting and was mentally conflicted about leaving you hanging, so to speak.

    1. I'm fine with waiting, it doesn't bother me at all. Sex isn't everything. If it was I'd continue doing what I did when I was younger. I don't think my liver or my career could take it though. I just wish she would stop asking me what I'm thinking. Most of the time I'm not thinking, the blood is located somewhere else at the time.

    2. Yeah I think women just don't get that. Our brains are always running around like mad, so it seems natural that yours would too. But no, especially not then. Gender gap.

  5. Yeah, what Haven said. All of it. I totally agree. Good luck, kid.

    1. Thanks, I agree with her too. I was just flabbergasted by what the Russian said.

  6. Here's my theory with the Russian. I'm mostly on board with what Haven said as well. The only thing I'm going to add is that this chick is begging for validation. She may have insecurities issues or have ended up in a situation where she felt used in the past. When she asks you what you are thinking about, she doesn't really want to know that you are thinking about snowboarding. What she is really asking is "what are you thinking about me right now?" Totally different question. And the only right answer is something affirming to her as to that you are enjoying yourself with her, and not just in the current sexual situation. She needs affirmation that you see her as something more that just a naked chick in front of you at the time time. Her timing sucks, don't get me wrong and it's kind of the older chick cop out in the book so I applaud you for handling it how you did. I think once she knows that you see her for something more than a fuck, the fucking will commence. Girls are crazy sometimes... trust me!

    1. Like I said in the post. I've tried the validation responses, 10 minutes later she asks the same question. I am beginning to wonder if she is thinking crazy amounts and is projecting that onto me. I'll wait it out.

  7. You should have her add your twitter feed. Then write random crap every 30 seconds. If you don't tweet, pay a homeless guy to write it for a week straight.

    She probably won't ever ask that question again.

    On a side note, the hot dogs looked delicious.

  8. "I drove her home" after the comment on being tagged out before home plate was pretty priceless, though I'm sure not intentional.

    I know it's got to be frustrating, especially since she kept letting it get close and then backing off. You are obviously a patient guy because I don't think one guy I've been with would have put up with that.

    I'm concerned about the fact that she said she can't figure out why she doesn't "want" to sleep with you. As much as I know guys hate talking, that's something I would think she needs to clarify. Just take care of YOU and don't let her play games.



My frail ego requires validation.