Friday, January 6, 2012

For Fuck's Sake Friday: Communication.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this recently enough for it to be easily accessed and recalled from your hippocampus but I live with my sisters. They are both single... ish. I'm single, and my friends are all single, at least the ones I hang out with on a regular basis. I have a couple of friends that are in committed healthy relationships; either married, engaged or otherwise boning on a regular basis, but this isn't about them because they've apparently got it all figured out and are living happily ever after. Spending weekends shopping for the perfect accessory to finish off their living room design project, and taking pictures together with their cat.

I sound bitter, but secretly I think I really want someone I can take to art galleries and then to pier 1 to find candles to accentuate the painting I just bought. Then to find a frame to match the candle holders that I didn't realize came with the candles but are horrendously out of place unless I can tie them back into the color spectrum of the room. I know what you're thinking.  Isn't Hero colorblind? To answer your question. "Yes, I'm straight."

Back to the topic at hand. This is something that is a huge issue my siblings and I are having. Junior had this issue as well, so his situation might get mentioned. It is such a huge issue we even brought my mother into the conversation. If it is bad enough that we bring my mother in as a consultant on modern dating we are truly flabbergasted.

My mother was useless, but still.

The issue at hand, if you've read the title I'm sure you have already guessed it, is communication.

I like to start out with a basic definition so we are all on the same ground.

Communication: the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

In other words, fucking talking, or texting, or emails, or Facebook, or twitter, or phoning, or sign language, or Morse code, or letters, or smoke signals, or writing on cave walls. Really we've come a long way when it comes to ease of communicating with each other. 

Why is it so fucking hard then? 

For example, my little sister is dating a guy, we'll call him Mike, because that is his name. Mike is one of those guys that when he is at work he is impossible to get a hold of. There is an 8 hour black hole of communication. He won't answer his phone, or respond to texts. So when my sister is trying to set up plans for that evening, which he already said yes to being available for and interested in, she gets a little frustrated and ends up giving up and making other plans. Mike gets confused when he finally calls my sister back at 5 pm (he was off work at 4) to ask her about dinner plans and my sister says she is busy. Who's at fault here? In my opinion, Mike is. 

I'm one of those guys that doesn't like to do a whole lot of personal things at work. I blog, but... Shut the fuck up, I do what I want. Anyway... I don't necessarily like to spend the day texting the girl I've been crushing on. I can't, I'm busy, but I will respond to texts and make concrete plans for the evening. I will also send a follow up text when I'm off work to make sure the plans still work. The world is a busy place and shit gets fucked, so plans can change. No big issue, deal with it. I'm a big planner and communicator but not one for small talk by text or phone. 

Junior was seeing this girl. I can't remember her name so for this story she shall be known as "girl". Well girl was kind of like The Doctor in a way. Needy. When it comes to communicating via text, I'm a huge fan because it allows you to be clear concise and to the fucking point. What girl and the doctor wanted was to be inundated with messages of how we couldn't stop thinking about them. Or something like that. They said we didn't talk to them enough. Well what the fuck is enough?

I know what too little is. My older sister was/is (I'm not sure at the moment) dating a guy named Kris. Kris has talked to my sister 3 times in the last 3 weeks. I know it was Christmas but they were dating for 2 months when the holidays hit. The 3 times weren't even the obligatory "Happy New Year", "Merry Christmas" bullshit texts you get from everyone. Were they "Hey how's the snowboarding?" texts that someone who is an avid boarder would be curious to know about? Nope, they were so boring and non engaging that I can't even remember what they fuck they said. My sister isn't impressed she knows it is over but can't bring herself to find the time to commit to getting together with him to let him know. He isn't trying to get together so she is just going to leave it. Which I think is fine. Who needs closure when open ended "who gives a shit" is an option?

Then there is my current conundrum. I have pretty much mastered getting a girls number. I haven't quite mastered remembering to get a hold of them after I sober up, but that isn't the issue here. The ones I do get a hold of the conversation fizzles. Ladies when first texting/talking to a guy that you are trying to figure out if you want to let him play in your love garden, don't answer with one word answers and expect us to carry the conversation. 

I was recently reminded of a movie/ book called "He's just not that into you." and it's true. A guy, if he likes you, will try and go out of his way to talk to you, be around you... etc. However if you find a guy all of a sudden isn't all that keen on texting you or talking to you or making plans, don't assume he found someone else. If it was that easy to hop skip and jump from girl to girl I would have a more interesting blog. He hasn't all of a sudden decided you aren't attractive. No, what has probably happened is he got bored. It could be that you didn't have anything in common to talk about but more likely you didn't manage to hold his attention. 

Remember men these days were raised on action movies and video games. Our attention spans are relatively short. I'm not saying you need to blow shit up or play mind games to keep us interested, but maintain your side of the conversation you vapid origami fortune teller.

To quote a now defunct tv show.
 Nowadays you have to catch someones attention in 140 characters or less.

This brings me to the double standard. Why is it always the guys responsibility to maintain contact. I know of a few girls out there that are all "Why hasn't he called or texted back?" If he likes you, he forgot and will be happy to hear from you again. If he doesn't like you, texting him again isn't going to change that for the worse.  If you like someone text them. I'm sick of hearing this ambiguous "I don't know what is going on because he hasn't texted me back." If you don't like open ended "who gives a shit" and require closure, text them and ask, "What the fuck is up?".

Men, you assholes out there, try and communicate a little bit more of what you feel gasp! and be aware that women these days are just as busy as we are if not moreso, their attention spans aren't any better, but they plan a hell of a lot better than we do. Don't hate them for it, embrace it. Let them know that the 15 minutes they allotted for coffee with you next Thursday is fantastic and you're excited to be there. That is, as long as you don't get bored having a one sided conversation with a yes and no machine till then.

What I'm saying obviously doesn't apply to everyone but if we can be more engaging than a magic eight ball in a conversation and can actually communicate and agree to concrete plans, I think there would be a lot fewer lonely people out there. Myself included.

For Fuck's sake people, talk to each other.

Later Days,


  1. I like that last sentence best of all. :)

  2. There's far too much mind-reading going on, which is almost always a guaranteed fail. I'm with Maresi, the last sentence sums it up nicely.

  3. I really like the way you write. And I agree that communication is key. I just wonder why it can seem so hard sometimes.

  4. @Beliza... how it can be so hard? Fear of rejection, that's how.

    Communication is really importat. Great post. I tend towards the extremes: not communicating enough or communicating too much. Need to find a middle ground.

  5. If I were to tell a girl "I'm unavailable when I'm at work, and that is that." I'd expect her to take it at face value. I'd say Mike is not the one to blame here.

    Should he check at breaks? Lunch? Maybe. But he made it clear from the get-go. He, therefore, is absolved of any wrongdoing.

    Relationships are like training a dog. Consistency is key. Constant communication and scheduling seems to be the problem here, and I don't think it's completely his fault.

  6. Great post, as always. Communication is absolutely key. If I'm interested in a guy I make sure he knows it by the amount of time I make for him. I'm not needy, I don't require a lot, and if conversation lapses for too long I definitely touch base again. It doesn't have to be hard. It's all the games, rules, and pride that tend to get in the way (in my experience at least). Maybe you should start teaching a class at local colleges so that future generations get it right...I'm starting to think it may be too late for the men in my age group.

  7. "...we'll call him Mike, because that is his name."

    You are wise beyond your years.


My frail ego requires validation.