FFSF: Perception

I've been doing a fair amount of thinking these last couple days since things with the doctor haven't worked out.

Now I know you've seen my side of the story because I wrote it out for you but with my telling the story you've seen it colored through my eyes. I know I'm not perfect; fuck no one is, but I didn't expect what she said in that fateful text message to bother me so but it has been. This is what she said.

"Hey, I thought about it after you left and I decided that it's not worth being with someone just for the sake of being with someone. Neither of us are happy and I've got red flags going up everywhere. I try to listen to my gut feeling too and this isn't going to work. Why don't you just come pick up your stuff on Thursday and that will be that?" 


What about this message is bothering me you might ask. The red flags I'm apparently showing. I mean I've read the book Undateable. I know I'm not one of those guys. What red flags am I showing? 


Before you list off my many flaws I want to inform you that the last sentence of the previous paragraph was rhetorical. If you don't know what that means get the fuck off my blog. 


This got me to thinking, I know, dangerous stuff. 


I saw the doctor as being needy, try hard, jealous, too geeky, even for my tastes, and unemployed. I have stories that can prove that she is all of these things, as long as my perception of the events is accurate.

I have a feeling the Doctor saw me as, emotionally unavailable, a drunk, apathetic, and over worked. I'm sure she has stories that can prove that I am all of these things, as long as her perception of the events is accurate.

The doctor would probably describe those same flaws I saw in her as, affectionate, caring, devoted, a little geeky, and a student.

I would describe those said flaws in myself as, independent, fun loving, and employed.

The lesson I've learned from this is: Everyone has different paradigms that affect the way they see the world. This is completely normal and just another thing to add to the long list of things that you have to take into consideration when trying to find a mate.

Happy Black Friday to my American readers.
TGIF for the rest of my readers.

I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend where I don't have to spend any money.

What the Fuck Wednesday: I have no words.

OK The title is a misnomer because I really do have words. These words are "What the Fuck?" This is a true WTFW.

Last night the Doctor wanted to chat.

First let me tell you about my weekend. Friday night the doctor came out with some friends of mine. It went surprisingly well. She managed to hold her own and seemed to get along with my friends well. She didn't want to drink anything that we had at Token's place where we were all gathered. We were going to play Dance Central and drink so brews and some cocktails. Despite having a ridiculous amount of liquor and just about everything you could possibly want to drink it wasn't what she wanted. So we went across the street to the liquor store. Where I payed for her to get Coconut rum and some orange juice. 40 bucks later we are heading back up to Token's place with a quart of rum that I can't even drink because I'm allergic to coconut. The doctor had one drink out of the bottle then called it quits.

I might point out that The Doctor is still unemployed and has been since August. I've paid for everything, not a big deal except it is just assumed that because I'm the only bread winner I'll be paying for everything and it looks like that is the way it is going to continue.

Saturday Morning we had the jealousy talk that irritated me to no end. I spent Saturday running some errands and then went out with Vegas and Token. I drank a lot. We lost Vegas and he ended up at home puking on his floor, which is odd because he hadn't drank all that much. Token and I finished the night with a hot dog covered in Rooster sauce. So GOOD.

I awoke on Token's couch with a splitting headache. One of the worst hangover headaches I've ever had. I went home drank a fuck load of water and passed back out in a fitfull "owe my head hurts to much to think" almost kinda half sleep for the rest of the afternoon.

I woke up and had every intention of spending the rest of the day in my pajamas. Alas, this was thwarted with the offer of fresh homemade tacos. Probably one of my favorite meals. The kicker was that it was at another house. It was a dinner party and my sister invited me to come. I think she just wanted help with the cooking.

It was a surprising amount of good. The food was fantastic and the conversation was great. I was the youngest one there but it felt good to socialize with a different crowd.

Monday was crazy busy at work and after work I went over to Juniors place to have dinner and watch a movie. We then started playing video games.

I hadn't even thought about the doctor in the last 2 days. She was thinking of me though and sent me a message I responded that I was busy and that I'd text her later.

Tuesday, crazy busy at work again. I actually worked through my lunch break and didn't notice.

The doctor lets me know that she wants to talk and is wondering if she can see me tonight. I let her know that I have some running around to do but could probably see her around 8 ish before I go home to do laundry.

This is where it gets awkward.

I'd do the run down of the whole conversation but to be honest I can't remember word for word what happened. I wish I'd recorded it to play it back for you.

The gist of the conversation was her admitting that she is insecure and doesn't feel like we are communicating well enough. She wants me to text her more to show her that I'm thinking about her. She feels like she can't trust me anymore with her raw emotions anymore and thinks I may take advantage of her if she tells me how she feels. Then she asks how I feel.

I told her the truth; I'm not sure whether I want her as my girlfriend yet or not. That I want to slow things down a little. It has only been three weeks. She seems to think that three weeks is long enough to have developed a bond. Long enough that I should be thinking of her whenever we aren't in the same room.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but when I'm at work, I don't text, or make personal calls. I'm working. I know this may be a strange concept to the doctor but I have a life. A fairly busy one that doesn't revolve around her. I may have given the false impression by hanging out with her as often as I did at first.

I'm pretty sure that the Doctor wants something a lot more serious, a lot faster than I do. I'm getting to the point now that there are enough warning signs that I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to stop seeing her.

She doesn't have a job. She says she is going to school in January but just applied for school and student loans yesterday. Student loans take at least 2 months to get approved so I doubt it's going to happen. She has pretty much admitted to jealousy issues as well as being remarkably insecure.

Remember when I said there was something that bugged me about the doctor? I finally figured it out. She is a try hard. She tries very hard to be a part of everything. She even asked my sister to go to yoga with her. She tried very hard to become friends with my sisters. This isn't going to happen. My sisters are quintessential bitches. (I love them anyway/because of this) She tried hard to fit in with my friends. It almost slipped by me but I have a feeling she is so insecure that she is trying to be what I want and actually isn't.

Later Days,
NtH


PS. She ended the "insecure" conversation by saying that until she feels like I'm more committed to her we won't be having sex. This surprisingly (to me at least) has very little to do with me not wanting to date her anymore.


PPS: Since publishing this, the doctor has ended things via text. Saves me having to do it in person I guess.

I should clarify something.

Yesterdays post has been earning me some negative feedback. Rightfully so, with the assumptions that have been made.

First and foremost, the doctor and I haven't had sex.

Yes I understand that we have had pretty constant contact for the last three weeks, but there has been no sex of any kind. All we have been doing is making out like high school kids and cuddling. So no, I'm not "the guy she is fucking" so that doesn't work to describe the relationship either.

To be fair you're all correct, I'm not that emotionally involved. Calling her my girlfriend would probably give her a false sense of attachment. I'd rather not have that. What happens if in a couple days I decide the conversation the Doctor and I had this morning means that I can't see her anymore. More on that later.

I understand that the doctor wants a little bit of confirmation, but look at it from my point of view. I'm obviously interested, I've stuck around for three weeks without getting laid. I talk to her daily and hang out with her, if not daily, every second day. If she is so insecure that she needs me to confirm that I want to continue dating her by calling her my girlfriend that is a red flag in my book.

On to the conversation this morning. Oh wow, if I wasn't having second thoughts about continuing to date her I am now.

Doc: Do you ever get jealous?

Me: Nope, I don't. You're your own person and you can do whatever you like. How I respond to that is up to me. You go flirt with another guy, kiss another guy, or anything like that I'm pretty sure I'd just break up with you. It isn't a jealousy thing, it's a you breaking my trust thing.

Doc: Really, I think a healthy amount of jealousy is a good thing.

Me: Really? Jealousy is called the green monster for a reason. It is an emotion implying control and ownership. Trust is the opposite of jealousy.

Doc: I think it shows you care.

Me: No this is showing that you care. (then I kissed her)

Doc: I've been in a relationship that had a lot of jealousy and one that had no jealousy they both didn't work.

Me: I think you're confusing a lack of jealousy with apathy. If I think you're not spending enough time with me I'll let you know, but I will never be jealous of your guy friends or anything like that. I'm not apathetic. I'll be constructive with my concerns. Jealousy usually manifests itself with anger, resentment, sadness, and disgust. It usually grows from fear and insecurity.

Doc: Well, I still think jealousy is a necessary part of a relationship.

That was the end of the conversation because she had to leave.

WHAT THE FUCK!

I hope she comes back and explains herself. I've had a girlfriend in the past that had minor jealousy issues at the beginning and they grew into this huge monster that eventually destroyed our relationship.

I'm not a fan of any jealousy at all. It is an ugly, ugly emotion and doesn't belong in a healthy well communicated relationship.

For Fuck's Sake Friday: The talk.

I've been getting in a bit of trouble for writing at work so I apologize that my posts haven't been more forthcoming. Deal with it.

Last night while The Doctor and I were entangled she brought up the hated "what the fuck is this?" talk.

I am not every very good at dealing with this chat. It drives me bonkers. It is a short trip normally, but this particular conversation drives me there faster than a Ferrari could.

Why?

Is it because I'm afraid of commitment? No, in fact I thrive on it. I however am afraid of committing to the wrong thing or person.

The talk wouldn't change anything the doctor and I are doing.

The whole purpose of the talk is to put a label on each other. To lay claim to each other. It is like an informal marriage where after you agree you are in a relationship you need to break up to get away from each other.

The whole purpose is to apply a sense of security. A false sense at that, because even after you have the talk you can still be kicked out of the bedroom faster than you can say dutch oven.

Next is the timing. Is it really appropriate to have the talk at the three weeks since we met mark? I don't know. Have I decided I want her as my Girlfriend. No, but I haven't decided I don't want her as my girlfriend either.

This is what I said to end the conversation. "If what we are doing makes you want to call me your boyfriend go ahead, but I'm not a fan of putting labels on things."

So I successfully dissolved the conversation by making it not a big deal. If she wants to call me her boyfriend I'm not going to stop her. Am I going to call her my girlfriend? Does it really matter?

For Fuck's sake why do people have to make things more complicated than it is. I'm going to continue on as if the conversation hasn't happened.

Later Days,
NtH

My weekend Monday: 100 followers.

At some point over the weekend my followers reached 100. Thank you so much. I love you all, mostly because you make me feel better about myself without me having to insult you. So, thanks again.

I know I've been slacking on the whole regular posting thing, and my page views has told me as much so I'll try and do better. Who am I kidding? You'll get what I give you and you'll like it.

On to the regular theme for Monday. Recounting my drunken shenanigans.

Except I didn't get drunk. Not once. I feel weird about it.

Friday

Friday night the Doctor invited me out with some of her friends for Karaoke and pool. I only like one of those things. Two if you include the Doctor.

She wanted me to bring a friend/friends. Since I only have about 5 friends I can call on in a moments notice to come out, I ended up only bringing Vegas. If the doctor can handle Vegas she can handle all of my friends. Maybe not all at once but hey it's a start.

So Vegas and I head up to the bar where we are meeting everyone and low and behold. It is "almost" a dive bar, VLTs and all. (VLT stands for video lottery terminal, usually reserved for those with gambling issues that are too lazy/unable to drive to the casino) I have a healthy respect for dive bars; the service usually sucks, the food gives you a supreme need for pepto and the clientele usually is missing at least 1 tooth each, but you can usually get away with anything.

I was pleasantly surprised that the group of people we were meeting successfully took over a quarter of the bar so I was only left with pepto stomach and shitty service to worry about. The food was actually decent and the service well it was borderline too good. "I'm good. No, I don't need a drink. You just brought this one to me, I've literally had one sip. No, I won't drink faster I am driving tonight."

The venue aside the evening was alright. I didn't exactly get to know any of her friends. They are apparently shy. They were nerdy and incredibly awkward. I shouldn't have been surprised because, well, they all play DnD, which there is nothing wrong with. However, as the ability to imagine yourself as another character in another world increases, your ability to fully function and have normal social experiences in the real world decreases and some of these people must have been fantastic at DnD. (I'm looking at you guy with a cactus on your t-shirt that says "hug?")

Aside: Is it odd that I can tell if someone is going to be awkward by whether or not they are wearing sneakers out to a bar? And exactly how awkward by the brand?

It turned out that Vegas and I played pool and I tried to get some of her friends involved and succeeded in playing pool with a grand total of 2 of them. Not bad you might say. Well we probably played 20 games of pool and there were probably 10 of her friends there. I give myself an A+ for effort, but a lousy C- for actual success.

Saturday

I took the doctor to the "Taboo: Naughty... but nice" show. I have never seen so many dildos (or is it dildi?) in one place before. I got to see a bunch of people experience BDSM for the first time. I saw chicks do burlesquersize and stripperobics. I saw body painting and a demonstration on how to pose for nude photos. There was a lot of phallic objects and not nearly enough naked boobies for my tastes but it was fun anyway.

I learned a lot about the Doctor. Stuff I'm not going to share. Stuff it!

We went out for dinner at "Loungeburger" it was decent. Expensive for what you get, but very tasty. I don't think I'll go back.

I dropped The Doc off at home and went and watched movies.

Sunday


I woke up, played poker, ate dinner, watched movies, slept.


Prologue


I'm still not entirely sure where me and The Doctor are headed. I get the feeling she is already gung ho for the long haul. She did introduce me as her "Man". The "what the fuck is this" talk hasn't happened yet. I'm not sure she wants to bring it up in fear of the answer. I don't want to bring it up because I don't know the answer. There are things that bug me about her that  I can't put my finger on and there are things that I love about her. Fuck dating is complicated, emotions are messy things. When this is over one way or the other I'm going to need an emotional sponge bath hose down.

Later Days,
NtH

What The Fuck Wednesday: Seeing some body...

I am beginning to think there might be something wrong with the way my brain works. Then again maybe not. I'd say you be the judge but it would seem hypocritical when I scream "DON'T JUDGE ME, YOU DON'T KNOW ME." at strangers because, what if they read my blog then I'd seem like a real asshole.

I know I promised a post on Monday but I was really busy. I had important things to do like get my shoes resoled, and browse the internet for new web comics. Regardless as to the reason why I didn't post on Monday I am here today and you shall be happy. Go on now, be happy, I'll wait.

My birthday was very quiet which after my Friday night, of getting drunk and wandering around cold and trying to scare off women that want to play with my penis, was a good thing.

Now that my weekend is well over and my work schedule has....

(8 hours pass)

.... apparently not slowed down

I am perturbed. I haven't quite completely fleshed out what is bothering me. I'll tell you about it and see what you think.

I really have nothing to complain about when it comes to The Doctor, except one thing. She is unemployed and not going to school. She says she hates not working and is actively looking for a job. I know that the economy in other places sucks but here in Calgary it really doesn't. If you want a job you can find one. So that irks me a little bit. I don't even know if it should, but it does.

I've also been seeing her A LOT. I mean a fuck load. Out of the last week I've had 2 days without her. This didn't feel strange or anything to me. I like her company and our schedules just seemed to match up. It wasn't till my sister pointed out to me. "You might be sending the wrong message if you don't know if this is going to be serious or not."

That's just it. I don't know. It's been a fucking week and people are already asking me what I want out of this. The good news is that the Doctor isn't asking. Just people that really have no business asking.

So do I want to be in a relationship? Sure I do, with the right girl. Is the doctor the right girl? How the fuck do I know, it's been a week since the first date.

There are pros and cons to everything in life. If this is going to work with the doctor I'm going to need to make some changes to my life. She is really against drinking and partying. I do love my shenanigans so I guess I have to decide if I'm ready to give them up.

I'm not writing her off, not even remotely. I think I may just need to slow things down a little bit.

Besides Dating is fucking expensive.

I almost fucked it up.... already.

I was going to wait till the "My weekend Monday" post to summarize whats been happening in my life but I think that it would be a post that would be a little lengthy. 

I don't know if I mentioned this before but when I first met the Doctor she let me borrow her sunglasses, prescription sunglasses and because I am me and if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any. I broke them. 

I told her that I'd pay to replace them. 

So that is what we did Thursday after work. She met me at the mall and we went sun glass shopping. We also stopped to window shop along the way. We went into a hat store and made each other wear ridiculous hats. It was a lot of fun. We then went out for dinner and watched the hockey game. That's right she even likes hockey. 

As the Mall was closing we sat on a couch and cuddled for a minute. We had our first real kiss while being sober. 

Then we had another one, then another. Then we stopped because people were starting to stare. 

I invited her over to my place, promising to be a gentleman... mostly. 

She said yes and then she came over where we watched Robot Chicken and listened to some music while sucking on each others faces. It was awesome. 

Friday ... Token decides that since this is my Birthday weekend that I have to drink. I apparently had to drink. I had to drink a lot. 

We played battleship, you take a beer bottle cap and set it so it floats in the foam of a glass of beer and take turns putting drops of beer into the cap. Whoever sinks the cap has to drink the whole glass of beer. I lost a lot because Token cheats. 

We then go head towards Vino's place to go drink some more then head out to the bar. 

This was the first time I'd heard from Vino in almost a week and a half. I'm fine with just being friends with her.

Anyway there is this neat little thing I managed to forget about. It hadn't been an issue for a while so I thought it was gone. It wasn't. 

When I drink whiskey I turn into the Guy from Momento. I forget everything within minutes. Peoples names, gone before the conversation is ever over. This is what happened last night. 

I don't remember what happened last night. That isn't entirely true becuse there are flashes that I can remember. Like the Phone conversation I had with the Doctor at 2 am. I can't remember what it was about but I was drunk and talking. Two things that a girl that has only been on 2 dates with me shouldn't really have to deal with. 

Oh I also forgot to bring my keys with me so I was locked out of my apartment building till I could wake up my sister by hitting her window. 

Just so you know it is fucking cold here, there is snow on the ground. 

Anyway, I wake up this morning and look at my phone not a whole lot of hints as to what happened but there was a negatively toned text message from the Doctor. 

I'm pretty sure I've fucked it up at this point. I mean 2 dates in and she has to deal with Drunken NtH, while she was sober.

I text her a sincere apology and wait. I also text Token telling him that I didn't remember anything and he was going to have to fill me in. Bad News, he doesn't remember everything either. 

I am still waiting to hear from the Doctor.

"Come over and we'll talk." 

At this point I'm a mess of hungover and tired. I smell a little so I hop in the shower real quick and then drive over to her house. 

She looks at me and laughs at my bloodshot eyes but lets me in and lets me apologize. Then kisses me, and says that she doesn't like drunken NtH, and if getting as smashed as I was last night is something that happens a lot it isn't going to work. I let her know that, the state I was in last night. (I had to close one eye in order to read because my eyes weren't moving in sync) is a rare state and is generally why I usually hide on my birthday weekend. 

She makes me a smoothie and then we continue on with the day like we had planned. 

We went to the brand new science center here in town. Guess what. It sucked. There were 10 thousand children running around actively trying to destroy the exhibits and not letting  anyone really enjoy them. The place was packed and there were only really 2 exhibits and they sucked too. The Oil and gas one was kinda neat because well it's what I do.  

We had a fantastic time, but I'm pretty sure that it is only because we spent it together. 

She is coming over tonight after her evening with friends and then she is going to pamper me all day tomorrow for my birthday. 

I will tell you on Monday how it all goes down. 

Later Days, 

NtH

Post Date Blinks: The doctor.

I'm a little tired today but I'm not going to complain. It isn't what you think.

The evening started out interesting. We had agreed that we would have a late dinner together around 8pm. This is fine by me because it would make sure I had time to get some shit done that needed to be done before I could go out.

We had been texting back and forth a bit all afternoon so I knew we were still on. At 630 she texted me telling me she was super hungry. I said I could probably make it out before eight if she wanted.

We ended up talking on the phone because texting to figure shit out takes way to long. I suggest a restaurant, no good she is craving a burger. (Bonus point) She is allergic to wheat gluten but wants a burger anyway. (another bonus point) She eventually suggests a Burger Restaurant, one she's been to and enjoyed. I hadn't been there but agreed anyway.

She then tells me it is going to take her 2.5 hours to get ready and arrive. That would put the date at 9:30.... No comment.

I sit down to watch Tuesday's episode of Sons of Anarchy. Which if you haven't watched I should smack you in the face with your own left foot. I get a call at 8. "I may have exaggerated a bit. I'm ready now." We agreed to meet up as soon as possible at the burger place.

I arrive and the burger restaurant was closed. It had an emergency closure for, as far as I could tell, a very messy reason.

We then decide to carpool to find another place to eat. We ended up going to Moxie's. I love Moxie's.

The actual date was fantastic. We had tonnes of fun just chatting to get to know each other and telling stories. Lot's of back and forth. Many laughs.

She informed me that I'm kinda different when I'm not drunk and look different without a mustache.

I inform her that Drunk NtH and Sober NtH are two slightly different models of the same car.

She said that she was pleasantly surprised. Drunk NtH is all about the fun and party, Sober NtH is a relatively normal person with a penchant for swearing and inappropriate jokes.

It was getting late so I decided that I had to go home and get some sleep. I drive her back to her car, I got out and walked her to her car (I parked a couple stalls away on purpose) I got a hug a kiss on the cheek and plans to go out again tonight, and probably Saturday.

I get in my car and head home.

I'm not even 2 minutes away and I look at my phone. There is a text message from the Doctor. "My car won't start"

I call her and tell her I'm on my way back. I get there and realize that my jumper cables are in my sisters car. Shit.

She calls AMA (kinda like AAA but Canadian). They quote her a 90 minute wait time, but probably shorter.

I offer to stay but she says no she'll be fine. I stayed anyway.

She was cold so we huddled/cuddled a little bit outside and I didn't mind the slightest.

Eventually though I started to get cold too so we sat in my FJ and waited where it was warm.

The guy shows up only 20 minutes later. Puts power to the battery and the car starts no problem. Then he tells us the battery wasn't dead.

One of the mysteries of the day I guess.

I get another hug and she says "I swear I didn't plan for this."

I say "It wouldn't matter if you did," then kissed her lightly on the lips.

I drive home, and after around the right amount of time, texted her "You make it home alright? I hope so because I had fun and kinda want to see you again."

She responds, "Yea I made it home in one piece. thanks for asking, and Ditto."

This is a pretty shitty recap of how awesome of a time I actually had.

I'm seeing her again tonight.

Later Days,
NtH

PS. She doesn't want 10 thousand babies. She may not want any at all. SCORE!!!

PPS. She doesn't Snowboard... I may have to fix that.

What the Fuck Wednesday: I can has a Date?

I have a dinner date with the Doctor. (She isn't actually a Doctor, but the nickname will stick)

The thing that sucks I am probably in the worst shape I've been since high school.

I'll tell you about the date later. This was just a quick post while I'm busy at work.

Later Days,
NtH