Wednesday, October 5, 2011

What the Fuck Wednesdays: Bad luck.

If I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all.

Now I'm going to give a little more back story to the kind of person I used to be. I've mentioned before that I used to be fat. Going along with being fat, and smart I also was geeky. There is a table top game called Warhammer that all the neck beards and socially awkward kids have ruined as being a great hobby, artistic wise as well as training the mind kind of like chess. It really is chess but on a grander more customize-able scale. Nobody thinks chess is geeky though and no one thinks painting models is geeky either but when you put the two together uber geeky.

This is bad-ass not geeky.

Regardless I used to play Warhammer when I was a teenager. It uses dice to determine combat. I had some of my guys in combat and was currently defending. I was rolling several dice for an armor save. (basically my opponent landed attacks, I just had to make sure that my armor would stop it.) My guys would live if I rolled anything but a one. I rolled (7) seven, I repeat 7 ones. Yet when I play Yahtzee I can't roll anything for shit.

I don't gamble either, there is no point. I have never won anything. I don't bother buying lotto tickets, or entering into raffles. I've never won. I know you're going to say that you can't win if you don't play. I know, I've done an experiment. I bet 10 times playing roulette. It looked liked this.

1st bet: Red, Result: Black
2nd bet: Red, Result: Black
3rd bet: Black, Result red
4th bet: Black, Result: double zero
5th bet : Black, Result: red.
6th bet Black, Result double zero
7th bet Black, Result red
8th bet Black, Result red
9th bet Red, Result black
10th bet. Both, Result double zero.

Even the dealer at the casino was baffled. He said he had never seen anyone with as bad of luck as me.

Before I did this experiment I used to gamble a bit, enter 50/50 draws and the like but never won. Even in elementary school when there was a draw and "everyone" was a winner. I'd win last and get the worst piece of shit prize possible. I won a pencil. It was a cheap shitty pencil. You know the kind that had the lead that would break 30 seconds after you'd sharpen it. I really felt like a winner that day.

I've once gotten 2 flat tires from 3 different kinds of punctures (good luck figuring that out). I only had one spare. This situation is known as "Fuckered" or "Proper fucked".

My bad luck seems to hit me when I'm just getting back up to par. Like now, I just get a raise, quit my second job and am on my way to becoming a happy fully functioning normal member of society. I could get my hobbies back and actually eat a meal in my house. Maybe even meet a nice girl. I was looking forward to it. Then someone decided to steal my cellphone. Literally a day apart.

The same thing happened when I purchased my car. I get the loan, and within a week I get laid off. (this was back in March)

When I bought my first car about 8 years ago the alternator went within the first 2 weeks. (the same fucking thing happened with my second car too)

It doesn't seem to matter what I do to try and land on my feet and get running again. I get up from the last fall onto my face and within 5 strides cautious baby steps I get knocked right the fuck back down.

It's been this way my whole life, you'd think I'd be used to it but I'm not. I don't like it and I think Karma deserves a taste of her own medicine or just owes me one really big favor.

Either that or she charges a whole fuck load of interest for undue luck. I had a lot of luck as a child. I have been in some major accidents and quite possibly could have died on multiple occasions. So if Karma is collecting my debt I wonder how long until I'm square.

Truly I just think Lady luck and Karma are dirty lesbians that have a preference for strapons. I just wish they would take them off when they tamper with my life.

Anyway I'll figure something out I always do.

Later days,


  1. The BF plays warhammer every sunday with about 5 other guys in our garage. He is actually selling his 2nd army on Ebay right now for about $250. Warhammer is geeky and to me geeks are SEXY as anything.

    I remember when I first started reading you back in Feb. You were having shitty luck then too. (Not to mention I was uber jealous of your awesome bed.) Things change, then they change back. Life is a big fucked up roller coaster. Just wait for the WEEEEEEEEE moment it will come around.

  2. Wow, hilarious summary of lady luck and karma.

    Good thing you actually kept track of the results. I tend to have selective memory and only remember the wins. Which keeps me putting more money in. Vicious cycle I tell you.

  3. Hey now... what's wrong with being geeky?

  4. I feel your pain! I suffer the same kind of luck. Nothing ever goes right for me!

    Did you get your phone back yet?

  5. You should put out an ad on Craigslist for a woman with awesome luck. Then fuck her and see what happens. Couldn't hurt...

  6. If, by chance, lady luck has been over drawing on your life, imagine how much sweet ass you are going to get when you are 80 when she has to pay you back ;)

  7. You are due for some awesome luck. It has to be a cycle, otherwise the earth would tilt off its axis.

  8. I'll never look at lady luck and karma the same way again...

    Perhaps this means you're destined for great luck in the future, and right now you're getting the shit end so you'll appreciate more.

    Also, you may have been a geek, but Warhammer was cool. At least you didn't play Magic.

  9. what about rrrrroll up the rim to win? i bet you've won something from that? i hope?


My frail ego requires validation.