IDSS: Drunken and alone.

I did something stupid... I think, maybe.

Well Friday night started as it normally does. Drinking at Token's place. 

Nothing came of it though, and I was solidly buzzed after drinking about 1/2 a liter of vodka in 2 drinks. Black Russians will fuck you up FYI. 

So What did I do? Did I do the responsible thing and go home? Nope. 

I went to the bar that is behind my house. This wouldn't normally be a bad idea, except I was alone and drunk. So I drank by myself at the bar and met some people. Including this really cool singer. He was black and looked like he stepped right out of New Orleans. I drank some with him and a couple of other people.

The bar closed and I was going to go home when I was invited over to an after party with some people I don't even know. I can't say no to that when I'm drunk apparently. 

Well I remember the first little bit where I played some foosball. Then I don't remember shit. 

I woke up in my own bed, alone. With all my organs and everything in my pockets. Cool. 

Then I go out to my car and it looks like it has been robbed. Except the doors are locked and nothing is missing. Just was solidly rummaged through. Apparently I was looking for something. I'm just happy I didn't decide to drive it anywhere. At least I don't think I drove anywhere.  

I'm going to say I was lucky. This is also a sign I may have a problem. I've known for a long time that alcoholism runs in my family. My own father warned me about it when I left the Mormon church.

I apparently don't know my limits like I thought I did.

I also paid the price for the rest of the weekend. I had that date/hangout with the Australian chick on Saturday and because I was so fucking hung over it didn't start till about 3 hours after it was supposed to. It was good anyway, I had a lot of fun.

I'm pretty sure we'll be great friends. Which is fine by me. Don't get my wrong she is fucking gorgeous and smart but she wants to make friends more than anything. She isn't looking for a boyfriend. Honestly as a traveler I can't really blame her. Token wants her too, he says game on and may the better man win her affections but I think I'm going to let her win this one and stick to being friends. If that makes sense.

I was supposed to go snowboarding with my sister on Sunday but she bailed on me. Well I wasn't that disappointed I was still recovering from whatever the fuck I ended up doing on Friday.

So far no lasting effects. I probably just was looking for a lost cigarette. Oh yea? did I tell you I am still smoking. Yea, I'm not impressed.

I will drink one day, and one day only in march and that is St. Patty's day. That day is a tradition. Other than that though I think I may have a dry month. Just to see if I can do it.

I have a couple things I want to talk about in a post rather soon. It involves a new writing opportunity.

Later Days,
NtH

Week Long Hiatus.

Oh hey there.

I have some bad news, I haven't gotten my spring form pan back yet and I'm going through some serious anxiety over it. At least that will be my excuse for not blogging or being around at all.

In fact, I had some pretty cool emails come in but I'll be talking about that later.

I would like to say I was busy but to be honest I took a bit of a trip. I went on a nice road trip to go see some friends.

I spent the majority of time on my trip with my ex girlfriend. I know not exactly healthy but  I did learn a whole lot. Lessons I can take with me when it comes to dating in the future.

I was reminded a lot about what is important when it comes to finding someone compatible. I felt something while I was with the ex that I haven't felt with any of the women I've been dating recently. I think I had forgotten what it felt like. Chemistry, attraction, you know, that spark. I know what it feels like now and won't settle without it.

I got to relax a lot; it was exactly what the doctor ordered for a long weekend. There was elk steak involved which was delicious. I saw my best friend from high school and her 2 kids which was awesome because it had been a year and half since I'd seen her.

I did get some bad news while I was on the road. One of my childhood friend's mother died after a long fight with cancer. I made sure I went out of my way a bit to swing into my home town to see the family and pay my respects. It was pretty rough news to hear she was like a second mother to me. I have so many fond memories of her and she will be missed.

Onto happier news.

I have a possible date coming up this weekend and I'm pretty sure it is going to be amusing. It is with an Australian and I'm taking her ice skating, which I don't know how to do. I know a Canadian that doesn't know how to skate is like an american that doesn't like football. It isn't impossible, just weird as fuck.

The only reason why I say possible is because I think she isn't looking to date but is in need of some local friends. I'm alright with this she seems like a pretty awesome girl so far. Plus she boards so I'll have someone new to go riding with.

Anyway, it's good to be back in the big city and all but I do miss the massive amount of sex. More drive to find the woman of my dreams I suppose.

Later Days,
NtH

WTFW: Valentine's Day

Well, as I'm sure you all knew it was coming. The Russian Saga is over.

After I wrote my last post about lying to her to not hang out with her I thought I'd give it one more shot.

Sunday we had already made arrangements to hang out after she was off work. She came over for dinner. We had our famous home made tacos. 

After dinner had quite the adventure making cheesecake. While the cake was cooking she wanted to cuddle and make sexy time. I was having a good time so twist my rubber arm, one thing led to another and yea. 

It wasn't any better. I don't get it. During foreplay she was engaging stimulating and exciting. The moment that I slid inside her she turned into a Patrick. (Spongebob squarepants reference) She didn't move. She didn't touch me. No hair pulling, no nails down the back just moaning and heavy breathing. 

Ladies, "Choke me, spank me, pull my hair" goes both ways. If I wanted to have sex with a wet hole I'd fuck a pocket pussy. 

I couldn't very well break up with her after another round of shitty sex. I don't know why, I just feel bad breaking up with someone while I pass them their clothes.

Before the sexy time had happened we had made arrangements to see each other yesterday. On V-day. 

I think I may be a masochist.

Anyway, the deal was that she was supposed to call me when she got home and I'd go pick her up. Well around 8 o'clock at night I get a text asking me to bring over the Cheesecake we baked and was settling in my fridge. 

Hmm, weird. Turns out she was expecting me to phone her when I was off work. Oh well communication error. Well if she was so interested in hanging out with me tonight why did she wait till 8 o'clock and then only ask for her cheesecake. 

It doesn't really matter. I drove over to her place handed the cheesecake to her and said "This isn't working is it?" She said "No" 

I said it was fun, and that I was glad I got to meet her. Turned walked back to my car and drove off into the sunset.

Actually, because I live in the sub arctic the sun was down and had been for a while. 

There were no tears, that I saw. I don't think there will be. After all it was only a month. 

It's over. It was good to date her. I learned a lot more about who I am and what I'm looking for. 

I just think I'm an asshole for calling it quits on Valentine's Day. 

Later Days,

NtH

I.D.S.S.: New segment.

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Not the Hero @Not_The_Hero                                         Close
I just lied to the russian to get out of hanging out with her. #itsover #tellherlater.
5:36 PM - 9 Feb 12 via Twitter for Android · Details
Reply  Delete  Favorite 

Oh look, I did something stupid. (I.D.S.S.)

So the story goes, when I dropped her off at home last time I said I'd probably see her on Sunday, the one in 2 days. She wanted to see me sooner and asked if we could hang out on Thursday (yesterday) instead. I said maybe. Which for some reason translates in a woman's head to yes, but that is a separate issue.

Well last night rolled around and she asked if we were still hanging out. I wasn't aware I had committed to hanging out, but apparently I had.

I really wasn't in the mood to be charming and funny. I just wanted to relax, but I couldn't just say "No, we aren't hanging out today. I've got nothing else planned, but I don't want to hang out with you." I look back now and realize I could have just said "No, I can't do it tonight, sorry." and left it at that. Instead I lied and said I had to stay late at work.

Ugh so much Fail.

Now I hate lying. I really do. So why did I do it? To be honest I think it's because I felt like a needed a viable excuse to give her. Which means I feel... you know what, I fucking hate feelings... but hate is a feeling... fuck! I felt something, then I made up an excuse, end of story.

I realize that this isn't good. It means that I would rather do nothing then see her on top of the need to lie to her about doing said nothing. Why? I don't know, it was a feeling. Women don't have to justify their feelings so I'm not going to justify mine.

To quote my friend, "You just aren't feeling that spark." Oh yes, the elusive spark.

The nail in the coffin I suppose happened when I started planning my trip next weekend and realized I was more excited to see an ex girlfriend than I was to see the Russian.

Now that I realize that I'm just not all that excited by the Russian I have to end it I suppose. What exactly is the protocol for a month long dating spree break-up when there aren't any glaring issues?

I've never been good at ending things, for the longest time I was the one getting told I wasn't good enough. It sucks, and I don't want to make anyone feel like they aren't good enough. I have a tendency to be an asshole though and have been known to make people cry.

Is it alright to end it via text? I don't want to waste the gas money to drive to her place to tell her she isn't good enough. I know, I'm a terrible person.

Later Days,
NtH

Ps. I had some cool images to go with this post but because blogger is a piece of shit and formatting didn't work you don't get them.

WTFW: Good enough?

Welcome to this weeks What the Fuck Wednesday.

Firstly I have to say that I have some of the best readers ever. The comments I get on posts, on top of the conversations I have on twitter always help me out. Monday especially.

My friend, at least I'd like to think of him as a friend, Brandon (more commonly known as Lost) from Lost in Idaho commented on Monday about whether pursuing a relationship that is "good enough" with the Russian is "good enough" and what would have to be done to make some of the cons go away.

This instantly got me thinking. I hate thinking.

When I thought all was lost and I'd begin the downward spiral into dissecting every fucking thing about her and where things are going I read something else. Sarah, more commonly known by the moniker "the naked redhead" wrote a little blurb on her blog called "Imagine Differently"

Go read it, I'll wait.

This shifted my thoughts in a different direction. I was thinking about all the good things that have come from dating the Russian. There have been a fair bit.

But back to Brandon's question of whether "good enough" is just that.

I really don't know. That was until I was about to crawl into bed last night and figured I'd check on my blog one last time before sleepy time.

I have a very irrationally large blog crush on Random Girl, and she decided that she was going to share some of her wisdom. She nailed it. "You already seem to be contemplating continuing on with the "good enough" but not awesome feeling."

I am, err was, I mean am... Fuck.

I haven't made up my mind yet, but there was something else that happened last night that is worth mentioning.

I can't remember how it was brought up but the Russian and I ended up talking about relationships; what they mean and what traits, emotions, and such belong in a relationship.

She, like the Doctor, also said that jealousy was a normal thing in a healthy relationship. She actually went on to explain that she sees relationships for the most part as being a constant power struggle and that jealousy is generally felt by the one losing. For being a psychology masters student she wasn't very good at articulating any of this.

What the Fuck is up with peoples' understanding of love?

I'm not even going to resort to a dictionary to define this.

Love, to me, is the ultimate form of respect, trust, and affection. All things you give. There is no taking in love, just giving and receiving. There should be no power struggle. If you love someone you give them everything you have and receive all they have to give. You don't demand more. There should be no extortion, or manipulation.

I know there is a saying out there about love being a battlefield, but I always thought that was about finding love.

Is my view on love naive? If I am being naive and love is a battlefield I'm not sure I want to be apart of it.

Later Days,
NtH

My weekend Monday: "What are you thinking?"

Good Monday morning friends.

My weekend was fun. Friday night I got smammerred. I don't care if that is a word or not. It is the best possible explanation for what I was.

I don't even know how it happened. It might have had something to do with the smooth drink-ability of Kraken rum.

and the fact I drank all of it.

That aside, my evening from what I remember of it, was a lot of fun. Junior wasn't very happy when me and Vegas walked into his apartment at 3 am and physically dragged him out of bed. There was a bit of a brawl. No punches where thrown but I do have some bruises and a couple scrapes on my back. I thoughy it was fucking hilarious at the time. Junior wanted to beat me with a baseball bat.

I also had just eaten some Shwarma. I really shouldn't try and eat shwarma and walk. My coat is going to need drycleaning... again. Every fucking time I try and eat shwarma, regardless of whether I'm sober or not I end up making a mess.

Saturday, I was supposed to pick up the Russian around 10 am and go to Banff for a hike, hot springs, and dinner. Needless to say, I was a full 2 hours late. She was apparently really worried about me and was close to calling my sisters. I apologized and suffered the rest of the day hung over as all get out, but I had a good time anyway. The hot springs were romantic. We watched the sunset over the Rockies high up on a cliff sitting in a giant hot tub... with about 80 other people.

Dinner, was dinner, nothing fantastic. I drank a fuck load of water. No beer, which is borderline sacrilege because the pub we ate at is a microbrewery as well and they have some of the best beer ever. Sad day. Sad day indeed.

We made it back to my house by about 10 pm. I was fucking exhausted. I probably shouldn't even have been driving. I know this because I had to slap myself in the face every couple of minutes to stay awake.

Once back at my place she wanted to try and watch a movie. Which would have been fine but it was a really fucking boring movie. I reserved judgement though because I fell asleep. Eventually she gave up watching it because every thirty seconds while falling asleep I'd let out a grunt, mumble or snort, or I'd twitch. She would then wake me up to tell me to stop it, only perpetuating the cycle.

After she gave up watching the movie she decided it was time for kisses and the such. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was putting on a rubber and ... you know I've typed like 30 different ways of saying I got laid and they all looked tacky and cheap so fuck it, you get the idea.

The problem is, I was exhausted. I most definitely didn't give my best performance. I tried, I really did but I was only able to go for about 30 minutes before I just gave up, said I was too tired and we cuddled, at least I think we cuddled, and I promptly fell asleep.

The morning however, is a completely different story. This time I went for a good while. Had some fun, but I hate to say it, but after all the waiting and excitement there was a decided lack of chemistry between the sheets. Neither one of us got to finish before it was time to get moving and get on with the day.

I'm not going to give up that easily however so I'm willing to take one for the team and keep trying. I know, I'm a saint. It wasn't that the sex was bad, far from it but there wasn't a whole lot of wow moments. She was more active and engaging during foreplay than she was during sex. Like I said though, I'm willing to work on it.

Sunday she had to work but we had a nice breakfast before I dropped her off at work.

I went over to her place to actually watch the movie we tried to watch the night before. The movie is called "Everything is illuminated". I won't bore you with an explanation but it is based off of her favorite book. The movie was OK. Would I recommend it? Fuck no. Would I watch it again? Fuck no. In fact the only reason it was even worth watching was because I watched it with her. If I was watching it by myself I would have turned it off about 4 minutes into the movie.

This brings me to the part where I talk about my feelings and all that yucky stuff.

Firstly, let me say that I find this whole thing to be more complicated than it probably should be.

I like the girl, I do. There are some things that irk me however.

You know how everyone has a scent that is completely their own. Well I have an incredibly acute sense of smell, so I become aware of this scent fairly early on. I'm not a fan of the Russian's. It isn't that she smells bad but... Ok let me put it this way; the doctor had a scent that I couldn't get enough of. It was in fact so intoxicating that I was willing to over look some of her less attractive qualities, like a lack of chin. However, the Russian doesn't have this advantage and I have to be honest if I saw her on the street I wouldn't have the urge to talk to her. What I'm saying is I'm not 100% physically attracted to her (which probably translates into the chemistry + sheet equation).

Her mind however is awesome. She is smart, witty, uses big words. Mock me if you want but I find intelligence to be incredibly attractive.

Like me, she is an elitist. Which automatically means a certain sense of narcissism which is also fine by me. We can sit and make fun of hipsters together. 

We don't actually have that much in common either. We don't like the same music, same food, same movies or the same activities. Actually that isn't 100% true. She doesn't like some of my favorite things and I have a broad taste in just about everything (I like to think that makes me cultured) so I tend to like some of her favorite things. Others not so much, the movie is one example.

Another example; last night she wanted to go to a didgeridoo show. I'm sorry, but one didgeridoo sounds like another and all it makes me think of is running away from a pack of dingoes only to get helped from a half naked aborigine who then traps me in an eternal drum circle and every time I run away to try and keep my sanity I get a blow dart in the ass. I declined the show.

She also keeps fucking asking "What are you thinking". I think it might be the psychologist coming out in her, but it is really starting to irritate me.

What am I getting at with all this musing? Well in about 4 months she is leaving, with a good possibility she will never return. She doesn't know. There is a chance she will be back to finish her PHD at the university here but she would rather go to the one in Vancouver. This is on top of the fact she is going to be travelling most of the summer.

Do I bother trying to see where this could go with the chance that she could be here long term? Or do I tuck my tail between my legs and get out before I start developing more real feelings towards this girl with a high chance that she may just waltz out of my life forever?

In spending time with the Russian I may also be missing out on dating someone that may be more suited to me. I don't know, so in the mean time I will continue on the path. If something else comes my way we'll have to see what's going on at that fork in the road.

Later Days,
NtH