Thursday, April 19, 2012

When it rains it pours.

Hello my loyal followers, I say loyal because lets be honest the none loyal ones gave up on me writting anything interesting a while ago. Well I have a surprise for you.

I got laid. It wasn't by an ex girlfriend either, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it, inhale deep.

I suppose I should start at the beginning.

Except I already started at the beginning in this post. Fools weekend. Yea that's right. That wasn't the end of it like I thought it would be. The Monday after Easter I went over to Token's place to have some left over turkey sandwiches. they were fantastic. Then Token and I went out to a pub and had some hot wings and a jug of beer. It was supposed to be an early evening so after that I went home and immediately took my pants off.

As I was taking my pants off my phone chirped that it had a text message.

Vegas: Hey those girls from last weekend want us to come out and have a couple beers with them. You in?

Me: I don't know, I just took my pants off.

Vegas: Well put them back on.

Me: I don't know, give me a couple minutes to think about it.

Needless to say I ended up putting on pants and was sitting in the pub 10 minutes later. It was a little awkward because the girls had invited some other guys out as well. The one Vegas had slept with was still most definitely into him but the one that had bailed on me the week before was apparently getting set up with the other guy.

I did what I do best. Not give a fuck. I had fun chatting and making jokes. The usual NtH.

It got to be 1 am and I had to work in the morning so I said I was done for the evening and would be bailing. Well the cute little red head didn't want it to end this way so she walked me out and I got a kiss and a bit of chat. Explaining why she bailed the weekend before and such.

Turns out that she has only had sex with 3 guys before and all of them were boyfriends at the time. I told her she was dumb and that I would have been fine with making out and cuddling. I know most women thing all men want is sex. I'm not going to deny that, however that being said, most men will settle for a make out session and some dry humping... basically we'll be happy with whatever we can get.

She kissed me good bye and I went home where I immediately took my pants back off.

Just as my pants hit the floor "chirp chirp"

Her: Hey you wanna cuddle?

Me: Now?

Her: Yea

Me: I'll have to put pants on to come get you.

Her: Hold on.

Me: I'm willing to do this but you should know that I'll have put my pants back on twice for you. This is kinda a big deal.

Her: Whats your address?

5 minutes later she was sitting on my bed and it was now closer to 2 am than I was comfortable with.

Her: I'm not having sex with you tonight.

Me: Honestly, if you wanted to I'd probably turn you down. I'm going to sleep so that I can function at work tomorrow.

Looking back now I think that statement means I have morphed into a responsible adult. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. Wait, I remember getting hammered and being dosed with coconut (which I have a really weird allergic reaction to) and then the rest of the evening when I wasn't in excruciating pain I was tripping balls and having the time of my life and with that memory I know I am neither responsible nor an adult.

Skip ahead a few days to the weekend again. Went snowboarding, which I'm sure you're sick of hearing about so but I don't care. It was with my ex girlfriend. "This one" we had a nice chat and road some awesome spring snow conditions but overall was a relatively mellow day.

That evening however was entertaining to say the least. Went out dancing again, almost got in a fight but because I know the bouncers I was able to just have the douche canoes removed. Then I met a girl. I was pretty sure the girl liked me because, now I'm not rocket scientist remember, she kept grabbing my ass and humping my leg. Then she started kissing me and just as the night was ending turns to me and says. "You can come home with me I've decided.

Now we get back to her place and we start making out and the clothes start coming off. I don't take my pants off right of way because I was going commando that night. So I'm laying on top of her making out like high-school kids with their parents out of town, when she reaches down undoes my pants grabs me, pulls her panties aside and puts me right on in. "Are you fucking kidding me?" was the response I gave. I don't think it was what she was used to. No foreplay, nothing, just kiss kiss boom.

I rocked her world a couple times and then she says, "You should hurry up." Ladies there is something you should know about this sentence when applied to sex. DON'T FUCKING USE IT. The moment that I know you're not having fun. I'm not having fun. If I'm not having fun then IT'S FUCKING OVER.

Blue balled again. FUCK!

Jump ahead another couple of days. To Monday night.

CLR (cute little redhead): Hey are you wearing pants?

Me: Yes, why whats up?

CLR: Just curious if you wanted to come out and grab some desert.

Me: I don't know it's late and last Tuesday sucked nuts for me at work. I can't do that again.

CLR: Please!!!!

Me: If you promise I'll be home by midnight then sure.

I was home by midnight, I also wasn't alone. Still no sex but some other fun things.

We went out again last night and it was a good time. She slept over again and we fooled around and had a lot of fun. Still no sex but I don't mind.

On top of getting blue balled by the women that I'm seeing my home PC died so I don't even have porn. le sigh.

I'm seeing the girl from the weekend tonight, let's call her the Artist. I'm kinda excited we are going to an art opening. Should be good.

There was also a plenty of fish date in there somewhere but it wasn't anything good. Nor was it exceptionally bad enough to even bother writing about. It isn't going to work out so I'll leave it at that.

I'll try and keep you posted more often.

Later Days,

PS. This is a little aside. When I was with the Artist on the weekend she scratched the shit out of my back. I loved every second of it but what my conundrum stems from is when the CLR saw me without my shirt on and the scratched are still there she didn't even bat an eyelash. Is she just too naive to realize what they are or does she just not care?


  1. No woman who has had any kind of good lovin' doesn't know what a woman's nail marks on a man's back look like! Unless she is ignorant to snowboarding injuries and though you could have been scraped up on your back through layers of clothing, and assuming you were bad enough to fall that hard (which we all know you aren't) and though that is what it was from. She knew.

    Glad to have you back, NTH! :)

  2. Woah, talk about coming back swinging! Nice to catch up with you and your chick humping Hero! I like that you can multitask on the girl front, that's why we get along so well!
    As for the CLR not noticing, she noticed. she probably just knew that nothing good would come from calling you out on it and since she technically isn't having sex with you, it's not necessarily an issue. I wouldn't have let you slide on that though, I would have called your skank ass out!! I kid, I kid!


My frail ego requires validation.